to the moon?

you never had to impress me, because your very being was impressive.
is.
my kindred spirit, (tirips dredink ym)
curses, creases--i want my cats to roll in the grass on easter. and laugh. and wrestle. and watch us. and purrr. and curl. and stay. and squint for the sun. and stay. and hold tight. and stay. and stay.
warm my shoulders and relieve my pain.
yromem/(s...)/thank you.
i've never been able to say in all of my life that i miss cold feet until recently.
it's all in loving so furiously.

heart-shaped box

i just watched a behind the music documentary on courtney love, but the really touching segments were about kurt cobain. i was completely blown away with his perceptions that i started researching him online while i watched courtney spiral into a mess by the end of it all. i've loved kurt cobain since i started becoming interested in music. i can't tell you who first introduced me, but "nevermind" was the first album i ever recognized on store shelves because of its unusual album art. next to that would be "enema of the state" by blink-182. i always loved perusing the CD aisles as a kid.

anyway, something always touched me about kurt cobain. something always touched me about dead artists, really. jeff buckley and mama cass. i guess i'm a morbid person of sorts. death has always fascinated me. i have a mild obsession with ted bundy. i would read books on him and watch all the documentaries that featured him. that spurned a rather wild interest in serial killers that i still have. i'm so interested in their psychology and their persona. crime shows were my thing for a while, and they probably still would be if i weren't so busy.

rabbit hole. i don't really know what i'm writing about. i saw the courtney thing like two hours ago, and i can't stop thinking about it. he was just so open and honest. he was so grieved over the empathy he shared with people, and i find that shockingly relatable. i guess it shook me a little. i get so wrapped up in my emotions all the time. it's a nervous sort of depth that just makes you want to be shallow like everyone else seems to find so easy. it's fun to feign being consumed with all of this triviality as if i'm not constantly analyzing and feeling through every nuance.

i've met three people in the course of this life that have truly known and understood the core of my intellect. none of those people are active in my life anymore. i'm not saying i have some untouchably deep intellect. i'm just saying that not many people like to expose themselves in such a vulnerable way. getting deeply intellectual is intimidating for some people, but it feeds me in this unparalleled manner. i hope there are people in my future who can meet me in that place. i guess listening to kurt cobain's unbelievable views just pour out to any and everyone made me feel jealous i hadn't known him. i'd have felt so privileged to even converse with him once about some of the things he said.

it seems like even in the time that has passed in the ten some-odd years it's been since he died that the overhaul of communication between people has taken away so much of the depth with which they interact. critical thinking has become a novelty, because of all the working technology does for us. there's so much apathy and such a lack of care in which we handle relationships. it's pretty depressing, really. and i'm such a product of technology. it really disgusts me. i want to escape, but it's so much a part of my thinking and my interactions that i don't know how to stop. how can i become more personal again? how can i achieve the depth i want to have intellectually in such a trivial world? i wonder how many people feel the same way i do. i wonder how many people notice.

i learned to ride a bike today.

i'm nearly 22, and i just learned how to ride a bike. i'm still not very good, but this was a defining moment for me. many people have tried to teach me over the years, and it never ends well. i just give up, because i get too scared. ryan, stephanie and the whole bible study crew came to cheer me on as i finally rode all by myself tonight. it was epic.

it kind of gives me hope about all the choices i'm facing in the coming months in some odd way. i've never missed riding a bike, really. i even thought it was different and cute that i didn't know how, but it's cool now because i have a new skill i can sharpen. i have a new way to travel. i'm no longer bound by my inability and inexperience in that area. i overcame the fear.

i'm bound by fear when it comes to the idea of moving or not having a plan of action for my career when i graduate, but i think i can overcome that now that i've watched it play out in a more trivial instance of my life. letting these fears go and just persevering through the unknown is a little more attainable now that i found courage in a smaller victory. i think it's neat.

