tententen.

i missed church this morning. i hate missing church. the past few weeks have been up and down for me, and i think i hit bottom last night. i couldn't sleep, and i just stayed up and searched out what my problem was. i'm really confused and disappointed in myself. i got really unfocused on my relationship with the Lord, and i realized how much i really do lack in being a good person. what i mean is, i can't be good on my own. like, i need the Lord to work in me and through me to be any sort of good--because nothing about me naturally wants to be good.

i'm really a wreck right now. i've taken a few steps backward, and i've been in denial about it. i've allowed things into my mind and my thoughts, and therefore into my actions, that just isn't what i want in life. and it's definitely not what God wants for my life either. through all my hurt, i think i might have hurt people around me, and that disappoints me greatly. however, i'm moving forward and forgiving myself. i can't dwell in this place where i try to control everything and please everyone. i'm just focusing on the Lord and i'm going to take whatever He brings me. that's all really.

i know everyone makes bad choices sometimes. i know i'm human. but for some reason, when it comes to me, i have too much pride to accept that. why do i hold myself to a higher standard? it's so easy for me to show grace and mercy to others, but i have such a difficult time showing it to myself. if God has moved on from it, why don't i allow myself? it's pretty sinful, i guess. so, i've made a resolution to heal from this and stop trying so hard to perform. there are so many situations in my past that i just won't forgive myself for, and i'm devoting some time to sorting through those situations so i can be a better person.

i wrote an earlier blog about being the kind of person that i want my future partner to be--and one of those qualities was sincerity. i'm living under a lot of pretense right now. i'm trying to pretend i'm "up" when i am really, really "down." in all reality, i'm confused, and i've lost a lot of direction. i hate to disappoint everyone who believes in me, but that's truly where i am. i'm working through it, and i am trying to re-evaluate and reinvest my time into the right areas. it's going to take time for me to get through this, but it's something i'm really passionate about fixing. healing isn't fun.

it's much easier to distract myself and justify my human nature, but at the end of the day--my life isn't mine. there's something i'm here on this earth to accomplish, and being selfish just isn't getting that job done. i'm not a failure, and i've got to stop playing around and get to the place i need to be. quite frankly, i don't care who i lose in that endeavor, because they weren't a part of the plan if they have a problem with it. operating in fear is my specialty, and i think that's about to have to go, too.

i know it sounds like someone has died or i've murdered someone or something completely crazy, but it's not really all that surface level. i just stopped caring as much about the One Thing that matters, and i'm really grieved about it. i almost wish i had killed someone and it were that simple to get through--but it's not. there's a lot of depression and deep things going on in my mind and heart. i'm going to be fine, and i immediately feel joyful and hopeful now that i have repented of this situation i've put myself in. i'm promising myself to move slowly in the coming months through everything. more than anything, i want a clear mind and a pure heart as i move into a new year.

i want to be an encouragement to the people around me. i want to make a difference and pour into the people who love me. i want a full life. not full of fun and full of me all the time like i've let occur lately, but full of the joy and purpose that only God can bring. i want to show Christ and be known as someone who tried. i'll never be a perfect example, but i want to have tried my very best to display Him as well as i could. i want to be free of burdens so that i can do the things God directs me toward, and i just haven't been living in that freedom lately. i've been trapped in this weird, repetitive, ungratifying funk of serving only myself. and i was miserable. i'm so thankful for a God who can redeem me from my own weak mind and restore my joy and the meaning in my life. i just don't know how people operate who don't believe in Christ, because without Him my life is a complete void.