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i had one of those dreams last night that was just shy of reality. dreams. i love them. is it strange to want to live inside my brain? probably. i think of all the possibilities. during lucid dreams--those dreams in which the dreamer is conscious enough to make decisions within the context of the dream--i feel as if i could stay. last night's dream flowed in and out of a lucid state. in dreams, i could meet God, or at least my mind's version of Him. i could have you, without any of your objections or any of the consequences of time's cruelty. i could fly. i could jump off of a cliff, and land without dying. or maybe i would die, because i've never slept long enough to endure the landing of such a fall. i'm always startled awake. i could avoid all of the things in this reality that pull at me. i wouldn't have to please everyone or worry about stepping on toes. no responsibilities or trivial tasks.

the dream was depressing and not because it was wonderful. it sucked. you were there. i was there. you ignored me. i tried to persuade you not to ignore me. it made me feel crappy in the dream. i woke up feeling crappy in reality. i'm fascinated how dreams can warrant this in reality. i had been pondering the issue yesterday, but the dream made it much more real today. it brought me back to a familiar state of denial about the disconnect i feel between what i want and what i am. i'm tired of cycling through this. not only does kubler-ross occur over the long-term, i feel as if i go through all five of the stages everyday. i'm so exhausted.

i'm so much more fascinated by dreams lately, because i feel like i'm living in one. not a warm or a cold dream, really, but a neutral dream. i'll try to explain what i mean. something i know without doubt: i've left a vital piece of my reality behind me. something that will ultimately come back into my reality again to remain. maybe you think that's presumptuous of me, but i know. and i won't be convinced of anything less until i hear it from the One who orginally convinced me. this ever-present disconnect i've been experienicing has treated me nicely, and i've grown. i have gained understanding. i've gained some cconfusion, too. it's hard not to want to control and push things forward. i struggle. i struggled today and lost. i've lost a lot lately, but i'm working on dilligence. this journey could be long, much longer than even i imagined. i imagine one day it won't feel like a dream anymore. or maybe i'm all wrong. maybe i projected too much of myself into divine planning, but that is denial, too. there's not a lot of comfort in remaining where i am right now. this situation burdens me daily, and i'm praying it won't completely consume the rest of me. it's such a struggle to let it go.