tomorrow, i'm off of work, and i plan to stay home and relax all day. i have so much reading, studying and homework to do that it'll be good to spread it out throughout tomorrow and knock it all out. camp is on monday, and i am very excited to hear david platt and see what God's going to do in our lives. it'll be at the beach, too, so we're hoping to help with the oil spill clean-up however we can. i still feel a little crazy sometimes being old enough to be a leader. these past four years of college have flown by, and i am about to earn the title of a legit adult. totally weird. i have no idea what's next, but i know it will be good. this summer has been spectacular so far. i don't think much could make it better. i've met great new friends, and i'm being so blessed by helping out in ministry at my church. it's unreal how much i've learned about my faith in these past few weeks, and i'm just so excited to be able to glorify God in everything i do.

my eyes are rolling back, so i think it's time to go to sleep. hopefully, i will have something to update before camp.

through the fire

i spent most of yesterday at home searching out my feelings. i felt really nervous and overwhelmed, but i couldn't figure out why. i posted some of my feelings on facebook. some of them i spent an hour or so writing down in my journal in the early morning before i went to sleep last night. a lot of it was sadness about the holes in my life due to changes in relationships.

and then God's comfort is so on point. tonight in choir, i felt like the Holy Spirit was so near. i felt this sensational peace that i haven't experienced in a long time. it was really refreshing and invigorating. it made me want to draw even closer to Him and lean on Him more. nothing specific caused this nearness. mark just played a song, and i became overwhelmed. then, jamie played a nooma video for the youth that i had watched a few years ago during my internship at providence.

i remember the people i had to forgive the last time i watched it. i remember how hard it was to forgive them and how much i still struggle with bitterness today when i get in a rut in life. while i was praying, i tried to contemplate who i needed to forgive. i'm a pretty forgiving person. i hate bitterness, but i know there is always something i can forgive somewhere that i've left marginally unresolved. the obvious choice was justin. he hurt me, but i honestly don't harbor bad feelings toward him. i do want him to succeed. i wish him the best. he was one of my close friends for over four years, and he helped changed my life from our youth ministry internship together to the day we broke up. jealousy comes, and i do miss our friendship quite a bit. so i get sad, but i'm not bitter. however, the last thing i said to him was mean, so the message gave me the courage to and humility to send him a message apologizing and asking for forgiveness.

ultimately, i decided i needed to forgive myself. it's always a struggle for me. i feel so inadequate because of the ridiculous decisions i made so long ago. i can't shake all of those things being a part of who i am. do i really know i'm not those things? i joke about my past so flippantly, but there really is a lot of hurt there. it's shameful. it's hard to even want to share to help others experiencing similar things. it's hard to find the balance between empathy for the sake of helping others and reliving my past for no good reason. forgiving yourself is the hardest. i really wronged myself and God willingly for years. i disobeyed my parents. i knew the truth, and i claimed the truth. i made a mockery of my faith for so long. it makes me feel unworthy and unprepared a lot of the time. i've healed over most things, but the insecurities still come when memories arise or get reminded of things. it's good to realize these things and let them come to the surface, so that i can consciously work on forgiving myself for things far gone. i'm grateful for who i am today, and i am humbled that God brought me so far out of all the mess i allowed into my life. if he can forgive me, i can definitely forgive myself.

i want to know how people perceive me.

"Me, I'm a fool spent from defiance..."

i found an old CD today with my all-time favorite song on it. "Blinded" by Third Eye Blind. i don't really know what it is about the composition of the song, but whenever i hear it, i get this rush. it's something about the way the music is written that makes me feel crazy. and then the words. there's a weird sexual reference in the beginning, i'm aware. but it speaks so plainly about the nature of relationships. he references the sun a lot, and he references icarus, a character in greek mythology. the story goes that icarus was escaping from exile by way of these wings made out of wax and feathers. icarus' dad made the wings, and he warned icarus not to fly too close to the sun or the sea. however, icarus got so giddy and excited from the thrill of flying and he soared through the skies. in the process, he got too close to the sun, the feathers melted, and he fell to his death in the sea.

