Do you ever accidently wake up after lunch time and feel kind of crappy, realizing how much day you've wasted? I won't spend much time beating myself up here when i'm already forgiven, but I realize I've been wating moments justifying needless actions I've been performing in my life.
Did it really have to come down to that? Nope.
I wasn't a good example, so God let me be made example of.
I'm sick of all the filth in my life. I'm sick of loving God with all but a little of my heart. I'm sick of smelling like cigarettes. I'm sick of the occasional pointless drink. I'm sick of being a meaningless kiss from a meaningless person. I'm sick. I'm disgusted with myself.
These have been my choices. Stupid choices. But I need to choose something better now.
I don't have a reason to run away from life. I'd even say that in my heart I was hurting for someone to call me out, to give me an excuse not to--but i'm just so weak-willed that I couldn't just stand on my own.
Last nite, it seemed like God gave me a little moment of his eyesight, showing me all the little distractions, pulling at me in every area of my life. Through a dark and embarrasing moment, he gave me an escape from everything I was doing. I've come to find out that the trials that God allows in our life can be used in the best of ways, if we let them.
Yes, there are consequences. Yes, there is hurt. But as long as we are alive on this planet, then God has a purpose for our breathing each and every breath. We can waste moments wallowing in regret and what ifs, but that's blemishing the very moments we can redeem ourselves from the moments we regret in the first.
I love my Lord. I do. It breaks my heart knowing how terribly I've disappointed him, how I disappoint him everyday with dumb human actions. Though every action isn't "wrong," those not spent living the life God planned for me seems pretty pointless, when I stop thinking about my trivial life and start thinking about the God of my world.
I praise God for punishment. I praise God that I have a big enough purpose in him that punishment is necessary. I praise God for friends who truly love me. I praise God for parents who truly care. I praise God that He has chosen me, and I have chosen Him, that He does not abandon me when I selfishly forget him in the trivialities of this world. I praise God, because He deserves all the praise I can muster from my little life--and I hope everything that I can give with the rest of my life will please Him.
I am so thankful that God has not given up on me. I hope that everyone can experience God wherever they are walking. Even the most glorious mountain top experience here on Earth with him cannot compare with the true glory and wonder of His name, and even in the depths--He IS there. Believe it & believe in Him.
- erin whatley
- two-two-niine, Georgia, United States
- i never thought it would be hard to fit a nut into a nutshell, but here's a go at what i'm about. foremost, i know, love and follow the Lord. i'm a wild card. i enjoy being alone as much as i enjoy other people. i eat up anything art-related. i'm an only child. i have a BBA in Marketing & an AA in Fine Arts. i'm the marketing and PR gal for Stewbos group, a job i truly love. i do this part-time, and the rest of the time i'm a stay at home wife/mama to Justin and Vayda. i itch to travel and i delight at learning new things. you'll find i'm neurotic, intellectual, honest and somewhat naive. i'm open and compassionate, yet paradoxically hard on myself. my biggest fear is succumbing to cynicism, and my greatest joy is experiencing growth. my idol is willy wonka, because i never want to grow up. i sing and dance my way through the day. I believe the best ones are full of giggles. i think blogging is rather self-indulgent. writing about my thoughts feels selfish, yet i enjoy the exploration it brings. thanks for stopping by.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Blahty-blahty-blah
so, i'm a schemer, eh? well, you're a dreamer.
doing the right thing is always the hardest. & you know that. you're just pissed you didn't get the honest idea first. i felt led to make a difference the best way i could, instead of getting lower & lower in a petty little pit of nothing helpful.
Ugh.
Dont't sit here and analyze my actions when there's nothing deeper than truth there, sweetie.
Not everyone has ulterior motives of mountain top friendships, cracking the whip and dellusional romances.
Sometimes, people want trust, love, fun.
Rarely, do they seek tears, worry, secrets.
Always, people want truth.
If I were trying to climb my way to the top, then I wouldn't waste my time on our friendship. Which is how it's become--A waste of time, because I can't trust you. In a freaking crisis is when the truth comes out, my friend, and you ditched to save yourself & started taking other people down with you.
Get real.
Quit with the sympathy act.
Quit with the lies.
Quit with the tears.
Just quit.
People who can't trust can't be trusted.
And P.S. here is the rest of how i feel: i fuhreaking love YOU. you remind me of everything good about all the rest of my closest friends i've lost.
You #2: i am just plain addicted to you. We are way a lot alike & we make the best team. I hope it stays that way.
You #3: there isn't much to say besides wow.
You #4: you give me a work out because you are so fun.
you #5: everytime i'm with you, it's too much fun.
you #6: we're weird, but i like it. i wouldn't trade it. i love all of my freaking friends. and i'm glad i know who to trust. i feel trust with the six of you like crazy.
doing the right thing is always the hardest. & you know that. you're just pissed you didn't get the honest idea first. i felt led to make a difference the best way i could, instead of getting lower & lower in a petty little pit of nothing helpful.
Ugh.
Dont't sit here and analyze my actions when there's nothing deeper than truth there, sweetie.
Not everyone has ulterior motives of mountain top friendships, cracking the whip and dellusional romances.
Sometimes, people want trust, love, fun.
Rarely, do they seek tears, worry, secrets.
Always, people want truth.
If I were trying to climb my way to the top, then I wouldn't waste my time on our friendship. Which is how it's become--A waste of time, because I can't trust you. In a freaking crisis is when the truth comes out, my friend, and you ditched to save yourself & started taking other people down with you.
Get real.
Quit with the sympathy act.
Quit with the lies.
Quit with the tears.
Just quit.
People who can't trust can't be trusted.
And P.S. here is the rest of how i feel: i fuhreaking love YOU. you remind me of everything good about all the rest of my closest friends i've lost.
You #2: i am just plain addicted to you. We are way a lot alike & we make the best team. I hope it stays that way.
You #3: there isn't much to say besides wow.
You #4: you give me a work out because you are so fun.
you #5: everytime i'm with you, it's too much fun.
you #6: we're weird, but i like it. i wouldn't trade it. i love all of my freaking friends. and i'm glad i know who to trust. i feel trust with the six of you like crazy.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
if i were a preacher, i'd start with this sermon.
written: Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Some of you may know i fasted from the computer for a few days.
i intended on doing it a bit longer, but i've come up with a bit of an alternate plan, which I'd like to share:
ok, so it's a pretty proven fact among man, that when one deprives himself of
something, he craves it that much more. (And, of course, kyle starts telling me
about all these awesome computer codes THE VERY DAY i start my fast--haha!)
Well, instead of me just cutting the computer out completely for a week, I'm going to minimize the time I spend on it for (duh--duh--duh....) FOREVER!!
The whole MySpace/Facebook thing is awesome. I love keeping in touch with people who are those "well, sorda" friends who I always talk about wanting to hang out with but never do.
But all God reasons aside, reality kind of hit me. I read a book in high school & again in college, when doing am in-depth research paper, called Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman. My favorite high school English teacher had a remarkable understanding of the book, and it really influenced me to think the way he & the book explained.
