tententen.

i missed church this morning. i hate missing church. the past few weeks have been up and down for me, and i think i hit bottom last night. i couldn't sleep, and i just stayed up and searched out what my problem was. i'm really confused and disappointed in myself. i got really unfocused on my relationship with the Lord, and i realized how much i really do lack in being a good person. what i mean is, i can't be good on my own. like, i need the Lord to work in me and through me to be any sort of good--because nothing about me naturally wants to be good.

i'm really a wreck right now. i've taken a few steps backward, and i've been in denial about it. i've allowed things into my mind and my thoughts, and therefore into my actions, that just isn't what i want in life. and it's definitely not what God wants for my life either. through all my hurt, i think i might have hurt people around me, and that disappoints me greatly. however, i'm moving forward and forgiving myself. i can't dwell in this place where i try to control everything and please everyone. i'm just focusing on the Lord and i'm going to take whatever He brings me. that's all really.

i know everyone makes bad choices sometimes. i know i'm human. but for some reason, when it comes to me, i have too much pride to accept that. why do i hold myself to a higher standard? it's so easy for me to show grace and mercy to others, but i have such a difficult time showing it to myself. if God has moved on from it, why don't i allow myself? it's pretty sinful, i guess. so, i've made a resolution to heal from this and stop trying so hard to perform. there are so many situations in my past that i just won't forgive myself for, and i'm devoting some time to sorting through those situations so i can be a better person.

i wrote an earlier blog about being the kind of person that i want my future partner to be--and one of those qualities was sincerity. i'm living under a lot of pretense right now. i'm trying to pretend i'm "up" when i am really, really "down." in all reality, i'm confused, and i've lost a lot of direction. i hate to disappoint everyone who believes in me, but that's truly where i am. i'm working through it, and i am trying to re-evaluate and reinvest my time into the right areas. it's going to take time for me to get through this, but it's something i'm really passionate about fixing. healing isn't fun.

it's much easier to distract myself and justify my human nature, but at the end of the day--my life isn't mine. there's something i'm here on this earth to accomplish, and being selfish just isn't getting that job done. i'm not a failure, and i've got to stop playing around and get to the place i need to be. quite frankly, i don't care who i lose in that endeavor, because they weren't a part of the plan if they have a problem with it. operating in fear is my specialty, and i think that's about to have to go, too.

i know it sounds like someone has died or i've murdered someone or something completely crazy, but it's not really all that surface level. i just stopped caring as much about the One Thing that matters, and i'm really grieved about it. i almost wish i had killed someone and it were that simple to get through--but it's not. there's a lot of depression and deep things going on in my mind and heart. i'm going to be fine, and i immediately feel joyful and hopeful now that i have repented of this situation i've put myself in. i'm promising myself to move slowly in the coming months through everything. more than anything, i want a clear mind and a pure heart as i move into a new year.

i want to be an encouragement to the people around me. i want to make a difference and pour into the people who love me. i want a full life. not full of fun and full of me all the time like i've let occur lately, but full of the joy and purpose that only God can bring. i want to show Christ and be known as someone who tried. i'll never be a perfect example, but i want to have tried my very best to display Him as well as i could. i want to be free of burdens so that i can do the things God directs me toward, and i just haven't been living in that freedom lately. i've been trapped in this weird, repetitive, ungratifying funk of serving only myself. and i was miserable. i'm so thankful for a God who can redeem me from my own weak mind and restore my joy and the meaning in my life. i just don't know how people operate who don't believe in Christ, because without Him my life is a complete void.

stubborn

i tallied the number of times a woman clicked her pen in church this week. it was over 3o times. i try really hard not to let things like that bother me, but i can't help it. it's funny how obsessive i am over repetitions like that. how i have to put the cap of an open pen back on every open pen i see. how i can't use hand sanitizer without having lotion nearby because i hate the way my hands feel. how i get a weird tick when someone tries to touch my ultra-ticklish neck. how come my OCD causes me to be so specific about pointless things? why can't it hinder me from being stupid in the areas that really matter? oh, areas like--oh, gee, i don't know. relationships? people?

