give thanks.

the transition is finally here. brittany and logan are the first to leave tomorrow. summer is ending, and so are the internships. this summer has taught me a lot about letting go. letting go of people, especially. i was so apprehensive at the beginning of the summer to build friendships with these new faces at church, because i knew i'd love them and that they'd leave at the end of the summer. i just didn't think i could handle that given the losses i'd endured in relationships earlier in the summer. i was wrong though. i decided to suck up my fatalistic ways, and i made some really awesome new friends. i feel so blessed to have made such wonderful friends over this summer, and i can honestly say that this has been one of the greatest seasons of my life.

there are worse things in life than losing people. i may never see some of my friends again, but i think a larger tragedy would have been to never know them at all. learning their testimonies and growing from their company has made me a better person. my life is more full having known them. being fearless in building relationships is something i'm no good at. i'm selfish, and i like to keep what i gain. i don't like to watch it go. i don't like to be out of control. unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. my heart will have to break. i have to let things go when it's time. i had to let my kids in maryland go at the end of the week. i feel like God is training me for the heartbreak of mission work. traveling and serving people ultimately means building a touching connection with others that i'm not able to keep. i never thought i was made for that kind of thing, and it's still something i feel ultimately unprepared for. it's not within me to do such things, but i know that by God's hand, i'm able and willing.

it's times like these when i know my experiences are no mistake. life feels like a movie, because it's all linear. my life is so blessed. i don't deserve it. i'm such a failure, and i'm in awe that God could love me so much. He gave His life for me, and He gives me a gloriously full life daily. i'm grateful for a season in which i've seen so much fruit and so much joy. it's so refreshing after a long season of confusion and emptiness. the friends i've made are going to do wonderful things in their lives. i will see them again. we've spent a wonderful summer serving the Lord and others together, and i'll never forget it. one day, we'll all be in eternity together. though i can't quite wrap my brain around that, i find that simply spectacular.

i'm looking forward with an open mind. i have no idea about the future, really. what i'm doing now is more than i could have ever dreamed. i've applied for seminary, and i've talked to my parents. it looks like i'll really be going. i'm serving with youth again and helping with relevate a ton, and i get excited just thinking about what God is doing in both of those ministries. i don't deserve to be a part of such amazing things, and yet i have such an awesome privilege. i might have a cool, new job working for the city doing theatre stuff. i feel so provided for, and i don't have many worries at all. i know even if my house blows up tomorrow and everyone started to hate me that the Lord would make a way out of all of it, because he's redeemed my life from many tangled messes. i'm so glad He decided to use my mess of a life the way He has. i'm so very thankful today.

Maryland

i still haven't had time to process the trip i just took with relevate to the maryland area, but i already have the strongest urge to write about it. i come back home feeling equal parts rotten and hopeful. i feel so spoiled, selfish & ungrateful. seeing such underprivileged kids light up and run to us with open arms each morning, just begging to be loved on and played with, made me feel so unnecessarily complex and wrapped up in the trivialities of my life. it's easy to pat myself on the back for the good in which i involve myself. yea, i go play with local kids at gillespie park every once in a while. i'll work at the food back, habitat & the humane society when i find time or when i feel guilty.

i give my time to ministries i'm passionate about, but i want my heart to beat more strongly for these things. i want to live and breathe this kind of mission work. everything we did this week was so relevant. we met these kids where they were, and once we built trust, we were able to present the gospel in a way they understood. i was humbled by such an opportunity. we met kids in baltimore that we didn't get to directly share the gospel with, but just being able to serve them blessed my heart. i can't explain the joy i felt standing in the street of the hot block and holding onto some kid's bike while he bounced in an inflatable jump house. tying some baby boy's shoes and watching kids smile when they received a balloon--things that are so trivial, things that we might not "have time for" in our everyday lives--these things touched my heart this week. i enjoyed partake in even a small moment of ease and happiness for these kids, because they may not have a whole lot of that in their daily lives.

