home

i'm feeling ultra-conscious tonight. does that make any sense? i think i'm so past exhaustion that i'm in a completely backwards reality. i kept feeling like i was dying on the way home, like all of my senses were more alert than normal. i'm neurotic and paranoid from all the tired, i suppose. i'm really glad i've been so involved in organizing everything for this relevate trip, but i'm very overwhelmed. i still have over half of my lines to memorize tomorrow. we're leaving sunday to perform. i can't believe it. it sure doesn't feel like a summer has passed. there hasn't been a second that i've been unbusy, yet i simultaneously feel like i've been on vacation from my life. this doesn't feel like my life. i'm ready to go back to my life. i don't guess things work that way though.

i'm so broken hearted today. everything feels heavy. i'm doing so much "good," according to everyone around me, and it does bring me a significant amount of joy. however, i feel so lost. i feel like all of my dreams and desires are a mess. instead of gaining more direction, i feel like i'm gathering a ton of confusion. i'm so tired of caring about all the things that don't care about me. i don't want to give up. i wish i could be numb to the way i feel right now, because it's agonizing. it's two o'clock in the morning, and i can't sleep. my stomach is in knots. i keep picking up my phone to find something stupid to say, but then i remind myself that there's no one who really wants to hear me. why have all of these feelings been so everpresent for me? i get to be an afterthought or maybe even a memory to other more enticing realities, but you're still with me everywhere. it's inconsiderate of you, really, to haunt me so. maybe it would be easier to get angry, so at least i could have some motivation to move in some direction. i've clearly been driven crazy by jealousy and neglect, moreso than i would even admit to myself.

i have too much stuff. i feel like giving a lot of it away, like the obnoxious computer i barely use. why did i want it so badly? or maybe the camera i never learned how to work. or maybe the gazillions of clothes i use to mask my self-loathing. or maybe the x-box i waste my time playing. grits shed her whole top coat last week. i don't know if that's supposed to happen, but it didn't hurt her. she enjoyed losing it, because it made her feel better in the weather. i'm as simple as a cat, but human excuses give us the "right" to be more complex in our decisions, i suppose. i'm still neurotic about backing out of the driveway because of owen. i wonder if i will ever be the same. one more week of undergrad until i'm done forever. i plan on reading a lot of books and trying to fight off the large depression that i know is coming. i hate to be that pessimistic, and i'm not trying to wish misfortune on myself. i've just been running now since may. i haven't done a whole lot of stopping, and everything is about to come to a hault once this week ends. no school, no activities. just the minimum. just the desk at work that makes me sad. it reminds me of running over owen, getting dumped, worrying & mulling, being dissatisfied with the career path i've chosen because i'm unhappy there. just the quiet room with a few smudged fingerprints on the wall, and if i try really hard to work my imagination, i can feel you here. i'm effing sad. pathetic. i want to lose all the hope i have. maybe that's what i'll work on when i get home. rather than saying, i'll try again when i get home, i shouldn't shame myself so brutally and just try harder to forget. i really wish i wanted to. this was definitely the wrong time to blog. i'll just blame it on a bad case of the lonelies, i suppose. understatement of the century.

if my stomach would cooperate, i would sleep. have you ever heard the song "home" by michael buble? it's my theme right now. i haven't ever been super into him, but i adore that song. it expresses many of my current feelings. you know, i never looked good in red lipstick. the hills are over, too. it kinda blew my mind. i can tell i'm uber sentimental, because i ever felt anguish over losing that six-year constant in my life. i want to be a cartoon one day. i'm dozing off. goodnight.