it's the little things.

so chipper. i've talked about him here and there, and i feel a bit awkward writing about him, especially knowing that he reads my blog. i don't want anything to seem contrived nor do i want to embarrass him with anything i say. i'm just so shocked about how things are progressing from something that started so spontaneously. i feel as if i've discovered a secret, like i've gotten some corner on a wonderful kind of friendship that no one else has. our interactions are relaxed like we've got a simple friendship. there are not a lot of uncomfortable compromising or imbalance or stressful expectations. feeling no pressure or force to change who i am just encourages me to want to be better for all the right reasons. maybe that's common and i sound silly.

or maybe it's just right. i thought i'd met my quota on good relationships and that i just sucked at them. i guess that's what i get for being cynical. being the negative person i am, i create these ideas in my mind that things will fail one way or another. that chipper doesn't get me, that he won't understand me, that he'll become controlling at some point, that i'll never get to the bottom of who he is, that i'll never know how he really feels, that our dynamics will change to something less enjoyable. i have a hard time letting myself believe this is reality in the worst of ways. i'm kind of pretending it's a show so i can tentatively enjoy it until it falls apart. but i don't think it's a show. i think it is something real and something unique. and the cool thing is that this relationship is mine, even if i'm having trouble accepting that i have something so extraordinary.

amongst all the chaos in my life, everything seems so peaceful when it comes to chipper. all of my quirks just seem to meld perfectly into what we have, and it's kind of frightening. the "help me with my diet" game. which really isn't a game. i really do want help staying motivated with my diet. but i generally try to push the limits to see if the desire to please me outweighs the promise of helping me lose weight by coyly asking for ice cream and unhealthy snacks. generally, i get my ice cream, but chipper folds down the bag of cheese nips while i'm not paying attention during the movie, and he certainly doesn't buy me the cookie from subway. and for some reason, i feel more loved than i ever have through such a simple action. magical little moments like that affect me all the time, but i don't know how to say anything. i just get scared i won't be able to return the favor and create that same magic on my end because chipper keeps all of his cards so close. but i guess deep down i know things will unfold in time. besides, i've always loved a challenging mystery.

what an adventure i'm on.