to the moon?

you never had to impress me, because your very being was impressive.
is.
my kindred spirit, (tirips dredink ym)
curses, creases--i want my cats to roll in the grass on easter. and laugh. and wrestle. and watch us. and purrr. and curl. and stay. and squint for the sun. and stay. and hold tight. and stay. and stay.
warm my shoulders and relieve my pain.
yromem/(s...)/thank you.
i've never been able to say in all of my life that i miss cold feet until recently.
it's all in loving so furiously.

heart-shaped box

i just watched a behind the music documentary on courtney love, but the really touching segments were about kurt cobain. i was completely blown away with his perceptions that i started researching him online while i watched courtney spiral into a mess by the end of it all. i've loved kurt cobain since i started becoming interested in music. i can't tell you who first introduced me, but "nevermind" was the first album i ever recognized on store shelves because of its unusual album art. next to that would be "enema of the state" by blink-182. i always loved perusing the CD aisles as a kid.

anyway, something always touched me about kurt cobain. something always touched me about dead artists, really. jeff buckley and mama cass. i guess i'm a morbid person of sorts. death has always fascinated me. i have a mild obsession with ted bundy. i would read books on him and watch all the documentaries that featured him. that spurned a rather wild interest in serial killers that i still have. i'm so interested in their psychology and their persona. crime shows were my thing for a while, and they probably still would be if i weren't so busy.

rabbit hole. i don't really know what i'm writing about. i saw the courtney thing like two hours ago, and i can't stop thinking about it. he was just so open and honest. he was so grieved over the empathy he shared with people, and i find that shockingly relatable. i guess it shook me a little. i get so wrapped up in my emotions all the time. it's a nervous sort of depth that just makes you want to be shallow like everyone else seems to find so easy. it's fun to feign being consumed with all of this triviality as if i'm not constantly analyzing and feeling through every nuance.

i've met three people in the course of this life that have truly known and understood the core of my intellect. none of those people are active in my life anymore. i'm not saying i have some untouchably deep intellect. i'm just saying that not many people like to expose themselves in such a vulnerable way. getting deeply intellectual is intimidating for some people, but it feeds me in this unparalleled manner. i hope there are people in my future who can meet me in that place. i guess listening to kurt cobain's unbelievable views just pour out to any and everyone made me feel jealous i hadn't known him. i'd have felt so privileged to even converse with him once about some of the things he said.

it seems like even in the time that has passed in the ten some-odd years it's been since he died that the overhaul of communication between people has taken away so much of the depth with which they interact. critical thinking has become a novelty, because of all the working technology does for us. there's so much apathy and such a lack of care in which we handle relationships. it's pretty depressing, really. and i'm such a product of technology. it really disgusts me. i want to escape, but it's so much a part of my thinking and my interactions that i don't know how to stop. how can i become more personal again? how can i achieve the depth i want to have intellectually in such a trivial world? i wonder how many people feel the same way i do. i wonder how many people notice.

i learned to ride a bike today.

i'm nearly 22, and i just learned how to ride a bike. i'm still not very good, but this was a defining moment for me. many people have tried to teach me over the years, and it never ends well. i just give up, because i get too scared. ryan, stephanie and the whole bible study crew came to cheer me on as i finally rode all by myself tonight. it was epic.

it kind of gives me hope about all the choices i'm facing in the coming months in some odd way. i've never missed riding a bike, really. i even thought it was different and cute that i didn't know how, but it's cool now because i have a new skill i can sharpen. i have a new way to travel. i'm no longer bound by my inability and inexperience in that area. i overcame the fear.

i'm bound by fear when it comes to the idea of moving or not having a plan of action for my career when i graduate, but i think i can overcome that now that i've watched it play out in a more trivial instance of my life. letting these fears go and just persevering through the unknown is a little more attainable now that i found courage in a smaller victory. i think it's neat.

tomorrow, i'm off of work, and i plan to stay home and relax all day. i have so much reading, studying and homework to do that it'll be good to spread it out throughout tomorrow and knock it all out. camp is on monday, and i am very excited to hear david platt and see what God's going to do in our lives. it'll be at the beach, too, so we're hoping to help with the oil spill clean-up however we can. i still feel a little crazy sometimes being old enough to be a leader. these past four years of college have flown by, and i am about to earn the title of a legit adult. totally weird. i have no idea what's next, but i know it will be good. this summer has been spectacular so far. i don't think much could make it better. i've met great new friends, and i'm being so blessed by helping out in ministry at my church. it's unreal how much i've learned about my faith in these past few weeks, and i'm just so excited to be able to glorify God in everything i do.

my eyes are rolling back, so i think it's time to go to sleep. hopefully, i will have something to update before camp.

through the fire

i spent most of yesterday at home searching out my feelings. i felt really nervous and overwhelmed, but i couldn't figure out why. i posted some of my feelings on facebook. some of them i spent an hour or so writing down in my journal in the early morning before i went to sleep last night. a lot of it was sadness about the holes in my life due to changes in relationships.

and then God's comfort is so on point. tonight in choir, i felt like the Holy Spirit was so near. i felt this sensational peace that i haven't experienced in a long time. it was really refreshing and invigorating. it made me want to draw even closer to Him and lean on Him more. nothing specific caused this nearness. mark just played a song, and i became overwhelmed. then, jamie played a nooma video for the youth that i had watched a few years ago during my internship at providence.

