when life gives you lemons...

i'm currently working on a guest blog piece for my friend jonathan, and i've learned it's much harder to write with aim than to just stare at a blank screen and start vomming out words. that's how i work this blog. i feel sorry for people who read it, because it's long paragraphs full of me and all me, all the time. i guess that's where i'll start...

my dad picks on me a lot because i give such detailed explanations of things. i include stupid, vivid details when recalling stories, and i've gotten really self-conscious about it lately. i hate being unaware of how selfish i come across to others. and then i hate being aware of it even more. and then i hate talking about being aware of being selfish, because that seems doubly selfish. what a paradox, huh?

lately, i've tried to be more aware in conversation how much i talk about myself or how much the questions i ask someone are related back to me. i truly care about others, and i enjoy listening and learning about their lives and offering helpful advice. but i can't just rely on those good deeds and pass off my selfish habits. i really want to share relationships with people and not just use them.

for example, casey perkins is my best friend. we have been together since 7th grade, and he knows and understands my tendencies better than most people in my life. i feel like i understand him pretty well, and we make a good pair because we're both very complex and dynamic people. casey understands that i'm completely spontaneous and i will loyally follow a whim at any cost. i'll lose myself in something and forget the people around me, and out of anyone, he's been hurt the most by what many of my friends call my "sketchiness." i'll have the best intentions, but i'll ditch friends and cancel plans to serve myself, and i'll justify it however i can without caring.

just because casey understands this and has endlessly forgiven it over the years doesn't mean that i want to selfishly continue this pattern. starting in 2009ish, i consciously started trying to be more consistent and reliable to the people in my life. i've gotten a lot better, but it's a hard habit to break. being aware of this selfishness and trying to change it hasn't been easy, but casey and friends like him have the care and decency enough to be honest with me about my bad behavior so that i can be better.

i had lunch with casey today, and i don't know what brought it on--but i was just really fascinated and overwhelmed at the progression of our friendship. it hasn't been a perfect ride, but he really means the world to me. he's been the one to stand by my side during two ultra crappy break ups, and he's been so consistently himself throughout my life, and he doesn't act a part to impress other people. even if we don't agree on every opinion, he's always casey--and that's impressive and inspiring. it's hard to be close with casey and not want to be confident in who i am as a person. having that kind of friend in my life makes me a really lucky person.

a lot of people don't understand casey or are intimidated when they meet him, and those people that write him off are really missing out. i can have a good time going out with him or enjoy musing over intellectual ideas with him, and no one gives me more of a forum to be myself. no one friend has earned the right to speak about my relationships like casey has either, because he's pretty much always hit the mark with his evaluations in my life--and no one friend has come over like he has to comfort me in the middle of the night by singing glee karaoke when i've been crappily dumped over the telephone. he listens endlessly about my life and my problems, and we've shared a million fun memories together. so, thank you, casey, for everything you are to me. i love you a ton.

i was musing over all of this today, and i began to wonder if i had truly been as great a friend to casey as he has been to me. probably not, in all honesty. but wondering that, it inspired me to think less of myself, think less about the people who come and go, and stop focusing on mindless drivel that i do day to day. i want to focus on being there and being good to the people who are there and good to me. like casey, lindsey, my parents, anna, shelby, etc. all of my closest friends are givers, and by nature, i am a taker. i want to take steps to be more of a giver in my friendships. i'm feeling very inspired by this, and i hope that one day i will lose a lot of these selfish qualities.

as far as this blog, it's documenting my journey in life, so i'll probably continue to talk about myself here. i mean, that's what it's here for, after all. i started an internship at lemonade marketing firm and i have a really wonderful feeling about it. i'm already taking pride in my work, and i think it's going to bring a lot of growth and learning in my field. it's not what i planned for my life at this point, but clearly it's what God wants--and i'm excited about it. a lot of things are falling into place and i am gaining focus and direction again.

i made the decision to renounce my position as an intern at sherwood. i'm not quitting my activities there, but i just can't give the time like kenny and shelby do. i don't want to make a mockery of what an intern does when i can't keep up with all the events and information. i love the youth, and i will still be serving in relevate and at youth events when possible. i've just been enduring a lot of mental and spiritual stress by trying to juggle everything in my life, and i haven't been able to really serve like i want to for a while. i hate the idea of failing or taking a step back from things, but i think the bigger failure would be to continue in all of these directions when i'm just not capable. it would be selfish to continue an internship simply for the prestige and value of the title when i just can't perform the duties. i'm trying to be wise and prayerful about my decisions, and that one was hard to make. i hope people will understand, but i know that God, my parents and i are all involved in it--so that's all that really matters. that's all i have for today!