heart-shaped box

i just watched a behind the music documentary on courtney love, but the really touching segments were about kurt cobain. i was completely blown away with his perceptions that i started researching him online while i watched courtney spiral into a mess by the end of it all. i've loved kurt cobain since i started becoming interested in music. i can't tell you who first introduced me, but "nevermind" was the first album i ever recognized on store shelves because of its unusual album art. next to that would be "enema of the state" by blink-182. i always loved perusing the CD aisles as a kid.

anyway, something always touched me about kurt cobain. something always touched me about dead artists, really. jeff buckley and mama cass. i guess i'm a morbid person of sorts. death has always fascinated me. i have a mild obsession with ted bundy. i would read books on him and watch all the documentaries that featured him. that spurned a rather wild interest in serial killers that i still have. i'm so interested in their psychology and their persona. crime shows were my thing for a while, and they probably still would be if i weren't so busy.

rabbit hole. i don't really know what i'm writing about. i saw the courtney thing like two hours ago, and i can't stop thinking about it. he was just so open and honest. he was so grieved over the empathy he shared with people, and i find that shockingly relatable. i guess it shook me a little. i get so wrapped up in my emotions all the time. it's a nervous sort of depth that just makes you want to be shallow like everyone else seems to find so easy. it's fun to feign being consumed with all of this triviality as if i'm not constantly analyzing and feeling through every nuance.

i've met three people in the course of this life that have truly known and understood the core of my intellect. none of those people are active in my life anymore. i'm not saying i have some untouchably deep intellect. i'm just saying that not many people like to expose themselves in such a vulnerable way. getting deeply intellectual is intimidating for some people, but it feeds me in this unparalleled manner. i hope there are people in my future who can meet me in that place. i guess listening to kurt cobain's unbelievable views just pour out to any and everyone made me feel jealous i hadn't known him. i'd have felt so privileged to even converse with him once about some of the things he said.

it seems like even in the time that has passed in the ten some-odd years it's been since he died that the overhaul of communication between people has taken away so much of the depth with which they interact. critical thinking has become a novelty, because of all the working technology does for us. there's so much apathy and such a lack of care in which we handle relationships. it's pretty depressing, really. and i'm such a product of technology. it really disgusts me. i want to escape, but it's so much a part of my thinking and my interactions that i don't know how to stop. how can i become more personal again? how can i achieve the depth i want to have intellectually in such a trivial world? i wonder how many people feel the same way i do. i wonder how many people notice.