and to see the students in our youth group giving like they did in their own individual ways simply floored me. none of us really knew what this week would turn into. we knew we'd do some songs, some skits and some crafts--but the rest was really up in the air. how would the kids receive us? what would the atmosphere be like? our students went in fearlessly and without question. they built relationships without giving a thought about the ugly possibilities. the unity and the willingness i saw in our students this week inspired me and filled me with joy. each of our students has different abilities and gifts, and they used those individual strengths to make this week successful for God's glory.

i went into last week with a lot of personal battles. i was angry and stressed over the pettiest of things that just weren't going my way. i was finishing school, and there just wasn't time enough to get all of my tasks done before i left. i was worrying myself to death over what i would do upon returning from the trip. what jobs will i apply for? will i continue applying for graduate school? what are my next steps? some people might think that going to the beach for a week to relax would cure that kind of problem, but i found that serving others last week changed my heart a lot more thoroughly than any relaxation might have helped me through. i didn't gain a lot of answers to these worries in my life. in fact, i think i came back with more questions than i left with. again, these are things i'm still processing. i wish i could explain the depth of things going on in my heart and mind.

the focus of my summer has been finding "direction." is theatre just my passion, or is that my calling? should i continue working with marketing even though i dislike it? should i go back to school? should i become a teacher? is my calling to work in missions or youth? i've been trying to map my way through a network of complicated highways, when really the only direction i need to be worried about is heading toward God. when i was teaching those kids the simple priniciples in our curriculum this week, i was convicted about how much i was narrowing my possibilities. i was becoming so legalistic and rule-driven that i think i might have been hindering God working in my own life. i'm just so thrilled that God can work through me even when i'm being stubborn and human in letting him work in me. i look forward to what God reveals next to me and the works He is going to do in and through me. i feel thoroughly blessed through what He's already done, and i look forward to sharing more in the future.

i'm leaving tomorrow. my lines still aren't memorized, but most everything is done as far as the trip is concerned. i'm just finishing up some homework today, packing and memorizing the lines i have left. it's been a ridiculously busy week, and i think that might be why i spent a good portion of it in retrospect to escape reality. i know i'm going to be sad when i get back. a lot of my new good friends are leaving to go back home from the internships they were working on here, but i'm glad i got a chance to get to know them. it's been a good summer, no matter what the circumstances have been as far as the feelings i've gone through. i've got it good, and i know the future will work itself out.

home

i'm feeling ultra-conscious tonight. does that make any sense? i think i'm so past exhaustion that i'm in a completely backwards reality. i kept feeling like i was dying on the way home, like all of my senses were more alert than normal. i'm neurotic and paranoid from all the tired, i suppose. i'm really glad i've been so involved in organizing everything for this relevate trip, but i'm very overwhelmed. i still have over half of my lines to memorize tomorrow. we're leaving sunday to perform. i can't believe it. it sure doesn't feel like a summer has passed. there hasn't been a second that i've been unbusy, yet i simultaneously feel like i've been on vacation from my life. this doesn't feel like my life. i'm ready to go back to my life. i don't guess things work that way though.

i'm so broken hearted today. everything feels heavy. i'm doing so much "good," according to everyone around me, and it does bring me a significant amount of joy. however, i feel so lost. i feel like all of my dreams and desires are a mess. instead of gaining more direction, i feel like i'm gathering a ton of confusion. i'm so tired of caring about all the things that don't care about me. i don't want to give up. i wish i could be numb to the way i feel right now, because it's agonizing. it's two o'clock in the morning, and i can't sleep. my stomach is in knots. i keep picking up my phone to find something stupid to say, but then i remind myself that there's no one who really wants to hear me. why have all of these feelings been so everpresent for me? i get to be an afterthought or maybe even a memory to other more enticing realities, but you're still with me everywhere. it's inconsiderate of you, really, to haunt me so. maybe it would be easier to get angry, so at least i could have some motivation to move in some direction. i've clearly been driven crazy by jealousy and neglect, moreso than i would even admit to myself.