i'm a stubborn person, and i will do what i want to do for the most part. usually at my own expense. i feel like when everyone around me feels like strangers that maybe i might admit i'm doing something wrong. when my biggest supporters tell me to ditch a 'friendship' that isn't enough for me, i should probably follow their advice. when i feel sick after hearing that truth but then justify my involvement, i think i prove my foolishness quite a bit.

here's a topic that's been frustrating me recently. i haven't had the guts to write about it, but now i don't care because it's done. i just decided it's not fun anymore, really. it started out easy to put on the facade that i was fine with some pseudo-relationship that i can classify as friendship with no commitments. in fact, that did seem fun. i was convinced that having my cake and eating it was the way to live for a couple of months there. i can have all the perks of having a boyfriend without actually having to deal with one.

it was cool to further my humanistic cynicism that relationships just create hurt and confusion and do nothing but hold me back and bring drama. but deep down, i know i don't truly believe that. i know one day i'll start a friendship that turns into a relationship that will grow and never end. i know that i'm daily turning into a better me for that person, and that's the reason i didn't want to date for a while so that i could be the BEST for that person without distractions--even if i knew him right now, even if i wanted to date him now. i know that a good percentage of the failures in my last relationships have been because i loved the idea of a person instead of the person himself.

trying to pretend that i didn't want a relationship when i truly have these standards was foolish and wasteful. spending time and energy on anyone is a gift. a very precious gift. and when you're giving gifts to someone who doesn't appreciate them, you're the fool. not him. he's just a lucky taker who enjoys not having to work very hard to receive the benefits of your time and energy. who doesn't love attention? i certainly do. why wouldn't a guy show just enough interest to keep an awesome girl around to keep getting that attention? i can't fault him. not that this dude is a mean guy, because he's not. he's a gentleman, a sweet guy. he never did anything mean or wrong, but when someone is willing to disappoint you in small ways, they're willing to disappoint you in big ways--and frankly, that's just not something i'm willing to endure. and when you feel uncomfortable sharing the way you feel and you spend more time being stressed over a friendship than not being stressed, it's probably time to reevaluate your involvement.

i write all this to apologize to the people around me. i was in this toxic, time consuming thing, and it was so fun being distracted for a little bit--but then it was just agonizing because i wasn't able to focus on the things and the people who mean the most to me. it was my fault. i was lonely, and i wanted someone to pretend with. that was stupid. for any girls out there, i encourage you to never pursue something you know will end.

i encourage you to never pursue a guy at all. let him display all the interest, and you get involved at your own discretion, if the guy seems like a promising person who'd be worthy of your time, energy and affection. never stop taking seriously the people you spend your time on. the second you spend time on a person, you give them something very valuable and nonrefundable. when you waste that value, you can easily become bitter and frustrated with that person even though it's not their fault. that's why deep friendships and relationships are so meaningful and can get so sticky.

don't chase a boy. and even if you don't chase him, when he invites you in, don't become a part of only his world. if he's not interested in knowing your friends or becoming any part of your world, you haven't found someone who's "shy" or who's "stuck in his ways" or "not good at making new friends." you've found someone who's not that into you. don't make excuses for him. it seems flattering when someone invites you into their life, but if they aren't willing to share or give back in the same respect, they're either selfish or lazy--or both. and more than that, he's not interested in you, or else he'd be falling all over himself to know everything about your life and your friends.

and don't ever mistake courtesy for curiosity. he may send a text or two to ask how your day was, but if it never gets past surface level, he's just maintaining whatever he thinks it requires to keep you appeased and in his world. guys don't have to be anything more than simple to keep a girl around, because the girl will play all the games for him. all a guy has to do is decide what a girl desires and display a fraction of that desire toward the girl, and she'll convince herself of anything if she likes a guy enough. some marriages make themselves this way, i'm convinced. when a girl is willing to make excuses, she's willing to accept dating someone who is not enough for her. and if she's willing to be addicted to a toxic relationship, she's willing to compromise who she is for the comfort of someone who isn't worthy.

