life updated

just in case you happen across this old blog 'o' mine, you can find me at erinish.com. i am married to justin and have a beautiful daughter, vayda. i work part time in marketing/public relations at a cool company called stewbos. most of the time i am a stay at home mom to my precious girl and kid-kitties. i still paint. thank goodness.

i lost my job today

it's embarrassing, but i'd rather you hear it from me than as a rumor from someone else. i'm obviously really upset about it. my boss gave me a raise last week and let me go this afternoon due to "lack of funds to pay me." i really loved my job, and i dedicated a lot of exhausting hours to helping the company gain more footing for a small stipend.

i am giving everything i've got to forgive the injustice i feel was done to me today. i learned many valuable things at the firm, and i shared many great experiences. i even made some wonderful connections with people of all kinds. i love my coworkers very much. working with my best friend was a dream of mine, and sharing my own office with casey for a month was a blast. meeting kristin was one of the best things to come from the job. i love her personality, we get along so wonderfully, and i know i've found a lasting friendship in her. miloy was very patient and shared a ton of her knowledge with me, and for that i am extremely grateful.

ultimately, it comes down to money. i'm a college graduate who has been working for a minimal stipend for over four months, and a beginning of the year increase was promised me at the start of my employment. i've been overworked and underpaid--taking work home and dealing with a full-time load, and i was starting to get weary, overwhelmed and frustrated. i said i couldn't go on any longer without a raise. to my excitement it was given to me, but i was let go today because of lack of funds. it was a shocking surprise, but i don't regret taking a stand for myself. i was constantly looking for ways to create value in the firm, and i know i displayed my worth. i'm very thankful for the entire experience, and i'm sad my time at lemonade is done. i know through prayer and persistence that the company is going to overcome its growing pains. it was a great place to work right out of school.

it stinks that the firm couldn't afford to keep me, but i know that there is something new on the horizon and i'm ready for it. great people lose their jobs everyday, and another one lost theirs today. i know i'm great at what i do, and i know i'm going to do great things. i'm looking forward to the next opportunity that the Lord brings me.

crazy, baby

i realize i haven't posted in a while. time is so redundant lately that it's been escaping me. work is good. it's taken a lot more adjusting than i thought it would to work full-time. i've had to be more deliberate about my activities, and it's been hard to be so careful about what i take on. my time management has improved a lot, but i still fall into times when don't make the most of the allotted time i have to do projects. i'm learning though. being punctual is still a problem. i'm getting more motivated, and i have made strides so i'm definitely not giving up.

ten pounds. ten pounds. i want ten pounds on my body to just disappear. i've been really healthy as far as work outs go, which is a great accomplishment. i'm just so lazy about eating. i enjoy food, and i hate having to sacrifice my carbs to see results on the scale. i'll do good for a while, and then i'll munch on everything in sight. it's got me on this dumb yo-yo thing.

i've decided to see a psychiatrist. there are no available appointments until march, but i'm going. i've put it off for a while, because i didn't want to admit that anxiety and depression were getting the better of me. i will have good spells when i form good thinking habits, but then i will get distracted and fall back into my old thought patterns. this cycle has really worn me down, and i want to try something new. i don't want to use medicine as a crutch, but i definitely have an issue. mental imbalance runs on both sides of my family with suicide and bipolar disorder present in my extended family.

it's something i don't want to be embarrassed or ashamed to talk about with other people. there's such a stigma about it in our society, and i hate that some sufferers get so lonely and hopeless that they take their own lives. i think it's important to be vocal about this issue if you feel comfortable talking about it, because it might give others courage to seek counseling. and in the very least, at least others can relate to me.

i don't think i'm (too) psychotic or anything. i don't hear voices. i just have a great deal of anxiety about many things. they seem like control issues, really. before a long road trip i have to walk around the car and shut every door and the trunk. none of my items can be on the floorboard of the car because of a story i misunderstood as a little girl when my mother told me that the floor of the car fell out beneath her feet one morning when my grandmother was driving her to school. i can remember as a little girl being neurotic about my mom driving with the windows down because my bow might fly out of my hair. that same feeling is the one i get when my belongings are on the floorboard or i can't go around and shut every door and the trunk on a road trip.

these are just the tip of my anxiety. i have obsessive thoughts about any issue that seems unsolvable. it can last for a half hour or a week, depending on when i feel released from the situation. i make myself and the people close to me mentally sick by exhaustively explaining my feelings on these randomly occurring thoughts--things that didn't matter yesterday or five minutes ago but now the future of the universe hinges on. anxiety stems from there, and then anger surfaces toward myself and/or others and depression sometimes follows. then i'll obsess about the obsessive thoughts, and it's just an ugly cycle.

i know everyone has issues, but these are mine. and i'm trying to be open even if it makes others uncomfortable. i want to be the best God made me to be not only for myself but for the people i affect. i have already hurt some people with my issues, and i want to rectify that by helping myself now. so that's where i am. i hope 2011 will see some positive change for me mentally.

one-eleven-eleven.

