in my room

playing video games with mom. it doesn't get much better than this. dad taught me some life lessons while we were out christmas shopping today, and i'm cleaning my computer while mom learns the ins and outs of a 360 controller.

life is good. really good. can i get an amen?

it's christmas time in the city...

ring-a-ling...:)
where did christmas come from?! this year has been a total whirlwind, i swear. i can't believe the holiday season is here again. life should slow down so i can catch a breath.

i don't really have much to say. everything is moving along at the same ol' pace.

i filmed a commercial recently for one of our clients, and it just started airing. i've been getting a lot of attention over it, and it makes me uneasy. i don't like feeling that i'm the butt of some jokes, but it's all in the name of being the best employee i can at LMF! and who knows, maybe compass cleaners really will point me in the right direction and give me my big break, haha! yea, right. but hey, a girl can dream!

after a month of sloth-like tendencies, i've decided to amp up my diet/exercise combo and give it all i've got during the holidays. i've been fluctuating around the same 3 pounds for a month or so, and i'm ready to just go all out and lose twelve-ish pounds to get to my long-term goal. fad diets generally fail me, but i talked this latest thing over with chipper--my weight loss guru--and we decided this seemed like it was worth a shot.

i'm substituting these protein-esque shakes for two of my meals each day, and they are UH-mazing. i ate one at 8:30 this morning, and now everyone's at lunch. i'm sitting at my desk...still full as a tick. i feel great, healthy, energetic--and i like it! i can definitely handle this for a month or so, and i'm feeling like i will see the results i'd like to see. i know i will always struggle with my image and my weight, but when i feel like i am in control, i'm a happier me.

i finally get my college diploma on saturday. i can't believe it's really here! DONE-ZO! after being done with classes for five months, i am eagerrrrrly awaiting this piece of paper. i'm also going to the festival of lights at callaway gardens with chipper this weekend after i graduate. he left roses on my car last night at the gym and a note asking me to go. sooooo romanticaaaaaal. *sigh* i'm a very happy girl, i am.

The Great Stumbling Block of the Creative Mind

by Donald Miller, link posted below the article. very inspiring:

"The great stumbling block of the creative mind is the awareness of self from the perspective of others. Self awareness isn’t the enemy, because we are in fact masterworks of God, but rather the overemphasis regarding what others think of us. When we think too much about the opinions of others, we are letting them edit a book God has written.

In his introduction to C.S. Lewis’ sermon The Weight of Glory, Walter Hooper says Lewis was not capable of writing a great work until he converted to Christianity, not because only Christians create great work (obviously) but because his conversion marked an inner change in which he ceased to take much interest in himself.

In an age in which we can project an image and score that image based on immediate Facebook and Twitter feedback, thus making a video game of life and a false-reality composed of lies, what gets lost is a joyful obsession with the work we create from the purest of motives, a sheer joy in the act of creation itself that causes us to lose ourselves in something else, and in a way die to ourselves over the absolute love of a thing we are breathing into life."

The Great Stumbling Block of the Creative Mind

it's the little things.

so chipper. i've talked about him here and there, and i feel a bit awkward writing about him, especially knowing that he reads my blog. i don't want anything to seem contrived nor do i want to embarrass him with anything i say. i'm just so shocked about how things are progressing from something that started so spontaneously. i feel as if i've discovered a secret, like i've gotten some corner on a wonderful kind of friendship that no one else has. our interactions are relaxed like we've got a simple friendship. there are not a lot of uncomfortable compromising or imbalance or stressful expectations. feeling no pressure or force to change who i am just encourages me to want to be better for all the right reasons. maybe that's common and i sound silly.

or maybe it's just right. i thought i'd met my quota on good relationships and that i just sucked at them. i guess that's what i get for being cynical. being the negative person i am, i create these ideas in my mind that things will fail one way or another. that chipper doesn't get me, that he won't understand me, that he'll become controlling at some point, that i'll never get to the bottom of who he is, that i'll never know how he really feels, that our dynamics will change to something less enjoyable. i have a hard time letting myself believe this is reality in the worst of ways. i'm kind of pretending it's a show so i can tentatively enjoy it until it falls apart. but i don't think it's a show. i think it is something real and something unique. and the cool thing is that this relationship is mine, even if i'm having trouble accepting that i have something so extraordinary.

amongst all the chaos in my life, everything seems so peaceful when it comes to chipper. all of my quirks just seem to meld perfectly into what we have, and it's kind of frightening. the "help me with my diet" game. which really isn't a game. i really do want help staying motivated with my diet. but i generally try to push the limits to see if the desire to please me outweighs the promise of helping me lose weight by coyly asking for ice cream and unhealthy snacks. generally, i get my ice cream, but chipper folds down the bag of cheese nips while i'm not paying attention during the movie, and he certainly doesn't buy me the cookie from subway. and for some reason, i feel more loved than i ever have through such a simple action. magical little moments like that affect me all the time, but i don't know how to say anything. i just get scared i won't be able to return the favor and create that same magic on my end because chipper keeps all of his cards so close. but i guess deep down i know things will unfold in time. besides, i've always loved a challenging mystery.

what an adventure i'm on.

chasing cars or rabbit trails or something

i wish i could remember a time when driving was a privilege. this morning i got so bent out of shape when this old man just glided along a 45 mile-an-hour, one lane street at a 25-mile-an-hour pace. and once i was finally able to pass him, this turd of a driver started wrecklessly tailing me as i was circling off of the bypass ramp. not everyone used to have a car. people were grateful for such an invention to carry them places faster and more efficiently. now i'm about as grateful for my car as i am grateful that God gave me a pinky toe.

everyone's in such a hurry to get nowhere, and people are addicted to stress. i watched a national geographic documentary that was very enlightening. stress is meant to help us in necessary situations, but we allow mental stress over the most unworthy of situations most of the time. driving to work. girl drama. being late. the uncontrollable nuances. the trivial. i want to study how i can stop stressing myself out. how to stop pulling that trigger just because it's a habit. i feel like my mind would be a lot more peaceful.

i'm in every direction lately. i've been in the process of wrapping things up at the bank for three months now. i was told i needed to find a new gig by october 1st, and i lucked out finding LMF which i absolutely adore and want to excel in. now it's december and i'm still substituting and working at LMF and the bank. i'm so blessed to have all of these income sources, but the mental exercise of moving between the different sets of tasks that each job demands is...well, stressful.

i look forward to a day when i can have one job that can support my monetary needs. i'm so blessed to have a job at all, i know that. but i'm not in college anymore. my goal is bigger than being able to make it week-to-week. if i'm working full-time, i want full-time pay so that i can have something to show for it. i need more professional work attire, and i'd like to be able to save up for my future. i know that if God has placed a desire within me, he will fulfill it in His time.

i am so grateful for Lemonade. it has been scary and stressful getting used to the pace, but i feel like i am starting to fit into my position. miloy is very helpful at recognizing my needs. she created a task list with action dates for me yesterday, and it's exactly what i needed. i like how she is able to see my strengths and weaknesses and is willing to help me grow and be a strong performer. i tend to get bogged down and distracted, but i have this anxious desire to create unrivaled ideas. i hope that one day i will have the discipline and the wisdom to be so creative--to be a real "creative specialist." :)

i'm just glad for how i'm ending the year. i feel like i've been pretty steady in 2010, and that's been nice. there are some different characters--rather unexpected and uncomparable characters, actually--but i am still myself. i'm thankful that my wonderful parents are letting me live with them, and they are taking care of me as i try to make a break in the world. i've got wonderful friends in my life who keep me balanced, challenged and enjoying my world. i have an extraordinary guy sharing life with me who inspires me and asks nothing from me but to be myself. i really love him. i've got a job on the horizon where i can grow in every one of my talents and passions. it's flexible, fun and i'm learning a ton. though things are a bit stressful at times, i'm very satisfied with the path forming in front of me. i hope i do it justice.

gee, thanxxx

i don't know why, but i always think of thanksgiving as kind of cliche. i say i'm thankful for crap, but really i'm not at all. i just enjoy the food and the warmth of my family being together, but it was mostly just another selfish day in an enjoyable season.

this year has been a big struggle to renew my mind, to be authentic instead of just going through the motions everyday, to avoid getting dragged through the trivialities of life. therefore, i think the Bible verse that has shaped this year for me is Romans 12:2: "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to trst and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."

i often get caught up in myself and who i've let myself become, but discovering this year that i can mentally take action to renew the way i think by memorizing Scripture and taking on different thinking habits has really changed the way i look at things. i have the power in Christ to be more authentic, to use my time better, to change how angry and frustrated and stressed i allow myself to become over situations. it's a challenge, and i like that.

so, this season i want to really give thanks:
i'm thankful to have a God who is in control and who reminds me that i can't really do much on my own so i need to stop worrying.
i'm thankful for parents who have great intentions for my life with their advice, who love the Lord, and who love me and love being involved in my life.
i'm thankful for a positive, kind-hearted, open-minded boyfriend in my life.
i'm thankful for wonderful friends who love me, challenge me and often forgive my flaws.
i'm thankful for the influence God has given me among certain groups of people. i'm thankful for freedom in Christ in America and the opportunity to experience Christ at all.
i'm thankful for job opportunities and all that i have been able to learn recently.
i'm thankful for the blessing of being able to attend school with the help of scholarships and my parents, so that i have a better chance at gaining employment in society.
i'm thankful that i am able to give thanks--that the Lord gave His life and gave me the Holy Spirit so that i can know Him through prayer and share in His power. such things sounded so lofty and so strange until i knew this unexplainable gift.
i'm thankful for my past--no matter how sticky or how stupid my decisions were--because they've shaped who i am currently becoming.
most of all, i am thankful for tomorrow and the future purpose for my life.

