happy birthday to me. :)

life lately. hmmmm.

i found out today that i'm losing my job in a month. i thought i might have more time that that, but i'm trying not to worry. who am i kidding? i feel like i'm about to faint just thinking about it. it's such a struggle for me to find peace that God wasn't surprised by this and that he has it under control.

all i can think about is that i need money to pay for gas, to pay for my weekly shots, and to pay for my compassion international sponsorship. it was just a blow in the face when i wasn't expecting it. i thought i was stable until christmas at least, but it'll work out. happy birthday to me...woohoo!

speaking of, i turn 22 in six days. i can hardly believe it. where did this year go? everything has moved so quickly! 22 is such a weird age. i feel old. i'm getting farther away from my teenage years, but i still feel like a teenager in so many ways.

i've been having so much fun lately. i love all the "me" time i've had to live my life. i'm old enough and alone enough to make decisions now, and i love the freedom. it's not something i've gone crazy with by any means. i can travel on a plane up the coast or i can hop in the car to drive to valdosta for the weekend. i'm responsible for me, and i don't have any dead weight to drag along behind me.

so much of what i did throughout the summer was still based on my previous relationship. i was still subconsciously living under that person's requirements, and don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad arrangement. but is it truly me? are these my values? are these my desires? is this how i truly feel about the issues in my world?

in my search for sincerity and my genuine nature, i think i'm far enough away from that situation mentally to begin exploring these ideas. in fact, i know i'm far enough away, because i started doing it without even realizing.

it's all a part of healing. see, i've never consciously seen myself through the grieving process far enough to know that there are other steps to healing. see, grief is all about survival. it's an agonizing process, where you balance somewhere between drowning in a puddle of self-pity, worthlessness, depression, and jealousy; and distracting yourself without becoming unhealthy or shallow.

after grieving comes rebuilding. how do i take the things i learned in my relationship and apply them to who i truly am? not that i wasn't myself in the relationship, but i did compromise of myself to share life so deeply with another human being. that's why serious relationships are so...serious. they take from you. they change you.

so, how much were the decisions i made really my own? how much of a thought was truly mine or just a means to impress or pacify another person? these are really hard questions to answer. i have to really explore myself and possibly admit to living a lie. pretention isn't easy to admit, especially when it's been running two years deep in your life.

because when i was 20-21, knowing myself wasn't important. all i cared about was knowing who i should be with. knowing the truth wasn't important to me. it was all about finding someone who might know the truth. if you've been there you'll understand me. if you're not an introspective intellectual, you probably aren't following my discourse, but that's OK. now the truth is so evident. Christ. He is so deeply rooted in me now. in the way i think and in the things i do. his mysteries are so much more vast, and i can no longer remember what it was like to so shallowly ponder Him as i did back then. i knew Him then, but i know Him better now.

knowing that truth makes me want to know myself. i put on so many faces. i'm such a good actor that it's a wonder i don't have an academy award by now. i'm such a melting pot of everyone around me and everyone i've ever known. i don't even have my own laugh or my own accent, because i take on whoever i'm around the most.

i'm excited about this phase of life i'm in. it's a little scary and i could make some weird mistakes. however, it feels good to be able to live life focusing on God and on myself. without my focus on anyone else, i feel like i can be honest about my flaws and my convictions. even though there is someone in my life that i'm into, it's something different. i'm completely myself, and i'm just enjoying whatever it is. i'm not changing me to make things work, and i've never had more fun getting to know someone without trying to force it into something too quickly. it may not work out, but it's refreshing and i'm into it.

so happy birthday to me. :)