cole stuff.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

i miss...

my soul mate, sai.
keith's whistles.
"and the winner is!"
hair wraps.
mcguire's.
white ipod.
kirby.
playstation time.
deerfield.
the art table.
gertrude mcfuzz.
the atticus fan club.
the internship.
patrick&keith.
dadada's.
st.paul's scary, spiral stairs.
that first summer boy.
my cajun superhero.
twin oaks play dates.
jet skis.
stocks dairy.
kee kee monster.
macy.
darton.
basic photo.
D.
wesley at the door.
ap language.
altima fights.
vacation movie marathons.
cookie crew.
physci lisa talks.
your pillow chest.
the boat.
dunk 'ems.
mama georgia's.
walk, jog, run.
the spot near the tree.
the clay spot.
applebee's.
the rocket.
mock trial.
billyum.
hippeytalks.
biology.
exercise science.
the apartment.
GSOM [the one class].
the kittens.
cleo&chocolate.
landon.
meme.
cousins.
nikki.
valentine's dance.
p-smith.
adventures with lynne.
presents from mike.
i love lucy.
jamie visits.
bubble letter winner.
helen radio.
disney world promises.
kamp kirksey.
sundays at jason's.
pre-that girl status.
fives.
forward.
singing on stage.
plays.
being small.
low gas prices.
the blue skirt.
230 lbs.
cole.
the baseball fields.
treacycle weekends.
parking lot peeing.
lchs auditorium--my 2nd home.
acceptable irresponsibility.
dreams with stan.
my naked feet.
in love.
pure faces.
pre-golf cart.
braces.
boy pants.
life before june 2nd, 2008.

this is quite possibly the lowest feeling i've felt in my life. & it feels worse, because i don't know why i feel so low. it's like i've just realized cole is gone, but i've known for two months. how do i feel this way? i can't fight the feeling of being cheated out of some things. the summer started so great. at our slumber party, trea said, "this is only the beginning of an amazing summer." & now, school is starting again, and we are still digging our feet in the ground, bracing ourselves for the rest of what's to come.
why am i so unbearably sad about school starting again? it's as if i'm losing something. maybe i'm afraid of things changing. i've lost so much beyond my control, that i guess i am worried i'll lose more in some way.
i don't even know who i am. i feel so lost & useless. i do all i've done out of love, but it is really like therapy for me, too. now, i feel like a door is closing, and i don't know where to go. i'm not ready to move on & forget what happened this summer. i never want to do that. i'm just not ready to move on, but i feel like i'm being forced to. i've been so sick to my stomach this week. i broke down yesterday. it was finally the end, it seemed. trea is home, & the benefit was about to start...what else is there left to do?
and even if there were something to do, how do i do it?
i can't even remember how i functioned before june 2nd. what motivated me? what were my goals? who mattered to me most? how did i have so many friends & how was i so carefree? i'd like to be myself again, instead of just pretending to be myself. i'm so broken down on the inside over all that's happened that i can't make sense of anything really.
saying all this sounds scary, but i'm at a place where i need to get myself together without losing sight of all that i've learned through the worst experience of my life. it's ridiculous to worry, and i shoudn't admit to being so down&out--but it's just one of those days.



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the second of june.
Current mood: blank
Category: Friends

[i wrote this blog on june 4th--but for some reason, it changed the date when i edited it today:]

this has been the wildest week of life for many of us.


it's life changing for everyone. we will always remember life before and after this moment in time. grief is only temporary, but memories never leave us. people go, but the things we share with them are never far from us. sometimes, it just doesn't seem like enough though. i will never understand all this. i try to be so faithful, but i get so easily discouraged, because i just don't understand. i don't think i ever will. and i'm sorry, God--but i may never accept this.



when i looked at cole tonight, it wasn't him. i couldn't even cry. my mom told me when my grandpa died that his body was just a shell. the real him was already alive in heaven. so who i looked at tonight was a beautiful looking boy costume, while our cole is in heaven, exactly where he wants to be.
i feel so selfish wanting him here, but i just love him. i want to hug him & talk to him & treasure a few more minutes with him--but i know if there were some way i could have that, all i'd end up wanting is more. it should bring us a great deal of peace to know that cole is in the very place with the very Lord he lived his life to be with, and i really am trying to rest in that. it just gets so miserably hard.


all of this is so tragic. i still haven't wrapped my mind around the actual occurrence, much less the repercussions and trials to come. however, i do know that God is strong enough to take on every emotion and every question from every person who asks Him. through all the chaos, God is in control. & i'm hoping i can really, really believe that in my heart if i tell myself enough. i just don't get it.


tomorrow is going to be a big day. i'm praying for everyone. people i don't know, whoever needs it. lean on your friends. without friends, i don't know how anyone gets by. i've realized how phenomenal my friends are the past few days, and i love them so much. i hope i can show them just exactly how much i really do love & appreciate them.


i've gotten to see trea a lot this week. that boy's strength has always amazed me, but i just can't even believe how good he is doing. my heart was turning flips, because he looked so good tonight. garrett looks great, too. i haven't gotten the chance to know him as well as trea, but his attitude & hilarious personality are keeping people's spirits up, including mine. those boys are going to be light for all of us having a hard time, because their perseverance is so inspirational.

i am so proud of garrett & trea. everytime i think about all they have to endure, it nearly brings me to tears. i think about them about as much as cole, because i know i could never be that strong & faithful, and in so many ways, i look to them for my own inspiration & drive to keep going. i don't think i'll ever be able to explain how much those three boys mean to me and how important they will always be in my heart.

:]

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