i'm copping out,
losing the battle.
i don't know why...i don't know why i feel so hopelessly stressed out. i'm not myself anymore. My free-spirited personality is missing the "free" and the "spirit." I feel so empty. Most people don't know, because I do a good job faking it.
I'm tired of faking it. I'm so exhausted, I can fall asleep on command. I'm so empty inside that I find no joy in doing anything anymore. Everything is a chore. I know everyone feels like running away, but I've never seriously felt it before.
I was talking to Mrs. Connie, Kyle's mom, and she really made me feel better.
I love Mrs. Connie. She's my boss sometimes, but the rest of the time she is my second mom. She gives really great advice and makes me feel normal even though I feel like I am completely and totally insane. I've told a few people how I feel.
I can't put my finger on the source of this funk I'm in, but it started when I was looking at some friends' pictures on facebook. these friends go to an exclusive theatre school, and I was looking at all the fun they were having. They seem so carefree of consequence. Basically, they do whatever they want and have no reason to feel bad. I hate to admit it, but there is no covering it up--I am envious.
It may be horrible to admit that I look curiously out of interest into a world of sin and worldly liberty, especially because of my position as an intern. I think that is why I feel so crummy inside, because I am supposed to be an example and I can't even get my mind focused on the Lord. I am tempted and envious of things that I have done.
I want to run away and live a life of selfish sin merely because I am stressed to the maximum point.
I'm confused.
I know it is because I am human, and I know Satan tempts me. It's just confusing and trying--and sometimes, pushing and fighting for my beliefs & being the unpopular thing to do gets to be too much for my sorry, small human mind--and all i want to do is quit and drink a margarita and do a number of other stupid things.
But there IS a difference between wanting to and actually doing it. I will not be the latter.
This too shall pass--what gam zeh ya'avor means--is what i live by, everything is fleeting. I still love life in all of it's craziness.
i know, i am utterly insane.
- erin whatley
- two-two-niine, Georgia, United States
- i never thought it would be hard to fit a nut into a nutshell, but here's a go at what i'm about. foremost, i know, love and follow the Lord. i'm a wild card. i enjoy being alone as much as i enjoy other people. i eat up anything art-related. i'm an only child. i have a BBA in Marketing & an AA in Fine Arts. i'm the marketing and PR gal for Stewbos group, a job i truly love. i do this part-time, and the rest of the time i'm a stay at home wife/mama to Justin and Vayda. i itch to travel and i delight at learning new things. you'll find i'm neurotic, intellectual, honest and somewhat naive. i'm open and compassionate, yet paradoxically hard on myself. my biggest fear is succumbing to cynicism, and my greatest joy is experiencing growth. my idol is willy wonka, because i never want to grow up. i sing and dance my way through the day. I believe the best ones are full of giggles. i think blogging is rather self-indulgent. writing about my thoughts feels selfish, yet i enjoy the exploration it brings. thanks for stopping by.
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