i'm tired of wasting moments talking about the tragedy of wasting moments.

Monday, November 12, 2007


it's small today. this is definitely a brain vomit. i thought it; i wrote it.
you won't understand half of it. it's intentional--because you can't.
but i write it in hopes that you will, because isn't that the point?

break ups are silly, until it's your own turn.
it's hard to love someone, but simultaneously know that it is the end.
there comes a point when tomorrow is yesterday,
and the cynical sarcasm isn't enough to keep things together.
the outwardly-projected illusion of "us" isn't worth the reality of every internal brick i've laid in my walls.
i feel sour.
i feel like that ugly black banana everyone scoffs at in the grocery store,
but i'm ok with that.
at least that pitiful little banana peacefully sits there NOT remembering how it got to be so smooshed up.
you can wipe the slobber off of your chin at the fact that i'm airing my dirty little
laundry out for all to read, but who would keep me from it? who wouldn't listen?
you see, i am not mad at him. i mad at me. i cannot control him, but i can control me.
and i am exhausted from the concept of regret. who even knows what it is?
to wish you hadn't done something is to wish you weren't
who you are today--how can one be so terribly ungrateful?
i find myself disappointed in my weak moments, but without them,
how could i really know the Lord? it is in my strongest times that i let God ride shotgun.
i would even say i look forward to these holes in life, because i always find
myself seeing something instead of just seeing.
seeing instead of seeing,
yes i said it, and, no, i'm not insane--because there is a difference.
bananas in the grocery store. yeah, turn me yellow to black.
i'll buy these hide and seek dresses. do you think it can fix the inside, though?
or is that what you were aiming to do, dear father?
oh wait, or did you do it, because i could have sworn you said it was my fault.
oh you did? oh, i'm troubled, eh, granny? speak up, i can't hear through the
stutters fumbling out of your mouth from onset of your crazy pills.
don't touch me, don't try me. i won't respect you, because i've been a player
on this gameboard for an aching lifetime, and who has the compass pointing to right?
one right in a deck of wrong? it surely seems not. when will i ever know?
i know. i'm hilarious. invite me over to tell you some jokes.
you'll get a good work out. (obviously, i'm cocky, too.)
but do you know why i am the way i am? i haven't always been
crazy, lets jam out in the car, say what i want to, insanely outgoing
Erin.
Nope, not always.
See, I spent a lot of time growing up feeling sorry for myself.
feeling sorry for myself because i was the fat 200lb. middle schooler.
having pity parties because i was a nerd, a naive little nothing,
for all the "injustice" in my life, for all the things everyone "did to me."
well, who gives a flying crap? i got tired of being that person.
no one is capable of doing anything to me that i don't let them.
how sinfully stupid to sit around and feel bad for nothing.
it's an exhausting way to live.
and when i finally let go of all of it, knock, knock:
surprise, its me! this is who was there.
i laugh at myself, and many things around me--i'm easily cynical, because i've seen a lot.
i find joy in the most awkward situations. i get pretty deep about things, and i need to lighten up alot.
i find compassion in the hardest places, but i am also plagued with selfishness enough to miss the opportunity.
i find endurance in the scariest times, but many times, i break down in the dumbest places,
which even gives me a headache trying to figure out why.
i try to stay so on the surface of life sometimes, living in the trivialities of routine and habit.
i like that side of me, but there is another really scary, broken and deep side of me that i like to bury many days.
and you, of all people, brought this on. No, not you, You. and you know, but not you.
or maybe it was several instances, who knows.
You don't, but thank you. But then again, no.
You are a subjectless subject subjecting yourself.
I would give you many titles, but how could i when i can't write a line.
I see all of you, but i haven't seen your face.
But isn't that the most powerful thing?
i'm so full of riddles, but do they have joyful answers? i'm looking for them

so, i'm pondering my God for a minute.

i just had the strangest thought. being that it's 2:42 AM, i'm probably hallucinating, but i just had one of those moments where God gave me the vision again.

See, sometimes I joke with God, because we're tight--and he made me funny, ya know? and he made me funny for a reason--to be funny for him--so that's part of my worship. strange, you say? absolutely not. i'm sick of people thinking worshipping God is strictly through music. God made us so that He could love us, wanting nothing back but love in return--and like Eric told me one time, God don't make no trash.

In the easiest way I know how to say it, God is basically the coolest thing ever, so he makes us like him, so we can have special little bits of his coolness. Sometimes we get caught up on what church and religion tell us is worship, but church isn't God. I worship God when I see the beauty in something he's created and I have the urge to paint it. I worship God when I cry over some injustice in life. I worship God when I see someone and I feel led to pray for them. In every attempt I make to know my God a little better, I worship him.

