i like a boy

and i can't tell if it's good or no good.
win or lose.
isn't that the silliest thing to write a blog about?
but i can't get it off of my mind.

cole stuff.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

i miss...

my soul mate, sai.
keith's whistles.
"and the winner is!"
hair wraps.
mcguire's.
white ipod.
kirby.
playstation time.
deerfield.
the art table.
gertrude mcfuzz.
the atticus fan club.
the internship.
patrick&keith.
dadada's.
st.paul's scary, spiral stairs.
that first summer boy.
my cajun superhero.
twin oaks play dates.
jet skis.
stocks dairy.
kee kee monster.
macy.
darton.
basic photo.
D.
wesley at the door.
ap language.
altima fights.
vacation movie marathons.
cookie crew.
physci lisa talks.
your pillow chest.
the boat.
dunk 'ems.
mama georgia's.
walk, jog, run.
the spot near the tree.
the clay spot.
applebee's.
the rocket.
mock trial.
billyum.
hippeytalks.
biology.
exercise science.
the apartment.
GSOM [the one class].
the kittens.
cleo&chocolate.
landon.
meme.
cousins.
nikki.
valentine's dance.
p-smith.
adventures with lynne.
presents from mike.
i love lucy.
jamie visits.
bubble letter winner.
helen radio.
disney world promises.
kamp kirksey.
sundays at jason's.
pre-that girl status.
fives.
forward.
singing on stage.
plays.
being small.
low gas prices.
the blue skirt.
230 lbs.
cole.
the baseball fields.
treacycle weekends.
parking lot peeing.
lchs auditorium--my 2nd home.
acceptable irresponsibility.
dreams with stan.
my naked feet.
in love.
pure faces.
pre-golf cart.
braces.
boy pants.
life before june 2nd, 2008.

this is quite possibly the lowest feeling i've felt in my life. & it feels worse, because i don't know why i feel so low. it's like i've just realized cole is gone, but i've known for two months. how do i feel this way? i can't fight the feeling of being cheated out of some things. the summer started so great. at our slumber party, trea said, "this is only the beginning of an amazing summer." & now, school is starting again, and we are still digging our feet in the ground, bracing ourselves for the rest of what's to come.
why am i so unbearably sad about school starting again? it's as if i'm losing something. maybe i'm afraid of things changing. i've lost so much beyond my control, that i guess i am worried i'll lose more in some way.
i don't even know who i am. i feel so lost & useless. i do all i've done out of love, but it is really like therapy for me, too. now, i feel like a door is closing, and i don't know where to go. i'm not ready to move on & forget what happened this summer. i never want to do that. i'm just not ready to move on, but i feel like i'm being forced to. i've been so sick to my stomach this week. i broke down yesterday. it was finally the end, it seemed. trea is home, & the benefit was about to start...what else is there left to do?
and even if there were something to do, how do i do it?
i can't even remember how i functioned before june 2nd. what motivated me? what were my goals? who mattered to me most? how did i have so many friends & how was i so carefree? i'd like to be myself again, instead of just pretending to be myself. i'm so broken down on the inside over all that's happened that i can't make sense of anything really.
saying all this sounds scary, but i'm at a place where i need to get myself together without losing sight of all that i've learned through the worst experience of my life. it's ridiculous to worry, and i shoudn't admit to being so down&out--but it's just one of those days.



5:57 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


the second of june.
Current mood: blank
Category: Friends

[i wrote this blog on june 4th--but for some reason, it changed the date when i edited it today:]

this has been the wildest week of life for many of us.


it's life changing for everyone. we will always remember life before and after this moment in time. grief is only temporary, but memories never leave us. people go, but the things we share with them are never far from us. sometimes, it just doesn't seem like enough though. i will never understand all this. i try to be so faithful, but i get so easily discouraged, because i just don't understand. i don't think i ever will. and i'm sorry, God--but i may never accept this.