i hope i never forget how to seize the day.
happy thanksgiving to anyone who reads.

no excuses.

at the beginning of the week, i have every intention to go to choir practice, bible study, relevate practice, the gym, etc--but when the day gets here, i get so tired by the end of the day that i'd rather just lay around a little longer at the house instead doing something mindless.

i'm feeling pretty irresponsible. i know the people who are used to seeing me have probably lost faith in me, and i don't even know why i'm so tired. i've started working full-time (between two part-time gigs), and i guess the juggle has just become mentally exhausting.

it makes me feel like a whining dweeb, because so many people work harder than me. but i crave sitting down to read one of my million books or catching up on my favorite movies and television shows. that feels selfish. probably because it is selfish. it's a funky place, and i don't know whether i should just indulge it or try to motivate myself to get back involved on a regular basis. i loathe being inconsistent, so since 'all' wasn't feasible, i reverted to 'nothing,' essentially.

people approaching me saying that they miss me makes me feel awful, so i feel the need to perform under those expectations. i don't know what the Lord is doing in my life right now, but i know that i am trying to follow as He convicts me. this is just a confusing area for me.

i feel like LMF is such a blessing, as i get to use my creativity and passion for art on regular basis. it just feels right, and things are progressing in a wonderful way. it's the rest of my life that's chaos. it's weird, because i was so intensely afraid of my job situation this summer as evidenced in my blogs. and now that i feel secure in that, everything else has turned upside down. i have faith that the Lord will provide a path. i just need to be more faithful in valuing my time. i could really shave off a few minutes here and there to make my life more useful.

having a boyfriend feels a little crazy. chipper and i will have been offishy for a whole month tomorrow. he's such a good thing in my life that i'm scared i might start focusing too much on him for my happiness. that sounds like a negative thing, but it's not. i just feel so safe and understood with him, and having that so present in my life makes it easy to start ignoring God--but i hope recognizing that early means i'll be able to stop that from happening. i really just can't explain how well things are working themselves together. i'm sort of at a loss for words about it, because this relationship came out of a really awful time of stupidity and self-inflicted chaos in my life. yet somehow, i got a really big blessing out of it. i'm still trying to process it--or just figure out when the joke is going to end.

i heard a sad song this afternoon. it's a song that has a lot of memories attached to it for me, and it made me feel really apprehensive. letting my guard down is so hard, and as much peace as i've felt through my prayers i still get overwhelmed sometimes when my past comes to the forefront of my mind. i worried for a while about it this afternoon, but all in all the Lord is going to work it out if i let Him.

it's hard for me to be so honest about things i just don't know about. it's hard for me to admit i'm unsure or that i know i'm failing some people's expectations. there's no excuses though, and i'm not doing the erinish thing and making any. so that's this week in erinland.

i'm not lazy.

i've written in all lowercase letters for years, and there's a reason. i'm not just grammatically lazy. ee cummings is my favorite poet, and obviously we share the same first and middle initial, as my name is erin elizabeth (add the doubleh-voo and you'll find out my initials are EEW, gross. laugh it up. you're not the first).

if you aren't familiar with ee cummings, much of his work seems nonsensical to the general public. however, he was truly a master of the avant-garde, whose work i quite enjoy reading. many people believe he legally changed his name to the lowercase, punctuation-absent "ee cummings," but this is likely untrue. it's thought that when he did sign this way, it was a submissive act for the crowd. for some reason, that makes me love him more.

ee cummings really inspires me, because he was willing to twist conventional rules that often induced confusion and discomfort for the audience. and he did all of this for the enjoyment of his craft, which correspondingly pushed boundaries in the art world at large. though his neologisms and other grammatical choosings are more notable that his lack of capitalization, i chose to mimic him in the latter respect a few years ago as an expression of minor rebellion and appreciation for his ideas. i also enjoy creating, using, and attempting to spread personal neologisms, but that isn't so much a display inspired by edward estlin as much as it is a quirky erin thing.

my blackberry autocorrects this preference, but i keep it up while i can. i just felt like sharing, because it's a little-known erinish factoid. so there.

time

2010 has been quite a year. i know it's not over, but i feel like i've crammed a lot of life into it. i think i can successfully say i did more living in this year than i've done in any years prior. i broke so many of my rules, and that process has been both scary and rewarding. this year has changed so much how i feel about time itself.

how am i spending my time?
what is time, really?
how do time and dreaming correlate (i'm convinced they do)?
is my attitude positive or negative during the majority of my time?
am i valuing the time i've been given?
is time another simple man-made instrument or God-ordained idea?
am i ordering my time based on social stigmas or my conscience?
who is worthy of my time?
how much does history's routine affect how i feel comfortable spending today's time?
how can i quit wasting time?
how can i maintain radical and spontaneous uses of my time throughout an average life?
is my mind accurately interpreting my time through memories and analysis?

i enjoy thinking. let me rephrase that--i'm utterly fascinated with my mental capacity. i like getting so deep into my intellect that i feel insecure over it. i feel like the human mind is such a feeble thing. i'm not referring to the idea that many people don't actually use their minds--which they don't. they mindlessly follow social norms and trivial desires within the physical realm. i'm guilty of this too. what i'm suggesting is that the human brain just isn't enough. i see evidence everywhere, mental illness being the number one. on that note, i'm a firm believer that everyone has a tick or a quirk. some people are just too arrogant to search out and admit it. i'm sure there's some norm as far as mental capacity goes, but everyone has some unique pattern that individualizes their own brains.

i'm usually very selective over who i share intellectual conversations with. my deepest convictions and the depth of my musings and dreams just seem like such personal things. my friend jamie joyce inspired me this summer to share more of myself in this respect. he's really an incredible guy. he displays such a large desire to connect with people on more than just a trivial level. he wants to know you for everything that you are from the most shallow to the very deepest core. what an inspiration! it's so easy for me to mimic the trivialities of the world around me. having "fun" and asking about the day-to-day and sharing laughs over the cynicism of daily grind is easy to dumb down and experience. but how many people have i experienced down to their very soul?

in such an informational world, it's easy to base our connections on simple data. i want so much more than that. i want to hold the things that can't be held. i want to attempt to know the things that can't be known. i love to test the heights and depths of my mind. it's so small, and i am so unable to comprehend so much. i look at the sky and i think of all the people who have lived and who will live and see the very same sky. who am i to feel so important that i can display any amount of cynicism about time? who am i to say i know anything at all? i can talk such mindless drivel all day long about popular culture in the world, but what value does any of that really have?

i could write all day about the mind. about how the mind is in a war between what is Godly and what is not. about how my mind is completely weak without the Holy Spirit to guide me. about how the mind lies to itself and creates completely different memories from those that actually occur. about how my eyes can't even physically see the world as it is because of the way my mind has trained them to view it. about how i feel like there must be some spiritual purpose for the night's dreams. about how i wish i could live within my imagination. about how i dream to spend years training my mind in the ways of the Lord and exercising my intellect into new boundaries, but i know that the trivial distractions of success, money and life will slow the process down indefinitely.

i'm a procrastinator. time waster. completely caught up in the world around me. i'm talented. i long to be accepted. i long to please people. i long to have attention. i spend so much time. i spend it and spend it until it is gone. i can manage to juggle a million endeavors, but i can't make the time to manage my own mind. that's the ultimate sin, i think. the one that won't be conquered in my lifetime--using my time to complete fullness. don't ask me where this came from. it's sort of a vomit because i'm stressed. i work. fun. sleep. church. work. fun. sleep. church. work. i just look at the year and i filled it so perfectly, and i enjoyed the beauty of most of it in my mind. i hope i will always be able to take a breath and enjoy the beauty around me. i was overwhelmed earlier, and i rested my head on the back of the couch, looked at the ceiling and sighed an enormously long breath. and all i could think about was the overwhelming nature of time.

secrets

i accidently posted this to an old business blog on saturday. weird. oops:

i'm on the bus home from secret church right now, and i've really enjoyed the trip. after taking a step back from the ministries i was involved in, i felt a little alienated. but this has been a really good experience. i think i made a lot of the tension up in my mind, and i'm really encouraged that i don't feel compelled to run away because i feel like i've failed (something i'd typically do) since i had to give some things up. everyone still cares about me and likes me the same as they always have, so i am feeling less stressed about it.

i found myself listening to 'secrets' by onerepublic a few minutes ago. there's something about that song that touches me, and i think it's because relate to what the band is saying. it's so easy for me to live under pretense, and the song always reminds me that insincerity is so unnecessary. i heard the song for the first time flying home from boston, and i cried. i don't even really know why. i didn't know what the lyrics meant at first, but i thought it was so beautiful. having the courage and the desire to be me enough to go on a trip independently was a big deal. i have lived so long trying to fit into someone else's mold that being myself seems unnatural sometimes, so i'm striving all the time to remain authentic in who i am and who God created me to be. today i ate lunch alone again. i've done this a lot lately. i will see movies alone and other solo activities just to remind myself that i don't always require the approval and company of others. i'm such a people pleaser that i often forget to please God or treat myself right.

i'm happy for the discovery i've had recently, and i hope i will be able to find the right balance of pleasing others and leaving time to have a healthy personal life. i guess i'll just continue to 'give all my secrets away' in the meantime as i grow into this new idea. i think it's a pretty nifty thing.

