guy appreciation 101

some things i've written on this blog in recent past may not be completely honest assumptions of myself. maybe i'm just a victim of nostalgia, but either way--i'm not as confidently healed as i thought i was over some issues.

so, shelby & i talked about making a list of qualities we want in our future partners, but we never really did it--or at least we didn't do it together. i thought it was a humorous idea, so i started thinking about it. i dug up some wacko "boyfriend checklist" i had designed on myspace two or three years ago. it made me giggle. some of the stuff on the list was valid, but most of it consisted of what a guy could do for me. as my focus has shifted to the Lord, and as I have also grown up a lot in the past three years--i realize that relationships aren't simply about having a puzzle-piece companion.

in both of my long-term relationships, i rarely ever looked outside of myself to see who they truly were. when i would feel intellectual, i'd comment on it, but i wouldn't really receive a response. i guess they couldn't understand what i was trying to convey, because it was an issue with my selfishness. see, i'm good at appreciating someone on the shallowest levels:

"oh, what a lovely picture."
"you're so kind-hearted."
"you were good playing bass tonight."
"thanks for bringing me ice cream."

but it's always been about me. i appreciate the things i can relate to, and i forget the rest unless i have to. the things that bothered me, i would try to alter rather than just appreciating them & learning from them.

"he should be more intellectual and intelligent. maybe if he changed his major to something smarter? maybe if we read books together?"
"he should be more social. maybe i can force him to enjoy my friends?"

so, i say all that to say that i've started making my list of qualities i'd like in a man, but i've done it with a twist. rather than creating an imaginary man full of impossible details--i'm making a list of qualities i would like to have for my future partner that i would also like him to possess. i figure that makes the most sense, and i really can't believe i haven't had the revelation sooner.

Here's what I have so far:

#1: FAITH: evident & active belief in Christ--the stuff that grows, the stuff that shows.
#2: SINCERITY: speaking & acting how I truly feel.
#3: INDEPENDENCE: having a grasp on myself beyond a relationship.
#4: CONSIDERATION: hand-in-hand with independence; to think of you before i make important decisions.
#5: KINDNESS: showing goodness, tenderness & concern.
#6: MOTIVATION: inspired to grow in all areas, especially those that influence the well-being of the Faith & the home.
#7: APPRECIATION: understanding & loving all, so that I can truly encourage strengths & show patience with weaknesses.

it's a far cry from: "must be attractive & in shape. must have good personal hygene. must understand i'm a nut who wears crazy clothes." yea, that reaaally happened (i'm shaking my head, too). the two of these qualities i'm marginally good at are independence & motivation. i have faith, but i'm cautious to ever feel successful in acheiving anything faithwise--because it's a neverending journey.
i feel sincere most of the time, but i often tell people what they want to hear. i like buttering people up, so that they associate positive energy with me. so i need a lot of work. i'm independent, and i always will be. maybe i'm too good at this one--as in, i'm pretty selfishly ambitious and sometimes all my activities have ruined past relationships. maybe i should take some focus off of that and put it into some of the other categories.
consideration--bleh. i'm terrible at this. i've never had to care how others feel about my decisions, because i grew up alone and did what i wanted. it's so far from me naturally to care, and my inconsiderate nature is usually the reason my relationships end. i really have to get on the ball with working on that, or i'll be 50 & single.
i'm pretty kind, but again, it's usually for the good of myself, not true goodness. i want to be deeply concerned with another being. i've had such trouble connecting like that in the past. motivation, i've got it until i get bored. i need to be more balanced, stable and willing to do undesirable things for the good of others.
and last, but not least, appreciation. i'm no good at this one. i can appreciate a beautiful physique. a talent that i find attractive. intellectual people who connect with me mentally & emotionally. but when it comes to truly knowing someone--knowing their heart, knowing their hurts, knowing their motives, knowing their tendencies--when it comes to understanding someone and knowing them outside of how the affect me and my life, i fail.

