shnozzberries

things have changed.
i'm going through a time right now that is bad, but it's a good bad time to go through.
i have realized just how shallow my life has become recently. i feel like i've been living on the surface of things, and quite frankly, i think it's ok, because sometimes you have to skim through life to get through the hard times.
my life is pretty simple and good though, and i can't keep on being trivial, because now i'm just grumpy all the time. it was so nice to live for me for a while, to just be 100% selfish, but i also learned that it really doesn't fulfill me.
i love people, and i love loving people. i think it's a great way to be. i'm tired of letting vendettas weigh me down. i still love God. people worry so much about me during a time of confusion and transit. i have pushed God really far away recently, but i know loving him and loving people is my purpose, and i think that's why i'm so depressed. i've really only been loving me.
i'm really thankful i met gary.
i don't know how it happened or why it did, but it was just right.
he doesn't know it, but he's really what has cracked me open into thinking all of this.
so much happened from october to now that i could have drowned in, and i think i did a little too good at just not dealing with it. i just got hard-hearted and didn't think about it or sort through it. i just reverted back to my old ways of having crush after crush after crush after crush and letting my world revolve around social furtherence. and i am just so glad that i've realized what i was doing.
i really just needed to forgive people and situations.
i don't think i ever forgave kyle. i tried to last summer. like i really tried to get rid of all the bitterness and anger i had towards him at Saturate. i think i did half-heartedly. but after our break up and all the lousy stuff that happened, i felt solace in the fact that he was wrong. but i finally made the first move in forgiving him the other day. i called him. it was confusing and sad, and he was a total jerk about it, but it made my heart feel better.
and frankie said something so cool, she posed an idea that maybe i was afraid of getting into a relationship like my last one, rather than just being afraid of commitment. i think that's what it is. kyle is not a bad person. it just didn't work. and i am so glad that it's as simple as that, and i don't know why i have to make it any harder.
my parents are good parents. all parents have their flaws. i have my flaws as a child. but i don't have to wallow in anything i don't want to. and even though i know crappy people, i know a lot of amazing people. i have met so many people in the past four months that it definitely makes up for the year and a half i was without them.
i feel myself being happy again. i see myself having some depth again. everyone loses control sometimes, and that was me losing mine. WAS me losing mine.
i woke up to a horrible day today, but i felt wonderful. i know that makes no sense, but i feel like i'm finally coming into my own. i'm finally me without building myself around someone. i'm me, alone, but i have someone that i WANT in my life. IN my life, not just MY life. i'm kind of excited again about the future, and also what i don't know about the future.
things just feel good right now.