don't be that girl. it's easy to be that girl. games are fun. i love card games. i'm so competitive. but when i get done playing rummy or basketball, i can put up the cards and i can pack up the ball. but when i'm playing with my own mind and my time and my emotions, i can't just turn it all off at the end of the day. it's really foolish to even involve yourself with someone who you can't see yourself getting serious with.

and when someone you've invested your hopeful, precious time into looks at you and says, "i just don't want anything serious right now" you should run--fast, in the other direction as far as you can in the other direction and probably never accept contact from that person again. because that person was able to take full stock of all of your qualities and tell you that you just weren't interesting enough to date exclusively, but that he'd still like to have you around for fun. and you're better than being someone's fun. at the end of the day, i want to go to bed knowing i spent my time being respected, effective, inspiring, loving, loved, liked, understood, and meaningful to the people i invest in. not just fun. fun is good in its place, but just don't let that be the one definition a man wants to give you.

i've been pretty down since before my birthday about this. i wanted someone to want to date me that i didn't even want to date. haha, that's a paradox, i know. i was displaying a lot of interest in a guy i wouldn't normally be into, and my games didn't always work, so i just tried to make him want to be interested in me more. which in turn just failed, made me more interested, and obviously made him more frustrated (and i'm sure entertained from all the attention). the truth is, i was bored and feeling lonely when all this began. i thought it'd be fun. and now, like i opened with, it's not fun anymore. it seemed harmless enough, and there really isn't a whole lot of damage done besides the fact that i'm wasting my time.

it was cheap to waste time on someone i had little intention for in my future. that was selfish and wrong. i have the stamina to get ready and wait for a someone who is worthwhile, meets my standards, and completely interested in me. and while i was not ready and waiting, i tried to ignore some pretty worthwhile guys who attempted to hang out with me. don't miss out on great people, because you're too blinded by something lame.

a new friend of mine who probably won't think they play a part in this at all has really given me hope lately. the care with which they interact with me and even the things they say and do in passing really impress me. they remind me why i want to be authentic and the best version of me, and i feel like i'm on my toes again for the first time in a while. people like that make it easy to forget games and silly situations like the one i've discussed here at length. maybe i'll get the chance to thank that person if they become more a part of my life. either way, i don't think it's a coincidence that an encouragement would come at just the right time. it must be the Lord.

i took the time to write this not only as an apology and a limited, lame explanation of where my time was being spent last month--but i wrote it as a warning of sorts, in hopes that others will be inspired to move out of situations that just aren't enough. it doesn't have to be dating. it can be a job or a habit or a friendship. if it's a timesucker, and it's not showing you equivalent respect--it's time to reevaluate at least.

this blog isn't meant to bash anyone but myself for my own decisions, so please don't interpret it in any other way. i started this blog in vomit-worthy honesty, and it wouldn't be fair to withhold just because it's less personal business for other parties. i guess i should make any closely involved family and friends sign a consent waiver for my blog. yep, i'll remember to do that next time. great idea. until next time.

i'm trying

and for the record, that last post makes me never want to blog again.
i just didn't like posting that for some reason. i get angry thinking about the people who will roll their eyes or give me unwarranted advice on how i should handle my life and these issues.
i don't even know who i write for anymore on this blog, because it was clearly directed a specific audience months ago, but now i just feel vulnerable when i write feelings. especially current ones. and i don't feel like i can be honest and say what i want to say, because i'm not writing certain things to avoid certain audiences, which again makes me feel like i'm not being honest.
clearly, this is my issue and no one is at fault for reading my blog.
i guess i'm just mad because i still don't have the courage to be honest.
i'm tired of playing games all the time. knowing human nature so well is sometimes not a gift. being able to put on faces to motivate people to certain outcomes seems like it would be a very profitable gifting, but i get so caught up in it sometimes that i lose myself.
i'm trying so hard to be myself. and i feel like it's bad that i have to do that. try.

