no excuses.

at the beginning of the week, i have every intention to go to choir practice, bible study, relevate practice, the gym, etc--but when the day gets here, i get so tired by the end of the day that i'd rather just lay around a little longer at the house instead doing something mindless.

i'm feeling pretty irresponsible. i know the people who are used to seeing me have probably lost faith in me, and i don't even know why i'm so tired. i've started working full-time (between two part-time gigs), and i guess the juggle has just become mentally exhausting.

it makes me feel like a whining dweeb, because so many people work harder than me. but i crave sitting down to read one of my million books or catching up on my favorite movies and television shows. that feels selfish. probably because it is selfish. it's a funky place, and i don't know whether i should just indulge it or try to motivate myself to get back involved on a regular basis. i loathe being inconsistent, so since 'all' wasn't feasible, i reverted to 'nothing,' essentially.

people approaching me saying that they miss me makes me feel awful, so i feel the need to perform under those expectations. i don't know what the Lord is doing in my life right now, but i know that i am trying to follow as He convicts me. this is just a confusing area for me.

i feel like LMF is such a blessing, as i get to use my creativity and passion for art on regular basis. it just feels right, and things are progressing in a wonderful way. it's the rest of my life that's chaos. it's weird, because i was so intensely afraid of my job situation this summer as evidenced in my blogs. and now that i feel secure in that, everything else has turned upside down. i have faith that the Lord will provide a path. i just need to be more faithful in valuing my time. i could really shave off a few minutes here and there to make my life more useful.

having a boyfriend feels a little crazy. chipper and i will have been offishy for a whole month tomorrow. he's such a good thing in my life that i'm scared i might start focusing too much on him for my happiness. that sounds like a negative thing, but it's not. i just feel so safe and understood with him, and having that so present in my life makes it easy to start ignoring God--but i hope recognizing that early means i'll be able to stop that from happening. i really just can't explain how well things are working themselves together. i'm sort of at a loss for words about it, because this relationship came out of a really awful time of stupidity and self-inflicted chaos in my life. yet somehow, i got a really big blessing out of it. i'm still trying to process it--or just figure out when the joke is going to end.

i heard a sad song this afternoon. it's a song that has a lot of memories attached to it for me, and it made me feel really apprehensive. letting my guard down is so hard, and as much peace as i've felt through my prayers i still get overwhelmed sometimes when my past comes to the forefront of my mind. i worried for a while about it this afternoon, but all in all the Lord is going to work it out if i let Him.

it's hard for me to be so honest about things i just don't know about. it's hard for me to admit i'm unsure or that i know i'm failing some people's expectations. there's no excuses though, and i'm not doing the erinish thing and making any. so that's this week in erinland.