secrets

i accidently posted this to an old business blog on saturday. weird. oops:

i'm on the bus home from secret church right now, and i've really enjoyed the trip. after taking a step back from the ministries i was involved in, i felt a little alienated. but this has been a really good experience. i think i made a lot of the tension up in my mind, and i'm really encouraged that i don't feel compelled to run away because i feel like i've failed (something i'd typically do) since i had to give some things up. everyone still cares about me and likes me the same as they always have, so i am feeling less stressed about it.

i found myself listening to 'secrets' by onerepublic a few minutes ago. there's something about that song that touches me, and i think it's because relate to what the band is saying. it's so easy for me to live under pretense, and the song always reminds me that insincerity is so unnecessary. i heard the song for the first time flying home from boston, and i cried. i don't even really know why. i didn't know what the lyrics meant at first, but i thought it was so beautiful. having the courage and the desire to be me enough to go on a trip independently was a big deal. i have lived so long trying to fit into someone else's mold that being myself seems unnatural sometimes, so i'm striving all the time to remain authentic in who i am and who God created me to be. today i ate lunch alone again. i've done this a lot lately. i will see movies alone and other solo activities just to remind myself that i don't always require the approval and company of others. i'm such a people pleaser that i often forget to please God or treat myself right.

i'm happy for the discovery i've had recently, and i hope i will be able to find the right balance of pleasing others and leaving time to have a healthy personal life. i guess i'll just continue to 'give all my secrets away' in the meantime as i grow into this new idea. i think it's a pretty nifty thing.