relationship status

my relationship status on facebook has changed. it wasn't really something i expected to happen, but i'm pretty happy about it. i met chipper a couple of years ago when a friend took me to play rockband at his house, but we didn't really hang out much after that. i struck up a conversation with him when i saw him out around my birthday, and we started hanging out. i've done things differently with chipper than i've done in the past, and it's been a pretty big challenge for me. given that i'm completely neurotic, i normally require the input of every acquaintance i know before i give a guy the green light. everyone has to know all of my business and approve before i make a decision, which normally just stresses me out more. i consulted the people i care about the most, and they were all for it. and after i prayed about it and felt a peace, i was all for it.
my life has been such a whirlwind recently with all the changes going on, but i feel better than i have felt in months. things aren't perfect by any means, but i see direction and i feel pretty confident about where my life is heading. i hate pretending so much, and i hate living under other people's convictions and opinions about my life. for the first time in a while, i have the space to be me and figure out what God has for me without everyone whispering in my ear.

i still get texts and facebook messages and kids approaching me asking about gossip and things they've heard about chipper, and i'm glad i'm in the place where i can understand and give grace to that very small-minded, legalistic attitude. in earlier years, i would have gotten discouraged and gone as far away as i could get from that crap. but being involved in church and learning more about the Christian faith has really encouraged me to be an example in any situation i find myself in. at sherwood, it's hard for the general public to understand when someone pulls back a little in their involvement. people get uncomfortable about it, and they start to assume things without having any information. i know this, because i've done it to people. it's common to alienate and accuse someone rather than confront them with a concern, and even though that's sad and frustrating, i'm not letting it stop me from what the Lord has for me at the church he's called me to attend.

because let's face it, the way i choose to spend my time and the people i choose to spend it with is ultimately between me, God and my parents, because they are the authority in my life until i live on my own or until i'm married. i like to share my life with everyone because i'm an open book, but i don't owe anyone an explanation about who i'm dating or why i've decided to pursue a full-time job that takes time away from the things i was able to do in the summer time.

i truly hate experiencing people waste their energy creating false ideas about what i'm doing, which in turns wastes my energy becoming frustrated with instigators who further unnecessary gossip. it's my hope that the Lord will bring understanding to people in my generation soon that we should build each other up through His love by showing grace and mercy to all people. not just the needy children at gillespie park, but the pregnant girl in the youth group and the Christian friends who have gotten distant and the family member who is disappointing you. grace and mercy aren't just for the people it seems easy and convenient to give them to--it's for everyone. and the Lord calls you to show love through grace and mercy far more times than he calls you to rebuke others in love in His Word.

enough of that soapbox. it's just something that's been bothering me lately, because my happiness would be pretty unbeatable if there wasn't a backlash of silly opinions everytime i look at my phone. i feel pretty joyful right now. i love working at lemonade. i feel successful, because i can give my favorite skills toward my everyday tasks to please my boss. i still love sherwood everything i get to be a part of at sherwood, even if there's awkwardness because of some lack of understanding. and i really enjoy the relationship i'm in. i wrote a blog back in april about what i hoped for in my dating life, and it wasn't just fluff. i look back at that, and chipper has all of the qualities i want in a person (here's the link, if you need a reference: http://erinwhatley.blogspot.com/2010/08/guy-appreciation-101.html).

it's my goal to continue to grow in all seven areas as an individual so that i can be the best person i can be for the Lord and as a girlfriend. faith, sincerity, independence, consideration, kindness, motivation & appreciation. they are all such heavy virtues to uphold that i think it could take me a lifetime to succeed in all seven, but i really do love a challenge. :) nothing could really rain on the erin parade at this point. i'm loving life, and i'm being myself--so i couldn't really ask for more. well, i could use more money...but couldn't we all?

when life gives you lemons...

i'm currently working on a guest blog piece for my friend jonathan, and i've learned it's much harder to write with aim than to just stare at a blank screen and start vomming out words. that's how i work this blog. i feel sorry for people who read it, because it's long paragraphs full of me and all me, all the time. i guess that's where i'll start...

my dad picks on me a lot because i give such detailed explanations of things. i include stupid, vivid details when recalling stories, and i've gotten really self-conscious about it lately. i hate being unaware of how selfish i come across to others. and then i hate being aware of it even more. and then i hate talking about being aware of being selfish, because that seems doubly selfish. what a paradox, huh?

lately, i've tried to be more aware in conversation how much i talk about myself or how much the questions i ask someone are related back to me. i truly care about others, and i enjoy listening and learning about their lives and offering helpful advice. but i can't just rely on those good deeds and pass off my selfish habits. i really want to share relationships with people and not just use them.

for example, casey perkins is my best friend. we have been together since 7th grade, and he knows and understands my tendencies better than most people in my life. i feel like i understand him pretty well, and we make a good pair because we're both very complex and dynamic people. casey understands that i'm completely spontaneous and i will loyally follow a whim at any cost. i'll lose myself in something and forget the people around me, and out of anyone, he's been hurt the most by what many of my friends call my "sketchiness." i'll have the best intentions, but i'll ditch friends and cancel plans to serve myself, and i'll justify it however i can without caring.

just because casey understands this and has endlessly forgiven it over the years doesn't mean that i want to selfishly continue this pattern. starting in 2009ish, i consciously started trying to be more consistent and reliable to the people in my life. i've gotten a lot better, but it's a hard habit to break. being aware of this selfishness and trying to change it hasn't been easy, but casey and friends like him have the care and decency enough to be honest with me about my bad behavior so that i can be better.

i had lunch with casey today, and i don't know what brought it on--but i was just really fascinated and overwhelmed at the progression of our friendship. it hasn't been a perfect ride, but he really means the world to me. he's been the one to stand by my side during two ultra crappy break ups, and he's been so consistently himself throughout my life, and he doesn't act a part to impress other people. even if we don't agree on every opinion, he's always casey--and that's impressive and inspiring. it's hard to be close with casey and not want to be confident in who i am as a person. having that kind of friend in my life makes me a really lucky person.

a lot of people don't understand casey or are intimidated when they meet him, and those people that write him off are really missing out. i can have a good time going out with him or enjoy musing over intellectual ideas with him, and no one gives me more of a forum to be myself. no one friend has earned the right to speak about my relationships like casey has either, because he's pretty much always hit the mark with his evaluations in my life--and no one friend has come over like he has to comfort me in the middle of the night by singing glee karaoke when i've been crappily dumped over the telephone. he listens endlessly about my life and my problems, and we've shared a million fun memories together. so, thank you, casey, for everything you are to me. i love you a ton.

i was musing over all of this today, and i began to wonder if i had truly been as great a friend to casey as he has been to me. probably not, in all honesty. but wondering that, it inspired me to think less of myself, think less about the people who come and go, and stop focusing on mindless drivel that i do day to day. i want to focus on being there and being good to the people who are there and good to me. like casey, lindsey, my parents, anna, shelby, etc. all of my closest friends are givers, and by nature, i am a taker. i want to take steps to be more of a giver in my friendships. i'm feeling very inspired by this, and i hope that one day i will lose a lot of these selfish qualities.

as far as this blog, it's documenting my journey in life, so i'll probably continue to talk about myself here. i mean, that's what it's here for, after all. i started an internship at lemonade marketing firm and i have a really wonderful feeling about it. i'm already taking pride in my work, and i think it's going to bring a lot of growth and learning in my field. it's not what i planned for my life at this point, but clearly it's what God wants--and i'm excited about it. a lot of things are falling into place and i am gaining focus and direction again.

i made the decision to renounce my position as an intern at sherwood. i'm not quitting my activities there, but i just can't give the time like kenny and shelby do. i don't want to make a mockery of what an intern does when i can't keep up with all the events and information. i love the youth, and i will still be serving in relevate and at youth events when possible. i've just been enduring a lot of mental and spiritual stress by trying to juggle everything in my life, and i haven't been able to really serve like i want to for a while. i hate the idea of failing or taking a step back from things, but i think the bigger failure would be to continue in all of these directions when i'm just not capable. it would be selfish to continue an internship simply for the prestige and value of the title when i just can't perform the duties. i'm trying to be wise and prayerful about my decisions, and that one was hard to make. i hope people will understand, but i know that God, my parents and i are all involved in it--so that's all that really matters. that's all i have for today!

tententen.

i missed church this morning. i hate missing church. the past few weeks have been up and down for me, and i think i hit bottom last night. i couldn't sleep, and i just stayed up and searched out what my problem was. i'm really confused and disappointed in myself. i got really unfocused on my relationship with the Lord, and i realized how much i really do lack in being a good person. what i mean is, i can't be good on my own. like, i need the Lord to work in me and through me to be any sort of good--because nothing about me naturally wants to be good.

i'm really a wreck right now. i've taken a few steps backward, and i've been in denial about it. i've allowed things into my mind and my thoughts, and therefore into my actions, that just isn't what i want in life. and it's definitely not what God wants for my life either. through all my hurt, i think i might have hurt people around me, and that disappoints me greatly. however, i'm moving forward and forgiving myself. i can't dwell in this place where i try to control everything and please everyone. i'm just focusing on the Lord and i'm going to take whatever He brings me. that's all really.

i know everyone makes bad choices sometimes. i know i'm human. but for some reason, when it comes to me, i have too much pride to accept that. why do i hold myself to a higher standard? it's so easy for me to show grace and mercy to others, but i have such a difficult time showing it to myself. if God has moved on from it, why don't i allow myself? it's pretty sinful, i guess. so, i've made a resolution to heal from this and stop trying so hard to perform. there are so many situations in my past that i just won't forgive myself for, and i'm devoting some time to sorting through those situations so i can be a better person.

