i wrote a long blog here, but you don't need to know how i feel.

liar

i feel so sick. i found out someone i care about deceived me. i'm praying for wisdom. there are worse things in the world, after all.

and today comes with a completely different set of feelings.

i wish i could comprehend the workings of the human brain. why do i suddenly feel grieved by some random occurrence from years ago? why am i completely joyful one day and inhibited with regret the next? it's odd. living is such a strange phenomenon. i wonder why i'm attracted to certain people. what made me choose my friends? why do i get a rush of adrenaline when i look at a certain boy? why am i intimidated by some people to the point of stuttering? why are certain people and places taboo for me? i feel like i created all of these unneccessary stigmas for myself because it is a common theme in the lives of others.

i feel like recent history has caught up with me again today. maybe because i have been spending a ton of time alone. it's a good thing though. like i previously posted, i'm really good at escapism. this time, i'm trying to deal with things head on. i want to rectify my hurt so i'm not bound by it later on. i'm in such a different place than the last time this happened to me, but in many ways it feels the same. no matter how old i am, most of the issues i face still bring about similar feelings.

i've been journaling a lot lately, and it's been doing me a world of good. it's so weird how writing down even the most shallow thoughts brings so much understanding to a situation. i'm grateful i've had a few good weeks. it's easy to get down about things, and i tend to get overwhelmed with the gravity of all the hurt in the world. it's really nice to experience i time of positivity and joy. i know there are sticky times ahead though. there always is. not that i'm trying to be pessimistic at all. it's just a fact. happiness is a commodity because it isn't a constant for anyone.

in this next season, i'm really trying to learn to maintain the joy of the Lord. it's a really hard principle for me, but i'm looking forward to the challenge.

#glee

i can't believe season one is over! i want to cry!

i love glee so much. i think it's because the dialogue is so corny & the plot is so predictable.

it's a great escape from how serious everyday life gets. it helps me make fun of myself a little bit.

life has been really great lately. a lot of things are changing, but i feel like a better person everyday. my summer has been a little busy, but not too busy. i haven't taken anything crazy on, and i've spent a lot of time relaxing alone. i'm enjoying this time being an individual, and i am learning a lot about God & ministry. it's a really joyful season for me. i feel like i'm on the verge of all these new and exciting possibilities in life.

summer semester has started. it's going to be over soon, and i just got my graduation letter in the mail letting me know that i was on track to graduate when i finish these classes. i don't even know what to think about that. i feel so free. i have nothing but money holding me back from going anywhere i want to go and being anyone i want to be.

i'm extrememly grateful for all the people God has placed in my life recently. i feel so blessed. things feel so right lately, so much so that it's strange. i can't help but smile. i have a quiz to take, but i wanted to update really quickly about glee and a little life.

pee es, jonathan groff is so hott. i love his voice. i need him to sing to me in person. ewan mcgregor, too. someday, he will sing "your song" in the style of moulin rouge to me and i will melt away into a puddle of swoon.

dreaming with a broken heart

this ridiculous john mayer song has been playing everyday on my pandora just to torture me. justin broke up with me, and i've never felt more awful. i'm shocked most of all. i've never believed something was more meant to be than us. i still believe we are. all the issues we ever had just seemed so trivial, because i knew we'd make it through them sometime in the span of forever we'd be spending together. i just always assumed that feeling was mutual. i don't even want anyone else. anything else would be a distraction or a subtraction. when you find someone who kisses your feet before they put your tennis shoes on your feet, you should keep that person around as long as they'll stay. i wish he'd stayed longer. rejection is the worst. i'm good at ignoring these feelings with my ingenius mastery of escapism, but it will hit me like a ton of bricks at any given moment. i start feeling short of breath like i'm hyperventilating. i can't get a grip. then i slip back into my fake smile.

i haven't made it to cleaning up the pictures and the memory box. i don't know what good it would do, because everything reminds me of him. i don't even mind being reminded, because all i want is for him to be here. it's hardest at the end of the day when i wish i had one more time to walk him to the door and kiss him goodnight. i'm pathetic.

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for the moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with your crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
baby won't you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.

Bill Widman

I saw my friend Bill for the first time in ages yesterday, and it was really kind of life changing. Bill moved out to Colorado years ago, and I haven't really heard from him since minus a few MySpace & Facebook messages here and there. He just made it back to Albany for a visit after these few years, and I found out he's been roaming the country with his precious dog, Maebe. He lives in a yurt in Colorado and gives snowboarding lessons at a resort for half of the year, and then he travels around hitchhiking the other half of the year.

He shared some of his adventures with me, and it made me feel so insignificant and silly. He doesn't have electricity in his home. He doesn't have a computer. He doesn't have a cell phone. He lives such a minimalistic lifestyle. I think of how afraid I'd be traveling around like that with no way to contact people. Funny how much false security our technological devices give us.

I got home last night and all the outside lights were off at my house, and I started to get frightened, and then I thought how Bill travels around unfamiliar areas for hours in the dark. There's something about the way he's chosen to live that I can really appreciate. He's so happy and carefree. He experiences so much and each day is like an adventure. My life is so monotonous. I sit in front of a computer most days and feel like I'm living when people pay attention to my Facebook page. See, fame isn't really an adventure. It's a trap. People begin to expect things out of you when you're up on a pedestal. Having an image to protect is boring. Living to please others has never been a fulfilling occurrence for me, and I don't know why I've developed such an appetite for "success."

Success isn't money. It isn't walking around in pumps and a designer business suit with everyone knowing your name. It isn't being known simply for the gain of being known. I think I'd hate that, just happening upon fame through any avenue. I just want to enjoy the things that I love. I want to be fulfilled through an adventurous and crazy life. What Bill does really inspires me to see the world differently and not get stuck in this rigid, "normal," BORING lifestyle that I've started to create for myself.

So, thanks, Bill. :)

musing

Justin told me he was proud of me yesterday. Something about his sincerity makes those words feel like I've really acheived something. Maybe it's because I watch him produce all these unbelievable artworks for him to turn around and tell me he's not very proud or excited about any of them. I think it's a momentous occasion when Justin is truly proud of something, so I felt honored when he said he was proud of me.

in other news, i wish i could say i didn't want to be famous, but i'd be lying if i did. what's up with a world producing that kind of attitude? it's not about excelling in your passions anymore. it's about success through any avenue. fame is lame.