i remember the people i had to forgive the last time i watched it. i remember how hard it was to forgive them and how much i still struggle with bitterness today when i get in a rut in life. while i was praying, i tried to contemplate who i needed to forgive. i'm a pretty forgiving person. i hate bitterness, but i know there is always something i can forgive somewhere that i've left marginally unresolved. the obvious choice was justin. he hurt me, but i honestly don't harbor bad feelings toward him. i do want him to succeed. i wish him the best. he was one of my close friends for over four years, and he helped changed my life from our youth ministry internship together to the day we broke up. jealousy comes, and i do miss our friendship quite a bit. so i get sad, but i'm not bitter. however, the last thing i said to him was mean, so the message gave me the courage to and humility to send him a message apologizing and asking for forgiveness.

ultimately, i decided i needed to forgive myself. it's always a struggle for me. i feel so inadequate because of the ridiculous decisions i made so long ago. i can't shake all of those things being a part of who i am. do i really know i'm not those things? i joke about my past so flippantly, but there really is a lot of hurt there. it's shameful. it's hard to even want to share to help others experiencing similar things. it's hard to find the balance between empathy for the sake of helping others and reliving my past for no good reason. forgiving yourself is the hardest. i really wronged myself and God willingly for years. i disobeyed my parents. i knew the truth, and i claimed the truth. i made a mockery of my faith for so long. it makes me feel unworthy and unprepared a lot of the time. i've healed over most things, but the insecurities still come when memories arise or get reminded of things. it's good to realize these things and let them come to the surface, so that i can consciously work on forgiving myself for things far gone. i'm grateful for who i am today, and i am humbled that God brought me so far out of all the mess i allowed into my life. if he can forgive me, i can definitely forgive myself.

i want to know how people perceive me.

"Me, I'm a fool spent from defiance..."

i found an old CD today with my all-time favorite song on it. "Blinded" by Third Eye Blind. i don't really know what it is about the composition of the song, but whenever i hear it, i get this rush. it's something about the way the music is written that makes me feel crazy. and then the words. there's a weird sexual reference in the beginning, i'm aware. but it speaks so plainly about the nature of relationships. he references the sun a lot, and he references icarus, a character in greek mythology. the story goes that icarus was escaping from exile by way of these wings made out of wax and feathers. icarus' dad made the wings, and he warned icarus not to fly too close to the sun or the sea. however, icarus got so giddy and excited from the thrill of flying and he soared through the skies. in the process, he got too close to the sun, the feathers melted, and he fell to his death in the sea.

the sun is a curious thing. it's light, or lack there of, affects our mood. referencing the object of his love as the sun was genius. he's icarus, and he got burned. when he sees her, he's blinded, which has both positive and negative connotations. anyway, i love the song. i always had. some verse always strikes me, no matter where i am in my life. my friend forest played the song for me the summer before my senior year in high school. i thought it perfectly described the shallow relationship i was pursuing. ever since then, the song has never gotten old. most songs get overplayed and irritating. but everytime i hear "blinded," i can relate to it. every relationship i've ever had is comparable to the way he feels in the song. when i like someone, i feel blinded in the best of ways. when i'm falling out of love, i feel blinded. right now, i'm falling out of love. emotions are interesting to monitor. i've been watching myself grieve this one out, and it's been fascinating.



i'm in a state of denial today. it's been quite some time since things ended. i'm happy with where my life is going, but sometimes it hits me. last night, i was working on homework, and i realized i needed something out of a box up in my closet. i was in a chair struggling to get it down, and i started to call for justin to help me. it's odd how time can make a person seem so distant, but my brain can make them feel as familiar as today. this morning, my brain has enjoyed pretending that things are the same as they were over a month ago. it kind of erased all of the mess between then and now, and i felt like i'd be hearing from him around lunch when he woke up. we'd piddle around all afternoon here and there around town when i got off of work. we'd muse over ideas and dreams and shallow things. he'd take us out for dinner, and we'd go to my house and watch tv and laugh together. i'd fall asleep for a little while in his arms, and i'd wake up late to walk him to the door reminding him not to run over the cats.

i thought about all of this as i listened to my song. it felt like a mixture of misery and excitement. all of this is just so weird. it's hard having been such good friends for years, then dating, then creating this wall keeping us from contacting each other. when you think nothing but death will separate you from someone, you're bound to have days like today. it's all for the best, i know. i've found a lot of understanding lately, but it doesn't stop me from missing my best friend. it's been hard fighting the urge to look for replacement friends and relationships, but i've succeeded thus far in remaining balanced. i am healing, and i know today is a part of that. even though i'm as sad as i've ever been today, i'm grateful to experience anything that will make me the person God wants me to be.

electioneering

it's a little funny how much people enjoy talking about themselves. i like when i'm trying to converse with someone via text, and they don't perk up in the conversation until i coddle their ego. i probably come across the same way. it makes me want to care for others more.

in other news, thom yorke just isn't quite as good without the rest of radiohead. i like the eraser, but it just isn't as magical for me as his work with the band. i haven't listened to his colaborative band yet either, so that's next on the agenda.

andddd beck just came on pandora. it's a great day when you've "liked" every song on the station thus far. ;)