i wrote an earlier blog about being the kind of person that i want my future partner to be--and one of those qualities was sincerity. i'm living under a lot of pretense right now. i'm trying to pretend i'm "up" when i am really, really "down." in all reality, i'm confused, and i've lost a lot of direction. i hate to disappoint everyone who believes in me, but that's truly where i am. i'm working through it, and i am trying to re-evaluate and reinvest my time into the right areas. it's going to take time for me to get through this, but it's something i'm really passionate about fixing. healing isn't fun.

it's much easier to distract myself and justify my human nature, but at the end of the day--my life isn't mine. there's something i'm here on this earth to accomplish, and being selfish just isn't getting that job done. i'm not a failure, and i've got to stop playing around and get to the place i need to be. quite frankly, i don't care who i lose in that endeavor, because they weren't a part of the plan if they have a problem with it. operating in fear is my specialty, and i think that's about to have to go, too.

i know it sounds like someone has died or i've murdered someone or something completely crazy, but it's not really all that surface level. i just stopped caring as much about the One Thing that matters, and i'm really grieved about it. i almost wish i had killed someone and it were that simple to get through--but it's not. there's a lot of depression and deep things going on in my mind and heart. i'm going to be fine, and i immediately feel joyful and hopeful now that i have repented of this situation i've put myself in. i'm promising myself to move slowly in the coming months through everything. more than anything, i want a clear mind and a pure heart as i move into a new year.

i want to be an encouragement to the people around me. i want to make a difference and pour into the people who love me. i want a full life. not full of fun and full of me all the time like i've let occur lately, but full of the joy and purpose that only God can bring. i want to show Christ and be known as someone who tried. i'll never be a perfect example, but i want to have tried my very best to display Him as well as i could. i want to be free of burdens so that i can do the things God directs me toward, and i just haven't been living in that freedom lately. i've been trapped in this weird, repetitive, ungratifying funk of serving only myself. and i was miserable. i'm so thankful for a God who can redeem me from my own weak mind and restore my joy and the meaning in my life. i just don't know how people operate who don't believe in Christ, because without Him my life is a complete void.

stubborn

i tallied the number of times a woman clicked her pen in church this week. it was over 3o times. i try really hard not to let things like that bother me, but i can't help it. it's funny how obsessive i am over repetitions like that. how i have to put the cap of an open pen back on every open pen i see. how i can't use hand sanitizer without having lotion nearby because i hate the way my hands feel. how i get a weird tick when someone tries to touch my ultra-ticklish neck. how come my OCD causes me to be so specific about pointless things? why can't it hinder me from being stupid in the areas that really matter? oh, areas like--oh, gee, i don't know. relationships? people?

i'm a stubborn person, and i will do what i want to do for the most part. usually at my own expense. i feel like when everyone around me feels like strangers that maybe i might admit i'm doing something wrong. when my biggest supporters tell me to ditch a 'friendship' that isn't enough for me, i should probably follow their advice. when i feel sick after hearing that truth but then justify my involvement, i think i prove my foolishness quite a bit.

here's a topic that's been frustrating me recently. i haven't had the guts to write about it, but now i don't care because it's done. i just decided it's not fun anymore, really. it started out easy to put on the facade that i was fine with some pseudo-relationship that i can classify as friendship with no commitments. in fact, that did seem fun. i was convinced that having my cake and eating it was the way to live for a couple of months there. i can have all the perks of having a boyfriend without actually having to deal with one.

it was cool to further my humanistic cynicism that relationships just create hurt and confusion and do nothing but hold me back and bring drama. but deep down, i know i don't truly believe that. i know one day i'll start a friendship that turns into a relationship that will grow and never end. i know that i'm daily turning into a better me for that person, and that's the reason i didn't want to date for a while so that i could be the BEST for that person without distractions--even if i knew him right now, even if i wanted to date him now. i know that a good percentage of the failures in my last relationships have been because i loved the idea of a person instead of the person himself.

trying to pretend that i didn't want a relationship when i truly have these standards was foolish and wasteful. spending time and energy on anyone is a gift. a very precious gift. and when you're giving gifts to someone who doesn't appreciate them, you're the fool. not him. he's just a lucky taker who enjoys not having to work very hard to receive the benefits of your time and energy. who doesn't love attention? i certainly do. why wouldn't a guy show just enough interest to keep an awesome girl around to keep getting that attention? i can't fault him. not that this dude is a mean guy, because he's not. he's a gentleman, a sweet guy. he never did anything mean or wrong, but when someone is willing to disappoint you in small ways, they're willing to disappoint you in big ways--and frankly, that's just not something i'm willing to endure. and when you feel uncomfortable sharing the way you feel and you spend more time being stressed over a friendship than not being stressed, it's probably time to reevaluate your involvement.

i write all this to apologize to the people around me. i was in this toxic, time consuming thing, and it was so fun being distracted for a little bit--but then it was just agonizing because i wasn't able to focus on the things and the people who mean the most to me. it was my fault. i was lonely, and i wanted someone to pretend with. that was stupid. for any girls out there, i encourage you to never pursue something you know will end.

i encourage you to never pursue a guy at all. let him display all the interest, and you get involved at your own discretion, if the guy seems like a promising person who'd be worthy of your time, energy and affection. never stop taking seriously the people you spend your time on. the second you spend time on a person, you give them something very valuable and nonrefundable. when you waste that value, you can easily become bitter and frustrated with that person even though it's not their fault. that's why deep friendships and relationships are so meaningful and can get so sticky.

don't chase a boy. and even if you don't chase him, when he invites you in, don't become a part of only his world. if he's not interested in knowing your friends or becoming any part of your world, you haven't found someone who's "shy" or who's "stuck in his ways" or "not good at making new friends." you've found someone who's not that into you. don't make excuses for him. it seems flattering when someone invites you into their life, but if they aren't willing to share or give back in the same respect, they're either selfish or lazy--or both. and more than that, he's not interested in you, or else he'd be falling all over himself to know everything about your life and your friends.

and don't ever mistake courtesy for curiosity. he may send a text or two to ask how your day was, but if it never gets past surface level, he's just maintaining whatever he thinks it requires to keep you appeased and in his world. guys don't have to be anything more than simple to keep a girl around, because the girl will play all the games for him. all a guy has to do is decide what a girl desires and display a fraction of that desire toward the girl, and she'll convince herself of anything if she likes a guy enough. some marriages make themselves this way, i'm convinced. when a girl is willing to make excuses, she's willing to accept dating someone who is not enough for her. and if she's willing to be addicted to a toxic relationship, she's willing to compromise who she is for the comfort of someone who isn't worthy.

don't be that girl. it's easy to be that girl. games are fun. i love card games. i'm so competitive. but when i get done playing rummy or basketball, i can put up the cards and i can pack up the ball. but when i'm playing with my own mind and my time and my emotions, i can't just turn it all off at the end of the day. it's really foolish to even involve yourself with someone who you can't see yourself getting serious with.

and when someone you've invested your hopeful, precious time into looks at you and says, "i just don't want anything serious right now" you should run--fast, in the other direction as far as you can in the other direction and probably never accept contact from that person again. because that person was able to take full stock of all of your qualities and tell you that you just weren't interesting enough to date exclusively, but that he'd still like to have you around for fun. and you're better than being someone's fun. at the end of the day, i want to go to bed knowing i spent my time being respected, effective, inspiring, loving, loved, liked, understood, and meaningful to the people i invest in. not just fun. fun is good in its place, but just don't let that be the one definition a man wants to give you.

i've been pretty down since before my birthday about this. i wanted someone to want to date me that i didn't even want to date. haha, that's a paradox, i know. i was displaying a lot of interest in a guy i wouldn't normally be into, and my games didn't always work, so i just tried to make him want to be interested in me more. which in turn just failed, made me more interested, and obviously made him more frustrated (and i'm sure entertained from all the attention). the truth is, i was bored and feeling lonely when all this began. i thought it'd be fun. and now, like i opened with, it's not fun anymore. it seemed harmless enough, and there really isn't a whole lot of damage done besides the fact that i'm wasting my time.

it was cheap to waste time on someone i had little intention for in my future. that was selfish and wrong. i have the stamina to get ready and wait for a someone who is worthwhile, meets my standards, and completely interested in me. and while i was not ready and waiting, i tried to ignore some pretty worthwhile guys who attempted to hang out with me. don't miss out on great people, because you're too blinded by something lame.

a new friend of mine who probably won't think they play a part in this at all has really given me hope lately. the care with which they interact with me and even the things they say and do in passing really impress me. they remind me why i want to be authentic and the best version of me, and i feel like i'm on my toes again for the first time in a while. people like that make it easy to forget games and silly situations like the one i've discussed here at length. maybe i'll get the chance to thank that person if they become more a part of my life. either way, i don't think it's a coincidence that an encouragement would come at just the right time. it must be the Lord.

i took the time to write this not only as an apology and a limited, lame explanation of where my time was being spent last month--but i wrote it as a warning of sorts, in hopes that others will be inspired to move out of situations that just aren't enough. it doesn't have to be dating. it can be a job or a habit or a friendship. if it's a timesucker, and it's not showing you equivalent respect--it's time to reevaluate at least.

this blog isn't meant to bash anyone but myself for my own decisions, so please don't interpret it in any other way. i started this blog in vomit-worthy honesty, and it wouldn't be fair to withhold just because it's less personal business for other parties. i guess i should make any closely involved family and friends sign a consent waiver for my blog. yep, i'll remember to do that next time. great idea. until next time.

