when life gives you lemons...

i'm currently working on a guest blog piece for my friend jonathan, and i've learned it's much harder to write with aim than to just stare at a blank screen and start vomming out words. that's how i work this blog. i feel sorry for people who read it, because it's long paragraphs full of me and all me, all the time. i guess that's where i'll start...

my dad picks on me a lot because i give such detailed explanations of things. i include stupid, vivid details when recalling stories, and i've gotten really self-conscious about it lately. i hate being unaware of how selfish i come across to others. and then i hate being aware of it even more. and then i hate talking about being aware of being selfish, because that seems doubly selfish. what a paradox, huh?

lately, i've tried to be more aware in conversation how much i talk about myself or how much the questions i ask someone are related back to me. i truly care about others, and i enjoy listening and learning about their lives and offering helpful advice. but i can't just rely on those good deeds and pass off my selfish habits. i really want to share relationships with people and not just use them.

for example, casey perkins is my best friend. we have been together since 7th grade, and he knows and understands my tendencies better than most people in my life. i feel like i understand him pretty well, and we make a good pair because we're both very complex and dynamic people. casey understands that i'm completely spontaneous and i will loyally follow a whim at any cost. i'll lose myself in something and forget the people around me, and out of anyone, he's been hurt the most by what many of my friends call my "sketchiness." i'll have the best intentions, but i'll ditch friends and cancel plans to serve myself, and i'll justify it however i can without caring.

just because casey understands this and has endlessly forgiven it over the years doesn't mean that i want to selfishly continue this pattern. starting in 2009ish, i consciously started trying to be more consistent and reliable to the people in my life. i've gotten a lot better, but it's a hard habit to break. being aware of this selfishness and trying to change it hasn't been easy, but casey and friends like him have the care and decency enough to be honest with me about my bad behavior so that i can be better.

i had lunch with casey today, and i don't know what brought it on--but i was just really fascinated and overwhelmed at the progression of our friendship. it hasn't been a perfect ride, but he really means the world to me. he's been the one to stand by my side during two ultra crappy break ups, and he's been so consistently himself throughout my life, and he doesn't act a part to impress other people. even if we don't agree on every opinion, he's always casey--and that's impressive and inspiring. it's hard to be close with casey and not want to be confident in who i am as a person. having that kind of friend in my life makes me a really lucky person.

a lot of people don't understand casey or are intimidated when they meet him, and those people that write him off are really missing out. i can have a good time going out with him or enjoy musing over intellectual ideas with him, and no one gives me more of a forum to be myself. no one friend has earned the right to speak about my relationships like casey has either, because he's pretty much always hit the mark with his evaluations in my life--and no one friend has come over like he has to comfort me in the middle of the night by singing glee karaoke when i've been crappily dumped over the telephone. he listens endlessly about my life and my problems, and we've shared a million fun memories together. so, thank you, casey, for everything you are to me. i love you a ton.

i was musing over all of this today, and i began to wonder if i had truly been as great a friend to casey as he has been to me. probably not, in all honesty. but wondering that, it inspired me to think less of myself, think less about the people who come and go, and stop focusing on mindless drivel that i do day to day. i want to focus on being there and being good to the people who are there and good to me. like casey, lindsey, my parents, anna, shelby, etc. all of my closest friends are givers, and by nature, i am a taker. i want to take steps to be more of a giver in my friendships. i'm feeling very inspired by this, and i hope that one day i will lose a lot of these selfish qualities.

as far as this blog, it's documenting my journey in life, so i'll probably continue to talk about myself here. i mean, that's what it's here for, after all. i started an internship at lemonade marketing firm and i have a really wonderful feeling about it. i'm already taking pride in my work, and i think it's going to bring a lot of growth and learning in my field. it's not what i planned for my life at this point, but clearly it's what God wants--and i'm excited about it. a lot of things are falling into place and i am gaining focus and direction again.