When the book was written, our society was ruled by Television Entertainment, and now, the same can be said about computers. The more we sit in front of a screen, the more we isolate ourselves from the world around us.
Sometimes our sole means of communication comes from an Instant Messanger or from MySpace comments. I mean, people start DATING through Online Dating websites, and--sorry if I offend--that's just absurd. Not to mention, the speed of transmission that technology brings makes the people of today's world feel a necessity to have everything NOW.
The world we live in is so fast paced.
We can't fathom having to find the right groove in the record in which to stick the needle to listen to our favorite songs.
Stamps will soon be obsolete when no one sends letters anymore.
We wonder why it takes five days for our EBay shipment to come in (i mean, i ORDERED it three hours ago--hurry it up!).
I remember when it was cool to have your own phone line at your house, but now all kindergarten kids want their own cell phone.
(Who will they call? SANTA?)
And I won't even dare mentioning a horse & buggy,
or a typewriter,
or cooking in the fireplace.
Our world is BLESSED with all this technology, but we abuse it. I am number one on the list of the guilty, but I really feel that it is time in my life to slow down. The whole world should slow down before the Protac and Zantex turn into the new Tylenol (oh wait...).
It is my opinion that this misuse of techonology is the source of most problems. From a spiritual standpoint, all the hustle and bustle has gotten so loud that it's hard to hear God anymore. Even the most devout Christians have trouble with seeking patience in waiting for the Lord to answer.
"Lord, I want my cancer cured NOW"
"God, I need help with my money situation NOW."
"Show me the path NOW, God."
which turns into...
"Why aren't you listening, God?"
"God, what am I doing wrong?"
"God, do you even exist?"
We treat God like he's a grocery scanner.
We put all the things we want onto the moving belt and then expect to scan
& bag all that up and take it home right away. Does that make sense?
I'm not trying to preach. I just see this mistake being made in my own life.
There are so many seemingly innocent villains in this world sucking the very life out of us. Technology is great, as long as it is used in controlled, moderate ways of which we can be constantly aware.
I say all this to say, I will still be on MySpace/Facebook and all that jazz, but not as excessively or frequently, and in a more conscious way.
Thanks for reading!
Some of you may know i fasted from the computer for a few days.
i intended on doing it a bit longer, but i've come up with a bit of an alternate plan, which I'd like to share:
ok, so it's a pretty proven fact among man, that when one deprives himself of
something, he craves it that much more. (And, of course, kyle starts telling me
about all these awesome computer codes THE VERY DAY i start my fast--haha!)
Well, instead of me just cutting the computer out completely for a week, I'm going to minimize the time I spend on it for (duh--duh--duh....) FOREVER!!
The whole MySpace/Facebook thing is awesome. I love keeping in touch with people who are those "well, sorda" friends who I always talk about wanting to hang out with but never do.
But all God reasons aside, reality kind of hit me. I read a book in high school & again in college, when doing am in-depth research paper, called Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman. My favorite high school English teacher had a remarkable understanding of the book, and it really influenced me to think the way he & the book explained.
When the book was written, our society was ruled by Television Entertainment, and now, the same can be said about computers. The more we sit in front of a screen, the more we isolate ourselves from the world around us.
Sometimes our sole means of communication comes from an Instant Messanger or from MySpace comments. I mean, people start DATING through Online Dating websites, and--sorry if I offend--that's just absurd. Not to mention, the speed of transmission that technology brings makes the people of today's world feel a necessity to have everything NOW.
The world we live in is so fast paced.
We can't fathom having to find the right groove in the record in which to stick the needle to listen to our favorite songs.
Stamps will soon be obsolete when no one sends letters anymore.
We wonder why it takes five days for our EBay shipment to come in (i mean, i ORDERED it three hours ago--hurry it up!).
I remember when it was cool to have your own phone line at your house, but now all kindergarten kids want their own cell phone.
(Who will they call? SANTA?)
And I won't even dare mentioning a horse & buggy,
or a typewriter,
or cooking in the fireplace.
Our world is BLESSED with all this technology, but we abuse it. I am number one on the list of the guilty, but I really feel that it is time in my life to slow down. The whole world should slow down before the Protac and Zantex turn into the new Tylenol (oh wait...).
It is my opinion that this misuse of techonology is the source of most problems. From a spiritual standpoint, all the hustle and bustle has gotten so loud that it's hard to hear God anymore. Even the most devout Christians have trouble with seeking patience in waiting for the Lord to answer.
"Lord, I want my cancer cured NOW"
"God, I need help with my money situation NOW."
"Show me the path NOW, God."
which turns into...
"Why aren't you listening, God?"
"God, what am I doing wrong?"
"God, do you even exist?"
We treat God like he's a grocery scanner.
We put all the things we want onto the moving belt and then expect to scan
& bag all that up and take it home right away. Does that make sense?
I'm not trying to preach. I just see this mistake being made in my own life.
There are so many seemingly innocent villains in this world sucking the very life out of us. Technology is great, as long as it is used in controlled, moderate ways of which we can be constantly aware.
I say all this to say, I will still be on MySpace/Facebook and all that jazz, but not as excessively or frequently, and in a more conscious way.
Thanks for reading!
Problem: Breaking Up. [this is only the beginning]
written: Monday, September 24, 2007
Problem: Breaking Up.
Current mood: sick
You grab at the sky like you could build a ladder out of clouds,
but you don't even know how far you want to climb.
It's Christmas day where the presents melt from sitting too close
to a string of lights before you even wake up out of bed.
Your face puckers while you eat your lifetime supply of sugarless
chocolate and you're frustrated when the salt shaker just doesn't
give it the right taste.
You know the problem, yet you keep eating.
But how do you know what it tastes like?
You imagine the sensation of walking around the desert
in stilleto pumps, but you only recognize sand in your flip-flops.
You think you have the world memorized,
but then you realize you have your sunglasses on.
You raised a kitten who bites through your skin,
yet you won't stop holding her.
You wonder why you shop for new tennis shoes
when your feet are scarred and blistered.
You know the problem, yet you keep walking.
You miserably eat bugs in the corner when there is
a box of piza on the coffee table. You keep on
filling your face, hoping the crunch will eventually
stop making you gag, while your eyes fill with tears,
and the aroma from hot pizza dwells in your brain.
You exercise on the stationary bike and wonder
why you still need training wheels.
You lay down in the middle of the interstate
and pray no car will come today.
You know the problem is coming, yet you keep faithfully lying down.
Most of the time, cars do come: Hopeless.
Slowly, the box of pizza gets close enough,
and you're more willing than ever to take a bite.
You stand up and walk toward the coffee table: Guilt.
You try new tennis shoes on for size: Embitterment.
You lose the sunglasses: Blinded.
You realize that salt isn't what the chocolate is missing: Loss.
Me being the so-called "you:" Isn't easy.
Problem: Breaking Up.
Current mood: sick
You grab at the sky like you could build a ladder out of clouds,
but you don't even know how far you want to climb.
It's Christmas day where the presents melt from sitting too close
to a string of lights before you even wake up out of bed.
Your face puckers while you eat your lifetime supply of sugarless
chocolate and you're frustrated when the salt shaker just doesn't
give it the right taste.
