ugh.

i wish i were God only for a minute.

i wish i were God only for a minute. i just want to feel what it's like to have all the problems and joys of the world in one mind, while being able to control all of them simultaneously.
being human sucks.
i worry and whine needlessly over trivial things i can control, plus the things i will never have the capacity to understand.
in my one minute as God, i'd want to know the feeling of peace. not the kind of peace i've felt in my most stable, beautiful moments in life--but the pure, true peace He has.
realizing i'm small and weak in the infinite scheme of things is cool. i do my little part, but it doesn't go unnoticed. without me, a job goes undone, because i have a purpose in life if i am created by God. i'm like an ant to the anthill, but an ant who is determined to every part of their job well.
i've created this scenario, because i've wondered so much why it is important to pray to God when he has it all planned out for me anyway, right? i wondered would my tiny, selfish, biased prayers really matter at all. And i have come to this conclusion with the accident that prayer is not only to worship God. it reveals things to me. So many prayers i pray have been answered in the most obvious of ways, comforting me and my worrying mind--the one that's too small to comprehend all that God knows.
i'm still confused everyday, and i'll continue to worry myself up the most exhausting headaches i can--but at the end of everything, i do find God sitting there patiently, revealing to me in the tiniest and most magical ways how He is in control and will make it all better. Trea is one of those things.

i can't even begin to explain how...i don't even know what adjective to put here...amazed?
shocked?
mystified?
blown away?
overwhelmed? i am.
i wish i could do trea's progress justice by describing it to you, but he's doing too many amazing, trea-like things to describe them all in this blog. there just aren't words decorative enough to describe what i have watched happen this month. i am so proud and inspired by trea's strength that it makes my heart leap every time i think about it. and to think it has affected my life so greatly, i know it has and will affect so many people for such a long time. i am so excited for him.
praying is so important. if you already are, keep it up.
if you don't pray, try it on for size. there's no risk in trying.

i'm still staring down the sun.

i look at these blogs i've posted, and i want to delete or edit pretty much every last one. however, i think that would be on the side of cheating. i've kept a journal for years, and i looked back at it today and laughed. i missed some things, but i was so misguided, and life was so trivial.
life is still trivial. i've come to realize that Satan has perversed God's gift of giving us purpose with trivial distractions in life. God gives each of us the inner drive to work toward a purpose in Him, and Satan does all he can to distract us with fleeting things that don't matter. i wrote in the last blog how my life was so trivial and i was finally coming into my own--i was fooling myself then. yeah, i had been shallow, but on the journey back to myself, i passed myself and kept going into the deep end, and that's where i was in the time i wrote the last blog.
what a scary time. yet, what a relief to be so loved by God that he brought me out of another murky time. see, another thing Satan steals from me is having the full freedom to love like i should...loving God and loving others. it sounds pretty easy, but as i referred to in earlier blogs, loving someone is far more than just being kind. love is unconventional and untraditional. why can't you define it? because it's as awesome and enigmatic as the One of created it.
i guess i love reading things past to see how much i've grown and changed. i would edit and delete all the silliness, the embarrassment--but then what would be the fun in that?
i'm growing. and i'm doing my best to constantly evaluate the fear and the triviality in my life. it will always be there. always. as long as i am seeking God, Satan will toss these perverse distractions and joy-stealers at me. it would be so much easier if i could remember just as clearly when i am down as i remember when i am up, that the only reason i am feeling so beaten down and awful is because i am fighting a battle on the right and winning team.
i'm burying that one in the time capsule in the backyard.

shnozzberries

things have changed.
i'm going through a time right now that is bad, but it's a good bad time to go through.
i have realized just how shallow my life has become recently. i feel like i've been living on the surface of things, and quite frankly, i think it's ok, because sometimes you have to skim through life to get through the hard times.
my life is pretty simple and good though, and i can't keep on being trivial, because now i'm just grumpy all the time. it was so nice to live for me for a while, to just be 100% selfish, but i also learned that it really doesn't fulfill me.
i love people, and i love loving people. i think it's a great way to be. i'm tired of letting vendettas weigh me down. i still love God. people worry so much about me during a time of confusion and transit. i have pushed God really far away recently, but i know loving him and loving people is my purpose, and i think that's why i'm so depressed. i've really only been loving me.
i'm really thankful i met gary.
i don't know how it happened or why it did, but it was just right.
he doesn't know it, but he's really what has cracked me open into thinking all of this.
so much happened from october to now that i could have drowned in, and i think i did a little too good at just not dealing with it. i just got hard-hearted and didn't think about it or sort through it. i just reverted back to my old ways of having crush after crush after crush after crush and letting my world revolve around social furtherence. and i am just so glad that i've realized what i was doing.
i really just needed to forgive people and situations.
i don't think i ever forgave kyle. i tried to last summer. like i really tried to get rid of all the bitterness and anger i had towards him at Saturate. i think i did half-heartedly. but after our break up and all the lousy stuff that happened, i felt solace in the fact that he was wrong. but i finally made the first move in forgiving him the other day. i called him. it was confusing and sad, and he was a total jerk about it, but it made my heart feel better.
and frankie said something so cool, she posed an idea that maybe i was afraid of getting into a relationship like my last one, rather than just being afraid of commitment. i think that's what it is. kyle is not a bad person. it just didn't work. and i am so glad that it's as simple as that, and i don't know why i have to make it any harder.
my parents are good parents. all parents have their flaws. i have my flaws as a child. but i don't have to wallow in anything i don't want to. and even though i know crappy people, i know a lot of amazing people. i have met so many people in the past four months that it definitely makes up for the year and a half i was without them.
i feel myself being happy again. i see myself having some depth again. everyone loses control sometimes, and that was me losing mine. WAS me losing mine.
i woke up to a horrible day today, but i felt wonderful. i know that makes no sense, but i feel like i'm finally coming into my own. i'm finally me without building myself around someone. i'm me, alone, but i have someone that i WANT in my life. IN my life, not just MY life. i'm kind of excited again about the future, and also what i don't know about the future.
things just feel good right now.

