give thanks.

the transition is finally here. brittany and logan are the first to leave tomorrow. summer is ending, and so are the internships. this summer has taught me a lot about letting go. letting go of people, especially. i was so apprehensive at the beginning of the summer to build friendships with these new faces at church, because i knew i'd love them and that they'd leave at the end of the summer. i just didn't think i could handle that given the losses i'd endured in relationships earlier in the summer. i was wrong though. i decided to suck up my fatalistic ways, and i made some really awesome new friends. i feel so blessed to have made such wonderful friends over this summer, and i can honestly say that this has been one of the greatest seasons of my life.

there are worse things in life than losing people. i may never see some of my friends again, but i think a larger tragedy would have been to never know them at all. learning their testimonies and growing from their company has made me a better person. my life is more full having known them. being fearless in building relationships is something i'm no good at. i'm selfish, and i like to keep what i gain. i don't like to watch it go. i don't like to be out of control. unfortunately, life doesn't work like that. my heart will have to break. i have to let things go when it's time. i had to let my kids in maryland go at the end of the week. i feel like God is training me for the heartbreak of mission work. traveling and serving people ultimately means building a touching connection with others that i'm not able to keep. i never thought i was made for that kind of thing, and it's still something i feel ultimately unprepared for. it's not within me to do such things, but i know that by God's hand, i'm able and willing.

it's times like these when i know my experiences are no mistake. life feels like a movie, because it's all linear. my life is so blessed. i don't deserve it. i'm such a failure, and i'm in awe that God could love me so much. He gave His life for me, and He gives me a gloriously full life daily. i'm grateful for a season in which i've seen so much fruit and so much joy. it's so refreshing after a long season of confusion and emptiness. the friends i've made are going to do wonderful things in their lives. i will see them again. we've spent a wonderful summer serving the Lord and others together, and i'll never forget it. one day, we'll all be in eternity together. though i can't quite wrap my brain around that, i find that simply spectacular.

i'm looking forward with an open mind. i have no idea about the future, really. what i'm doing now is more than i could have ever dreamed. i've applied for seminary, and i've talked to my parents. it looks like i'll really be going. i'm serving with youth again and helping with relevate a ton, and i get excited just thinking about what God is doing in both of those ministries. i don't deserve to be a part of such amazing things, and yet i have such an awesome privilege. i might have a cool, new job working for the city doing theatre stuff. i feel so provided for, and i don't have many worries at all. i know even if my house blows up tomorrow and everyone started to hate me that the Lord would make a way out of all of it, because he's redeemed my life from many tangled messes. i'm so glad He decided to use my mess of a life the way He has. i'm so very thankful today.