crazy, baby

i realize i haven't posted in a while. time is so redundant lately that it's been escaping me. work is good. it's taken a lot more adjusting than i thought it would to work full-time. i've had to be more deliberate about my activities, and it's been hard to be so careful about what i take on. my time management has improved a lot, but i still fall into times when don't make the most of the allotted time i have to do projects. i'm learning though. being punctual is still a problem. i'm getting more motivated, and i have made strides so i'm definitely not giving up.

ten pounds. ten pounds. i want ten pounds on my body to just disappear. i've been really healthy as far as work outs go, which is a great accomplishment. i'm just so lazy about eating. i enjoy food, and i hate having to sacrifice my carbs to see results on the scale. i'll do good for a while, and then i'll munch on everything in sight. it's got me on this dumb yo-yo thing.

i've decided to see a psychiatrist. there are no available appointments until march, but i'm going. i've put it off for a while, because i didn't want to admit that anxiety and depression were getting the better of me. i will have good spells when i form good thinking habits, but then i will get distracted and fall back into my old thought patterns. this cycle has really worn me down, and i want to try something new. i don't want to use medicine as a crutch, but i definitely have an issue. mental imbalance runs on both sides of my family with suicide and bipolar disorder present in my extended family.

it's something i don't want to be embarrassed or ashamed to talk about with other people. there's such a stigma about it in our society, and i hate that some sufferers get so lonely and hopeless that they take their own lives. i think it's important to be vocal about this issue if you feel comfortable talking about it, because it might give others courage to seek counseling. and in the very least, at least others can relate to me.

i don't think i'm (too) psychotic or anything. i don't hear voices. i just have a great deal of anxiety about many things. they seem like control issues, really. before a long road trip i have to walk around the car and shut every door and the trunk. none of my items can be on the floorboard of the car because of a story i misunderstood as a little girl when my mother told me that the floor of the car fell out beneath her feet one morning when my grandmother was driving her to school. i can remember as a little girl being neurotic about my mom driving with the windows down because my bow might fly out of my hair. that same feeling is the one i get when my belongings are on the floorboard or i can't go around and shut every door and the trunk on a road trip.

these are just the tip of my anxiety. i have obsessive thoughts about any issue that seems unsolvable. it can last for a half hour or a week, depending on when i feel released from the situation. i make myself and the people close to me mentally sick by exhaustively explaining my feelings on these randomly occurring thoughts--things that didn't matter yesterday or five minutes ago but now the future of the universe hinges on. anxiety stems from there, and then anger surfaces toward myself and/or others and depression sometimes follows. then i'll obsess about the obsessive thoughts, and it's just an ugly cycle.

i know everyone has issues, but these are mine. and i'm trying to be open even if it makes others uncomfortable. i want to be the best God made me to be not only for myself but for the people i affect. i have already hurt some people with my issues, and i want to rectify that by helping myself now. so that's where i am. i hope 2011 will see some positive change for me mentally.