that's the one i'm starting to focus on: appreciation. i'm going to attempt to know the people already in my life on a deeper level as practice. i wrote all of this, because i hope i can comment on my progress in later posts. we'll see what happens!

full.

if i were trying to have some sort of eat, pray, love-esque adventure while i was here in Boston, i'd have failed miserably. the pray and the love have gone well, obviously. it's the eat part that's failed me. i've tried so much wonderful food, but like always, i can't enjoy it. i'm so tired of being consumed with how much i weigh. i pay $25 a week to have someone measure my weight loss and to get vitamin shots that help my metabolism stay boosted. who does that?!

i mean, i like someone keeping me accountable. i like having a record of my victories and of my failures as far as health, so i can't lie to myself and all that jazz. most people act surprised when i tell them i weighed 230 pounds in eighth grade. i guess that's a good thing. i'm just so paranoid all the time. if i eat more than one big meal a day, i force myself to take a fiber pill and drink at least four glasses of water and i walk or jog or aerobicise myself into oblivion. i can't just enjoy living and letting go every once in a while.

i get paranoid and obsessed over the possibility of gaining even a pound over the course of a vacation week. it's really embarrassing. it's embarrassing when my friends tell me i have an issue, whether it's because i'm not eating enough, "forgetting" meals so that my waist stays as small as possible in an outfit, or lamenting a larger meal i allowed myself to cave in and enjoy.

when i look at myself, i see a fat girl. i see an unattractive blown-up figure that i can't undo in my brain. i compare myself to others endlessly. i find sitting positions that i feel flatter my body more. i buy my clothes two sizes too big in case i gain a pound or two, so no one will notice. i find clothing fits and styles that i think make me look thinner than reality, and i buy that outfit in every color. i have a walk-closet packed with clothes due to this obsession, and it's terribly sinful.

because i lost weight so quickly and unhealthily in high school--around 65 pounds in a summer--and my weight has constantly fluctuated since then, i have what i think is hideous looking excess skin all over my body. i especially hate my arms. i feel like i have freaking wings hanging off of me. it's the same on my legs and my stomach. i want it removed more than anything, but i feel so guilty spending that kind of money on something so vain.

i feel guilty for all the things i've mentioned in this post. how can i be so vain? how can i care so much about this shell of who i am? after all, my body really is the shell. it isn't me. i don't always hate it, but the majority of the time i do. i get so neurotic over my appearance. i have a horrible habit of going into dressing rooms and picking at my face. i can't stop myself either once i've started. it's like i'm solving all the problems in my world by clearing up my face, aka making my face look like a used battlefield. most of my lifelong friends have seen my face in this condition. it's usually when i'm down about my weight that i do this to my face, because i feel like if i can have my face looking flawlessly no one will notice how hideous my body is. no one will notice that i picked an outfit that makes me look ugly today. maybe if i'm loud and funny enough, no one will notice my nasty arms when i raise my hand.

i'm really down about this today. i thought i had gotten much better than i used to be over this obsession, but i'm not. i've spent thousands of dollars on diets and working out. on clothes. on things that prolong my awful vanity. i did crunches in bed last night at 2 AM, because i had a few scoops of ice cream before bed. i did secret arm curls on the bus today, because i'm especially hating my arms right now.

i know i'm neurotic. i suffer from OCD, just not the kind you'd think. it's a sadder kind, where you obsess over issues, and worries are the compulsion. typical anxiety disorder. we diagnosed it a few years ago. i should probably take some sort of medicine or go to some sort of counseling, but i really hope i can give this to the Lord and let Him help me fix it. i think it's my deepest-rooted sin. this tragic vanity. i hope one day, i'll be able to enjoy what i eat and savor the meals i eat throughout life--healthily, of course.

it's just been on my mind today. i'm in cambridge right now at vux school of music watching jamie teach lessons. we're going to a jewish deli later. i've had such a wonderful time here decompressing and learning. i feel very replenished spiritually and mentally, and i don't want to lose that when i get home. i want to take in as much as i give out. not give of myself to oblivion and then take in all my toxic escape habits to "get away." i'm actually glad to be heading home. it's funny, because i was glad to leave, because life was getting crazy. everything seemed to be getting beyond my control, and now i feel like things are more clear. i'm looking forward to seeing my people, my parents, a boy, my cat, my kids, my life. i'm very grateful for all i have and for all i have experienced in my life. it's full, and that gives me joy.