i'm a turd. that's really all there is to it. i've got a lot going for me, but i've been acting like i'm put upon like a selfish brat.

i've gotten so obsessed with this culturally defined idea of success. everyone knows my name. i've got money to spend. i have influence. those are the things i'm aching for, and i want them at a young age so that i can be some sort of hometown celebrity.
well, that's just stupid.

walking down the hall at my office just now, i felt a little blip of pride explode in my chest. i have a job. that's pretty cool. i got this job the second i graduated from college. i may not make the type of money i wish i were making yet, but i couldn't imagine having a cooler kind of job.

we made an exchange with the landlord of this building for some rent money, and now i get to share a rockin' creative suite with my best friend. not many people have the luxury of having their own space to create, move and work. it's something to be proud of.

i work under a really patient, flexible boss who is willing to teach me and strengthen my shortcomings. she's adventurous and wants to explore creative possibilities. dreaming up ideas excites me. sometimes i forget how exciting it is, because working is new to me and i get discouraged from not being able to accomplish everything all at once.

having the opportunity to grow under a marketing firm is turning out to be a cool experience. the job is everything i always described that i wanted but nothing like i expected i'd enjoy (it sounds weird to me too). i am getting the hang of prioritizing my tasks and accomplishing one thing at a time and taking steps to be efficient and effective.

i've been whining and shutting down because i've been so overwhelmed, and that's why i call myself a turd. God has given me a great opportunity, and i'm sulking before i've even worked hard enough to be discouraged. i'm proud of the work i'm turning out, and my focus is getting better every day.

my goal for the new year was to be better at managing my time and to be more punctual. when others are late it bothers me, yet i'm late all the time. it's not only disrespectful to others but its mainly disrespectful to me. if i start the day right, i get more done. i have a better attitude, and i'm more focused. procrastination was a bad habit of mine throughout my school years, but i'm learning that it's not fun to work at night in real life. even accomplishing things little-by-little throughout the day frees up more time for me to work on other projects, and having my "me" time when i get off of work has gotten even more valuable.

just some little tid bits on my big girl job stuff. more to come later.

in my room

playing video games with mom. it doesn't get much better than this. dad taught me some life lessons while we were out christmas shopping today, and i'm cleaning my computer while mom learns the ins and outs of a 360 controller.

life is good. really good. can i get an amen?

it's christmas time in the city...

ring-a-ling...:)
where did christmas come from?! this year has been a total whirlwind, i swear. i can't believe the holiday season is here again. life should slow down so i can catch a breath.

i don't really have much to say. everything is moving along at the same ol' pace.

i filmed a commercial recently for one of our clients, and it just started airing. i've been getting a lot of attention over it, and it makes me uneasy. i don't like feeling that i'm the butt of some jokes, but it's all in the name of being the best employee i can at LMF! and who knows, maybe compass cleaners really will point me in the right direction and give me my big break, haha! yea, right. but hey, a girl can dream!

after a month of sloth-like tendencies, i've decided to amp up my diet/exercise combo and give it all i've got during the holidays. i've been fluctuating around the same 3 pounds for a month or so, and i'm ready to just go all out and lose twelve-ish pounds to get to my long-term goal. fad diets generally fail me, but i talked this latest thing over with chipper--my weight loss guru--and we decided this seemed like it was worth a shot.

i'm substituting these protein-esque shakes for two of my meals each day, and they are UH-mazing. i ate one at 8:30 this morning, and now everyone's at lunch. i'm sitting at my desk...still full as a tick. i feel great, healthy, energetic--and i like it! i can definitely handle this for a month or so, and i'm feeling like i will see the results i'd like to see. i know i will always struggle with my image and my weight, but when i feel like i am in control, i'm a happier me.

i finally get my college diploma on saturday. i can't believe it's really here! DONE-ZO! after being done with classes for five months, i am eagerrrrrly awaiting this piece of paper. i'm also going to the festival of lights at callaway gardens with chipper this weekend after i graduate. he left roses on my car last night at the gym and a note asking me to go. sooooo romanticaaaaaal. *sigh* i'm a very happy girl, i am.

The Great Stumbling Block of the Creative Mind

by Donald Miller, link posted below the article. very inspiring:

"The great stumbling block of the creative mind is the awareness of self from the perspective of others. Self awareness isn’t the enemy, because we are in fact masterworks of God, but rather the overemphasis regarding what others think of us. When we think too much about the opinions of others, we are letting them edit a book God has written.

In his introduction to C.S. Lewis’ sermon The Weight of Glory, Walter Hooper says Lewis was not capable of writing a great work until he converted to Christianity, not because only Christians create great work (obviously) but because his conversion marked an inner change in which he ceased to take much interest in himself.

In an age in which we can project an image and score that image based on immediate Facebook and Twitter feedback, thus making a video game of life and a false-reality composed of lies, what gets lost is a joyful obsession with the work we create from the purest of motives, a sheer joy in the act of creation itself that causes us to lose ourselves in something else, and in a way die to ourselves over the absolute love of a thing we are breathing into life."

The Great Stumbling Block of the Creative Mind