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two-two-niine, Georgia, United States
i never thought it would be hard to fit a nut into a nutshell, but here's a go at what i'm about. foremost, i know, love and follow the Lord. i'm a wild card. i enjoy being alone as much as i enjoy other people. i eat up anything art-related. i'm an only child. i have a BBA in Marketing & an AA in Fine Arts. i'm the marketing and PR gal for Stewbos group, a job i truly love. i do this part-time, and the rest of the time i'm a stay at home wife/mama to Justin and Vayda. i itch to travel and i delight at learning new things. you'll find i'm neurotic, intellectual, honest and somewhat naive. i'm open and compassionate, yet paradoxically hard on myself. my biggest fear is succumbing to cynicism, and my greatest joy is experiencing growth. my idol is willy wonka, because i never want to grow up. i sing and dance my way through the day. I believe the best ones are full of giggles. i think blogging is rather self-indulgent. writing about my thoughts feels selfish, yet i enjoy the exploration it brings. thanks for stopping by.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

i lost my job today

it's embarrassing, but i'd rather you hear it from me than as a rumor from someone else. i'm obviously really upset about it. my boss gave me a raise last week and let me go this afternoon due to "lack of funds to pay me." i really loved my job, and i dedicated a lot of exhausting hours to helping the company gain more footing for a small stipend.

i am giving everything i've got to forgive the injustice i feel was done to me today. i learned many valuable things at the firm, and i shared many great experiences. i even made some wonderful connections with people of all kinds. i love my coworkers very much. working with my best friend was a dream of mine, and sharing my own office with casey for a month was a blast. meeting kristin was one of the best things to come from the job. i love her personality, we get along so wonderfully, and i know i've found a lasting friendship in her. miloy was very patient and shared a ton of her knowledge with me, and for that i am extremely grateful.

ultimately, it comes down to money. i'm a college graduate who has been working for a minimal stipend for over four months, and a beginning of the year increase was promised me at the start of my employment. i've been overworked and underpaid--taking work home and dealing with a full-time load, and i was starting to get weary, overwhelmed and frustrated. i said i couldn't go on any longer without a raise. to my excitement it was given to me, but i was let go today because of lack of funds. it was a shocking surprise, but i don't regret taking a stand for myself. i was constantly looking for ways to create value in the firm, and i know i displayed my worth. i'm very thankful for the entire experience, and i'm sad my time at lemonade is done. i know through prayer and persistence that the company is going to overcome its growing pains. it was a great place to work right out of school.

it stinks that the firm couldn't afford to keep me, but i know that there is something new on the horizon and i'm ready for it. great people lose their jobs everyday, and another one lost theirs today. i know i'm great at what i do, and i know i'm going to do great things. i'm looking forward to the next opportunity that the Lord brings me.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

crazy, baby

i realize i haven't posted in a while. time is so redundant lately that it's been escaping me. work is good. it's taken a lot more adjusting than i thought it would to work full-time. i've had to be more deliberate about my activities, and it's been hard to be so careful about what i take on. my time management has improved a lot, but i still fall into times when don't make the most of the allotted time i have to do projects. i'm learning though. being punctual is still a problem. i'm getting more motivated, and i have made strides so i'm definitely not giving up.

ten pounds. ten pounds. i want ten pounds on my body to just disappear. i've been really healthy as far as work outs go, which is a great accomplishment. i'm just so lazy about eating. i enjoy food, and i hate having to sacrifice my carbs to see results on the scale. i'll do good for a while, and then i'll munch on everything in sight. it's got me on this dumb yo-yo thing.

i've decided to see a psychiatrist. there are no available appointments until march, but i'm going. i've put it off for a while, because i didn't want to admit that anxiety and depression were getting the better of me. i will have good spells when i form good thinking habits, but then i will get distracted and fall back into my old thought patterns. this cycle has really worn me down, and i want to try something new. i don't want to use medicine as a crutch, but i definitely have an issue. mental imbalance runs on both sides of my family with suicide and bipolar disorder present in my extended family.