You know the problem, yet you keep eating.
But how do you know what it tastes like?
You imagine the sensation of walking around the desert
in stilleto pumps, but you only recognize sand in your flip-flops.
You think you have the world memorized,
but then you realize you have your sunglasses on.
You raised a kitten who bites through your skin,
yet you won't stop holding her.
You wonder why you shop for new tennis shoes
when your feet are scarred and blistered.
You know the problem, yet you keep walking.
You miserably eat bugs in the corner when there is
a box of piza on the coffee table. You keep on
filling your face, hoping the crunch will eventually
stop making you gag, while your eyes fill with tears,
and the aroma from hot pizza dwells in your brain.
You exercise on the stationary bike and wonder
why you still need training wheels.
You lay down in the middle of the interstate
and pray no car will come today.
You know the problem is coming, yet you keep faithfully lying down.
Most of the time, cars do come: Hopeless.
Slowly, the box of pizza gets close enough,
and you're more willing than ever to take a bite.
You stand up and walk toward the coffee table: Guilt.
You try new tennis shoes on for size: Embitterment.
You lose the sunglasses: Blinded.
You realize that salt isn't what the chocolate is missing: Loss.
Me being the so-called "you:" Isn't easy.
My two cents for free! [topic: eternal security]
written: Thursday, September 27, 2007
My two cents for free!
Current mood: thankful
Category: Religion and Philosophy
During our ministry time the other day at church, there was a pretty heated debate about the idea, "eternal security" or "once saved, always saved," which basically means that
once a person accepts Christ as their personal Savior, meaning that
1.) they believe that he is the one and only way to heaven,
2.) they live their life believing and furthering the fact that He sacrificed His life for their personal sin,
3.) and they grow in wanting to know His heart and follow His will for their life
--once they believe and live out these principles, there is no way they can lose eternal life, or their salvation.
For those of you who are perplexed because you've never heard anyone argue against the security of your faith in Christ, there is a belief, which is commonly associated with Pentacostal doctrine, that a person can "fall from Grace," or, in other words, lose your salvation (that the Word of God promises is eternal, as long as one believes in Him.)
(You can obviously tell my stance...i would say "my opinion," but the Bible states clearly that you cannot lose salvation, and I would gladly be lukewarm on the issue if I didn't believe it is evident in the Word.)
I won't get into the argument yesterday, because I did a poor job of keeping emotions under wraps enough to express my point clearly and effectively. I used too many personal examples and opinions instead of focusing on what God clearly states in the Bible.
1: No, i am not regurgitating Baptist doctrine: I am regurgitating my studies of the Word of God, and my interest is based on nothing but curiousity. I don't think you can say a prayer and live however you want to. I believe salvation is the very act of believing in the Lord and what He has done and is doing in your heart and in this world, and when you believe that, there is evident change in your life--because how couldn't there be, when you are aiming to be a representation of He who perfectly walked this earth, wholly man and wholly God?
2: Yes, I KNOW being saved is a relationship between you and God. Like I said, Salvation is the very act of believing in the Lord. People draw illustrations and say when sin breaks the line, you have lost your salvation. Well, where is that line? No, I won't just know--because that isn't Biblical. There is no such "line," just like the Bible doesn't mention an Age of Accountability, so I don't know how old a kid has to be to be responsible for his salvation. But many Christians hold some made-up idea with age 5 or 7 (Well, how do you know? "I just know." WRONG.) The Bible doesn't say it, therefore, it's just speculation
3: It isn't my place to judge situations in which people die in sin. It isn't my place to judge peoples' hearts as being saved or unsaved. As long as you live believing in Jesus Christ, you are SAVED through His perfect sacrifice. It's no more complicated than that.
I am merely saying that
the one and only Lord Jesus promises me eternal life, and when you say I can LOSE that eternal life--well, then that eternal life isn't very eternal then, is it?
And not to mention the fact that I didn't do anything to derseve it anyway, so what can I do to lose it?
And if I didn't deserve it, then I sure didn't earn it, so what sin could earn me "falling from Grace"?
Nothing.
Oh, and doesn't the Bible happen to mention that all sins are seen as equal in the eyes of the Lord?
So, if you proclaim to be a Christian, yet you are a hopeless gossip your whole life, and you die gossiping--and you KNOW you are living in that sin--will you go to Hell? Will you burn right beside Ted Bundy who murdered countless women? You say, "Erin, now that's a little extreme. I mean, everyone gossips"
WELL, PEOPLE, EVERYONE SINS CONSTANTLY--THROUGHOUT THE DAY!
And if all sin is equal like the Bible says, and you happen to believe that living in continuous sin will make you "fall from grace," then, to me, that is what you seem to be saying.
The above idea seems to create a pretty exclusive, unattainable heaven when in the Bible, God is explained as the God who loves all mankind and wants to see them all saved. It seems like a fearful life of being scared to do anything for fear of losing the gift God gave you unconditionally.
The following is an example of what He didn't say in John 3:16, a common Bible verse (I added the content in brackets to show an exaggerated form of the "falling from grace" idea),
"For God so loved the world, He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him" [and doesn't commit more than forty sins in a day or live in sin for more than two weeks] "shall not perish and have everlasting" [as long as you don't break "the sin line" which is up to you to figure out where that is, so long as you know that the everlasting part is conditional upon your actions, minimizing the sacrifice of the most perfect Jesus on the cross] "life."
NO, it says, "whosoever believes in HIM shall not perish and have everlasting life," meaning there are no other conditions God thinks important enough to add in to qualify you for life eternal.
He didn't say you will have it as long as you're pretty much sin-free.
Why do people make God so difficult?
If he wanted you to know you could lose your salvation, He'd make it clear in the Bible. If He wanted you to know your salvation was secure for eternity, He would say so in the Bible--OH WAIT, HE DOES!
So, it's not much of a debate anymore to me.
No, it isn't an essential truth in order to get into heaven.
But it is a pretty exhausting way to live life if you don't have to.
And, yes, it is an unarguable Biblical truth. Not taken out of context. Not watered down. Not squeezed or analyzed to make it seem like that's what it may mean. It's black and white. Word for word IN THE WORD OF GOD.
(i'd love to hear anyone's findings in the Bible about this issue. Opinions are ok, too, but, not to be rude, you are wasting your breath if you don't give me a verse, in context, to back it up. Because if God didn't say it, or if words are being manipulated, I'm really not interested.)
Currently listening :
In Christ Alone
By Keith & Kristyn Getty
Release date: 28 August, 2007
My two cents for free!
Current mood: thankful
Category: Religion and Philosophy
During our ministry time the other day at church, there was a pretty heated debate about the idea, "eternal security" or "once saved, always saved," which basically means that
once a person accepts Christ as their personal Savior, meaning that
1.) they believe that he is the one and only way to heaven,
2.) they live their life believing and furthering the fact that He sacrificed His life for their personal sin,
3.) and they grow in wanting to know His heart and follow His will for their life
--once they believe and live out these principles, there is no way they can lose eternal life, or their salvation.
