Do you ever accidently wake up after lunch time and feel kind of crappy, realizing how much day you've wasted? I won't spend much time beating myself up here when i'm already forgiven, but I realize I've been wating moments justifying needless actions I've been performing in my life.
Did it really have to come down to that? Nope.
I wasn't a good example, so God let me be made example of.
I'm sick of all the filth in my life. I'm sick of loving God with all but a little of my heart. I'm sick of smelling like cigarettes. I'm sick of the occasional pointless drink. I'm sick of being a meaningless kiss from a meaningless person. I'm sick. I'm disgusted with myself.
These have been my choices. Stupid choices. But I need to choose something better now.
I don't have a reason to run away from life. I'd even say that in my heart I was hurting for someone to call me out, to give me an excuse not to--but i'm just so weak-willed that I couldn't just stand on my own.
Last nite, it seemed like God gave me a little moment of his eyesight, showing me all the little distractions, pulling at me in every area of my life. Through a dark and embarrasing moment, he gave me an escape from everything I was doing. I've come to find out that the trials that God allows in our life can be used in the best of ways, if we let them.
Yes, there are consequences. Yes, there is hurt. But as long as we are alive on this planet, then God has a purpose for our breathing each and every breath. We can waste moments wallowing in regret and what ifs, but that's blemishing the very moments we can redeem ourselves from the moments we regret in the first.
I love my Lord. I do. It breaks my heart knowing how terribly I've disappointed him, how I disappoint him everyday with dumb human actions. Though every action isn't "wrong," those not spent living the life God planned for me seems pretty pointless, when I stop thinking about my trivial life and start thinking about the God of my world.
I praise God for punishment. I praise God that I have a big enough purpose in him that punishment is necessary. I praise God for friends who truly love me. I praise God for parents who truly care. I praise God that He has chosen me, and I have chosen Him, that He does not abandon me when I selfishly forget him in the trivialities of this world. I praise God, because He deserves all the praise I can muster from my little life--and I hope everything that I can give with the rest of my life will please Him.
I am so thankful that God has not given up on me. I hope that everyone can experience God wherever they are walking. Even the most glorious mountain top experience here on Earth with him cannot compare with the true glory and wonder of His name, and even in the depths--He IS there. Believe it & believe in Him.
- erin whatley
- two-two-niine, Georgia, United States
- i never thought it would be hard to fit a nut into a nutshell, but here's a go at what i'm about. foremost, i know, love and follow the Lord. i'm a wild card. i enjoy being alone as much as i enjoy other people. i eat up anything art-related. i'm an only child. i have a BBA in Marketing & an AA in Fine Arts. i'm the marketing and PR gal for Stewbos group, a job i truly love. i do this part-time, and the rest of the time i'm a stay at home wife/mama to Justin and Vayda. i itch to travel and i delight at learning new things. you'll find i'm neurotic, intellectual, honest and somewhat naive. i'm open and compassionate, yet paradoxically hard on myself. my biggest fear is succumbing to cynicism, and my greatest joy is experiencing growth. my idol is willy wonka, because i never want to grow up. i sing and dance my way through the day. I believe the best ones are full of giggles. i think blogging is rather self-indulgent. writing about my thoughts feels selfish, yet i enjoy the exploration it brings. thanks for stopping by.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Blahty-blahty-blah
so, i'm a schemer, eh? well, you're a dreamer.
doing the right thing is always the hardest. & you know that. you're just pissed you didn't get the honest idea first. i felt led to make a difference the best way i could, instead of getting lower & lower in a petty little pit of nothing helpful.
Ugh.
Dont't sit here and analyze my actions when there's nothing deeper than truth there, sweetie.
Not everyone has ulterior motives of mountain top friendships, cracking the whip and dellusional romances.
Sometimes, people want trust, love, fun.
Rarely, do they seek tears, worry, secrets.
Always, people want truth.
If I were trying to climb my way to the top, then I wouldn't waste my time on our friendship. Which is how it's become--A waste of time, because I can't trust you. In a freaking crisis is when the truth comes out, my friend, and you ditched to save yourself & started taking other people down with you.
Get real.
Quit with the sympathy act.
Quit with the lies.
Quit with the tears.
Just quit.
People who can't trust can't be trusted.
And P.S. here is the rest of how i feel: i fuhreaking love YOU. you remind me of everything good about all the rest of my closest friends i've lost.
You #2: i am just plain addicted to you. We are way a lot alike & we make the best team. I hope it stays that way.
You #3: there isn't much to say besides wow.
You #4: you give me a work out because you are so fun.
you #5: everytime i'm with you, it's too much fun.
you #6: we're weird, but i like it. i wouldn't trade it. i love all of my freaking friends. and i'm glad i know who to trust. i feel trust with the six of you like crazy.
doing the right thing is always the hardest. & you know that. you're just pissed you didn't get the honest idea first. i felt led to make a difference the best way i could, instead of getting lower & lower in a petty little pit of nothing helpful.
Ugh.
Dont't sit here and analyze my actions when there's nothing deeper than truth there, sweetie.
Not everyone has ulterior motives of mountain top friendships, cracking the whip and dellusional romances.
Sometimes, people want trust, love, fun.
Rarely, do they seek tears, worry, secrets.
Always, people want truth.
If I were trying to climb my way to the top, then I wouldn't waste my time on our friendship. Which is how it's become--A waste of time, because I can't trust you. In a freaking crisis is when the truth comes out, my friend, and you ditched to save yourself & started taking other people down with you.
Get real.
Quit with the sympathy act.
Quit with the lies.
Quit with the tears.
Just quit.
People who can't trust can't be trusted.
And P.S. here is the rest of how i feel: i fuhreaking love YOU. you remind me of everything good about all the rest of my closest friends i've lost.
You #2: i am just plain addicted to you. We are way a lot alike & we make the best team. I hope it stays that way.
You #3: there isn't much to say besides wow.
You #4: you give me a work out because you are so fun.
you #5: everytime i'm with you, it's too much fun.
you #6: we're weird, but i like it. i wouldn't trade it. i love all of my freaking friends. and i'm glad i know who to trust. i feel trust with the six of you like crazy.
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