i made the decision to renounce my position as an intern at sherwood. i'm not quitting my activities there, but i just can't give the time like kenny and shelby do. i don't want to make a mockery of what an intern does when i can't keep up with all the events and information. i love the youth, and i will still be serving in relevate and at youth events when possible. i've just been enduring a lot of mental and spiritual stress by trying to juggle everything in my life, and i haven't been able to really serve like i want to for a while. i hate the idea of failing or taking a step back from things, but i think the bigger failure would be to continue in all of these directions when i'm just not capable. it would be selfish to continue an internship simply for the prestige and value of the title when i just can't perform the duties. i'm trying to be wise and prayerful about my decisions, and that one was hard to make. i hope people will understand, but i know that God, my parents and i are all involved in it--so that's all that really matters. that's all i have for today!

tententen.

i missed church this morning. i hate missing church. the past few weeks have been up and down for me, and i think i hit bottom last night. i couldn't sleep, and i just stayed up and searched out what my problem was. i'm really confused and disappointed in myself. i got really unfocused on my relationship with the Lord, and i realized how much i really do lack in being a good person. what i mean is, i can't be good on my own. like, i need the Lord to work in me and through me to be any sort of good--because nothing about me naturally wants to be good.

i'm really a wreck right now. i've taken a few steps backward, and i've been in denial about it. i've allowed things into my mind and my thoughts, and therefore into my actions, that just isn't what i want in life. and it's definitely not what God wants for my life either. through all my hurt, i think i might have hurt people around me, and that disappoints me greatly. however, i'm moving forward and forgiving myself. i can't dwell in this place where i try to control everything and please everyone. i'm just focusing on the Lord and i'm going to take whatever He brings me. that's all really.

i know everyone makes bad choices sometimes. i know i'm human. but for some reason, when it comes to me, i have too much pride to accept that. why do i hold myself to a higher standard? it's so easy for me to show grace and mercy to others, but i have such a difficult time showing it to myself. if God has moved on from it, why don't i allow myself? it's pretty sinful, i guess. so, i've made a resolution to heal from this and stop trying so hard to perform. there are so many situations in my past that i just won't forgive myself for, and i'm devoting some time to sorting through those situations so i can be a better person.

i wrote an earlier blog about being the kind of person that i want my future partner to be--and one of those qualities was sincerity. i'm living under a lot of pretense right now. i'm trying to pretend i'm "up" when i am really, really "down." in all reality, i'm confused, and i've lost a lot of direction. i hate to disappoint everyone who believes in me, but that's truly where i am. i'm working through it, and i am trying to re-evaluate and reinvest my time into the right areas. it's going to take time for me to get through this, but it's something i'm really passionate about fixing. healing isn't fun.

it's much easier to distract myself and justify my human nature, but at the end of the day--my life isn't mine. there's something i'm here on this earth to accomplish, and being selfish just isn't getting that job done. i'm not a failure, and i've got to stop playing around and get to the place i need to be. quite frankly, i don't care who i lose in that endeavor, because they weren't a part of the plan if they have a problem with it. operating in fear is my specialty, and i think that's about to have to go, too.

i know it sounds like someone has died or i've murdered someone or something completely crazy, but it's not really all that surface level. i just stopped caring as much about the One Thing that matters, and i'm really grieved about it. i almost wish i had killed someone and it were that simple to get through--but it's not. there's a lot of depression and deep things going on in my mind and heart. i'm going to be fine, and i immediately feel joyful and hopeful now that i have repented of this situation i've put myself in. i'm promising myself to move slowly in the coming months through everything. more than anything, i want a clear mind and a pure heart as i move into a new year.

i want to be an encouragement to the people around me. i want to make a difference and pour into the people who love me. i want a full life. not full of fun and full of me all the time like i've let occur lately, but full of the joy and purpose that only God can bring. i want to show Christ and be known as someone who tried. i'll never be a perfect example, but i want to have tried my very best to display Him as well as i could. i want to be free of burdens so that i can do the things God directs me toward, and i just haven't been living in that freedom lately. i've been trapped in this weird, repetitive, ungratifying funk of serving only myself. and i was miserable. i'm so thankful for a God who can redeem me from my own weak mind and restore my joy and the meaning in my life. i just don't know how people operate who don't believe in Christ, because without Him my life is a complete void.