For those of you who are perplexed because you've never heard anyone argue against the security of your faith in Christ, there is a belief, which is commonly associated with Pentacostal doctrine, that a person can "fall from Grace," or, in other words, lose your salvation (that the Word of God promises is eternal, as long as one believes in Him.)
(You can obviously tell my stance...i would say "my opinion," but the Bible states clearly that you cannot lose salvation, and I would gladly be lukewarm on the issue if I didn't believe it is evident in the Word.)
I won't get into the argument yesterday, because I did a poor job of keeping emotions under wraps enough to express my point clearly and effectively. I used too many personal examples and opinions instead of focusing on what God clearly states in the Bible.
1: No, i am not regurgitating Baptist doctrine: I am regurgitating my studies of the Word of God, and my interest is based on nothing but curiousity. I don't think you can say a prayer and live however you want to. I believe salvation is the very act of believing in the Lord and what He has done and is doing in your heart and in this world, and when you believe that, there is evident change in your life--because how couldn't there be, when you are aiming to be a representation of He who perfectly walked this earth, wholly man and wholly God?
2: Yes, I KNOW being saved is a relationship between you and God. Like I said, Salvation is the very act of believing in the Lord. People draw illustrations and say when sin breaks the line, you have lost your salvation. Well, where is that line? No, I won't just know--because that isn't Biblical. There is no such "line," just like the Bible doesn't mention an Age of Accountability, so I don't know how old a kid has to be to be responsible for his salvation. But many Christians hold some made-up idea with age 5 or 7 (Well, how do you know? "I just know." WRONG.) The Bible doesn't say it, therefore, it's just speculation
3: It isn't my place to judge situations in which people die in sin. It isn't my place to judge peoples' hearts as being saved or unsaved. As long as you live believing in Jesus Christ, you are SAVED through His perfect sacrifice. It's no more complicated than that.
I am merely saying that
the one and only Lord Jesus promises me eternal life, and when you say I can LOSE that eternal life--well, then that eternal life isn't very eternal then, is it?
And not to mention the fact that I didn't do anything to derseve it anyway, so what can I do to lose it?
And if I didn't deserve it, then I sure didn't earn it, so what sin could earn me "falling from Grace"?
Nothing.
Oh, and doesn't the Bible happen to mention that all sins are seen as equal in the eyes of the Lord?
So, if you proclaim to be a Christian, yet you are a hopeless gossip your whole life, and you die gossiping--and you KNOW you are living in that sin--will you go to Hell? Will you burn right beside Ted Bundy who murdered countless women? You say, "Erin, now that's a little extreme. I mean, everyone gossips"
WELL, PEOPLE, EVERYONE SINS CONSTANTLY--THROUGHOUT THE DAY!
And if all sin is equal like the Bible says, and you happen to believe that living in continuous sin will make you "fall from grace," then, to me, that is what you seem to be saying.
The above idea seems to create a pretty exclusive, unattainable heaven when in the Bible, God is explained as the God who loves all mankind and wants to see them all saved. It seems like a fearful life of being scared to do anything for fear of losing the gift God gave you unconditionally.
The following is an example of what He didn't say in John 3:16, a common Bible verse (I added the content in brackets to show an exaggerated form of the "falling from grace" idea),
"For God so loved the world, He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him" [and doesn't commit more than forty sins in a day or live in sin for more than two weeks] "shall not perish and have everlasting" [as long as you don't break "the sin line" which is up to you to figure out where that is, so long as you know that the everlasting part is conditional upon your actions, minimizing the sacrifice of the most perfect Jesus on the cross] "life."
NO, it says, "whosoever believes in HIM shall not perish and have everlasting life," meaning there are no other conditions God thinks important enough to add in to qualify you for life eternal.
He didn't say you will have it as long as you're pretty much sin-free.
Why do people make God so difficult?
If he wanted you to know you could lose your salvation, He'd make it clear in the Bible. If He wanted you to know your salvation was secure for eternity, He would say so in the Bible--OH WAIT, HE DOES!
So, it's not much of a debate anymore to me.
No, it isn't an essential truth in order to get into heaven.
But it is a pretty exhausting way to live life if you don't have to.
And, yes, it is an unarguable Biblical truth. Not taken out of context. Not watered down. Not squeezed or analyzed to make it seem like that's what it may mean. It's black and white. Word for word IN THE WORD OF GOD.
(i'd love to hear anyone's findings in the Bible about this issue. Opinions are ok, too, but, not to be rude, you are wasting your breath if you don't give me a verse, in context, to back it up. Because if God didn't say it, or if words are being manipulated, I'm really not interested.)
Currently listening :
In Christ Alone
By Keith & Kristyn Getty
Release date: 28 August, 2007
i feel naked as a newborn
written: November 28, 2007
And about as confused as one, too.
Tornado Erin has been rolling through for a while.
I feel good. It may sound terribly strange, but I am so happy that I'm sad right now.
That means nothing to you until you're going through a situation where you can understand it. It's easy for me to run away from a problem when things start going bad. That's usually how I operate, and somewhere down the road, I'm forced to deal with some pretty nasty baggage.
Running away and "moving on" and living well being the best revenge--all of these things have gotten old. Maybe I'm growing up, who knows?
I've ultimately decided to deal with myself and my hurts right now. Even though it would be easy to bypass all my emotions and find something to keep me too busy to think about things, I've decided to do the hard things now, so that I can be a better me later.
I can only be concerned with me. Though i hurt for the pain he'll endure one day, I can only control myself, so I'm going to make sure I do that correctly.
Circumstances lately have just tickled me to tears.
I feel like a newborn, because my life is a blank slate--everything in my life has just been wiped totally clean. Sometimes painfully, other times, joyfully.
It's like a house destroyed in a storm, and now, all that's left are the foundations of the home. I can rebuild it however I choose. I can feel sad for my loss, but living in bitterness over what has happened and acting in spite of the situation can serve no purpose but hurt in the furthering of myself. If I can choose to use positively what are now memories, I can continue to move forward. I'm thankful I have the opportunity to rebuild. I'm excited for it. All of the imperfections can be perfected. I can make a better, stronger, more efficient house. I'm excited for what God's doing in my life.
And about as confused as one, too.
Tornado Erin has been rolling through for a while.
I feel good. It may sound terribly strange, but I am so happy that I'm sad right now.
That means nothing to you until you're going through a situation where you can understand it. It's easy for me to run away from a problem when things start going bad. That's usually how I operate, and somewhere down the road, I'm forced to deal with some pretty nasty baggage.
Running away and "moving on" and living well being the best revenge--all of these things have gotten old. Maybe I'm growing up, who knows?
I've ultimately decided to deal with myself and my hurts right now. Even though it would be easy to bypass all my emotions and find something to keep me too busy to think about things, I've decided to do the hard things now, so that I can be a better me later.
I can only be concerned with me. Though i hurt for the pain he'll endure one day, I can only control myself, so I'm going to make sure I do that correctly.
Circumstances lately have just tickled me to tears.
I feel like a newborn, because my life is a blank slate--everything in my life has just been wiped totally clean. Sometimes painfully, other times, joyfully.