i'm trying

and for the record, that last post makes me never want to blog again.
i just didn't like posting that for some reason. i get angry thinking about the people who will roll their eyes or give me unwarranted advice on how i should handle my life and these issues.
i don't even know who i write for anymore on this blog, because it was clearly directed a specific audience months ago, but now i just feel vulnerable when i write feelings. especially current ones. and i don't feel like i can be honest and say what i want to say, because i'm not writing certain things to avoid certain audiences, which again makes me feel like i'm not being honest.
clearly, this is my issue and no one is at fault for reading my blog.
i guess i'm just mad because i still don't have the courage to be honest.
i'm tired of playing games all the time. knowing human nature so well is sometimes not a gift. being able to put on faces to motivate people to certain outcomes seems like it would be a very profitable gifting, but i get so caught up in it sometimes that i lose myself.
i'm trying so hard to be myself. and i feel like it's bad that i have to do that. try.

a

i've been meaning to blog, but i haven't known what to say. today is my mom's birthday. tomorrow is my dad's. years are passing so much faster now. it's odd, really.
hmmm. what to say...
i've started to write a blog a few times, but i just haven't wanted to be very introspective lately. it gets exhausting. i was so deeply inside of my thoughts this summer that it made me lose touch with reality. i mean, it was good for me to do that with where i was, but it's been a really weird transition.
i am finally begining to realize the little protective bubble i had myself in for a few months there. i would stay at home most of the summer unless i was gone on a trip. and even when i was on trips, i would shut down a lot. except for washington, which was why it was completely exhausting mentally and emotionally for me. that's when things changed, i guess. i sort of created a new life with new friends and avoided anyone from my past who i'd have to answer questions from.
i'm finally hanging out with my friends again. i avoided casey and lindsey for awhile, and now they're back in my world. i'm hanging out with some old friends and new friends. for the past month, my life has been consumed with "fun," i guess. my little bubble was really legalistic and full of work to no end. seeing my friends made me miss all the careless fun that makes up so much of who i am. not that i enjoy wasting time, but i like to be able to spend time with people i love without working on a time-consuming project. and the latter was my summer.
neither of these extremes are a good place for me. the legalistic bubble just made me tired. i was effective at doing good, but how much was i examining and taking in from my awesome experiences? not a lot, and that's pretty shameful. i took on too much, because i'm an eager overacheiver with many abilities. and i got tired. so then i made it to the other extreme of just letting it all go for a little while in order to be irresponsible and have fun doing what i wanted to do. not really caring if i let people down, shutting down my intellect so i could just enjoy trivialities. i'm aware of how dangerous that is as well.
i've been really depressed lately. just completely emotionally exhausted over all of this whirlwind recently. see, because being legalistic, i was able to pretend that i was as put-together as i looked like. but when i'm self-seeking, everyone sees the disappointing weaknesses i have. having so many friends and people i see everyday makes me happy, but when i'm depressed and when i can't be impressive, i hate it. it makes me even more depressed, because i feel like i'm making a fool out of myself for everyone to see.
i know not everyone really notices or cares, but some people do. my parents have noticed. shelby has noticed. my kids at church have noticed. i'm pretty involved with a guy i like, and i've over-analyzed everything to death so much so that i've really frustrated him a few times. so even he's noticed. i'm back to the same lesson i can never learn--that i can't please everyone. i've backed out on some opportunities lately, and it's been hard. but it's been necessary. my focus on God is flawed. it's not as directed as it should be. it's scattered between people i love and commitments to service and ministry, and i just can't juggle it all anymore.
i'm finding that balance, and i can honestly say that today i'm feeling more joyful that i've felt in a long time. i'm tired of not being myself to everyone. i'm a mess of a person. i have issues. i believe the worst of every situation. i'm currently over-analyzing every situation in my life so much that i can't enjoy any of it. but i'm making a conscious effort to breathe and not punish all the awesome people in my life right now for the damage someone else has done to me in the past.
this post was scattered. i guess i'm just trying to say that i like knowing myself. i like being introspective. i like analyzing people. but it gets exhausting when i'm ever changing and people are ever changing. i can't keep going in cycles of introspection and shallow living. i have to find a balance, because it's super destructive and confusing to the people around me.
ps: the movie "devil" was pretty awesome.

happy birthday to me. :)

life lately. hmmmm.

i found out today that i'm losing my job in a month. i thought i might have more time that that, but i'm trying not to worry. who am i kidding? i feel like i'm about to faint just thinking about it. it's such a struggle for me to find peace that God wasn't surprised by this and that he has it under control.

all i can think about is that i need money to pay for gas, to pay for my weekly shots, and to pay for my compassion international sponsorship. it was just a blow in the face when i wasn't expecting it. i thought i was stable until christmas at least, but it'll work out. happy birthday to me...woohoo!

speaking of, i turn 22 in six days. i can hardly believe it. where did this year go? everything has moved so quickly! 22 is such a weird age. i feel old. i'm getting farther away from my teenage years, but i still feel like a teenager in so many ways.

i've been having so much fun lately. i love all the "me" time i've had to live my life. i'm old enough and alone enough to make decisions now, and i love the freedom. it's not something i've gone crazy with by any means. i can travel on a plane up the coast or i can hop in the car to drive to valdosta for the weekend. i'm responsible for me, and i don't have any dead weight to drag along behind me.

so much of what i did throughout the summer was still based on my previous relationship. i was still subconsciously living under that person's requirements, and don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad arrangement. but is it truly me? are these my values? are these my desires? is this how i truly feel about the issues in my world?

in my search for sincerity and my genuine nature, i think i'm far enough away from that situation mentally to begin exploring these ideas. in fact, i know i'm far enough away, because i started doing it without even realizing.

it's all a part of healing. see, i've never consciously seen myself through the grieving process far enough to know that there are other steps to healing. see, grief is all about survival. it's an agonizing process, where you balance somewhere between drowning in a puddle of self-pity, worthlessness, depression, and jealousy; and distracting yourself without becoming unhealthy or shallow.

after grieving comes rebuilding. how do i take the things i learned in my relationship and apply them to who i truly am? not that i wasn't myself in the relationship, but i did compromise of myself to share life so deeply with another human being. that's why serious relationships are so...serious. they take from you. they change you.

so, how much were the decisions i made really my own? how much of a thought was truly mine or just a means to impress or pacify another person? these are really hard questions to answer. i have to really explore myself and possibly admit to living a lie. pretention isn't easy to admit, especially when it's been running two years deep in your life.

because when i was 20-21, knowing myself wasn't important. all i cared about was knowing who i should be with. knowing the truth wasn't important to me. it was all about finding someone who might know the truth. if you've been there you'll understand me. if you're not an introspective intellectual, you probably aren't following my discourse, but that's OK. now the truth is so evident. Christ. He is so deeply rooted in me now. in the way i think and in the things i do. his mysteries are so much more vast, and i can no longer remember what it was like to so shallowly ponder Him as i did back then. i knew Him then, but i know Him better now.

knowing that truth makes me want to know myself. i put on so many faces. i'm such a good actor that it's a wonder i don't have an academy award by now. i'm such a melting pot of everyone around me and everyone i've ever known. i don't even have my own laugh or my own accent, because i take on whoever i'm around the most.

i'm excited about this phase of life i'm in. it's a little scary and i could make some weird mistakes. however, it feels good to be able to live life focusing on God and on myself. without my focus on anyone else, i feel like i can be honest about my flaws and my convictions. even though there is someone in my life that i'm into, it's something different. i'm completely myself, and i'm just enjoying whatever it is. i'm not changing me to make things work, and i've never had more fun getting to know someone without trying to force it into something too quickly. it may not work out, but it's refreshing and i'm into it.

so happy birthday to me. :)

guy appreciation 101

some things i've written on this blog in recent past may not be completely honest assumptions of myself. maybe i'm just a victim of nostalgia, but either way--i'm not as confidently healed as i thought i was over some issues.

so, shelby & i talked about making a list of qualities we want in our future partners, but we never really did it--or at least we didn't do it together. i thought it was a humorous idea, so i started thinking about it. i dug up some wacko "boyfriend checklist" i had designed on myspace two or three years ago. it made me giggle. some of the stuff on the list was valid, but most of it consisted of what a guy could do for me. as my focus has shifted to the Lord, and as I have also grown up a lot in the past three years--i realize that relationships aren't simply about having a puzzle-piece companion.

in both of my long-term relationships, i rarely ever looked outside of myself to see who they truly were. when i would feel intellectual, i'd comment on it, but i wouldn't really receive a response. i guess they couldn't understand what i was trying to convey, because it was an issue with my selfishness. see, i'm good at appreciating someone on the shallowest levels:

"oh, what a lovely picture."
"you're so kind-hearted."
"you were good playing bass tonight."
"thanks for bringing me ice cream."

but it's always been about me. i appreciate the things i can relate to, and i forget the rest unless i have to. the things that bothered me, i would try to alter rather than just appreciating them & learning from them.

"he should be more intellectual and intelligent. maybe if he changed his major to something smarter? maybe if we read books together?"
"he should be more social. maybe i can force him to enjoy my friends?"

so, i say all that to say that i've started making my list of qualities i'd like in a man, but i've done it with a twist. rather than creating an imaginary man full of impossible details--i'm making a list of qualities i would like to have for my future partner that i would also like him to possess. i figure that makes the most sense, and i really can't believe i haven't had the revelation sooner.