newberry

this trip has really inspired me. intellectually, culturally, artistically, individually. i'm here with my aunt and uncle, but i took this trip alone. that's big for me. as an only child, i require my time alone daily. that's why i'm so scared to get married one day. could i end everyday with another person always being there? blech. but that's another story. the point is that even with my intense desire to be alone as an only child, i've always been very dependent on others in my actions.

i'm spoiled and overprotected, so i never experienced many huge events alone in life. i always relied on someone else to walk with me through situations as a crutch. i hated making people my crutch, because i'm so strong-willed & self-centered that we'd always do what i wanted. sara, kyle, justin, mom, & dad--this trip is for you. you all put up with that crap through the longest spans of time, so thanks.

my blood pressure went a little crazy today after lunch. it's been getting really low or shooting up high or something weird for the past six months. my eyes start vibrating back and forth, i get dizzy, my body feels tingly, and i feel a little sick and dizzy when it's really bad. it's sort of like vertigo. i had to go sit down and rest rather than going to harvard with jamie, and i ended up walking around the city by myself when i felt better. it was really...normal.

i guess i'd always thought being on my own in some strange place would feel like a novelty, and though it was cool, i felt the same as i do walking around the mall in albany. i felt the same way walking around the airport. i've felt the same way about walking through my life everyday. i don't feel like i'm in survival mode, but that's definitely how i'm living. it's not that i'm jaded or anything. i'm still fascinated and completely enjoying my world. i'm just taking it all in more calmly, and when i come to a time to make decisions, i make one and go with it. i don't get bothered as easily with worries i used to normally ponder over. it feels cool, but it's definitely not me. i'm just not this open to life usually.

these blogs are starting to suck. this is a "me" thing--stopping in the middle of a situation to evaluate what's going on, because i'm paranoid. i'm just so introspective at this point in my life that i can't even tell a story without turning it back to myself. sorry for the self-centeredness. but it's my blog, and you don't have to read it. :p

moving on, i got caught up looking around. i walked for hours. i shopped a little. i went into a cool comics store. i got my parents some neat, funny little things. i got a hair clip. i got a shirt. i met some people, and a guy from save the children asked for my number to hang out later. i met some homeless people and felt awful for not having any change. i saw two guys on the bus speaking in ASL, and i wanted to join--but i just don't know enough yet. totally revived my interest in studying sign language. i saw a beautiful muslim girl and two lesbians involved in some heavy PDA on the train. things you don't see often in albany.

i watched people walking up and down the sidewalk. oh, the sidewalk. we don't have many of those in albany. and the people. the business suits, the real grunge scene, the too-trendy outfits, the headphones, the cigarettes, the combat boots, the bags, the pets, the children running to catch up. i would have taken photos if i had the guts to be so invasive. it's really a tradegy i can't document it more vividly than this blog. hearing the feet walking on the floor above us. listening to the city so clearly moving all night outside of my window. ambulances, glass breaking on the sidewalk, voices shouting, laughing, bass booming from every direction.

i saw so many things i would have loved to share with people back home. so many gifts i could have bought. some for people i don't really have an opportunity to see anymore. some for people it might be awkard to give a gift to. i saw so much that reminded me of the people who make up my life currently, or who have contributed into making me who i am. it made me sentimental today. i heard cole's song blasting out of a shop, and i went in just to listen, and i got choked up for the first time in a while. i'll hear it pretty often, and it doesn't always get me--but i guess being here and missing people back home and people who aren't in my life anymore really got me missing him. it's weird how his death can feel so new in a moment.