It's like a house destroyed in a storm, and now, all that's left are the foundations of the home. I can rebuild it however I choose. I can feel sad for my loss, but living in bitterness over what has happened and acting in spite of the situation can serve no purpose but hurt in the furthering of myself. If I can choose to use positively what are now memories, I can continue to move forward. I'm thankful I have the opportunity to rebuild. I'm excited for it. All of the imperfections can be perfected. I can make a better, stronger, more efficient house. I'm excited for what God's doing in my life.
i'm tired of wasting moments talking about the tragedy of wasting moments.
Monday, November 12, 2007
it's small today. this is definitely a brain vomit. i thought it; i wrote it.
you won't understand half of it. it's intentional--because you can't.
but i write it in hopes that you will, because isn't that the point?
break ups are silly, until it's your own turn.
it's hard to love someone, but simultaneously know that it is the end.
there comes a point when tomorrow is yesterday,
and the cynical sarcasm isn't enough to keep things together.
the outwardly-projected illusion of "us" isn't worth the reality of every internal brick i've laid in my walls.
i feel sour.
i feel like that ugly black banana everyone scoffs at in the grocery store,
but i'm ok with that.
at least that pitiful little banana peacefully sits there NOT remembering how it got to be so smooshed up.
you can wipe the slobber off of your chin at the fact that i'm airing my dirty little
laundry out for all to read, but who would keep me from it? who wouldn't listen?
you see, i am not mad at him. i mad at me. i cannot control him, but i can control me.
and i am exhausted from the concept of regret. who even knows what it is?
to wish you hadn't done something is to wish you weren't
who you are today--how can one be so terribly ungrateful?
i find myself disappointed in my weak moments, but without them,
how could i really know the Lord? it is in my strongest times that i let God ride shotgun.
i would even say i look forward to these holes in life, because i always find
myself seeing something instead of just seeing.
seeing instead of seeing,
yes i said it, and, no, i'm not insane--because there is a difference.
bananas in the grocery store. yeah, turn me yellow to black.
i'll buy these hide and seek dresses. do you think it can fix the inside, though?
or is that what you were aiming to do, dear father?
oh wait, or did you do it, because i could have sworn you said it was my fault.
oh you did? oh, i'm troubled, eh, granny? speak up, i can't hear through the
stutters fumbling out of your mouth from onset of your crazy pills.
don't touch me, don't try me. i won't respect you, because i've been a player
on this gameboard for an aching lifetime, and who has the compass pointing to right?
one right in a deck of wrong? it surely seems not. when will i ever know?
i know. i'm hilarious. invite me over to tell you some jokes.
you'll get a good work out. (obviously, i'm cocky, too.)
but do you know why i am the way i am? i haven't always been
crazy, lets jam out in the car, say what i want to, insanely outgoing
Erin.
Nope, not always.
See, I spent a lot of time growing up feeling sorry for myself.
feeling sorry for myself because i was the fat 200lb. middle schooler.
having pity parties because i was a nerd, a naive little nothing,
for all the "injustice" in my life, for all the things everyone "did to me."
well, who gives a flying crap? i got tired of being that person.
no one is capable of doing anything to me that i don't let them.
how sinfully stupid to sit around and feel bad for nothing.
it's an exhausting way to live.
and when i finally let go of all of it, knock, knock:
surprise, its me! this is who was there.
i laugh at myself, and many things around me--i'm easily cynical, because i've seen a lot.
i find joy in the most awkward situations. i get pretty deep about things, and i need to lighten up alot.
i find compassion in the hardest places, but i am also plagued with selfishness enough to miss the opportunity.
i find endurance in the scariest times, but many times, i break down in the dumbest places,
which even gives me a headache trying to figure out why.
i try to stay so on the surface of life sometimes, living in the trivialities of routine and habit.
i like that side of me, but there is another really scary, broken and deep side of me that i like to bury many days.
and you, of all people, brought this on. No, not you, You. and you know, but not you.
or maybe it was several instances, who knows.
You don't, but thank you. But then again, no.
You are a subjectless subject subjecting yourself.
I would give you many titles, but how could i when i can't write a line.
I see all of you, but i haven't seen your face.
But isn't that the most powerful thing?
i'm so full of riddles, but do they have joyful answers? i'm looking for them
it's small today. this is definitely a brain vomit. i thought it; i wrote it.
you won't understand half of it. it's intentional--because you can't.
but i write it in hopes that you will, because isn't that the point?
break ups are silly, until it's your own turn.
it's hard to love someone, but simultaneously know that it is the end.
there comes a point when tomorrow is yesterday,
and the cynical sarcasm isn't enough to keep things together.
the outwardly-projected illusion of "us" isn't worth the reality of every internal brick i've laid in my walls.
i feel sour.
i feel like that ugly black banana everyone scoffs at in the grocery store,
but i'm ok with that.
at least that pitiful little banana peacefully sits there NOT remembering how it got to be so smooshed up.
you can wipe the slobber off of your chin at the fact that i'm airing my dirty little
laundry out for all to read, but who would keep me from it? who wouldn't listen?
you see, i am not mad at him. i mad at me. i cannot control him, but i can control me.
and i am exhausted from the concept of regret. who even knows what it is?
to wish you hadn't done something is to wish you weren't
who you are today--how can one be so terribly ungrateful?
i find myself disappointed in my weak moments, but without them,
how could i really know the Lord? it is in my strongest times that i let God ride shotgun.
i would even say i look forward to these holes in life, because i always find
myself seeing something instead of just seeing.
seeing instead of seeing,
yes i said it, and, no, i'm not insane--because there is a difference.
bananas in the grocery store. yeah, turn me yellow to black.
i'll buy these hide and seek dresses. do you think it can fix the inside, though?
or is that what you were aiming to do, dear father?
oh wait, or did you do it, because i could have sworn you said it was my fault.
oh you did? oh, i'm troubled, eh, granny? speak up, i can't hear through the
stutters fumbling out of your mouth from onset of your crazy pills.
don't touch me, don't try me. i won't respect you, because i've been a player
on this gameboard for an aching lifetime, and who has the compass pointing to right?
one right in a deck of wrong? it surely seems not. when will i ever know?
i know. i'm hilarious. invite me over to tell you some jokes.
you'll get a good work out. (obviously, i'm cocky, too.)
but do you know why i am the way i am? i haven't always been
crazy, lets jam out in the car, say what i want to, insanely outgoing
Erin.
Nope, not always.
See, I spent a lot of time growing up feeling sorry for myself.
feeling sorry for myself because i was the fat 200lb. middle schooler.
having pity parties because i was a nerd, a naive little nothing,
for all the "injustice" in my life, for all the things everyone "did to me."
well, who gives a flying crap? i got tired of being that person.
no one is capable of doing anything to me that i don't let them.
how sinfully stupid to sit around and feel bad for nothing.
it's an exhausting way to live.
and when i finally let go of all of it, knock, knock:
surprise, its me! this is who was there.
i laugh at myself, and many things around me--i'm easily cynical, because i've seen a lot.
i find joy in the most awkward situations. i get pretty deep about things, and i need to lighten up alot.
i find compassion in the hardest places, but i am also plagued with selfishness enough to miss the opportunity.
i find endurance in the scariest times, but many times, i break down in the dumbest places,
which even gives me a headache trying to figure out why.
i try to stay so on the surface of life sometimes, living in the trivialities of routine and habit.
i like that side of me, but there is another really scary, broken and deep side of me that i like to bury many days.
and you, of all people, brought this on. No, not you, You. and you know, but not you.
or maybe it was several instances, who knows.