Here's what I have so far:

#1: FAITH: evident & active belief in Christ--the stuff that grows, the stuff that shows.
#2: SINCERITY: speaking & acting how I truly feel.
#3: INDEPENDENCE: having a grasp on myself beyond a relationship.
#4: CONSIDERATION: hand-in-hand with independence; to think of you before i make important decisions.
#5: KINDNESS: showing goodness, tenderness & concern.
#6: MOTIVATION: inspired to grow in all areas, especially those that influence the well-being of the Faith & the home.
#7: APPRECIATION: understanding & loving all, so that I can truly encourage strengths & show patience with weaknesses.

it's a far cry from: "must be attractive & in shape. must have good personal hygene. must understand i'm a nut who wears crazy clothes." yea, that reaaally happened (i'm shaking my head, too). the two of these qualities i'm marginally good at are independence & motivation. i have faith, but i'm cautious to ever feel successful in acheiving anything faithwise--because it's a neverending journey.
i feel sincere most of the time, but i often tell people what they want to hear. i like buttering people up, so that they associate positive energy with me. so i need a lot of work. i'm independent, and i always will be. maybe i'm too good at this one--as in, i'm pretty selfishly ambitious and sometimes all my activities have ruined past relationships. maybe i should take some focus off of that and put it into some of the other categories.
consideration--bleh. i'm terrible at this. i've never had to care how others feel about my decisions, because i grew up alone and did what i wanted. it's so far from me naturally to care, and my inconsiderate nature is usually the reason my relationships end. i really have to get on the ball with working on that, or i'll be 50 & single.
i'm pretty kind, but again, it's usually for the good of myself, not true goodness. i want to be deeply concerned with another being. i've had such trouble connecting like that in the past. motivation, i've got it until i get bored. i need to be more balanced, stable and willing to do undesirable things for the good of others.
and last, but not least, appreciation. i'm no good at this one. i can appreciate a beautiful physique. a talent that i find attractive. intellectual people who connect with me mentally & emotionally. but when it comes to truly knowing someone--knowing their heart, knowing their hurts, knowing their motives, knowing their tendencies--when it comes to understanding someone and knowing them outside of how the affect me and my life, i fail.

that's the one i'm starting to focus on: appreciation. i'm going to attempt to know the people already in my life on a deeper level as practice. i wrote all of this, because i hope i can comment on my progress in later posts. we'll see what happens!

full.

if i were trying to have some sort of eat, pray, love-esque adventure while i was here in Boston, i'd have failed miserably. the pray and the love have gone well, obviously. it's the eat part that's failed me. i've tried so much wonderful food, but like always, i can't enjoy it. i'm so tired of being consumed with how much i weigh. i pay $25 a week to have someone measure my weight loss and to get vitamin shots that help my metabolism stay boosted. who does that?!

i mean, i like someone keeping me accountable. i like having a record of my victories and of my failures as far as health, so i can't lie to myself and all that jazz. most people act surprised when i tell them i weighed 230 pounds in eighth grade. i guess that's a good thing. i'm just so paranoid all the time. if i eat more than one big meal a day, i force myself to take a fiber pill and drink at least four glasses of water and i walk or jog or aerobicise myself into oblivion. i can't just enjoy living and letting go every once in a while.

i get paranoid and obsessed over the possibility of gaining even a pound over the course of a vacation week. it's really embarrassing. it's embarrassing when my friends tell me i have an issue, whether it's because i'm not eating enough, "forgetting" meals so that my waist stays as small as possible in an outfit, or lamenting a larger meal i allowed myself to cave in and enjoy.

when i look at myself, i see a fat girl. i see an unattractive blown-up figure that i can't undo in my brain. i compare myself to others endlessly. i find sitting positions that i feel flatter my body more. i buy my clothes two sizes too big in case i gain a pound or two, so no one will notice. i find clothing fits and styles that i think make me look thinner than reality, and i buy that outfit in every color. i have a walk-closet packed with clothes due to this obsession, and it's terribly sinful.

because i lost weight so quickly and unhealthily in high school--around 65 pounds in a summer--and my weight has constantly fluctuated since then, i have what i think is hideous looking excess skin all over my body. i especially hate my arms. i feel like i have freaking wings hanging off of me. it's the same on my legs and my stomach. i want it removed more than anything, but i feel so guilty spending that kind of money on something so vain.

i feel guilty for all the things i've mentioned in this post. how can i be so vain? how can i care so much about this shell of who i am? after all, my body really is the shell. it isn't me. i don't always hate it, but the majority of the time i do. i get so neurotic over my appearance. i have a horrible habit of going into dressing rooms and picking at my face. i can't stop myself either once i've started. it's like i'm solving all the problems in my world by clearing up my face, aka making my face look like a used battlefield. most of my lifelong friends have seen my face in this condition. it's usually when i'm down about my weight that i do this to my face, because i feel like if i can have my face looking flawlessly no one will notice how hideous my body is. no one will notice that i picked an outfit that makes me look ugly today. maybe if i'm loud and funny enough, no one will notice my nasty arms when i raise my hand.

i'm really down about this today. i thought i had gotten much better than i used to be over this obsession, but i'm not. i've spent thousands of dollars on diets and working out. on clothes. on things that prolong my awful vanity. i did crunches in bed last night at 2 AM, because i had a few scoops of ice cream before bed. i did secret arm curls on the bus today, because i'm especially hating my arms right now.

i know i'm neurotic. i suffer from OCD, just not the kind you'd think. it's a sadder kind, where you obsess over issues, and worries are the compulsion. typical anxiety disorder. we diagnosed it a few years ago. i should probably take some sort of medicine or go to some sort of counseling, but i really hope i can give this to the Lord and let Him help me fix it. i think it's my deepest-rooted sin. this tragic vanity. i hope one day, i'll be able to enjoy what i eat and savor the meals i eat throughout life--healthily, of course.

it's just been on my mind today. i'm in cambridge right now at vux school of music watching jamie teach lessons. we're going to a jewish deli later. i've had such a wonderful time here decompressing and learning. i feel very replenished spiritually and mentally, and i don't want to lose that when i get home. i want to take in as much as i give out. not give of myself to oblivion and then take in all my toxic escape habits to "get away." i'm actually glad to be heading home. it's funny, because i was glad to leave, because life was getting crazy. everything seemed to be getting beyond my control, and now i feel like things are more clear. i'm looking forward to seeing my people, my parents, a boy, my cat, my kids, my life. i'm very grateful for all i have and for all i have experienced in my life. it's full, and that gives me joy.

newberry

this trip has really inspired me. intellectually, culturally, artistically, individually. i'm here with my aunt and uncle, but i took this trip alone. that's big for me. as an only child, i require my time alone daily. that's why i'm so scared to get married one day. could i end everyday with another person always being there? blech. but that's another story. the point is that even with my intense desire to be alone as an only child, i've always been very dependent on others in my actions.

i'm spoiled and overprotected, so i never experienced many huge events alone in life. i always relied on someone else to walk with me through situations as a crutch. i hated making people my crutch, because i'm so strong-willed & self-centered that we'd always do what i wanted. sara, kyle, justin, mom, & dad--this trip is for you. you all put up with that crap through the longest spans of time, so thanks.

my blood pressure went a little crazy today after lunch. it's been getting really low or shooting up high or something weird for the past six months. my eyes start vibrating back and forth, i get dizzy, my body feels tingly, and i feel a little sick and dizzy when it's really bad. it's sort of like vertigo. i had to go sit down and rest rather than going to harvard with jamie, and i ended up walking around the city by myself when i felt better. it was really...normal.

i guess i'd always thought being on my own in some strange place would feel like a novelty, and though it was cool, i felt the same as i do walking around the mall in albany. i felt the same way walking around the airport. i've felt the same way about walking through my life everyday. i don't feel like i'm in survival mode, but that's definitely how i'm living. it's not that i'm jaded or anything. i'm still fascinated and completely enjoying my world. i'm just taking it all in more calmly, and when i come to a time to make decisions, i make one and go with it. i don't get bothered as easily with worries i used to normally ponder over. it feels cool, but it's definitely not me. i'm just not this open to life usually.

these blogs are starting to suck. this is a "me" thing--stopping in the middle of a situation to evaluate what's going on, because i'm paranoid. i'm just so introspective at this point in my life that i can't even tell a story without turning it back to myself. sorry for the self-centeredness. but it's my blog, and you don't have to read it. :p

moving on, i got caught up looking around. i walked for hours. i shopped a little. i went into a cool comics store. i got my parents some neat, funny little things. i got a hair clip. i got a shirt. i met some people, and a guy from save the children asked for my number to hang out later. i met some homeless people and felt awful for not having any change. i saw two guys on the bus speaking in ASL, and i wanted to join--but i just don't know enough yet. totally revived my interest in studying sign language. i saw a beautiful muslim girl and two lesbians involved in some heavy PDA on the train. things you don't see often in albany.

i watched people walking up and down the sidewalk. oh, the sidewalk. we don't have many of those in albany. and the people. the business suits, the real grunge scene, the too-trendy outfits, the headphones, the cigarettes, the combat boots, the bags, the pets, the children running to catch up. i would have taken photos if i had the guts to be so invasive. it's really a tradegy i can't document it more vividly than this blog. hearing the feet walking on the floor above us. listening to the city so clearly moving all night outside of my window. ambulances, glass breaking on the sidewalk, voices shouting, laughing, bass booming from every direction.