anyway, i feel revived now. this trip has done me a world of good. i've looked inside myself. not everything in there is good. not everything in there is complete whole or healed, but i'm working on it. i've been able to get some clear vision about some things going on in my world, and i'm feeling relaxed. i hope to go back to albany with a stronger grasp on the things i should be a part of. i can't be overextended. this trip has been so much about watching only. i need more time to watch, to learn, to experience. doing and serving and running just make a shell of who i should be.

anyway, enough blabbing. i don't even know if i said what i wanted to say, but we're going out to harper's ferry to hear a band play. then dinner, then midnight movie maybe. it's supposed to be a rad friday night. :)

maps

i'm in boston right now. i can't believe i actually flew here by myself. i would have never done this in college. i was always dependent on the relationship i was in back then, and i would have never had the guts to navigate my way here alone. it was so freeing to know i had the capability to make it across so many states alone. i didn't need anyone to hold my hand. another thing that would normally hold me back is leaving situations at home behind. i remember going to london in high school while i was dating nathan. i wondered what he was doing the entire trip, which makes me feel so lame now. i have so much more confidence in who i am now that if anything will have drastically changed when i get home, i'll just shrug my shoulders about it.

it's so tragic, really--all the things i missed out on in college. going to visit my friends in other states, mission trips, making friends of all kinds and partaking in other fun adventures. i chose to stay wrapped up in my silly relationships, when i had them, and i compromised so much of who i was to please those people. it feels good to make up for it now. i like the freedom of making my own decisions without having to clue my boyfriend in to make sure it's OK by him. bleh! how could i ever live three years like that?! i never did anything inappropriate during my relationships, so why did i ever feel the need to ask for permission? i've been single for four months now, and i don't feel lonely. my life is full, and even if i were sitting in my bed every night doing nothing, i think i'd still feel great. i've gotten a better grasp on who i am, because i've really focused on myself. i know my limits, and i feel like i can honestly evaluate who i am every day.

so, here's been my struggle. the topic i've described as "vague" these past few blogs. i'm far away from my life right now, so i'm feeling brave about discussing it. boys. the men in my life. i tried really hard not get myself mixed up in any romantic crap while i processed my break up, and i did really, really well. however, i was interested in someone toward the end of the summer. i'm pretty positive it was an unrequited thing, but i still had hopes about it that i only admit to shelby. that person isn't in my life anymore really, yet i felt so intensely about it. just a weird situation that i don't want to be too specific about or else i'll be embarrassed. i was confused (and still am), so i decided at the beginning of the month that maybe i focus on attention from guys too much, and maybe it's time to cut dating out of my life for a while just like i successfully cut other distractions previously. i'd advise anyone to tread carefully when thinking about making that decision, because you have to really, really mean it.

i'm glad i didn't tell a ton of people i was pursuing that, because i'm not succeeding. there's someone in my life right now, and i really don't know what to think of it. i don't want to know what i should think of it, honestly, because i enjoy not knowing. i feel like a dude sometimes, because most girls are always trying to have the DTR ("define the relationship") talk with a guy and i absolutely hate them. i feel like if i saw one of those coming, i'd close my ears and start yelling jibberish to drown it out. that's how much i hate them. that's how my last relationship started nearly two years ago--with a premature DTR chat, and we all see how that worked out. so, i guess i may not be failing my "no dating" deal, because i'm definitely not trying to get into a serious relationship. i don't want to be cynical about it. everyone knows how much i LOATHE cynicism about life, but i just can't trust things anymore. i'd rather look at romance as a joke or as a game. it seems like that's all it is anyway, because you generally lose if you don't play your cards right. when i keep it on the surface like that, i won't get hurt.

keeping my sarcasm up front and my feelings as far back as possible has been working out. for the most part. that's the part i'm not willing to write about for everyone to see. what i wrote today is very raw, and i'm sure it may seem scary to some people. don't worry about me though. i really am OK. dating is in no way my focus in life right now. my focus is me. and my relationship the Lord. i also know that my current view on dating is screwed up. i'm working on it...maybe. when i feel like it. i think it's understandable to be in this place sometimes. i just wanted to mention that i was aware of it being an unhealthy view before anyone prescribed me some counceling. i just felt like it was unfair to blog so vaguely here recently when i've been so vomit-worthy honest throughout my other posts. blogs aren't fun to read if they aren't full of juice, so i'm trying to bare all.

clearrrllyyyy.

everyone's writing notes about summer. i like trends, so i'm joining the club. i wrote a note last summer highlighting some of my favorite moments & lessons, so why not repeat?