i have too much stuff. i feel like giving a lot of it away, like the obnoxious computer i barely use. why did i want it so badly? or maybe the camera i never learned how to work. or maybe the gazillions of clothes i use to mask my self-loathing. or maybe the x-box i waste my time playing. grits shed her whole top coat last week. i don't know if that's supposed to happen, but it didn't hurt her. she enjoyed losing it, because it made her feel better in the weather. i'm as simple as a cat, but human excuses give us the "right" to be more complex in our decisions, i suppose. i'm still neurotic about backing out of the driveway because of owen. i wonder if i will ever be the same. one more week of undergrad until i'm done forever. i plan on reading a lot of books and trying to fight off the large depression that i know is coming. i hate to be that pessimistic, and i'm not trying to wish misfortune on myself. i've just been running now since may. i haven't done a whole lot of stopping, and everything is about to come to a hault once this week ends. no school, no activities. just the minimum. just the desk at work that makes me sad. it reminds me of running over owen, getting dumped, worrying & mulling, being dissatisfied with the career path i've chosen because i'm unhappy there. just the quiet room with a few smudged fingerprints on the wall, and if i try really hard to work my imagination, i can feel you here. i'm effing sad. pathetic. i want to lose all the hope i have. maybe that's what i'll work on when i get home. rather than saying, i'll try again when i get home, i shouldn't shame myself so brutally and just try harder to forget. i really wish i wanted to. this was definitely the wrong time to blog. i'll just blame it on a bad case of the lonelies, i suppose. understatement of the century.

if my stomach would cooperate, i would sleep. have you ever heard the song "home" by michael buble? it's my theme right now. i haven't ever been super into him, but i adore that song. it expresses many of my current feelings. you know, i never looked good in red lipstick. the hills are over, too. it kinda blew my mind. i can tell i'm uber sentimental, because i ever felt anguish over losing that six-year constant in my life. i want to be a cartoon one day. i'm dozing off. goodnight.

like glue

it's beyond me. we all live on this earth to build relationships with others and communicate the stuff of value to one another. i would say that, besides loving, my living purpose is to share. i don't mean simply the overshare that comes from endless talking, but the sharing that imprints a connection between me and those that i meet and live life around. there is such a disconnect in this technological age. relationships are less personal, more selfish and not at all functional.

this is the third time this year i've been confused to find out that someone i know and have no known issues with has deleted me as a facebook friend. it's creepy almost to find out that a distant acquaintance has the energy to remove me from their news feed because of some unknown offense. more than creepy, it's comical. however, after a good laugh, it's really quite sad. to know that energy has been spent disliking me when i haven't even so much as thought of that person makes me feel like i've failed. i handle my daily relationships with care, because i value them. i value people. i value them enough to approach them with a wrong or a hurt.

i hate social media for making friendship so lazy. i hate it for creating the opportunity to be cowardly in working out relational issues. see, because in reality, if you had a problem with me, you couldn't make ambiguously snarky comments on my status updates or write something vaguely rude referencing my actions on our mutual friend's wall. of course, i'm hypothetically speaking. why do such people get pleasure out being publically rude? why can't they just be quietly kind and supportive of their friend, rather than wasting time dragging me through the mud? the tragedy is that, although it stings to be the victim of such immaturity, i am not the one who remains embarrassed. i'm grateful to have a support system of people who build me up and appreciate not only me, but the person i lost. i guess that's why i'm shocked and giggling that i've been so ridiculously dissed by justin's friends, because none of my friends hold a negative opinion of him. they don't hold negative opinions of his friends either, because i certainly don't. i've always been grateful for the happiness they've created for him, even though i never was able to make a connection with them myself. i guess i was expecting the same respect. then again, i am writing a blog about these people, but i don't even know how to approach a person i barely know about an issue of which i am unaware. what an ironic paradox that is.