it's something i don't want to be embarrassed or ashamed to talk about with other people. there's such a stigma about it in our society, and i hate that some sufferers get so lonely and hopeless that they take their own lives. i think it's important to be vocal about this issue if you feel comfortable talking about it, because it might give others courage to seek counseling. and in the very least, at least others can relate to me.

i don't think i'm (too) psychotic or anything. i don't hear voices. i just have a great deal of anxiety about many things. they seem like control issues, really. before a long road trip i have to walk around the car and shut every door and the trunk. none of my items can be on the floorboard of the car because of a story i misunderstood as a little girl when my mother told me that the floor of the car fell out beneath her feet one morning when my grandmother was driving her to school. i can remember as a little girl being neurotic about my mom driving with the windows down because my bow might fly out of my hair. that same feeling is the one i get when my belongings are on the floorboard or i can't go around and shut every door and the trunk on a road trip.

these are just the tip of my anxiety. i have obsessive thoughts about any issue that seems unsolvable. it can last for a half hour or a week, depending on when i feel released from the situation. i make myself and the people close to me mentally sick by exhaustively explaining my feelings on these randomly occurring thoughts--things that didn't matter yesterday or five minutes ago but now the future of the universe hinges on. anxiety stems from there, and then anger surfaces toward myself and/or others and depression sometimes follows. then i'll obsess about the obsessive thoughts, and it's just an ugly cycle.

i know everyone has issues, but these are mine. and i'm trying to be open even if it makes others uncomfortable. i want to be the best God made me to be not only for myself but for the people i affect. i have already hurt some people with my issues, and i want to rectify that by helping myself now. so that's where i am. i hope 2011 will see some positive change for me mentally.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

one-eleven-eleven.

i'm a turd. that's really all there is to it. i've got a lot going for me, but i've been acting like i'm put upon like a selfish brat.

i've gotten so obsessed with this culturally defined idea of success. everyone knows my name. i've got money to spend. i have influence. those are the things i'm aching for, and i want them at a young age so that i can be some sort of hometown celebrity.
well, that's just stupid.

walking down the hall at my office just now, i felt a little blip of pride explode in my chest. i have a job. that's pretty cool. i got this job the second i graduated from college. i may not make the type of money i wish i were making yet, but i couldn't imagine having a cooler kind of job.

we made an exchange with the landlord of this building for some rent money, and now i get to share a rockin' creative suite with my best friend. not many people have the luxury of having their own space to create, move and work. it's something to be proud of.

i work under a really patient, flexible boss who is willing to teach me and strengthen my shortcomings. she's adventurous and wants to explore creative possibilities. dreaming up ideas excites me. sometimes i forget how exciting it is, because working is new to me and i get discouraged from not being able to accomplish everything all at once.

having the opportunity to grow under a marketing firm is turning out to be a cool experience. the job is everything i always described that i wanted but nothing like i expected i'd enjoy (it sounds weird to me too). i am getting the hang of prioritizing my tasks and accomplishing one thing at a time and taking steps to be efficient and effective.

i've been whining and shutting down because i've been so overwhelmed, and that's why i call myself a turd. God has given me a great opportunity, and i'm sulking before i've even worked hard enough to be discouraged. i'm proud of the work i'm turning out, and my focus is getting better every day.

my goal for the new year was to be better at managing my time and to be more punctual. when others are late it bothers me, yet i'm late all the time. it's not only disrespectful to others but its mainly disrespectful to me. if i start the day right, i get more done. i have a better attitude, and i'm more focused. procrastination was a bad habit of mine throughout my school years, but i'm learning that it's not fun to work at night in real life. even accomplishing things little-by-little throughout the day frees up more time for me to work on other projects, and having my "me" time when i get off of work has gotten even more valuable.

just some little tid bits on my big girl job stuff. more to come later.