1. i spent most of my summer living out of a suitcase, and i loved it.
2. i still owned the leggings this summer. i will wear them every season for the rest of eternity. mark my words.
3. it's OK to build relationships with people who aren't going to be a constant in my life. people come & go in life, and it's important to learn what i can from them while i can.
4. i have a solitaire addiction worthy of an mtv true life episode. not even lying.
5. i will be marrying charlie hall...if he's not already married. why can't anyone give me a straight answer on his relationship status?!
6. i started drinking brewed coffee. who knew i'd get boring like that? goodbye, chai.
7. i finished school! i'm watching everyone else worry about buying books while i'm starting my vacation. i can't belive it!
8. feeling complete & satisfied with God as an individual is my ultimate need & goal for the upcoming months.
9. i made five awesome friends who changed my life: Shelby Nichols, Jamie Joyce, Brittany Whyte, Kenny Miller, & Logan Phillips. they made my summer even more epic than it already was.
10. nertz/pounce/dutch blitz is the best game on the planet.
11. i got to see my lifelong best friend, anna dorminey, when i went to DC. seeing her always makes me feel like home.
12. "clearly"--the title of my note. typical me.
13. i started hanging out with my beebop, ivy laing, and katy jane this summer, and i love them to pieces. they are such blessings.
14. i can't believe it took me so long to get to thursday night Bible studies at the Bennetts.' oh, what a fun time i've had getting to know the Bible study crew & learning more about the Word.
15. i love Sherwood youth. i love them. i love them. i love them. i love working with youth, in general, but these kids steal my heart.
16. i saw the oil spill firsthand. i still have oil on my tennis shoes from a nice jog on the beach. it broke my heart for all the sea life that suffered & for all the damage done.
17. i'm sponsoring a four year-old little boy named Rewat through Compassion International. maybe one day i'll meet him. :)
18. hearing David Platt speak at camp rocked my world. he explained God in ways that i hadn't thought about, & i left feeling humbled & challenged.
19. i met some phenomenal kids at the Merrick Center in DC & in Baltimore. serving on tour has impacted me for a lifetime.
20. ben only made me cry one time while we played nertz this summer, which clearly means it was a successful summer.
21. sitting on the front row and watching shane & shane sing "embracing accusation" was unbelievable.
22. the five hour car ride to south carolina with jamie joyce was epic. first IKEA experience. unbreakable blackberries. dreams. gangsta rap. sum 41. and good talks. a definite summer highlight.
23. the short lived friend nights with brittany bonnell & smalec edwards were great. i never stop laughing around them.
24. thanks to everyone who spread the news about how ticklish my neck is. i've started to not get embarrassed when i fall to the ground and get forced into the fetal position while being attacked. i owe it all to you guys.
25. my stuffed animal, bob the tomato, went with me on every overnight trip, only because moo moo mr. cow & sherbert the bear had to stay at the house.
26. grits lost most of her hair this summer. i still have no idea why.
27. my mom & dad celebrated 25 years of marriage in august.
28. i'm really glad i met tiffany bailey this summer. she's an amazing person.
29. i found out that people actually actively read my blog this summer, which embarrasses me a little. it is what it is.
30. stimulus tuesdays made this summer possible. inception=movie of the summer, say what?
31. this summer was brought to you by harvest moon. i ate there at least twice a week--when i was in town.
32. i lost ten pounds this summer. eighteen pounds since last year. i'm feeling much healthier.
33. butts & guts came back into my life, as well as a little zumba. we're going to be friends for a long time.
34. casey perkins & lindsey stewart understand me better than most people, and this summer was no exception. i didn't get to see them much in july, but they bring me so much joy.
35. i can count on both hands the number of times i swam this summer. sad.
36. i had a cyster. she is finally dead, austin mobley. let her rest in peace.
37. i learned how to ride a bike in june!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
38. i hit my first hole-in-one ever playing putt-putt.
39. i slept on busses for a total of eighteen hours this summer. i really appreciate my bed since then.
40. i learned that God will lead me if i stay content & stop trying to force my own path into creation.
41. i also learned that proximity does not equal intimacy. i'll be chewing on that one for a while.
42. i painted three canvases for the Courageous movie set. being asked to sit down and paint felt like being asked to spend a million dollars on myself.
43. i think i met over 100 people this summer. expanding my world & my friendships like this has been such an awesome experience.
44. mission days at gillespie park were so cool to be a part of. i miss jonathan running around hitting people, and i miss holding zah-zah in my arms.
45. i learned that it is better to deal with hurtful situations in life as promptly as possible and as healthily as possible. even though it isn't fun in the moment, it frees me up later from having deeply-rooted scars.
46. i also learned that i can overcome anything, not that i'd like to test that theory. it takes perserverance, but overcoming obstacles or failures is possible when you allow the Lord to take control.
47. even though the Lord has used me & accomplished some things through me this summer, i am no better a human being than anyone else on this earth. i am still just as unworthy of salvation, and i cannot live each day without God's grace, because i'll always be a crappy sinner without the Lord leading my life. i aim to always walk humbly.
48. the grubbs & the hands are awesome. i'm glad i get to spend the next year with both of them working for Garrett & Stephen.
49. i learned that the stupid charms people stick in crocs are called jibbitz, and i laugh everytime i think about it. thanks, case.
50. it's OK that i find cargo shorts & crocs unattractive. i never asked you to like my leggings. wear what you want.