a

i've been meaning to blog, but i haven't known what to say. today is my mom's birthday. tomorrow is my dad's. years are passing so much faster now. it's odd, really.
hmmm. what to say...
i've started to write a blog a few times, but i just haven't wanted to be very introspective lately. it gets exhausting. i was so deeply inside of my thoughts this summer that it made me lose touch with reality. i mean, it was good for me to do that with where i was, but it's been a really weird transition.
i am finally begining to realize the little protective bubble i had myself in for a few months there. i would stay at home most of the summer unless i was gone on a trip. and even when i was on trips, i would shut down a lot. except for washington, which was why it was completely exhausting mentally and emotionally for me. that's when things changed, i guess. i sort of created a new life with new friends and avoided anyone from my past who i'd have to answer questions from.
i'm finally hanging out with my friends again. i avoided casey and lindsey for awhile, and now they're back in my world. i'm hanging out with some old friends and new friends. for the past month, my life has been consumed with "fun," i guess. my little bubble was really legalistic and full of work to no end. seeing my friends made me miss all the careless fun that makes up so much of who i am. not that i enjoy wasting time, but i like to be able to spend time with people i love without working on a time-consuming project. and the latter was my summer.
neither of these extremes are a good place for me. the legalistic bubble just made me tired. i was effective at doing good, but how much was i examining and taking in from my awesome experiences? not a lot, and that's pretty shameful. i took on too much, because i'm an eager overacheiver with many abilities. and i got tired. so then i made it to the other extreme of just letting it all go for a little while in order to be irresponsible and have fun doing what i wanted to do. not really caring if i let people down, shutting down my intellect so i could just enjoy trivialities. i'm aware of how dangerous that is as well.
i've been really depressed lately. just completely emotionally exhausted over all of this whirlwind recently. see, because being legalistic, i was able to pretend that i was as put-together as i looked like. but when i'm self-seeking, everyone sees the disappointing weaknesses i have. having so many friends and people i see everyday makes me happy, but when i'm depressed and when i can't be impressive, i hate it. it makes me even more depressed, because i feel like i'm making a fool out of myself for everyone to see.
i know not everyone really notices or cares, but some people do. my parents have noticed. shelby has noticed. my kids at church have noticed. i'm pretty involved with a guy i like, and i've over-analyzed everything to death so much so that i've really frustrated him a few times. so even he's noticed. i'm back to the same lesson i can never learn--that i can't please everyone. i've backed out on some opportunities lately, and it's been hard. but it's been necessary. my focus on God is flawed. it's not as directed as it should be. it's scattered between people i love and commitments to service and ministry, and i just can't juggle it all anymore.
i'm finding that balance, and i can honestly say that today i'm feeling more joyful that i've felt in a long time. i'm tired of not being myself to everyone. i'm a mess of a person. i have issues. i believe the worst of every situation. i'm currently over-analyzing every situation in my life so much that i can't enjoy any of it. but i'm making a conscious effort to breathe and not punish all the awesome people in my life right now for the damage someone else has done to me in the past.
this post was scattered. i guess i'm just trying to say that i like knowing myself. i like being introspective. i like analyzing people. but it gets exhausting when i'm ever changing and people are ever changing. i can't keep going in cycles of introspection and shallow living. i have to find a balance, because it's super destructive and confusing to the people around me.
ps: the movie "devil" was pretty awesome.

happy birthday to me. :)

life lately. hmmmm.

i found out today that i'm losing my job in a month. i thought i might have more time that that, but i'm trying not to worry. who am i kidding? i feel like i'm about to faint just thinking about it. it's such a struggle for me to find peace that God wasn't surprised by this and that he has it under control.

