through the fire

i spent most of yesterday at home searching out my feelings. i felt really nervous and overwhelmed, but i couldn't figure out why. i posted some of my feelings on facebook. some of them i spent an hour or so writing down in my journal in the early morning before i went to sleep last night. a lot of it was sadness about the holes in my life due to changes in relationships.

and then God's comfort is so on point. tonight in choir, i felt like the Holy Spirit was so near. i felt this sensational peace that i haven't experienced in a long time. it was really refreshing and invigorating. it made me want to draw even closer to Him and lean on Him more. nothing specific caused this nearness. mark just played a song, and i became overwhelmed. then, jamie played a nooma video for the youth that i had watched a few years ago during my internship at providence.

i remember the people i had to forgive the last time i watched it. i remember how hard it was to forgive them and how much i still struggle with bitterness today when i get in a rut in life. while i was praying, i tried to contemplate who i needed to forgive. i'm a pretty forgiving person. i hate bitterness, but i know there is always something i can forgive somewhere that i've left marginally unresolved. the obvious choice was justin. he hurt me, but i honestly don't harbor bad feelings toward him. i do want him to succeed. i wish him the best. he was one of my close friends for over four years, and he helped changed my life from our youth ministry internship together to the day we broke up. jealousy comes, and i do miss our friendship quite a bit. so i get sad, but i'm not bitter. however, the last thing i said to him was mean, so the message gave me the courage to and humility to send him a message apologizing and asking for forgiveness.

ultimately, i decided i needed to forgive myself. it's always a struggle for me. i feel so inadequate because of the ridiculous decisions i made so long ago. i can't shake all of those things being a part of who i am. do i really know i'm not those things? i joke about my past so flippantly, but there really is a lot of hurt there. it's shameful. it's hard to even want to share to help others experiencing similar things. it's hard to find the balance between empathy for the sake of helping others and reliving my past for no good reason. forgiving yourself is the hardest. i really wronged myself and God willingly for years. i disobeyed my parents. i knew the truth, and i claimed the truth. i made a mockery of my faith for so long. it makes me feel unworthy and unprepared a lot of the time. i've healed over most things, but the insecurities still come when memories arise or get reminded of things. it's good to realize these things and let them come to the surface, so that i can consciously work on forgiving myself for things far gone. i'm grateful for who i am today, and i am humbled that God brought me so far out of all the mess i allowed into my life. if he can forgive me, i can definitely forgive myself.