this list doesn't really sum up the immense amount of fun i had this summer or the true depth of things i learned, but it's fun to keep a record for memory's sake. i didn't mention every impactful person by name, but you know i love you. and at the top of the list, i appreciate my boss, mary beth, at heritagebank for allowing me to have a flexible schedule while i pursued all my travels and things this summer. i'll never forget it.
thanks to everyone who made summer 2010 rule.
have fun at school, suckaaas! ;)
love ya, mean it.

oh, here it goes again.

is monday really coming around again? life is so full right now, and it's going by so quickly. i'm officially a student ministry intern at sherwood. i'm pretty excited to be a part of what the Lord is doing there. i hesitated working with youth ministry for so long after my first internship experience at another church years ago, but i really feel like the Lord wants me to take on the commitment. i've learned so much since then, and i know i'm going to learn a ton through this experience. i finally have the time now that school is done for me, and i can focus on what the Lord wants for more life. i decided not to go to grad school just yet. i'm going to take a season to seek out the right career path before i move forward. i'm always so overly eager to make decisions and move forward, and i just think it's appropriate to sit back and be satisfied where the Lord has me right now.

now i just have to worry about managing my time and finding the right balance of serving and learning. i'm the kind of person who gets so caught up in serving effectively that i'll give up a lot of time i could spend learning and growing in my personal faith. i'm determined to find the appropriate balance. i'm still working at the bank, and i'll start substitute teaching soon. i laugh at myself when i say these things. i never thought i would be where i am right now, but here i am. i've got other things brewing inside of my right now, too. some good things, some hard things.

i guess i can update on the most infamous theme of my blog--the break up. it hasn't been mentioned in a while, i know, and for good reason. i don't think about it anymore. sometimes, i feel like i should think about it or be sad about it, but i'm not anymore. i genuinely feel complete and satisfied in being single. i don't want a relationship in any kind of foreseeable future, and honestly, i couldn't fit anyone into my life right now if i tried. having this summer alone, and being able to give of myself and let God work in me like He did this summer, was the best thing that could have happened to me. i say i can't believe the point my life is at right now, but now that i'm here, i can't imagine it any other way. i feel like i'd be totally miserable in any other station in life. i'm so grateful to have gone through the seemingly endless hurt i felt this summer, because now i feel neutral about the entire situation. feeling this way about past relationships has taken many more months, maybe even over a year. i've learned that dealing with emotional situations promptly is hard, but it's worth it. it's not that scary anymore now that i've been through this summer.

