"Me, I'm a fool spent from defiance..."

i found an old CD today with my all-time favorite song on it. "Blinded" by Third Eye Blind. i don't really know what it is about the composition of the song, but whenever i hear it, i get this rush. it's something about the way the music is written that makes me feel crazy. and then the words. there's a weird sexual reference in the beginning, i'm aware. but it speaks so plainly about the nature of relationships. he references the sun a lot, and he references icarus, a character in greek mythology. the story goes that icarus was escaping from exile by way of these wings made out of wax and feathers. icarus' dad made the wings, and he warned icarus not to fly too close to the sun or the sea. however, icarus got so giddy and excited from the thrill of flying and he soared through the skies. in the process, he got too close to the sun, the feathers melted, and he fell to his death in the sea.

the sun is a curious thing. it's light, or lack there of, affects our mood. referencing the object of his love as the sun was genius. he's icarus, and he got burned. when he sees her, he's blinded, which has both positive and negative connotations. anyway, i love the song. i always had. some verse always strikes me, no matter where i am in my life. my friend forest played the song for me the summer before my senior year in high school. i thought it perfectly described the shallow relationship i was pursuing. ever since then, the song has never gotten old. most songs get overplayed and irritating. but everytime i hear "blinded," i can relate to it. every relationship i've ever had is comparable to the way he feels in the song. when i like someone, i feel blinded in the best of ways. when i'm falling out of love, i feel blinded. right now, i'm falling out of love. emotions are interesting to monitor. i've been watching myself grieve this one out, and it's been fascinating.



i'm in a state of denial today. it's been quite some time since things ended. i'm happy with where my life is going, but sometimes it hits me. last night, i was working on homework, and i realized i needed something out of a box up in my closet. i was in a chair struggling to get it down, and i started to call for justin to help me. it's odd how time can make a person seem so distant, but my brain can make them feel as familiar as today. this morning, my brain has enjoyed pretending that things are the same as they were over a month ago. it kind of erased all of the mess between then and now, and i felt like i'd be hearing from him around lunch when he woke up. we'd piddle around all afternoon here and there around town when i got off of work. we'd muse over ideas and dreams and shallow things. he'd take us out for dinner, and we'd go to my house and watch tv and laugh together. i'd fall asleep for a little while in his arms, and i'd wake up late to walk him to the door reminding him not to run over the cats.

i thought about all of this as i listened to my song. it felt like a mixture of misery and excitement. all of this is just so weird. it's hard having been such good friends for years, then dating, then creating this wall keeping us from contacting each other. when you think nothing but death will separate you from someone, you're bound to have days like today. it's all for the best, i know. i've found a lot of understanding lately, but it doesn't stop me from missing my best friend. it's been hard fighting the urge to look for replacement friends and relationships, but i've succeeded thus far in remaining balanced. i am healing, and i know today is a part of that. even though i'm as sad as i've ever been today, i'm grateful to experience anything that will make me the person God wants me to be.