i'm trying

and for the record, that last post makes me never want to blog again.
i just didn't like posting that for some reason. i get angry thinking about the people who will roll their eyes or give me unwarranted advice on how i should handle my life and these issues.
i don't even know who i write for anymore on this blog, because it was clearly directed a specific audience months ago, but now i just feel vulnerable when i write feelings. especially current ones. and i don't feel like i can be honest and say what i want to say, because i'm not writing certain things to avoid certain audiences, which again makes me feel like i'm not being honest.
clearly, this is my issue and no one is at fault for reading my blog.
i guess i'm just mad because i still don't have the courage to be honest.
i'm tired of playing games all the time. knowing human nature so well is sometimes not a gift. being able to put on faces to motivate people to certain outcomes seems like it would be a very profitable gifting, but i get so caught up in it sometimes that i lose myself.
i'm trying so hard to be myself. and i feel like it's bad that i have to do that. try.

a

i've been meaning to blog, but i haven't known what to say. today is my mom's birthday. tomorrow is my dad's. years are passing so much faster now. it's odd, really.
hmmm. what to say...
i've started to write a blog a few times, but i just haven't wanted to be very introspective lately. it gets exhausting. i was so deeply inside of my thoughts this summer that it made me lose touch with reality. i mean, it was good for me to do that with where i was, but it's been a really weird transition.
i am finally begining to realize the little protective bubble i had myself in for a few months there. i would stay at home most of the summer unless i was gone on a trip. and even when i was on trips, i would shut down a lot. except for washington, which was why it was completely exhausting mentally and emotionally for me. that's when things changed, i guess. i sort of created a new life with new friends and avoided anyone from my past who i'd have to answer questions from.
i'm finally hanging out with my friends again. i avoided casey and lindsey for awhile, and now they're back in my world. i'm hanging out with some old friends and new friends. for the past month, my life has been consumed with "fun," i guess. my little bubble was really legalistic and full of work to no end. seeing my friends made me miss all the careless fun that makes up so much of who i am. not that i enjoy wasting time, but i like to be able to spend time with people i love without working on a time-consuming project. and the latter was my summer.
neither of these extremes are a good place for me. the legalistic bubble just made me tired. i was effective at doing good, but how much was i examining and taking in from my awesome experiences? not a lot, and that's pretty shameful. i took on too much, because i'm an eager overacheiver with many abilities. and i got tired. so then i made it to the other extreme of just letting it all go for a little while in order to be irresponsible and have fun doing what i wanted to do. not really caring if i let people down, shutting down my intellect so i could just enjoy trivialities. i'm aware of how dangerous that is as well.
i've been really depressed lately. just completely emotionally exhausted over all of this whirlwind recently. see, because being legalistic, i was able to pretend that i was as put-together as i looked like. but when i'm self-seeking, everyone sees the disappointing weaknesses i have. having so many friends and people i see everyday makes me happy, but when i'm depressed and when i can't be impressive, i hate it. it makes me even more depressed, because i feel like i'm making a fool out of myself for everyone to see.
i know not everyone really notices or cares, but some people do. my parents have noticed. shelby has noticed. my kids at church have noticed. i'm pretty involved with a guy i like, and i've over-analyzed everything to death so much so that i've really frustrated him a few times. so even he's noticed. i'm back to the same lesson i can never learn--that i can't please everyone. i've backed out on some opportunities lately, and it's been hard. but it's been necessary. my focus on God is flawed. it's not as directed as it should be. it's scattered between people i love and commitments to service and ministry, and i just can't juggle it all anymore.
i'm finding that balance, and i can honestly say that today i'm feeling more joyful that i've felt in a long time. i'm tired of not being myself to everyone. i'm a mess of a person. i have issues. i believe the worst of every situation. i'm currently over-analyzing every situation in my life so much that i can't enjoy any of it. but i'm making a conscious effort to breathe and not punish all the awesome people in my life right now for the damage someone else has done to me in the past.
this post was scattered. i guess i'm just trying to say that i like knowing myself. i like being introspective. i like analyzing people. but it gets exhausting when i'm ever changing and people are ever changing. i can't keep going in cycles of introspection and shallow living. i have to find a balance, because it's super destructive and confusing to the people around me.
ps: the movie "devil" was pretty awesome.