when i speak of justin, it's never negatively. at camp, all the girls were talking about all the cheesy romantic things their high school boyfriends had done, and i got to share justin as an illustration of creative and thoughtful romance, because he always went out of his way to sweep me off of my feet in the most innovative ways. the girls were amazed at all the stuff i described, and i told them how truly lucky i still feel today. maybe it's strange that i don't hate him. maybe i should have built an army of friends who attack his every mistake or flaw on the forum of my facebook wall, but i just don't have the energy to do that. i don't have the desire. i can honestly say that i appreciate justin more today than i did when i was in the height of our relationship. hindsight has brought a lot of understanding about the things i lack in satisfying my partner. i still have a long way to go, but that doesn't change the fact that i

not that i have done a lot of holding back, but i deleted the sentences i began writing here. i'm so eager to say some things that really can only be worked out spiritually.

member

i had one of those dreams last night that was just shy of reality. dreams. i love them. is it strange to want to live inside my brain? probably. i think of all the possibilities. during lucid dreams--those dreams in which the dreamer is conscious enough to make decisions within the context of the dream--i feel as if i could stay. last night's dream flowed in and out of a lucid state. in dreams, i could meet God, or at least my mind's version of Him. i could have you, without any of your objections or any of the consequences of time's cruelty. i could fly. i could jump off of a cliff, and land without dying. or maybe i would die, because i've never slept long enough to endure the landing of such a fall. i'm always startled awake. i could avoid all of the things in this reality that pull at me. i wouldn't have to please everyone or worry about stepping on toes. no responsibilities or trivial tasks.

the dream was depressing and not because it was wonderful. it sucked. you were there. i was there. you ignored me. i tried to persuade you not to ignore me. it made me feel crappy in the dream. i woke up feeling crappy in reality. i'm fascinated how dreams can warrant this in reality. i had been pondering the issue yesterday, but the dream made it much more real today. it brought me back to a familiar state of denial about the disconnect i feel between what i want and what i am. i'm tired of cycling through this. not only does kubler-ross occur over the long-term, i feel as if i go through all five of the stages everyday. i'm so exhausted.

i'm so much more fascinated by dreams lately, because i feel like i'm living in one. not a warm or a cold dream, really, but a neutral dream. i'll try to explain what i mean. something i know without doubt: i've left a vital piece of my reality behind me. something that will ultimately come back into my reality again to remain. maybe you think that's presumptuous of me, but i know. and i won't be convinced of anything less until i hear it from the One who orginally convinced me. this ever-present disconnect i've been experienicing has treated me nicely, and i've grown. i have gained understanding. i've gained some cconfusion, too. it's hard not to want to control and push things forward. i struggle. i struggled today and lost. i've lost a lot lately, but i'm working on dilligence. this journey could be long, much longer than even i imagined. i imagine one day it won't feel like a dream anymore. or maybe i'm all wrong. maybe i projected too much of myself into divine planning, but that is denial, too. there's not a lot of comfort in remaining where i am right now. this situation burdens me daily, and i'm praying it won't completely consume the rest of me. it's such a struggle to let it go.

wow, the past week and a half has been a total blur. i'm back at work today. i've been back from camp for four days, and i still feel exhausted. i don't know what's wrong with me. i was only there four full days, so shouldn't i feel recovered? i'm feeling completely out of touch with reality these days. not to say that i'm completely dellusional, but my life has very dramatically changed in the past few months. and it continues to change everyday. i'm not sure if what i'm craving right now is realism or familiarity, but i nearly invited you to lunch today just so i might feel a little more grounded again.

camp was great. david platt is unexplainably intelligent. if i could have a little david platt in my head at all times making things so eloquently clear, i feel like i'd be a much better version of myself. i really enjoyed charlie hall, too. i wish i had gotten to bond with the kids more. i'm serious when i say it felt like one crazy long day. it was over in an instant, and i wondered where the week had gone. it felt so different compared to camps i had been to in the past. i also began sponsoring a child through compassion international. his name is rewat, he's four and he's from thailand. it's such an incredible responsibility, which is why i've avoided doing it for so long. but i feel like if i'm really going to be making a difference in the world, i need to begin with my immediate finances.

i've got a lot working inside of me right now. God's doing something, but i don't know what it is.