I love my God. Merry Christmas!

Do you ever accidently wake up after lunch time and feel kind of crappy, realizing how much day you've wasted? I won't spend much time beating myself up here when i'm already forgiven, but I realize I've been wating moments justifying needless actions I've been performing in my life.
Did it really have to come down to that? Nope.
I wasn't a good example, so God let me be made example of.
I'm sick of all the filth in my life. I'm sick of loving God with all but a little of my heart. I'm sick of smelling like cigarettes. I'm sick of the occasional pointless drink. I'm sick of being a meaningless kiss from a meaningless person. I'm sick. I'm disgusted with myself.
These have been my choices. Stupid choices. But I need to choose something better now.
I don't have a reason to run away from life. I'd even say that in my heart I was hurting for someone to call me out, to give me an excuse not to--but i'm just so weak-willed that I couldn't just stand on my own.
Last nite, it seemed like God gave me a little moment of his eyesight, showing me all the little distractions, pulling at me in every area of my life. Through a dark and embarrasing moment, he gave me an escape from everything I was doing. I've come to find out that the trials that God allows in our life can be used in the best of ways, if we let them.
Yes, there are consequences. Yes, there is hurt. But as long as we are alive on this planet, then God has a purpose for our breathing each and every breath. We can waste moments wallowing in regret and what ifs, but that's blemishing the very moments we can redeem ourselves from the moments we regret in the first.
I love my Lord. I do. It breaks my heart knowing how terribly I've disappointed him, how I disappoint him everyday with dumb human actions. Though every action isn't "wrong," those not spent living the life God planned for me seems pretty pointless, when I stop thinking about my trivial life and start thinking about the God of my world.
I praise God for punishment. I praise God that I have a big enough purpose in him that punishment is necessary. I praise God for friends who truly love me. I praise God for parents who truly care. I praise God that He has chosen me, and I have chosen Him, that He does not abandon me when I selfishly forget him in the trivialities of this world. I praise God, because He deserves all the praise I can muster from my little life--and I hope everything that I can give with the rest of my life will please Him.
I am so thankful that God has not given up on me. I hope that everyone can experience God wherever they are walking. Even the most glorious mountain top experience here on Earth with him cannot compare with the true glory and wonder of His name, and even in the depths--He IS there. Believe it & believe in Him.

Blahty-blahty-blah

so, i'm a schemer, eh? well, you're a dreamer.
doing the right thing is always the hardest. & you know that. you're just pissed you didn't get the honest idea first. i felt led to make a difference the best way i could, instead of getting lower & lower in a petty little pit of nothing helpful.
Ugh.
Dont't sit here and analyze my actions when there's nothing deeper than truth there, sweetie.
Not everyone has ulterior motives of mountain top friendships, cracking the whip and dellusional romances.
Sometimes, people want trust, love, fun.
Rarely, do they seek tears, worry, secrets.
Always, people want truth.
If I were trying to climb my way to the top, then I wouldn't waste my time on our friendship. Which is how it's become--A waste of time, because I can't trust you. In a freaking crisis is when the truth comes out, my friend, and you ditched to save yourself & started taking other people down with you.
Get real.
Quit with the sympathy act.
Quit with the lies.
Quit with the tears.
Just quit.
People who can't trust can't be trusted.