stubborn

i tallied the number of times a woman clicked her pen in church this week. it was over 3o times. i try really hard not to let things like that bother me, but i can't help it. it's funny how obsessive i am over repetitions like that. how i have to put the cap of an open pen back on every open pen i see. how i can't use hand sanitizer without having lotion nearby because i hate the way my hands feel. how i get a weird tick when someone tries to touch my ultra-ticklish neck. how come my OCD causes me to be so specific about pointless things? why can't it hinder me from being stupid in the areas that really matter? oh, areas like--oh, gee, i don't know. relationships? people?

i'm a stubborn person, and i will do what i want to do for the most part. usually at my own expense. i feel like when everyone around me feels like strangers that maybe i might admit i'm doing something wrong. when my biggest supporters tell me to ditch a 'friendship' that isn't enough for me, i should probably follow their advice. when i feel sick after hearing that truth but then justify my involvement, i think i prove my foolishness quite a bit.

here's a topic that's been frustrating me recently. i haven't had the guts to write about it, but now i don't care because it's done. i just decided it's not fun anymore, really. it started out easy to put on the facade that i was fine with some pseudo-relationship that i can classify as friendship with no commitments. in fact, that did seem fun. i was convinced that having my cake and eating it was the way to live for a couple of months there. i can have all the perks of having a boyfriend without actually having to deal with one.

it was cool to further my humanistic cynicism that relationships just create hurt and confusion and do nothing but hold me back and bring drama. but deep down, i know i don't truly believe that. i know one day i'll start a friendship that turns into a relationship that will grow and never end. i know that i'm daily turning into a better me for that person, and that's the reason i didn't want to date for a while so that i could be the BEST for that person without distractions--even if i knew him right now, even if i wanted to date him now. i know that a good percentage of the failures in my last relationships have been because i loved the idea of a person instead of the person himself.

trying to pretend that i didn't want a relationship when i truly have these standards was foolish and wasteful. spending time and energy on anyone is a gift. a very precious gift. and when you're giving gifts to someone who doesn't appreciate them, you're the fool. not him. he's just a lucky taker who enjoys not having to work very hard to receive the benefits of your time and energy. who doesn't love attention? i certainly do. why wouldn't a guy show just enough interest to keep an awesome girl around to keep getting that attention? i can't fault him. not that this dude is a mean guy, because he's not. he's a gentleman, a sweet guy. he never did anything mean or wrong, but when someone is willing to disappoint you in small ways, they're willing to disappoint you in big ways--and frankly, that's just not something i'm willing to endure. and when you feel uncomfortable sharing the way you feel and you spend more time being stressed over a friendship than not being stressed, it's probably time to reevaluate your involvement.

i write all this to apologize to the people around me. i was in this toxic, time consuming thing, and it was so fun being distracted for a little bit--but then it was just agonizing because i wasn't able to focus on the things and the people who mean the most to me. it was my fault. i was lonely, and i wanted someone to pretend with. that was stupid. for any girls out there, i encourage you to never pursue something you know will end.

i encourage you to never pursue a guy at all. let him display all the interest, and you get involved at your own discretion, if the guy seems like a promising person who'd be worthy of your time, energy and affection. never stop taking seriously the people you spend your time on. the second you spend time on a person, you give them something very valuable and nonrefundable. when you waste that value, you can easily become bitter and frustrated with that person even though it's not their fault. that's why deep friendships and relationships are so meaningful and can get so sticky.