I take pride in who He made me to be. I take pride in being too emotional and stubborn, because God is emotional and stubborn. I take pride in being creative and outgoing, because God is creative and outgoing. Next time you really look at the natural earth, think about the beautiful the art is that God has made. Next time you really try to listen to God, see how much He talks to you. Sure, you may not hear a verbal, booming voice--but I sure do know when God's saying something to me. And when I'm listening, I can't stop hearing God. Crap, when I'm not listening, God gets even louder.

I guess I write all this because for so long, I had this trivial, shallow, formal relationship with God. I believed in God like I believe Uranus is floating around in space. I believed He was real and alive, but he was nothing personal for me. I hate to see people walk in that. It brings so much doubt. God is my friend. And that may sound cliche and silly--until you try it. I love just talking to God throughout the day about random things. Like I said, I joke around with God. I miss God when I push Him away and don't make time for Him.

I get tired of people, including myself, missing out on just how awesome their relationship with God can be. They think of God as some solemn old man with a lightning rod ready to strike you down, and I just don't believe a God that made me so that He could love me would be that cruel and distant. God didn't need me. I hate living life like i'm doing Him some favor by giving him the tiniest bit of time i can in the day to learn how to live life like He did while He walked here on this earth, but it is so easy to forget that not only did He make us--He made a way for us to have a secure eternity in perfect happiness--and all He asks is that we believe in Him and do our human best to lead others to Him. How do I not live life worshipping 24/7. I blow my own mind.

So, that's what God just told me. All I have to do is worship. Quit feeling sorry and worrying about all my mistakes, and take the moments you're wasting and get up and do what you're created and called to do. What could be easier? What could make me more happy or fulfilled than that?

Birthday

i hope it doesn't suck.
a super good day would be refreshing.
i'm not expecting much though.
that never seems to work.

that's all i've got. i enjoyed the futurenow thing tonight. interesting.
i liked the people who were in charge of it.
it's really awesome seeing people from a small town doing big, amazing things.
it's empowering.

i learned a lot tonight.
a lot that i just can't put into words.
except, i do want to learn sign language.
i feel like God spoke to me about it tonight.
i know that sounds weird, but i'll give you more details after i pray and figure it out more.

life is complicated.
i like it like that.
i like knowing i'll never figure it out.
it's nice giving up control.
and yes, he is fun; i enjoyed it.
but i enjoy this too. it's my heart.

whoop!

it's time for a happy blog! i'm sick of all the emo crap. i've been going through a lot lately, and i'm not sure i'm done digging through all the stress mess--but like Eric said the other day, "i feel like i'm on the upswing of the valley." and, that feels good!
i knew it would end somewhere, and my mini-breakdown was pretty trivial as far as bad times go. I've just been overwhelmed with things to do, and i just couldn't see the end of it coming near. I feel like I'm about to have a little time to catch up.

I will finally get more than six hours of sleep for the first time in the past weeks that i can remember! how great!! AND my birthday is on thursday! that should be fun. kyle is really building up the birthday/anniversary gift he got me. i'm excited BIG TIME! i can't believe Kyle and I have been dating a year! it's crazy, because it doesn't seem like it's been that long. When I look at other couples and hear them saying it's been a year and some change, i always think about how long and serious that amount of time is. But with Kyle, it doesn't seem that way--definitely a good thing!
things are looking up. it's definitely the Lord. I try to push and fight through all the crap alone, but I always end up knowing that without the strength and joy of the Lord, the hard roads are a lot bumpier.
Tough stuff.
My old sunday school teacher died. Pray for his family. I heard some details, but I am not sure how accurate those are, so, out of respect for his family, I won't disclose them. I'm praying for them. My dad lost his dad in a horrible way at a young age, so such tragedies always weigh on my heart.
That makes me think about how much I miss my grandads. My dad's dad died when I was only a baby in an awful tragedy. And last Thanksgiving, my only living grampa died from necrotizing fasciitis, an extremely rare flesh-eating bacteria, with complications of diabetes. He got sick one Sunday and died the next.
During that week, he had his leg cut off above the hip and some of his back. I never saw him conscious that week. Kyle never met him. But the Sunday he died, Kyle drove me and my grandma over, because we were going to see him, and right when we got there, he began to go through the process of dying. Kyle stood by my side as I watched my grandfather take his last breath.
Watching someone die is emotional, but it revealed God to me in a way I can't explain. There was a peace. It wasn't like we were fighting for him to stay alive. I remember my mom telling him not to fight and to listen to the Lord and go to heaven where Meme is (my stepgrandma who died from lung cancer three years ago). Watching him take his last breath, I knew in my heart that it wasn't the last of my grandfather. It was just his last moments here on earth in that body. It was an unforgettable experience. Awful yet awe-striking all the same.