And P.S. here is the rest of how i feel: i fuhreaking love YOU. you remind me of everything good about all the rest of my closest friends i've lost.
You #2: i am just plain addicted to you. We are way a lot alike & we make the best team. I hope it stays that way.
You #3: there isn't much to say besides wow.
You #4: you give me a work out because you are so fun.
you #5: everytime i'm with you, it's too much fun.
you #6: we're weird, but i like it. i wouldn't trade it. i love all of my freaking friends. and i'm glad i know who to trust. i feel trust with the six of you like crazy.

if i were a preacher, i'd start with this sermon.

written: Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Some of you may know i fasted from the computer for a few days.
i intended on doing it a bit longer, but i've come up with a bit of an alternate plan, which I'd like to share:

ok, so it's a pretty proven fact among man, that when one deprives himself of
something, he craves it that much more. (And, of course, kyle starts telling me
about all these awesome computer codes THE VERY DAY i start my fast--haha!)
Well, instead of me just cutting the computer out completely for a week, I'm going to minimize the time I spend on it for (duh--duh--duh....) FOREVER!!

The whole MySpace/Facebook thing is awesome. I love keeping in touch with people who are those "well, sorda" friends who I always talk about wanting to hang out with but never do.

But all God reasons aside, reality kind of hit me. I read a book in high school & again in college, when doing am in-depth research paper, called Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman. My favorite high school English teacher had a remarkable understanding of the book, and it really influenced me to think the way he & the book explained.
When the book was written, our society was ruled by Television Entertainment, and now, the same can be said about computers. The more we sit in front of a screen, the more we isolate ourselves from the world around us.

Sometimes our sole means of communication comes from an Instant Messanger or from MySpace comments. I mean, people start DATING through Online Dating websites, and--sorry if I offend--that's just absurd. Not to mention, the speed of transmission that technology brings makes the people of today's world feel a necessity to have everything NOW.

The world we live in is so fast paced.
We can't fathom having to find the right groove in the record in which to stick the needle to listen to our favorite songs.
Stamps will soon be obsolete when no one sends letters anymore.
We wonder why it takes five days for our EBay shipment to come in (i mean, i ORDERED it three hours ago--hurry it up!).
I remember when it was cool to have your own phone line at your house, but now all kindergarten kids want their own cell phone.
(Who will they call? SANTA?)
And I won't even dare mentioning a horse & buggy,
or a typewriter,
or cooking in the fireplace.

Our world is BLESSED with all this technology, but we abuse it. I am number one on the list of the guilty, but I really feel that it is time in my life to slow down. The whole world should slow down before the Protac and Zantex turn into the new Tylenol (oh wait...).
It is my opinion that this misuse of techonology is the source of most problems. From a spiritual standpoint, all the hustle and bustle has gotten so loud that it's hard to hear God anymore. Even the most devout Christians have trouble with seeking patience in waiting for the Lord to answer.
"Lord, I want my cancer cured NOW"
"God, I need help with my money situation NOW."
"Show me the path NOW, God."
which turns into...
"Why aren't you listening, God?"
"God, what am I doing wrong?"
"God, do you even exist?"

We treat God like he's a grocery scanner.
We put all the things we want onto the moving belt and then expect to scan
& bag all that up and take it home right away. Does that make sense?
I'm not trying to preach. I just see this mistake being made in my own life.
There are so many seemingly innocent villains in this world sucking the very life out of us. Technology is great, as long as it is used in controlled, moderate ways of which we can be constantly aware.

I say all this to say, I will still be on MySpace/Facebook and all that jazz, but not as excessively or frequently, and in a more conscious way.

Thanks for reading!

Problem: Breaking Up. [this is only the beginning]

written: Monday, September 24, 2007


Problem: Breaking Up.
Current mood: sick

You grab at the sky like you could build a ladder out of clouds,
but you don't even know how far you want to climb.
It's Christmas day where the presents melt from sitting too close
to a string of lights before you even wake up out of bed.
Your face puckers while you eat your lifetime supply of sugarless
chocolate and you're frustrated when the salt shaker just doesn't
give it the right taste.
You know the problem, yet you keep eating.

But how do you know what it tastes like?
You imagine the sensation of walking around the desert
in stilleto pumps, but you only recognize sand in your flip-flops.
You think you have the world memorized,
but then you realize you have your sunglasses on.
You raised a kitten who bites through your skin,
yet you won't stop holding her.
You wonder why you shop for new tennis shoes
when your feet are scarred and blistered.
You know the problem, yet you keep walking.

You miserably eat bugs in the corner when there is
a box of piza on the coffee table. You keep on
filling your face, hoping the crunch will eventually
stop making you gag, while your eyes fill with tears,
and the aroma from hot pizza dwells in your brain.
You exercise on the stationary bike and wonder
why you still need training wheels.
You lay down in the middle of the interstate
and pray no car will come today.
You know the problem is coming, yet you keep faithfully lying down.

Most of the time, cars do come: Hopeless.
Slowly, the box of pizza gets close enough,
and you're more willing than ever to take a bite.
You stand up and walk toward the coffee table: Guilt.
You try new tennis shoes on for size: Embitterment.
You lose the sunglasses: Blinded.
You realize that salt isn't what the chocolate is missing: Loss.
Me being the so-called "you:" Isn't easy.