happy birthday to me. :)

life lately. hmmmm.

i found out today that i'm losing my job in a month. i thought i might have more time that that, but i'm trying not to worry. who am i kidding? i feel like i'm about to faint just thinking about it. it's such a struggle for me to find peace that God wasn't surprised by this and that he has it under control.

all i can think about is that i need money to pay for gas, to pay for my weekly shots, and to pay for my compassion international sponsorship. it was just a blow in the face when i wasn't expecting it. i thought i was stable until christmas at least, but it'll work out. happy birthday to me...woohoo!

speaking of, i turn 22 in six days. i can hardly believe it. where did this year go? everything has moved so quickly! 22 is such a weird age. i feel old. i'm getting farther away from my teenage years, but i still feel like a teenager in so many ways.

i've been having so much fun lately. i love all the "me" time i've had to live my life. i'm old enough and alone enough to make decisions now, and i love the freedom. it's not something i've gone crazy with by any means. i can travel on a plane up the coast or i can hop in the car to drive to valdosta for the weekend. i'm responsible for me, and i don't have any dead weight to drag along behind me.

so much of what i did throughout the summer was still based on my previous relationship. i was still subconsciously living under that person's requirements, and don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad arrangement. but is it truly me? are these my values? are these my desires? is this how i truly feel about the issues in my world?

in my search for sincerity and my genuine nature, i think i'm far enough away from that situation mentally to begin exploring these ideas. in fact, i know i'm far enough away, because i started doing it without even realizing.

it's all a part of healing. see, i've never consciously seen myself through the grieving process far enough to know that there are other steps to healing. see, grief is all about survival. it's an agonizing process, where you balance somewhere between drowning in a puddle of self-pity, worthlessness, depression, and jealousy; and distracting yourself without becoming unhealthy or shallow.

after grieving comes rebuilding. how do i take the things i learned in my relationship and apply them to who i truly am? not that i wasn't myself in the relationship, but i did compromise of myself to share life so deeply with another human being. that's why serious relationships are so...serious. they take from you. they change you.

so, how much were the decisions i made really my own? how much of a thought was truly mine or just a means to impress or pacify another person? these are really hard questions to answer. i have to really explore myself and possibly admit to living a lie. pretention isn't easy to admit, especially when it's been running two years deep in your life.

because when i was 20-21, knowing myself wasn't important. all i cared about was knowing who i should be with. knowing the truth wasn't important to me. it was all about finding someone who might know the truth. if you've been there you'll understand me. if you're not an introspective intellectual, you probably aren't following my discourse, but that's OK. now the truth is so evident. Christ. He is so deeply rooted in me now. in the way i think and in the things i do. his mysteries are so much more vast, and i can no longer remember what it was like to so shallowly ponder Him as i did back then. i knew Him then, but i know Him better now.

knowing that truth makes me want to know myself. i put on so many faces. i'm such a good actor that it's a wonder i don't have an academy award by now. i'm such a melting pot of everyone around me and everyone i've ever known. i don't even have my own laugh or my own accent, because i take on whoever i'm around the most.

i'm excited about this phase of life i'm in. it's a little scary and i could make some weird mistakes. however, it feels good to be able to live life focusing on God and on myself. without my focus on anyone else, i feel like i can be honest about my flaws and my convictions. even though there is someone in my life that i'm into, it's something different. i'm completely myself, and i'm just enjoying whatever it is. i'm not changing me to make things work, and i've never had more fun getting to know someone without trying to force it into something too quickly. it may not work out, but it's refreshing and i'm into it.

so happy birthday to me. :)