when i looked at cole tonight, it wasn't him. i couldn't even cry. my mom told me when my grandpa died that his body was just a shell. the real him was already alive in heaven. so who i looked at tonight was a beautiful looking boy costume, while our cole is in heaven, exactly where he wants to be.
i feel so selfish wanting him here, but i just love him. i want to hug him & talk to him & treasure a few more minutes with him--but i know if there were some way i could have that, all i'd end up wanting is more. it should bring us a great deal of peace to know that cole is in the very place with the very Lord he lived his life to be with, and i really am trying to rest in that. it just gets so miserably hard.


all of this is so tragic. i still haven't wrapped my mind around the actual occurrence, much less the repercussions and trials to come. however, i do know that God is strong enough to take on every emotion and every question from every person who asks Him. through all the chaos, God is in control. & i'm hoping i can really, really believe that in my heart if i tell myself enough. i just don't get it.


tomorrow is going to be a big day. i'm praying for everyone. people i don't know, whoever needs it. lean on your friends. without friends, i don't know how anyone gets by. i've realized how phenomenal my friends are the past few days, and i love them so much. i hope i can show them just exactly how much i really do love & appreciate them.


i've gotten to see trea a lot this week. that boy's strength has always amazed me, but i just can't even believe how good he is doing. my heart was turning flips, because he looked so good tonight. garrett looks great, too. i haven't gotten the chance to know him as well as trea, but his attitude & hilarious personality are keeping people's spirits up, including mine. those boys are going to be light for all of us having a hard time, because their perseverance is so inspirational.

i am so proud of garrett & trea. everytime i think about all they have to endure, it nearly brings me to tears. i think about them about as much as cole, because i know i could never be that strong & faithful, and in so many ways, i look to them for my own inspiration & drive to keep going. i don't think i'll ever be able to explain how much those three boys mean to me and how important they will always be in my heart.

:]

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ugh.

i wish i were God only for a minute.

i wish i were God only for a minute. i just want to feel what it's like to have all the problems and joys of the world in one mind, while being able to control all of them simultaneously.
being human sucks.
i worry and whine needlessly over trivial things i can control, plus the things i will never have the capacity to understand.
in my one minute as God, i'd want to know the feeling of peace. not the kind of peace i've felt in my most stable, beautiful moments in life--but the pure, true peace He has.
realizing i'm small and weak in the infinite scheme of things is cool. i do my little part, but it doesn't go unnoticed. without me, a job goes undone, because i have a purpose in life if i am created by God. i'm like an ant to the anthill, but an ant who is determined to every part of their job well.
i've created this scenario, because i've wondered so much why it is important to pray to God when he has it all planned out for me anyway, right? i wondered would my tiny, selfish, biased prayers really matter at all. And i have come to this conclusion with the accident that prayer is not only to worship God. it reveals things to me. So many prayers i pray have been answered in the most obvious of ways, comforting me and my worrying mind--the one that's too small to comprehend all that God knows.
i'm still confused everyday, and i'll continue to worry myself up the most exhausting headaches i can--but at the end of everything, i do find God sitting there patiently, revealing to me in the tiniest and most magical ways how He is in control and will make it all better. Trea is one of those things.

i can't even begin to explain how...i don't even know what adjective to put here...amazed?
shocked?
mystified?
blown away?
overwhelmed? i am.
i wish i could do trea's progress justice by describing it to you, but he's doing too many amazing, trea-like things to describe them all in this blog. there just aren't words decorative enough to describe what i have watched happen this month. i am so proud and inspired by trea's strength that it makes my heart leap every time i think about it. and to think it has affected my life so greatly, i know it has and will affect so many people for such a long time. i am so excited for him.
praying is so important. if you already are, keep it up.
if you don't pray, try it on for size. there's no risk in trying.

i'm still staring down the sun.

