Maryland

i still haven't had time to process the trip i just took with relevate to the maryland area, but i already have the strongest urge to write about it. i come back home feeling equal parts rotten and hopeful. i feel so spoiled, selfish & ungrateful. seeing such underprivileged kids light up and run to us with open arms each morning, just begging to be loved on and played with, made me feel so unnecessarily complex and wrapped up in the trivialities of my life. it's easy to pat myself on the back for the good in which i involve myself. yea, i go play with local kids at gillespie park every once in a while. i'll work at the food back, habitat & the humane society when i find time or when i feel guilty.

i give my time to ministries i'm passionate about, but i want my heart to beat more strongly for these things. i want to live and breathe this kind of mission work. everything we did this week was so relevant. we met these kids where they were, and once we built trust, we were able to present the gospel in a way they understood. i was humbled by such an opportunity. we met kids in baltimore that we didn't get to directly share the gospel with, but just being able to serve them blessed my heart. i can't explain the joy i felt standing in the street of the hot block and holding onto some kid's bike while he bounced in an inflatable jump house. tying some baby boy's shoes and watching kids smile when they received a balloon--things that are so trivial, things that we might not "have time for" in our everyday lives--these things touched my heart this week. i enjoyed partake in even a small moment of ease and happiness for these kids, because they may not have a whole lot of that in their daily lives.

and to see the students in our youth group giving like they did in their own individual ways simply floored me. none of us really knew what this week would turn into. we knew we'd do some songs, some skits and some crafts--but the rest was really up in the air. how would the kids receive us? what would the atmosphere be like? our students went in fearlessly and without question. they built relationships without giving a thought about the ugly possibilities. the unity and the willingness i saw in our students this week inspired me and filled me with joy. each of our students has different abilities and gifts, and they used those individual strengths to make this week successful for God's glory.

i went into last week with a lot of personal battles. i was angry and stressed over the pettiest of things that just weren't going my way. i was finishing school, and there just wasn't time enough to get all of my tasks done before i left. i was worrying myself to death over what i would do upon returning from the trip. what jobs will i apply for? will i continue applying for graduate school? what are my next steps? some people might think that going to the beach for a week to relax would cure that kind of problem, but i found that serving others last week changed my heart a lot more thoroughly than any relaxation might have helped me through. i didn't gain a lot of answers to these worries in my life. in fact, i think i came back with more questions than i left with. again, these are things i'm still processing. i wish i could explain the depth of things going on in my heart and mind.

the focus of my summer has been finding "direction." is theatre just my passion, or is that my calling? should i continue working with marketing even though i dislike it? should i go back to school? should i become a teacher? is my calling to work in missions or youth? i've been trying to map my way through a network of complicated highways, when really the only direction i need to be worried about is heading toward God. when i was teaching those kids the simple priniciples in our curriculum this week, i was convicted about how much i was narrowing my possibilities. i was becoming so legalistic and rule-driven that i think i might have been hindering God working in my own life. i'm just so thrilled that God can work through me even when i'm being stubborn and human in letting him work in me. i look forward to what God reveals next to me and the works He is going to do in and through me. i feel thoroughly blessed through what He's already done, and i look forward to sharing more in the future.