the sun is a curious thing. it's light, or lack there of, affects our mood. referencing the object of his love as the sun was genius. he's icarus, and he got burned. when he sees her, he's blinded, which has both positive and negative connotations. anyway, i love the song. i always had. some verse always strikes me, no matter where i am in my life. my friend forest played the song for me the summer before my senior year in high school. i thought it perfectly described the shallow relationship i was pursuing. ever since then, the song has never gotten old. most songs get overplayed and irritating. but everytime i hear "blinded," i can relate to it. every relationship i've ever had is comparable to the way he feels in the song. when i like someone, i feel blinded in the best of ways. when i'm falling out of love, i feel blinded. right now, i'm falling out of love. emotions are interesting to monitor. i've been watching myself grieve this one out, and it's been fascinating.



i'm in a state of denial today. it's been quite some time since things ended. i'm happy with where my life is going, but sometimes it hits me. last night, i was working on homework, and i realized i needed something out of a box up in my closet. i was in a chair struggling to get it down, and i started to call for justin to help me. it's odd how time can make a person seem so distant, but my brain can make them feel as familiar as today. this morning, my brain has enjoyed pretending that things are the same as they were over a month ago. it kind of erased all of the mess between then and now, and i felt like i'd be hearing from him around lunch when he woke up. we'd piddle around all afternoon here and there around town when i got off of work. we'd muse over ideas and dreams and shallow things. he'd take us out for dinner, and we'd go to my house and watch tv and laugh together. i'd fall asleep for a little while in his arms, and i'd wake up late to walk him to the door reminding him not to run over the cats.

i thought about all of this as i listened to my song. it felt like a mixture of misery and excitement. all of this is just so weird. it's hard having been such good friends for years, then dating, then creating this wall keeping us from contacting each other. when you think nothing but death will separate you from someone, you're bound to have days like today. it's all for the best, i know. i've found a lot of understanding lately, but it doesn't stop me from missing my best friend. it's been hard fighting the urge to look for replacement friends and relationships, but i've succeeded thus far in remaining balanced. i am healing, and i know today is a part of that. even though i'm as sad as i've ever been today, i'm grateful to experience anything that will make me the person God wants me to be.

electioneering

it's a little funny how much people enjoy talking about themselves. i like when i'm trying to converse with someone via text, and they don't perk up in the conversation until i coddle their ego. i probably come across the same way. it makes me want to care for others more.

in other news, thom yorke just isn't quite as good without the rest of radiohead. i like the eraser, but it just isn't as magical for me as his work with the band. i haven't listened to his colaborative band yet either, so that's next on the agenda.

andddd beck just came on pandora. it's a great day when you've "liked" every song on the station thus far. ;)

i like smells.

i'm not talking foot odor. i mean that overwhelming reminiscence that comes when you encounter the smell of something familiar. my jacket smells like old sunscreen and vanilla today. it made me smile. my mind flashed to relaxing by the pool and playing cards with new friends this weekend. simultaneously, i was filled with a sense of urgency, because i was feeling a memory i couldn't pull out of my brain archives. do you ever get that feeling? it was like an overload. maybe it was too many memories at once. maybe it's something too repressed and broken. all the same, it fascinates me.

my brain loves polo blue cologne. when i was a sophomore in high school, i smelled it on a boy, and i was never the same. it makes my heart start to race from a mile away still today. when i walk into belk, i try to keep the store scent in my nose before it gets too familiar that i don't notice it. i wish i could bottle that smell, because it's enchanted me since i was a child. there's a strawberry air freshener that my ex-boyfriend's mom used at her house and her office, and everytime i smell something similar i think of all the wonderful laughter we shared together in those places.

the sterile smell of a hospital makes me so nervous i could vomit. it takes me back to feeling so out of control and superstitious. i wasn't there for my grandfather's whirlwind last days in the hospital. his leg got infected with necrotizing fasciitis one weekend, and i stood in the room while he died the next weekend after they'd amputated a quarter of his body. when the boys' accident happened in 2008, i thought if i stayed at the hospital, trea would be OK. trea is great, but i know now that my guilty superstitions were sick. almost as sick as the smell of hospitals. catwalk oatmeal and honey shampoo reminds me of how much i wanted to be like my best friend sara in high school. she was so different. anti-everything, and she made the trends that everyone started trending. open-minded and intelligent, but not cynical. i loved her, and so much of me is still reminiscent of the things she taught me.

