time

2010 has been quite a year. i know it's not over, but i feel like i've crammed a lot of life into it. i think i can successfully say i did more living in this year than i've done in any years prior. i broke so many of my rules, and that process has been both scary and rewarding. this year has changed so much how i feel about time itself.

how am i spending my time?
what is time, really?
how do time and dreaming correlate (i'm convinced they do)?
is my attitude positive or negative during the majority of my time?
am i valuing the time i've been given?
is time another simple man-made instrument or God-ordained idea?
am i ordering my time based on social stigmas or my conscience?
who is worthy of my time?
how much does history's routine affect how i feel comfortable spending today's time?
how can i quit wasting time?
how can i maintain radical and spontaneous uses of my time throughout an average life?
is my mind accurately interpreting my time through memories and analysis?

i enjoy thinking. let me rephrase that--i'm utterly fascinated with my mental capacity. i like getting so deep into my intellect that i feel insecure over it. i feel like the human mind is such a feeble thing. i'm not referring to the idea that many people don't actually use their minds--which they don't. they mindlessly follow social norms and trivial desires within the physical realm. i'm guilty of this too. what i'm suggesting is that the human brain just isn't enough. i see evidence everywhere, mental illness being the number one. on that note, i'm a firm believer that everyone has a tick or a quirk. some people are just too arrogant to search out and admit it. i'm sure there's some norm as far as mental capacity goes, but everyone has some unique pattern that individualizes their own brains.

i'm usually very selective over who i share intellectual conversations with. my deepest convictions and the depth of my musings and dreams just seem like such personal things. my friend jamie joyce inspired me this summer to share more of myself in this respect. he's really an incredible guy. he displays such a large desire to connect with people on more than just a trivial level. he wants to know you for everything that you are from the most shallow to the very deepest core. what an inspiration! it's so easy for me to mimic the trivialities of the world around me. having "fun" and asking about the day-to-day and sharing laughs over the cynicism of daily grind is easy to dumb down and experience. but how many people have i experienced down to their very soul?

in such an informational world, it's easy to base our connections on simple data. i want so much more than that. i want to hold the things that can't be held. i want to attempt to know the things that can't be known. i love to test the heights and depths of my mind. it's so small, and i am so unable to comprehend so much. i look at the sky and i think of all the people who have lived and who will live and see the very same sky. who am i to feel so important that i can display any amount of cynicism about time? who am i to say i know anything at all? i can talk such mindless drivel all day long about popular culture in the world, but what value does any of that really have?

i could write all day about the mind. about how the mind is in a war between what is Godly and what is not. about how my mind is completely weak without the Holy Spirit to guide me. about how the mind lies to itself and creates completely different memories from those that actually occur. about how my eyes can't even physically see the world as it is because of the way my mind has trained them to view it. about how i feel like there must be some spiritual purpose for the night's dreams. about how i wish i could live within my imagination. about how i dream to spend years training my mind in the ways of the Lord and exercising my intellect into new boundaries, but i know that the trivial distractions of success, money and life will slow the process down indefinitely.

i'm a procrastinator. time waster. completely caught up in the world around me. i'm talented. i long to be accepted. i long to please people. i long to have attention. i spend so much time. i spend it and spend it until it is gone. i can manage to juggle a million endeavors, but i can't make the time to manage my own mind. that's the ultimate sin, i think. the one that won't be conquered in my lifetime--using my time to complete fullness. don't ask me where this came from. it's sort of a vomit because i'm stressed. i work. fun. sleep. church. work. fun. sleep. church. work. i just look at the year and i filled it so perfectly, and i enjoyed the beauty of most of it in my mind. i hope i will always be able to take a breath and enjoy the beauty around me. i was overwhelmed earlier, and i rested my head on the back of the couch, looked at the ceiling and sighed an enormously long breath. and all i could think about was the overwhelming nature of time.