don't chase a boy. and even if you don't chase him, when he invites you in, don't become a part of only his world. if he's not interested in knowing your friends or becoming any part of your world, you haven't found someone who's "shy" or who's "stuck in his ways" or "not good at making new friends." you've found someone who's not that into you. don't make excuses for him. it seems flattering when someone invites you into their life, but if they aren't willing to share or give back in the same respect, they're either selfish or lazy--or both. and more than that, he's not interested in you, or else he'd be falling all over himself to know everything about your life and your friends.

and don't ever mistake courtesy for curiosity. he may send a text or two to ask how your day was, but if it never gets past surface level, he's just maintaining whatever he thinks it requires to keep you appeased and in his world. guys don't have to be anything more than simple to keep a girl around, because the girl will play all the games for him. all a guy has to do is decide what a girl desires and display a fraction of that desire toward the girl, and she'll convince herself of anything if she likes a guy enough. some marriages make themselves this way, i'm convinced. when a girl is willing to make excuses, she's willing to accept dating someone who is not enough for her. and if she's willing to be addicted to a toxic relationship, she's willing to compromise who she is for the comfort of someone who isn't worthy.

don't be that girl. it's easy to be that girl. games are fun. i love card games. i'm so competitive. but when i get done playing rummy or basketball, i can put up the cards and i can pack up the ball. but when i'm playing with my own mind and my time and my emotions, i can't just turn it all off at the end of the day. it's really foolish to even involve yourself with someone who you can't see yourself getting serious with.

and when someone you've invested your hopeful, precious time into looks at you and says, "i just don't want anything serious right now" you should run--fast, in the other direction as far as you can in the other direction and probably never accept contact from that person again. because that person was able to take full stock of all of your qualities and tell you that you just weren't interesting enough to date exclusively, but that he'd still like to have you around for fun. and you're better than being someone's fun. at the end of the day, i want to go to bed knowing i spent my time being respected, effective, inspiring, loving, loved, liked, understood, and meaningful to the people i invest in. not just fun. fun is good in its place, but just don't let that be the one definition a man wants to give you.

i've been pretty down since before my birthday about this. i wanted someone to want to date me that i didn't even want to date. haha, that's a paradox, i know. i was displaying a lot of interest in a guy i wouldn't normally be into, and my games didn't always work, so i just tried to make him want to be interested in me more. which in turn just failed, made me more interested, and obviously made him more frustrated (and i'm sure entertained from all the attention). the truth is, i was bored and feeling lonely when all this began. i thought it'd be fun. and now, like i opened with, it's not fun anymore. it seemed harmless enough, and there really isn't a whole lot of damage done besides the fact that i'm wasting my time.

it was cheap to waste time on someone i had little intention for in my future. that was selfish and wrong. i have the stamina to get ready and wait for a someone who is worthwhile, meets my standards, and completely interested in me. and while i was not ready and waiting, i tried to ignore some pretty worthwhile guys who attempted to hang out with me. don't miss out on great people, because you're too blinded by something lame.

a new friend of mine who probably won't think they play a part in this at all has really given me hope lately. the care with which they interact with me and even the things they say and do in passing really impress me. they remind me why i want to be authentic and the best version of me, and i feel like i'm on my toes again for the first time in a while. people like that make it easy to forget games and silly situations like the one i've discussed here at length. maybe i'll get the chance to thank that person if they become more a part of my life. either way, i don't think it's a coincidence that an encouragement would come at just the right time. it must be the Lord.

i took the time to write this not only as an apology and a limited, lame explanation of where my time was being spent last month--but i wrote it as a warning of sorts, in hopes that others will be inspired to move out of situations that just aren't enough. it doesn't have to be dating. it can be a job or a habit or a friendship. if it's a timesucker, and it's not showing you equivalent respect--it's time to reevaluate at least.

this blog isn't meant to bash anyone but myself for my own decisions, so please don't interpret it in any other way. i started this blog in vomit-worthy honesty, and it wouldn't be fair to withhold just because it's less personal business for other parties. i guess i should make any closely involved family and friends sign a consent waiver for my blog. yep, i'll remember to do that next time. great idea. until next time.