like glue

it's beyond me. we all live on this earth to build relationships with others and communicate the stuff of value to one another. i would say that, besides loving, my living purpose is to share. i don't mean simply the overshare that comes from endless talking, but the sharing that imprints a connection between me and those that i meet and live life around. there is such a disconnect in this technological age. relationships are less personal, more selfish and not at all functional.

this is the third time this year i've been confused to find out that someone i know and have no known issues with has deleted me as a facebook friend. it's creepy almost to find out that a distant acquaintance has the energy to remove me from their news feed because of some unknown offense. more than creepy, it's comical. however, after a good laugh, it's really quite sad. to know that energy has been spent disliking me when i haven't even so much as thought of that person makes me feel like i've failed. i handle my daily relationships with care, because i value them. i value people. i value them enough to approach them with a wrong or a hurt.

i hate social media for making friendship so lazy. i hate it for creating the opportunity to be cowardly in working out relational issues. see, because in reality, if you had a problem with me, you couldn't make ambiguously snarky comments on my status updates or write something vaguely rude referencing my actions on our mutual friend's wall. of course, i'm hypothetically speaking. why do such people get pleasure out being publically rude? why can't they just be quietly kind and supportive of their friend, rather than wasting time dragging me through the mud? the tragedy is that, although it stings to be the victim of such immaturity, i am not the one who remains embarrassed. i'm grateful to have a support system of people who build me up and appreciate not only me, but the person i lost. i guess that's why i'm shocked and giggling that i've been so ridiculously dissed by justin's friends, because none of my friends hold a negative opinion of him. they don't hold negative opinions of his friends either, because i certainly don't. i've always been grateful for the happiness they've created for him, even though i never was able to make a connection with them myself. i guess i was expecting the same respect. then again, i am writing a blog about these people, but i don't even know how to approach a person i barely know about an issue of which i am unaware. what an ironic paradox that is.

when i speak of justin, it's never negatively. at camp, all the girls were talking about all the cheesy romantic things their high school boyfriends had done, and i got to share justin as an illustration of creative and thoughtful romance, because he always went out of his way to sweep me off of my feet in the most innovative ways. the girls were amazed at all the stuff i described, and i told them how truly lucky i still feel today. maybe it's strange that i don't hate him. maybe i should have built an army of friends who attack his every mistake or flaw on the forum of my facebook wall, but i just don't have the energy to do that. i don't have the desire. i can honestly say that i appreciate justin more today than i did when i was in the height of our relationship. hindsight has brought a lot of understanding about the things i lack in satisfying my partner. i still have a long way to go, but that doesn't change the fact that i

not that i have done a lot of holding back, but i deleted the sentences i began writing here. i'm so eager to say some things that really can only be worked out spiritually.