You don't, but thank you. But then again, no.
You are a subjectless subject subjecting yourself.
I would give you many titles, but how could i when i can't write a line.
I see all of you, but i haven't seen your face.
But isn't that the most powerful thing?
i'm so full of riddles, but do they have joyful answers? i'm looking for them
so, i'm pondering my God for a minute.
i just had the strangest thought. being that it's 2:42 AM, i'm probably hallucinating, but i just had one of those moments where God gave me the vision again.
See, sometimes I joke with God, because we're tight--and he made me funny, ya know? and he made me funny for a reason--to be funny for him--so that's part of my worship. strange, you say? absolutely not. i'm sick of people thinking worshipping God is strictly through music. God made us so that He could love us, wanting nothing back but love in return--and like Eric told me one time, God don't make no trash.
In the easiest way I know how to say it, God is basically the coolest thing ever, so he makes us like him, so we can have special little bits of his coolness. Sometimes we get caught up on what church and religion tell us is worship, but church isn't God. I worship God when I see the beauty in something he's created and I have the urge to paint it. I worship God when I cry over some injustice in life. I worship God when I see someone and I feel led to pray for them. In every attempt I make to know my God a little better, I worship him.
I take pride in who He made me to be. I take pride in being too emotional and stubborn, because God is emotional and stubborn. I take pride in being creative and outgoing, because God is creative and outgoing. Next time you really look at the natural earth, think about the beautiful the art is that God has made. Next time you really try to listen to God, see how much He talks to you. Sure, you may not hear a verbal, booming voice--but I sure do know when God's saying something to me. And when I'm listening, I can't stop hearing God. Crap, when I'm not listening, God gets even louder.
I guess I write all this because for so long, I had this trivial, shallow, formal relationship with God. I believed in God like I believe Uranus is floating around in space. I believed He was real and alive, but he was nothing personal for me. I hate to see people walk in that. It brings so much doubt. God is my friend. And that may sound cliche and silly--until you try it. I love just talking to God throughout the day about random things. Like I said, I joke around with God. I miss God when I push Him away and don't make time for Him.
I get tired of people, including myself, missing out on just how awesome their relationship with God can be. They think of God as some solemn old man with a lightning rod ready to strike you down, and I just don't believe a God that made me so that He could love me would be that cruel and distant. God didn't need me. I hate living life like i'm doing Him some favor by giving him the tiniest bit of time i can in the day to learn how to live life like He did while He walked here on this earth, but it is so easy to forget that not only did He make us--He made a way for us to have a secure eternity in perfect happiness--and all He asks is that we believe in Him and do our human best to lead others to Him. How do I not live life worshipping 24/7. I blow my own mind.
So, that's what God just told me. All I have to do is worship. Quit feeling sorry and worrying about all my mistakes, and take the moments you're wasting and get up and do what you're created and called to do. What could be easier? What could make me more happy or fulfilled than that?
See, sometimes I joke with God, because we're tight--and he made me funny, ya know? and he made me funny for a reason--to be funny for him--so that's part of my worship. strange, you say? absolutely not. i'm sick of people thinking worshipping God is strictly through music. God made us so that He could love us, wanting nothing back but love in return--and like Eric told me one time, God don't make no trash.
In the easiest way I know how to say it, God is basically the coolest thing ever, so he makes us like him, so we can have special little bits of his coolness. Sometimes we get caught up on what church and religion tell us is worship, but church isn't God. I worship God when I see the beauty in something he's created and I have the urge to paint it. I worship God when I cry over some injustice in life. I worship God when I see someone and I feel led to pray for them. In every attempt I make to know my God a little better, I worship him.
I take pride in who He made me to be. I take pride in being too emotional and stubborn, because God is emotional and stubborn. I take pride in being creative and outgoing, because God is creative and outgoing. Next time you really look at the natural earth, think about the beautiful the art is that God has made. Next time you really try to listen to God, see how much He talks to you. Sure, you may not hear a verbal, booming voice--but I sure do know when God's saying something to me. And when I'm listening, I can't stop hearing God. Crap, when I'm not listening, God gets even louder.
I guess I write all this because for so long, I had this trivial, shallow, formal relationship with God. I believed in God like I believe Uranus is floating around in space. I believed He was real and alive, but he was nothing personal for me. I hate to see people walk in that. It brings so much doubt. God is my friend. And that may sound cliche and silly--until you try it. I love just talking to God throughout the day about random things. Like I said, I joke around with God. I miss God when I push Him away and don't make time for Him.
I get tired of people, including myself, missing out on just how awesome their relationship with God can be. They think of God as some solemn old man with a lightning rod ready to strike you down, and I just don't believe a God that made me so that He could love me would be that cruel and distant. God didn't need me. I hate living life like i'm doing Him some favor by giving him the tiniest bit of time i can in the day to learn how to live life like He did while He walked here on this earth, but it is so easy to forget that not only did He make us--He made a way for us to have a secure eternity in perfect happiness--and all He asks is that we believe in Him and do our human best to lead others to Him. How do I not live life worshipping 24/7. I blow my own mind.
So, that's what God just told me. All I have to do is worship. Quit feeling sorry and worrying about all my mistakes, and take the moments you're wasting and get up and do what you're created and called to do. What could be easier? What could make me more happy or fulfilled than that?
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Birthday
i hope it doesn't suck.
a super good day would be refreshing.
i'm not expecting much though.
that never seems to work.
that's all i've got. i enjoyed the futurenow thing tonight. interesting.
i liked the people who were in charge of it.
it's really awesome seeing people from a small town doing big, amazing things.
it's empowering.
i learned a lot tonight.
a lot that i just can't put into words.
except, i do want to learn sign language.
i feel like God spoke to me about it tonight.
i know that sounds weird, but i'll give you more details after i pray and figure it out more.
life is complicated.
i like it like that.
i like knowing i'll never figure it out.
it's nice giving up control.
and yes, he is fun; i enjoyed it.
but i enjoy this too. it's my heart.
a super good day would be refreshing.
i'm not expecting much though.
that never seems to work.
that's all i've got. i enjoyed the futurenow thing tonight. interesting.
i liked the people who were in charge of it.
it's really awesome seeing people from a small town doing big, amazing things.
it's empowering.
i learned a lot tonight.
a lot that i just can't put into words.
except, i do want to learn sign language.
i feel like God spoke to me about it tonight.
i know that sounds weird, but i'll give you more details after i pray and figure it out more.
life is complicated.
i like it like that.
i like knowing i'll never figure it out.
it's nice giving up control.
and yes, he is fun; i enjoyed it.
but i enjoy this too. it's my heart.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
whoop!
it's time for a happy blog! i'm sick of all the emo crap. i've been going through a lot lately, and i'm not sure i'm done digging through all the stress mess--but like Eric said the other day, "i feel like i'm on the upswing of the valley." and, that feels good!
i knew it would end somewhere, and my mini-breakdown was pretty trivial as far as bad times go. I've just been overwhelmed with things to do, and i just couldn't see the end of it coming near. I feel like I'm about to have a little time to catch up.