i saw so many things i would have loved to share with people back home. so many gifts i could have bought. some for people i don't really have an opportunity to see anymore. some for people it might be awkard to give a gift to. i saw so much that reminded me of the people who make up my life currently, or who have contributed into making me who i am. it made me sentimental today. i heard cole's song blasting out of a shop, and i went in just to listen, and i got choked up for the first time in a while. i'll hear it pretty often, and it doesn't always get me--but i guess being here and missing people back home and people who aren't in my life anymore really got me missing him. it's weird how his death can feel so new in a moment.

anyway, i feel revived now. this trip has done me a world of good. i've looked inside myself. not everything in there is good. not everything in there is complete whole or healed, but i'm working on it. i've been able to get some clear vision about some things going on in my world, and i'm feeling relaxed. i hope to go back to albany with a stronger grasp on the things i should be a part of. i can't be overextended. this trip has been so much about watching only. i need more time to watch, to learn, to experience. doing and serving and running just make a shell of who i should be.

anyway, enough blabbing. i don't even know if i said what i wanted to say, but we're going out to harper's ferry to hear a band play. then dinner, then midnight movie maybe. it's supposed to be a rad friday night. :)

maps

i'm in boston right now. i can't believe i actually flew here by myself. i would have never done this in college. i was always dependent on the relationship i was in back then, and i would have never had the guts to navigate my way here alone. it was so freeing to know i had the capability to make it across so many states alone. i didn't need anyone to hold my hand. another thing that would normally hold me back is leaving situations at home behind. i remember going to london in high school while i was dating nathan. i wondered what he was doing the entire trip, which makes me feel so lame now. i have so much more confidence in who i am now that if anything will have drastically changed when i get home, i'll just shrug my shoulders about it.

it's so tragic, really--all the things i missed out on in college. going to visit my friends in other states, mission trips, making friends of all kinds and partaking in other fun adventures. i chose to stay wrapped up in my silly relationships, when i had them, and i compromised so much of who i was to please those people. it feels good to make up for it now. i like the freedom of making my own decisions without having to clue my boyfriend in to make sure it's OK by him. bleh! how could i ever live three years like that?! i never did anything inappropriate during my relationships, so why did i ever feel the need to ask for permission? i've been single for four months now, and i don't feel lonely. my life is full, and even if i were sitting in my bed every night doing nothing, i think i'd still feel great. i've gotten a better grasp on who i am, because i've really focused on myself. i know my limits, and i feel like i can honestly evaluate who i am every day.

so, here's been my struggle. the topic i've described as "vague" these past few blogs. i'm far away from my life right now, so i'm feeling brave about discussing it. boys. the men in my life. i tried really hard not get myself mixed up in any romantic crap while i processed my break up, and i did really, really well. however, i was interested in someone toward the end of the summer. i'm pretty positive it was an unrequited thing, but i still had hopes about it that i only admit to shelby. that person isn't in my life anymore really, yet i felt so intensely about it. just a weird situation that i don't want to be too specific about or else i'll be embarrassed. i was confused (and still am), so i decided at the beginning of the month that maybe i focus on attention from guys too much, and maybe it's time to cut dating out of my life for a while just like i successfully cut other distractions previously. i'd advise anyone to tread carefully when thinking about making that decision, because you have to really, really mean it.

i'm glad i didn't tell a ton of people i was pursuing that, because i'm not succeeding. there's someone in my life right now, and i really don't know what to think of it. i don't want to know what i should think of it, honestly, because i enjoy not knowing. i feel like a dude sometimes, because most girls are always trying to have the DTR ("define the relationship") talk with a guy and i absolutely hate them. i feel like if i saw one of those coming, i'd close my ears and start yelling jibberish to drown it out. that's how much i hate them. that's how my last relationship started nearly two years ago--with a premature DTR chat, and we all see how that worked out. so, i guess i may not be failing my "no dating" deal, because i'm definitely not trying to get into a serious relationship. i don't want to be cynical about it. everyone knows how much i LOATHE cynicism about life, but i just can't trust things anymore. i'd rather look at romance as a joke or as a game. it seems like that's all it is anyway, because you generally lose if you don't play your cards right. when i keep it on the surface like that, i won't get hurt.

keeping my sarcasm up front and my feelings as far back as possible has been working out. for the most part. that's the part i'm not willing to write about for everyone to see. what i wrote today is very raw, and i'm sure it may seem scary to some people. don't worry about me though. i really am OK. dating is in no way my focus in life right now. my focus is me. and my relationship the Lord. i also know that my current view on dating is screwed up. i'm working on it...maybe. when i feel like it. i think it's understandable to be in this place sometimes. i just wanted to mention that i was aware of it being an unhealthy view before anyone prescribed me some counceling. i just felt like it was unfair to blog so vaguely here recently when i've been so vomit-worthy honest throughout my other posts. blogs aren't fun to read if they aren't full of juice, so i'm trying to bare all.

clearrrllyyyy.

everyone's writing notes about summer. i like trends, so i'm joining the club. i wrote a note last summer highlighting some of my favorite moments & lessons, so why not repeat?

1. i spent most of my summer living out of a suitcase, and i loved it.
2. i still owned the leggings this summer. i will wear them every season for the rest of eternity. mark my words.
3. it's OK to build relationships with people who aren't going to be a constant in my life. people come & go in life, and it's important to learn what i can from them while i can.
4. i have a solitaire addiction worthy of an mtv true life episode. not even lying.
5. i will be marrying charlie hall...if he's not already married. why can't anyone give me a straight answer on his relationship status?!
6. i started drinking brewed coffee. who knew i'd get boring like that? goodbye, chai.
7. i finished school! i'm watching everyone else worry about buying books while i'm starting my vacation. i can't belive it!
8. feeling complete & satisfied with God as an individual is my ultimate need & goal for the upcoming months.
9. i made five awesome friends who changed my life: Shelby Nichols, Jamie Joyce, Brittany Whyte, Kenny Miller, & Logan Phillips. they made my summer even more epic than it already was.
10. nertz/pounce/dutch blitz is the best game on the planet.
11. i got to see my lifelong best friend, anna dorminey, when i went to DC. seeing her always makes me feel like home.
12. "clearly"--the title of my note. typical me.
13. i started hanging out with my beebop, ivy laing, and katy jane this summer, and i love them to pieces. they are such blessings.
14. i can't believe it took me so long to get to thursday night Bible studies at the Bennetts.' oh, what a fun time i've had getting to know the Bible study crew & learning more about the Word.
15. i love Sherwood youth. i love them. i love them. i love them. i love working with youth, in general, but these kids steal my heart.
16. i saw the oil spill firsthand. i still have oil on my tennis shoes from a nice jog on the beach. it broke my heart for all the sea life that suffered & for all the damage done.
17. i'm sponsoring a four year-old little boy named Rewat through Compassion International. maybe one day i'll meet him. :)
18. hearing David Platt speak at camp rocked my world. he explained God in ways that i hadn't thought about, & i left feeling humbled & challenged.
19. i met some phenomenal kids at the Merrick Center in DC & in Baltimore. serving on tour has impacted me for a lifetime.
20. ben only made me cry one time while we played nertz this summer, which clearly means it was a successful summer.
21. sitting on the front row and watching shane & shane sing "embracing accusation" was unbelievable.
22. the five hour car ride to south carolina with jamie joyce was epic. first IKEA experience. unbreakable blackberries. dreams. gangsta rap. sum 41. and good talks. a definite summer highlight.
23. the short lived friend nights with brittany bonnell & smalec edwards were great. i never stop laughing around them.
24. thanks to everyone who spread the news about how ticklish my neck is. i've started to not get embarrassed when i fall to the ground and get forced into the fetal position while being attacked. i owe it all to you guys.
25. my stuffed animal, bob the tomato, went with me on every overnight trip, only because moo moo mr. cow & sherbert the bear had to stay at the house.
26. grits lost most of her hair this summer. i still have no idea why.
27. my mom & dad celebrated 25 years of marriage in august.
28. i'm really glad i met tiffany bailey this summer. she's an amazing person.
29. i found out that people actually actively read my blog this summer, which embarrasses me a little. it is what it is.
30. stimulus tuesdays made this summer possible. inception=movie of the summer, say what?
31. this summer was brought to you by harvest moon. i ate there at least twice a week--when i was in town.
32. i lost ten pounds this summer. eighteen pounds since last year. i'm feeling much healthier.
33. butts & guts came back into my life, as well as a little zumba. we're going to be friends for a long time.
34. casey perkins & lindsey stewart understand me better than most people, and this summer was no exception. i didn't get to see them much in july, but they bring me so much joy.
35. i can count on both hands the number of times i swam this summer. sad.
36. i had a cyster. she is finally dead, austin mobley. let her rest in peace.
37. i learned how to ride a bike in june!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
38. i hit my first hole-in-one ever playing putt-putt.
39. i slept on busses for a total of eighteen hours this summer. i really appreciate my bed since then.
40. i learned that God will lead me if i stay content & stop trying to force my own path into creation.
41. i also learned that proximity does not equal intimacy. i'll be chewing on that one for a while.
42. i painted three canvases for the Courageous movie set. being asked to sit down and paint felt like being asked to spend a million dollars on myself.
43. i think i met over 100 people this summer. expanding my world & my friendships like this has been such an awesome experience.
44. mission days at gillespie park were so cool to be a part of. i miss jonathan running around hitting people, and i miss holding zah-zah in my arms.
45. i learned that it is better to deal with hurtful situations in life as promptly as possible and as healthily as possible. even though it isn't fun in the moment, it frees me up later from having deeply-rooted scars.
46. i also learned that i can overcome anything, not that i'd like to test that theory. it takes perserverance, but overcoming obstacles or failures is possible when you allow the Lord to take control.
47. even though the Lord has used me & accomplished some things through me this summer, i am no better a human being than anyone else on this earth. i am still just as unworthy of salvation, and i cannot live each day without God's grace, because i'll always be a crappy sinner without the Lord leading my life. i aim to always walk humbly.
48. the grubbs & the hands are awesome. i'm glad i get to spend the next year with both of them working for Garrett & Stephen.
49. i learned that the stupid charms people stick in crocs are called jibbitz, and i laugh everytime i think about it. thanks, case.
50. it's OK that i find cargo shorts & crocs unattractive. i never asked you to like my leggings. wear what you want.