i could go on. but as we all know, this blogging thing is self-indulgent. it's really just a place for me to hope someone might care, as much as i say i don't care if you care. i happened upon smells, because i liked my day yesterday. when i'm alone in this office, it gets easy to dwell on the things i've lost. i was going to blog on that miserable subject, but then i leaned over and smelled the wrist of my jacket and remembered God's promise to me. that last sentence may sound odd. maybe this whole blog does.

what i mean to say is that i feel wronged. someone lied to me, as i previously posted. someone i loved with. someone i trusted. someone i admired very much. to be lied to once means it's hard for me to trust anything he ever said or did. it creates confusion over years' worth of time spent building a relationship. i bring this up to say that these feelings of anger, guilt, regret, misery & relief are no one's fault but my own. i put my faith in someone other than God. i let my faith be determined on my surroundings and not the One who i should have trusted with my everything. i said i knew that people would always fail me, but i didn't live that way. i believed one person was incapable of such hurt, and putting that kind of faith and glory into one man was wrong. praise the Lord i'm learning to be a better me for Him.

so i smelled my jacket, and i realized that i have so many new and wonderful people in my life. interesting and unexpected opportunities are popping up, and i'm just trying not to distract myself too much from healing properly. this world is huge, and i'm going to smell and enjoy every inch that i can.

i wrote a long blog here, but you don't need to know how i feel.

liar

i feel so sick. i found out someone i care about deceived me. i'm praying for wisdom. there are worse things in the world, after all.

and today comes with a completely different set of feelings.

i wish i could comprehend the workings of the human brain. why do i suddenly feel grieved by some random occurrence from years ago? why am i completely joyful one day and inhibited with regret the next? it's odd. living is such a strange phenomenon. i wonder why i'm attracted to certain people. what made me choose my friends? why do i get a rush of adrenaline when i look at a certain boy? why am i intimidated by some people to the point of stuttering? why are certain people and places taboo for me? i feel like i created all of these unneccessary stigmas for myself because it is a common theme in the lives of others.

i feel like recent history has caught up with me again today. maybe because i have been spending a ton of time alone. it's a good thing though. like i previously posted, i'm really good at escapism. this time, i'm trying to deal with things head on. i want to rectify my hurt so i'm not bound by it later on. i'm in such a different place than the last time this happened to me, but in many ways it feels the same. no matter how old i am, most of the issues i face still bring about similar feelings.

i've been journaling a lot lately, and it's been doing me a world of good. it's so weird how writing down even the most shallow thoughts brings so much understanding to a situation. i'm grateful i've had a few good weeks. it's easy to get down about things, and i tend to get overwhelmed with the gravity of all the hurt in the world. it's really nice to experience i time of positivity and joy. i know there are sticky times ahead though. there always is. not that i'm trying to be pessimistic at all. it's just a fact. happiness is a commodity because it isn't a constant for anyone.

in this next season, i'm really trying to learn to maintain the joy of the Lord. it's a really hard principle for me, but i'm looking forward to the challenge.

#glee

i can't believe season one is over! i want to cry!

i love glee so much. i think it's because the dialogue is so corny & the plot is so predictable.

it's a great escape from how serious everyday life gets. it helps me make fun of myself a little bit.

life has been really great lately. a lot of things are changing, but i feel like a better person everyday. my summer has been a little busy, but not too busy. i haven't taken anything crazy on, and i've spent a lot of time relaxing alone. i'm enjoying this time being an individual, and i am learning a lot about God & ministry. it's a really joyful season for me. i feel like i'm on the verge of all these new and exciting possibilities in life.

summer semester has started. it's going to be over soon, and i just got my graduation letter in the mail letting me know that i was on track to graduate when i finish these classes. i don't even know what to think about that. i feel so free. i have nothing but money holding me back from going anywhere i want to go and being anyone i want to be.

i'm extrememly grateful for all the people God has placed in my life recently. i feel so blessed. things feel so right lately, so much so that it's strange. i can't help but smile. i have a quiz to take, but i wanted to update really quickly about glee and a little life.

pee es, jonathan groff is so hott. i love his voice. i need him to sing to me in person. ewan mcgregor, too. someday, he will sing "your song" in the style of moulin rouge to me and i will melt away into a puddle of swoon.