I will finally get more than six hours of sleep for the first time in the past weeks that i can remember! how great!! AND my birthday is on thursday! that should be fun. kyle is really building up the birthday/anniversary gift he got me. i'm excited BIG TIME! i can't believe Kyle and I have been dating a year! it's crazy, because it doesn't seem like it's been that long. When I look at other couples and hear them saying it's been a year and some change, i always think about how long and serious that amount of time is. But with Kyle, it doesn't seem that way--definitely a good thing!
things are looking up. it's definitely the Lord. I try to push and fight through all the crap alone, but I always end up knowing that without the strength and joy of the Lord, the hard roads are a lot bumpier.
Tough stuff.
My old sunday school teacher died. Pray for his family. I heard some details, but I am not sure how accurate those are, so, out of respect for his family, I won't disclose them. I'm praying for them. My dad lost his dad in a horrible way at a young age, so such tragedies always weigh on my heart.
That makes me think about how much I miss my grandads. My dad's dad died when I was only a baby in an awful tragedy. And last Thanksgiving, my only living grampa died from necrotizing fasciitis, an extremely rare flesh-eating bacteria, with complications of diabetes. He got sick one Sunday and died the next.
During that week, he had his leg cut off above the hip and some of his back. I never saw him conscious that week. Kyle never met him. But the Sunday he died, Kyle drove me and my grandma over, because we were going to see him, and right when we got there, he began to go through the process of dying. Kyle stood by my side as I watched my grandfather take his last breath.
Watching someone die is emotional, but it revealed God to me in a way I can't explain. There was a peace. It wasn't like we were fighting for him to stay alive. I remember my mom telling him not to fight and to listen to the Lord and go to heaven where Meme is (my stepgrandma who died from lung cancer three years ago). Watching him take his last breath, I knew in my heart that it wasn't the last of my grandfather. It was just his last moments here on earth in that body. It was an unforgettable experience. Awful yet awe-striking all the same.
My grandmas are the only things I have left, and my grandma helen has bad back problems and she goes through a lot since my grandpa's been gone. i worry about her, and i feel so guilty because i never get to spend time with her. and my grandma lynne struggles so much with money. she doesn't have anything anymore, and i havent seen her very much lately. it kills me, because i love them so much, and i don't know that they know it.
I guess this hasn't been a happy blog after all, but i needed to search some things out.
it's good sometimes.
i knew it would end somewhere, and my mini-breakdown was pretty trivial as far as bad times go. I've just been overwhelmed with things to do, and i just couldn't see the end of it coming near. I feel like I'm about to have a little time to catch up.
I will finally get more than six hours of sleep for the first time in the past weeks that i can remember! how great!! AND my birthday is on thursday! that should be fun. kyle is really building up the birthday/anniversary gift he got me. i'm excited BIG TIME! i can't believe Kyle and I have been dating a year! it's crazy, because it doesn't seem like it's been that long. When I look at other couples and hear them saying it's been a year and some change, i always think about how long and serious that amount of time is. But with Kyle, it doesn't seem that way--definitely a good thing!
things are looking up. it's definitely the Lord. I try to push and fight through all the crap alone, but I always end up knowing that without the strength and joy of the Lord, the hard roads are a lot bumpier.
Tough stuff.
My old sunday school teacher died. Pray for his family. I heard some details, but I am not sure how accurate those are, so, out of respect for his family, I won't disclose them. I'm praying for them. My dad lost his dad in a horrible way at a young age, so such tragedies always weigh on my heart.
That makes me think about how much I miss my grandads. My dad's dad died when I was only a baby in an awful tragedy. And last Thanksgiving, my only living grampa died from necrotizing fasciitis, an extremely rare flesh-eating bacteria, with complications of diabetes. He got sick one Sunday and died the next.
During that week, he had his leg cut off above the hip and some of his back. I never saw him conscious that week. Kyle never met him. But the Sunday he died, Kyle drove me and my grandma over, because we were going to see him, and right when we got there, he began to go through the process of dying. Kyle stood by my side as I watched my grandfather take his last breath.
Watching someone die is emotional, but it revealed God to me in a way I can't explain. There was a peace. It wasn't like we were fighting for him to stay alive. I remember my mom telling him not to fight and to listen to the Lord and go to heaven where Meme is (my stepgrandma who died from lung cancer three years ago). Watching him take his last breath, I knew in my heart that it wasn't the last of my grandfather. It was just his last moments here on earth in that body. It was an unforgettable experience. Awful yet awe-striking all the same.
My grandmas are the only things I have left, and my grandma helen has bad back problems and she goes through a lot since my grandpa's been gone. i worry about her, and i feel so guilty because i never get to spend time with her. and my grandma lynne struggles so much with money. she doesn't have anything anymore, and i havent seen her very much lately. it kills me, because i love them so much, and i don't know that they know it.
I guess this hasn't been a happy blog after all, but i needed to search some things out.
it's good sometimes.
Monday, September 10, 2007
yeah, i'm blinded.
if that thing stopped moving, i'd break. i'd fall apart.
i think about it a lot. a lot--as in, too much. i care about it so much that i've cried.
i am vague on purpose. this thought is scary and from somewhere deep & hidden,
but everything needs an escape. This escape will be a little slighted, but released, all the same.
i feel as if i have cheated on a test i haven't taken.
my mouth is watering for a food i'll never taste. that's agonizing.
agonizing because it's an undesirable meal for all, yet i'm dying to take a bite.
i'm an animal, an animal wishing perfection from out of that vein.
maybe i'll lose my appetite soon.
i think about it a lot. a lot--as in, too much. i care about it so much that i've cried.
i am vague on purpose. this thought is scary and from somewhere deep & hidden,
but everything needs an escape. This escape will be a little slighted, but released, all the same.
i feel as if i have cheated on a test i haven't taken.
my mouth is watering for a food i'll never taste. that's agonizing.
agonizing because it's an undesirable meal for all, yet i'm dying to take a bite.
i'm an animal, an animal wishing perfection from out of that vein.
maybe i'll lose my appetite soon.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Runaway
i'm copping out,
losing the battle.
i don't know why...i don't know why i feel so hopelessly stressed out. i'm not myself anymore. My free-spirited personality is missing the "free" and the "spirit." I feel so empty. Most people don't know, because I do a good job faking it.
I'm tired of faking it. I'm so exhausted, I can fall asleep on command. I'm so empty inside that I find no joy in doing anything anymore. Everything is a chore. I know everyone feels like running away, but I've never seriously felt it before.
I was talking to Mrs. Connie, Kyle's mom, and she really made me feel better.