this list doesn't really sum up the immense amount of fun i had this summer or the true depth of things i learned, but it's fun to keep a record for memory's sake. i didn't mention every impactful person by name, but you know i love you. and at the top of the list, i appreciate my boss, mary beth, at heritagebank for allowing me to have a flexible schedule while i pursued all my travels and things this summer. i'll never forget it.
thanks to everyone who made summer 2010 rule.
have fun at school, suckaaas! ;)
love ya, mean it.

oh, here it goes again.

is monday really coming around again? life is so full right now, and it's going by so quickly. i'm officially a student ministry intern at sherwood. i'm pretty excited to be a part of what the Lord is doing there. i hesitated working with youth ministry for so long after my first internship experience at another church years ago, but i really feel like the Lord wants me to take on the commitment. i've learned so much since then, and i know i'm going to learn a ton through this experience. i finally have the time now that school is done for me, and i can focus on what the Lord wants for more life. i decided not to go to grad school just yet. i'm going to take a season to seek out the right career path before i move forward. i'm always so overly eager to make decisions and move forward, and i just think it's appropriate to sit back and be satisfied where the Lord has me right now.

now i just have to worry about managing my time and finding the right balance of serving and learning. i'm the kind of person who gets so caught up in serving effectively that i'll give up a lot of time i could spend learning and growing in my personal faith. i'm determined to find the appropriate balance. i'm still working at the bank, and i'll start substitute teaching soon. i laugh at myself when i say these things. i never thought i would be where i am right now, but here i am. i've got other things brewing inside of my right now, too. some good things, some hard things.

i guess i can update on the most infamous theme of my blog--the break up. it hasn't been mentioned in a while, i know, and for good reason. i don't think about it anymore. sometimes, i feel like i should think about it or be sad about it, but i'm not anymore. i genuinely feel complete and satisfied in being single. i don't want a relationship in any kind of foreseeable future, and honestly, i couldn't fit anyone into my life right now if i tried. having this summer alone, and being able to give of myself and let God work in me like He did this summer, was the best thing that could have happened to me. i say i can't believe the point my life is at right now, but now that i'm here, i can't imagine it any other way. i feel like i'd be totally miserable in any other station in life. i'm so grateful to have gone through the seemingly endless hurt i felt this summer, because now i feel neutral about the entire situation. feeling this way about past relationships has taken many more months, maybe even over a year. i've learned that dealing with emotional situations promptly is hard, but it's worth it. it's not that scary anymore now that i've been through this summer.

i'm so grateful for the people in my life. i really don't deserve what i've been given.

step by step.

my heart is heavy today. i'm more hopeful than i imagined, but this still isn't a fun feeling. i'm doing my best to rest in the peace of God's plan. i don't know why i feel the need to write about something vaguely that i don't plan on discussing. a lot is changing in my heart, and time will give me answers.

i made a bad choice this week. it wasn't earth-shattering, but it reminded me how weak i am. relying on God is important. don't get proud in your accomplishments, and don't think that because of your acheivements within the faith that you aren't just as unworthy a sinner as you were when God drew you to Him. i am unworthy. i can fail in an instant. it is not within me to succeed in righteousness. it is only the Lord who can mold me and sanctify my life. i feel so full of myself right now that it makes me sick. i need to pursue the Lord in the deepest parts of myself and my desires. it's easy to find contentment. it's easy to say cheap words. i want to fill my life with His meaning.

i'm deeply burdened with pursuing this depth in my life, but it's quite possibly the hardest pursuit i've ever started. it's tiring and never-ending. i continuously fail, some failures more altering than others. i'm in a familiar place in life where i can retreat or advance. i will advance, but it's scary how close retreating became a possibility. we all need to humbled sometimes to remind us that it's not within ourselves. we must trust the Lord.

sigh.

why am i wearing this?

klondike

i've learned a lot from my recent addiction to solitaire. it really is an issue, by the way. i started it about a month or two ago. the simplicity of the game draws me in, because it helps me escape from the stress of larger, more important decisions. it's a cop out. i also enjoy how the fifty cards i play with can be formed in any order, making some games impossible to win and others boringly easy to complete. i like gaining speed in choosing to play cards correctly. i like the way an empty playing table looks after i've won. i like the joy of several consecutive winning streaks. i like letting my brain imagine the most trivial things as i let it turn to mush over such a silly game. but my favorite solitaire situation is when there are two of the same card on the playing table, and i can only decide to move one of them. the consequences of this situation can be moot or be so extreme it causes an immediate loss.

this situation is so thrilling for me. sometimes i imagine it being a larger decision occuring in my life. when i'm imagining that, i flip cards as quickly as possible, almost mocking the way i truly make decisions. sometimes, i get serious about the game. if i've been winning a lot and i'm trying to break a streak, i really begin to care (a little too much) about the game. the choice begins to mean something to me. now, yes--i am admitting how utterly insane i am today on the blog, but no one call the psych ward yet, please. i find this situation to be such a perfect illustration for life. yes, i'm reading way, way too into the solitaire game if i'm making an allegory out of stupid computer game. however, it just fascinates me that sometimes, our decisions can be so important. two roads diverged means never ending up in the proper place if you choose to travel the wrong one. then there are times when any decision can lead you to a better reality. a person can have so many positive options that no particular one seems more attractive than the next, and choosing any of them would bring great joy and satisfaction.

i'm to the point where i don't know which of these dilemmas is harder. i always envied people with multiple blessings and limitless opportunities, and now i'm one of them. i used to feel very forgotten and bitter, and all of my decisions during that season were hard decisions--like the first situation i mentioned. now, i have so many doors. so many GOOD doors. so many really, really attractive doors, and i'm sort of cracking them all open and taking little peeks inside. i'm too scared to choose! it's a blessed place to be, that's for sure. however, i don't want to linger too long before all of the opportunities pass.

that's what's going on in my life in a vague sense. i have a minor, somewhat controllable solitaire addiction and some pleasant, yet difficult, decision-making to attend to. i'm going to see my relevate kids in about an hour at the wrap party tonight. i'm so proud of this year, even if i only got to help with the last six months of it. i can't wait to see what God brings next year. what blessings i have been fortunate enough to see and partake in. :)

give thanks.

the transition is finally here. brittany and logan are the first to leave tomorrow. summer is ending, and so are the internships. this summer has taught me a lot about letting go. letting go of people, especially. i was so apprehensive at the beginning of the summer to build friendships with these new faces at church, because i knew i'd love them and that they'd leave at the end of the summer. i just didn't think i could handle that given the losses i'd endured in relationships earlier in the summer. i was wrong though. i decided to suck up my fatalistic ways, and i made some really awesome new friends. i feel so blessed to have made such wonderful friends over this summer, and i can honestly say that this has been one of the greatest seasons of my life.

there are worse things in life than losing people. i may never see some of my friends again, but i think a larger tragedy would have been to never know them at all. learning their testimonies and growing from their company has made me a better person. my life is more full having known them. being fearless in building relationships is something i'm no good at. i'm selfish, and i like to keep what i gain. i don't like to watch it go. i don't like to be out of control. unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. my heart will have to break. i have to let things go when it's time. i had to let my kids in maryland go at the end of the week. i feel like God is training me for the heartbreak of mission work. traveling and serving people ultimately means building a touching connection with others that i'm not able to keep. i never thought i was made for that kind of thing, and it's still something i feel ultimately unprepared for. it's not within me to do such things, but i know that by God's hand, i'm able and willing.

it's times like these when i know my experiences are no mistake. life feels like a movie, because it's all linear. my life is so blessed. i don't deserve it. i'm such a failure, and i'm in awe that God could love me so much. He gave His life for me, and He gives me a gloriously full life daily. i'm grateful for a season in which i've seen so much fruit and so much joy. it's so refreshing after a long season of confusion and emptiness. the friends i've made are going to do wonderful things in their lives. i will see them again. we've spent a wonderful summer serving the Lord and others together, and i'll never forget it. one day, we'll all be in eternity together. though i can't quite wrap my brain around that, i find that simply spectacular.

i'm looking forward with an open mind. i have no idea about the future, really. what i'm doing now is more than i could have ever dreamed. i've applied for seminary, and i've talked to my parents. it looks like i'll really be going. i'm serving with youth again and helping with relevate a ton, and i get excited just thinking about what God is doing in both of those ministries. i don't deserve to be a part of such amazing things, and yet i have such an awesome privilege. i might have a cool, new job working for the city doing theatre stuff. i feel so provided for, and i don't have many worries at all. i know even if my house blows up tomorrow and everyone started to hate me that the Lord would make a way out of all of it, because he's redeemed my life from many tangled messes. i'm so glad He decided to use my mess of a life the way He has. i'm so very thankful today.