My grandmas are the only things I have left, and my grandma helen has bad back problems and she goes through a lot since my grandpa's been gone. i worry about her, and i feel so guilty because i never get to spend time with her. and my grandma lynne struggles so much with money. she doesn't have anything anymore, and i havent seen her very much lately. it kills me, because i love them so much, and i don't know that they know it.

I guess this hasn't been a happy blog after all, but i needed to search some things out.
it's good sometimes.

yeah, i'm blinded.

if that thing stopped moving, i'd break. i'd fall apart.
i think about it a lot. a lot--as in, too much. i care about it so much that i've cried.
i am vague on purpose. this thought is scary and from somewhere deep & hidden,
but everything needs an escape. This escape will be a little slighted, but released, all the same.
i feel as if i have cheated on a test i haven't taken.
my mouth is watering for a food i'll never taste. that's agonizing.
agonizing because it's an undesirable meal for all, yet i'm dying to take a bite.
i'm an animal, an animal wishing perfection from out of that vein.
maybe i'll lose my appetite soon.

Runaway

i'm copping out,
losing the battle.
i don't know why...i don't know why i feel so hopelessly stressed out. i'm not myself anymore. My free-spirited personality is missing the "free" and the "spirit." I feel so empty. Most people don't know, because I do a good job faking it.
I'm tired of faking it. I'm so exhausted, I can fall asleep on command. I'm so empty inside that I find no joy in doing anything anymore. Everything is a chore. I know everyone feels like running away, but I've never seriously felt it before.
I was talking to Mrs. Connie, Kyle's mom, and she really made me feel better.
I love Mrs. Connie. She's my boss sometimes, but the rest of the time she is my second mom. She gives really great advice and makes me feel normal even though I feel like I am completely and totally insane. I've told a few people how I feel.

I can't put my finger on the source of this funk I'm in, but it started when I was looking at some friends' pictures on facebook. these friends go to an exclusive theatre school, and I was looking at all the fun they were having. They seem so carefree of consequence. Basically, they do whatever they want and have no reason to feel bad. I hate to admit it, but there is no covering it up--I am envious.

It may be horrible to admit that I look curiously out of interest into a world of sin and worldly liberty, especially because of my position as an intern. I think that is why I feel so crummy inside, because I am supposed to be an example and I can't even get my mind focused on the Lord. I am tempted and envious of things that I have done.
I want to run away and live a life of selfish sin merely because I am stressed to the maximum point.
I'm confused.
I know it is because I am human, and I know Satan tempts me. It's just confusing and trying--and sometimes, pushing and fighting for my beliefs & being the unpopular thing to do gets to be too much for my sorry, small human mind--and all i want to do is quit and drink a margarita and do a number of other stupid things.

But there IS a difference between wanting to and actually doing it. I will not be the latter.
This too shall pass--what gam zeh ya'avor means--is what i live by, everything is fleeting. I still love life in all of it's craziness.
i know, i am utterly insane.

Fire Eyes

It's been a while since I posted. I really write these blogs to vent, not really to say anything intellegent or worthwhile enough for anyone to read. But hey, if you want in to the Erin psyche, be my guest, and if you figure me out, shout me a holler, because I sure haven't figured it out.
Have you ever had everything you'd always wanted? Of course, I don't mean everything, because that's idealistic and impossible--and if one is satisfied, then he is the living dead, because to be totally satisfied means to have nothing left to hunger or pursue. (yeah, i didn't come up with that. wish i were that amazing, but a good teach of mine said it.)
But, you know what I mean. Wanting a sensitive, sweet, open, loving guy after "The Good ol' Boy" just wasn't good to me, and then finding Kyle. Wanting so badly for so many years to be involved in church on a new level, and now being an intern. Wanting an easy, respectable, honest job, and working at Sims. And the list goes on.
So many blessing, yet I complain so much. I curse my blessings regularly. The two previous blogs are example. Though I am stressed (and I am VERY stressed now, more than then for sure), I am busy for a reason. God has given me so many capabilities and opportunities that my head spins.
It's exciting. And sometimes I forget it's not my small head that orders the day and orders my footsteps. That's where all these headaches come from (literally, a bottle of tylenol this week..), the thought that I am controlling all of this stress. When really, the God I claim to put all of my trust is the one who is guiding me. How much more relief does a person need?