I love Mrs. Connie. She's my boss sometimes, but the rest of the time she is my second mom. She gives really great advice and makes me feel normal even though I feel like I am completely and totally insane. I've told a few people how I feel.
I can't put my finger on the source of this funk I'm in, but it started when I was looking at some friends' pictures on facebook. these friends go to an exclusive theatre school, and I was looking at all the fun they were having. They seem so carefree of consequence. Basically, they do whatever they want and have no reason to feel bad. I hate to admit it, but there is no covering it up--I am envious.
It may be horrible to admit that I look curiously out of interest into a world of sin and worldly liberty, especially because of my position as an intern. I think that is why I feel so crummy inside, because I am supposed to be an example and I can't even get my mind focused on the Lord. I am tempted and envious of things that I have done.
I want to run away and live a life of selfish sin merely because I am stressed to the maximum point.
I'm confused.
I know it is because I am human, and I know Satan tempts me. It's just confusing and trying--and sometimes, pushing and fighting for my beliefs & being the unpopular thing to do gets to be too much for my sorry, small human mind--and all i want to do is quit and drink a margarita and do a number of other stupid things.
But there IS a difference between wanting to and actually doing it. I will not be the latter.
This too shall pass--what gam zeh ya'avor means--is what i live by, everything is fleeting. I still love life in all of it's craziness.
i know, i am utterly insane.
losing the battle.
i don't know why...i don't know why i feel so hopelessly stressed out. i'm not myself anymore. My free-spirited personality is missing the "free" and the "spirit." I feel so empty. Most people don't know, because I do a good job faking it.
I'm tired of faking it. I'm so exhausted, I can fall asleep on command. I'm so empty inside that I find no joy in doing anything anymore. Everything is a chore. I know everyone feels like running away, but I've never seriously felt it before.
I was talking to Mrs. Connie, Kyle's mom, and she really made me feel better.
I love Mrs. Connie. She's my boss sometimes, but the rest of the time she is my second mom. She gives really great advice and makes me feel normal even though I feel like I am completely and totally insane. I've told a few people how I feel.
I can't put my finger on the source of this funk I'm in, but it started when I was looking at some friends' pictures on facebook. these friends go to an exclusive theatre school, and I was looking at all the fun they were having. They seem so carefree of consequence. Basically, they do whatever they want and have no reason to feel bad. I hate to admit it, but there is no covering it up--I am envious.
It may be horrible to admit that I look curiously out of interest into a world of sin and worldly liberty, especially because of my position as an intern. I think that is why I feel so crummy inside, because I am supposed to be an example and I can't even get my mind focused on the Lord. I am tempted and envious of things that I have done.
I want to run away and live a life of selfish sin merely because I am stressed to the maximum point.
I'm confused.
I know it is because I am human, and I know Satan tempts me. It's just confusing and trying--and sometimes, pushing and fighting for my beliefs & being the unpopular thing to do gets to be too much for my sorry, small human mind--and all i want to do is quit and drink a margarita and do a number of other stupid things.
But there IS a difference between wanting to and actually doing it. I will not be the latter.
This too shall pass--what gam zeh ya'avor means--is what i live by, everything is fleeting. I still love life in all of it's craziness.
i know, i am utterly insane.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Fire Eyes
It's been a while since I posted. I really write these blogs to vent, not really to say anything intellegent or worthwhile enough for anyone to read. But hey, if you want in to the Erin psyche, be my guest, and if you figure me out, shout me a holler, because I sure haven't figured it out.
Have you ever had everything you'd always wanted? Of course, I don't mean everything, because that's idealistic and impossible--and if one is satisfied, then he is the living dead, because to be totally satisfied means to have nothing left to hunger or pursue. (yeah, i didn't come up with that. wish i were that amazing, but a good teach of mine said it.)
But, you know what I mean. Wanting a sensitive, sweet, open, loving guy after "The Good ol' Boy" just wasn't good to me, and then finding Kyle. Wanting so badly for so many years to be involved in church on a new level, and now being an intern. Wanting an easy, respectable, honest job, and working at Sims. And the list goes on.
So many blessing, yet I complain so much. I curse my blessings regularly. The two previous blogs are example. Though I am stressed (and I am VERY stressed now, more than then for sure), I am busy for a reason. God has given me so many capabilities and opportunities that my head spins.
It's exciting. And sometimes I forget it's not my small head that orders the day and orders my footsteps. That's where all these headaches come from (literally, a bottle of tylenol this week..), the thought that I am controlling all of this stress. When really, the God I claim to put all of my trust is the one who is guiding me. How much more relief does a person need?
Have you ever had everything you'd always wanted? Of course, I don't mean everything, because that's idealistic and impossible--and if one is satisfied, then he is the living dead, because to be totally satisfied means to have nothing left to hunger or pursue. (yeah, i didn't come up with that. wish i were that amazing, but a good teach of mine said it.)
But, you know what I mean. Wanting a sensitive, sweet, open, loving guy after "The Good ol' Boy" just wasn't good to me, and then finding Kyle. Wanting so badly for so many years to be involved in church on a new level, and now being an intern. Wanting an easy, respectable, honest job, and working at Sims. And the list goes on.
So many blessing, yet I complain so much. I curse my blessings regularly. The two previous blogs are example. Though I am stressed (and I am VERY stressed now, more than then for sure), I am busy for a reason. God has given me so many capabilities and opportunities that my head spins.
It's exciting. And sometimes I forget it's not my small head that orders the day and orders my footsteps. That's where all these headaches come from (literally, a bottle of tylenol this week..), the thought that I am controlling all of this stress. When really, the God I claim to put all of my trust is the one who is guiding me. How much more relief does a person need?
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Nine to Five
I'm tired of my freaking jobs. All I ever do is work. I'm so tired all the time. I'm a full time student, and my two jobs add up to a full time job, so my life pretty much FULL TIME SUCKS. I'm tired of being the mom to these kids who don't even like me. I'm tired of being someone's slave. Working, working, working with only disaproval at the end of the day. I'm constantly studying for tests and emailing in papers wondering when I'm going to see the benefits of wasting my life away. I hardly get to enjoy Kyle between my breaks from all this mess and his breaks from work. We're both pretty depressed. I really want to go work for Kyle's mom, but I don't think I'm going to get the job. I waited to late this week probably, and I think someone else is going to get it. I was really looking forward to it, but I guess I'll see what God has in store. I'm just exhausted and I'm ready to let something go rather than picking up ANOTHER job. I hate to constantly complain, but I just want a second to relax. Kyle's mom said something important today, "It's just a season." I just hope it's a short season.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Auto -Pilot
I get scared sometimes, being at the ClaySpot all by myself. I make up noises in the next room. I make up all these situations that might happen--thieves, weirdos, homeless guys. I get sad that I worry so much. Last night I just broke down and cried. I've been so stressed out. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I don' t have the time. I can't paint or even watch the T.V. Kyle is here, but I don't get to be here with him. My mind is always somewhere else, with some other obligation. I'm so tired of being tired. I'm tired of spending my life at the gym and not feeling any different. I'm tired of having so much to complain about. I want to be a baby again and sit in my play pin.
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