guy appreciation 101

some things i've written on this blog in recent past may not be completely honest assumptions of myself. maybe i'm just a victim of nostalgia, but either way--i'm not as confidently healed as i thought i was over some issues.

so, shelby & i talked about making a list of qualities we want in our future partners, but we never really did it--or at least we didn't do it together. i thought it was a humorous idea, so i started thinking about it. i dug up some wacko "boyfriend checklist" i had designed on myspace two or three years ago. it made me giggle. some of the stuff on the list was valid, but most of it consisted of what a guy could do for me. as my focus has shifted to the Lord, and as I have also grown up a lot in the past three years--i realize that relationships aren't simply about having a puzzle-piece companion.

in both of my long-term relationships, i rarely ever looked outside of myself to see who they truly were. when i would feel intellectual, i'd comment on it, but i wouldn't really receive a response. i guess they couldn't understand what i was trying to convey, because it was an issue with my selfishness. see, i'm good at appreciating someone on the shallowest levels:

"oh, what a lovely picture."
"you're so kind-hearted."
"you were good playing bass tonight."
"thanks for bringing me ice cream."

but it's always been about me. i appreciate the things i can relate to, and i forget the rest unless i have to. the things that bothered me, i would try to alter rather than just appreciating them & learning from them.

"he should be more intellectual and intelligent. maybe if he changed his major to something smarter? maybe if we read books together?"
"he should be more social. maybe i can force him to enjoy my friends?"

so, i say all that to say that i've started making my list of qualities i'd like in a man, but i've done it with a twist. rather than creating an imaginary man full of impossible details--i'm making a list of qualities i would like to have for my future partner that i would also like him to possess. i figure that makes the most sense, and i really can't believe i haven't had the revelation sooner.

Here's what I have so far:

#1: FAITH: evident & active belief in Christ--the stuff that grows, the stuff that shows.
#2: SINCERITY: speaking & acting how I truly feel.
#3: INDEPENDENCE: having a grasp on myself beyond a relationship.
#4: CONSIDERATION: hand-in-hand with independence; to think of you before i make important decisions.
#5: KINDNESS: showing goodness, tenderness & concern.
#6: MOTIVATION: inspired to grow in all areas, especially those that influence the well-being of the Faith & the home.
#7: APPRECIATION: understanding & loving all, so that I can truly encourage strengths & show patience with weaknesses.

it's a far cry from: "must be attractive & in shape. must have good personal hygene. must understand i'm a nut who wears crazy clothes." yea, that reaaally happened (i'm shaking my head, too). the two of these qualities i'm marginally good at are independence & motivation. i have faith, but i'm cautious to ever feel successful in acheiving anything faithwise--because it's a neverending journey.
i feel sincere most of the time, but i often tell people what they want to hear. i like buttering people up, so that they associate positive energy with me. so i need a lot of work. i'm independent, and i always will be. maybe i'm too good at this one--as in, i'm pretty selfishly ambitious and sometimes all my activities have ruined past relationships. maybe i should take some focus off of that and put it into some of the other categories.
consideration--bleh. i'm terrible at this. i've never had to care how others feel about my decisions, because i grew up alone and did what i wanted. it's so far from me naturally to care, and my inconsiderate nature is usually the reason my relationships end. i really have to get on the ball with working on that, or i'll be 50 & single.
i'm pretty kind, but again, it's usually for the good of myself, not true goodness. i want to be deeply concerned with another being. i've had such trouble connecting like that in the past. motivation, i've got it until i get bored. i need to be more balanced, stable and willing to do undesirable things for the good of others.
and last, but not least, appreciation. i'm no good at this one. i can appreciate a beautiful physique. a talent that i find attractive. intellectual people who connect with me mentally & emotionally. but when it comes to truly knowing someone--knowing their heart, knowing their hurts, knowing their motives, knowing their tendencies--when it comes to understanding someone and knowing them outside of how the affect me and my life, i fail.

that's the one i'm starting to focus on: appreciation. i'm going to attempt to know the people already in my life on a deeper level as practice. i wrote all of this, because i hope i can comment on my progress in later posts. we'll see what happens!