i'm so grateful for the people in my life. i really don't deserve what i've been given.

step by step.

my heart is heavy today. i'm more hopeful than i imagined, but this still isn't a fun feeling. i'm doing my best to rest in the peace of God's plan. i don't know why i feel the need to write about something vaguely that i don't plan on discussing. a lot is changing in my heart, and time will give me answers.

i made a bad choice this week. it wasn't earth-shattering, but it reminded me how weak i am. relying on God is important. don't get proud in your accomplishments, and don't think that because of your acheivements within the faith that you aren't just as unworthy a sinner as you were when God drew you to Him. i am unworthy. i can fail in an instant. it is not within me to succeed in righteousness. it is only the Lord who can mold me and sanctify my life. i feel so full of myself right now that it makes me sick. i need to pursue the Lord in the deepest parts of myself and my desires. it's easy to find contentment. it's easy to say cheap words. i want to fill my life with His meaning.

i'm deeply burdened with pursuing this depth in my life, but it's quite possibly the hardest pursuit i've ever started. it's tiring and never-ending. i continuously fail, some failures more altering than others. i'm in a familiar place in life where i can retreat or advance. i will advance, but it's scary how close retreating became a possibility. we all need to humbled sometimes to remind us that it's not within ourselves. we must trust the Lord.

sigh.

why am i wearing this?

klondike

i've learned a lot from my recent addiction to solitaire. it really is an issue, by the way. i started it about a month or two ago. the simplicity of the game draws me in, because it helps me escape from the stress of larger, more important decisions. it's a cop out. i also enjoy how the fifty cards i play with can be formed in any order, making some games impossible to win and others boringly easy to complete. i like gaining speed in choosing to play cards correctly. i like the way an empty playing table looks after i've won. i like the joy of several consecutive winning streaks. i like letting my brain imagine the most trivial things as i let it turn to mush over such a silly game. but my favorite solitaire situation is when there are two of the same card on the playing table, and i can only decide to move one of them. the consequences of this situation can be moot or be so extreme it causes an immediate loss.

this situation is so thrilling for me. sometimes i imagine it being a larger decision occuring in my life. when i'm imagining that, i flip cards as quickly as possible, almost mocking the way i truly make decisions. sometimes, i get serious about the game. if i've been winning a lot and i'm trying to break a streak, i really begin to care (a little too much) about the game. the choice begins to mean something to me. now, yes--i am admitting how utterly insane i am today on the blog, but no one call the psych ward yet, please. i find this situation to be such a perfect illustration for life. yes, i'm reading way, way too into the solitaire game if i'm making an allegory out of stupid computer game. however, it just fascinates me that sometimes, our decisions can be so important. two roads diverged means never ending up in the proper place if you choose to travel the wrong one. then there are times when any decision can lead you to a better reality. a person can have so many positive options that no particular one seems more attractive than the next, and choosing any of them would bring great joy and satisfaction.

i'm to the point where i don't know which of these dilemmas is harder. i always envied people with multiple blessings and limitless opportunities, and now i'm one of them. i used to feel very forgotten and bitter, and all of my decisions during that season were hard decisions--like the first situation i mentioned. now, i have so many doors. so many GOOD doors. so many really, really attractive doors, and i'm sort of cracking them all open and taking little peeks inside. i'm too scared to choose! it's a blessed place to be, that's for sure. however, i don't want to linger too long before all of the opportunities pass.

that's what's going on in my life in a vague sense. i have a minor, somewhat controllable solitaire addiction and some pleasant, yet difficult, decision-making to attend to. i'm going to see my relevate kids in about an hour at the wrap party tonight. i'm so proud of this year, even if i only got to help with the last six months of it. i can't wait to see what God brings next year. what blessings i have been fortunate enough to see and partake in. :)