i look at these blogs i've posted, and i want to delete or edit pretty much every last one. however, i think that would be on the side of cheating. i've kept a journal for years, and i looked back at it today and laughed. i missed some things, but i was so misguided, and life was so trivial.
life is still trivial. i've come to realize that Satan has perversed God's gift of giving us purpose with trivial distractions in life. God gives each of us the inner drive to work toward a purpose in Him, and Satan does all he can to distract us with fleeting things that don't matter. i wrote in the last blog how my life was so trivial and i was finally coming into my own--i was fooling myself then. yeah, i had been shallow, but on the journey back to myself, i passed myself and kept going into the deep end, and that's where i was in the time i wrote the last blog.
what a scary time. yet, what a relief to be so loved by God that he brought me out of another murky time. see, another thing Satan steals from me is having the full freedom to love like i should...loving God and loving others. it sounds pretty easy, but as i referred to in earlier blogs, loving someone is far more than just being kind. love is unconventional and untraditional. why can't you define it? because it's as awesome and enigmatic as the One of created it.
i guess i love reading things past to see how much i've grown and changed. i would edit and delete all the silliness, the embarrassment--but then what would be the fun in that?
i'm growing. and i'm doing my best to constantly evaluate the fear and the triviality in my life. it will always be there. always. as long as i am seeking God, Satan will toss these perverse distractions and joy-stealers at me. it would be so much easier if i could remember just as clearly when i am down as i remember when i am up, that the only reason i am feeling so beaten down and awful is because i am fighting a battle on the right and winning team.
i'm burying that one in the time capsule in the backyard.

shnozzberries

things have changed.
i'm going through a time right now that is bad, but it's a good bad time to go through.
i have realized just how shallow my life has become recently. i feel like i've been living on the surface of things, and quite frankly, i think it's ok, because sometimes you have to skim through life to get through the hard times.
my life is pretty simple and good though, and i can't keep on being trivial, because now i'm just grumpy all the time. it was so nice to live for me for a while, to just be 100% selfish, but i also learned that it really doesn't fulfill me.
i love people, and i love loving people. i think it's a great way to be. i'm tired of letting vendettas weigh me down. i still love God. people worry so much about me during a time of confusion and transit. i have pushed God really far away recently, but i know loving him and loving people is my purpose, and i think that's why i'm so depressed. i've really only been loving me.
i'm really thankful i met gary.
i don't know how it happened or why it did, but it was just right.
he doesn't know it, but he's really what has cracked me open into thinking all of this.
so much happened from october to now that i could have drowned in, and i think i did a little too good at just not dealing with it. i just got hard-hearted and didn't think about it or sort through it. i just reverted back to my old ways of having crush after crush after crush after crush and letting my world revolve around social furtherence. and i am just so glad that i've realized what i was doing.
i really just needed to forgive people and situations.
i don't think i ever forgave kyle. i tried to last summer. like i really tried to get rid of all the bitterness and anger i had towards him at Saturate. i think i did half-heartedly. but after our break up and all the lousy stuff that happened, i felt solace in the fact that he was wrong. but i finally made the first move in forgiving him the other day. i called him. it was confusing and sad, and he was a total jerk about it, but it made my heart feel better.
and frankie said something so cool, she posed an idea that maybe i was afraid of getting into a relationship like my last one, rather than just being afraid of commitment. i think that's what it is. kyle is not a bad person. it just didn't work. and i am so glad that it's as simple as that, and i don't know why i have to make it any harder.
my parents are good parents. all parents have their flaws. i have my flaws as a child. but i don't have to wallow in anything i don't want to. and even though i know crappy people, i know a lot of amazing people. i have met so many people in the past four months that it definitely makes up for the year and a half i was without them.
i feel myself being happy again. i see myself having some depth again. everyone loses control sometimes, and that was me losing mine. WAS me losing mine.
i woke up to a horrible day today, but i felt wonderful. i know that makes no sense, but i feel like i'm finally coming into my own. i'm finally me without building myself around someone. i'm me, alone, but i have someone that i WANT in my life. IN my life, not just MY life. i'm kind of excited again about the future, and also what i don't know about the future.
things just feel good right now.