all i can think about is that i need money to pay for gas, to pay for my weekly shots, and to pay for my compassion international sponsorship. it was just a blow in the face when i wasn't expecting it. i thought i was stable until christmas at least, but it'll work out. happy birthday to me...woohoo!

speaking of, i turn 22 in six days. i can hardly believe it. where did this year go? everything has moved so quickly! 22 is such a weird age. i feel old. i'm getting farther away from my teenage years, but i still feel like a teenager in so many ways.

i've been having so much fun lately. i love all the "me" time i've had to live my life. i'm old enough and alone enough to make decisions now, and i love the freedom. it's not something i've gone crazy with by any means. i can travel on a plane up the coast or i can hop in the car to drive to valdosta for the weekend. i'm responsible for me, and i don't have any dead weight to drag along behind me.

so much of what i did throughout the summer was still based on my previous relationship. i was still subconsciously living under that person's requirements, and don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad arrangement. but is it truly me? are these my values? are these my desires? is this how i truly feel about the issues in my world?

in my search for sincerity and my genuine nature, i think i'm far enough away from that situation mentally to begin exploring these ideas. in fact, i know i'm far enough away, because i started doing it without even realizing.

it's all a part of healing. see, i've never consciously seen myself through the grieving process far enough to know that there are other steps to healing. see, grief is all about survival. it's an agonizing process, where you balance somewhere between drowning in a puddle of self-pity, worthlessness, depression, and jealousy; and distracting yourself without becoming unhealthy or shallow.

after grieving comes rebuilding. how do i take the things i learned in my relationship and apply them to who i truly am? not that i wasn't myself in the relationship, but i did compromise of myself to share life so deeply with another human being. that's why serious relationships are so...serious. they take from you. they change you.

so, how much were the decisions i made really my own? how much of a thought was truly mine or just a means to impress or pacify another person? these are really hard questions to answer. i have to really explore myself and possibly admit to living a lie. pretention isn't easy to admit, especially when it's been running two years deep in your life.

because when i was 20-21, knowing myself wasn't important. all i cared about was knowing who i should be with. knowing the truth wasn't important to me. it was all about finding someone who might know the truth. if you've been there you'll understand me. if you're not an introspective intellectual, you probably aren't following my discourse, but that's OK. now the truth is so evident. Christ. He is so deeply rooted in me now. in the way i think and in the things i do. his mysteries are so much more vast, and i can no longer remember what it was like to so shallowly ponder Him as i did back then. i knew Him then, but i know Him better now.

knowing that truth makes me want to know myself. i put on so many faces. i'm such a good actor that it's a wonder i don't have an academy award by now. i'm such a melting pot of everyone around me and everyone i've ever known. i don't even have my own laugh or my own accent, because i take on whoever i'm around the most.

i'm excited about this phase of life i'm in. it's a little scary and i could make some weird mistakes. however, it feels good to be able to live life focusing on God and on myself. without my focus on anyone else, i feel like i can be honest about my flaws and my convictions. even though there is someone in my life that i'm into, it's something different. i'm completely myself, and i'm just enjoying whatever it is. i'm not changing me to make things work, and i've never had more fun getting to know someone without trying to force it into something too quickly. it may not work out, but it's refreshing and i'm into it.

so happy birthday to me. :)

guy appreciation 101

some things i've written on this blog in recent past may not be completely honest assumptions of myself. maybe i'm just a victim of nostalgia, but either way--i'm not as confidently healed as i thought i was over some issues.

so, shelby & i talked about making a list of qualities we want in our future partners, but we never really did it--or at least we didn't do it together. i thought it was a humorous idea, so i started thinking about it. i dug up some wacko "boyfriend checklist" i had designed on myspace two or three years ago. it made me giggle. some of the stuff on the list was valid, but most of it consisted of what a guy could do for me. as my focus has shifted to the Lord, and as I have also grown up a lot in the past three years--i realize that relationships aren't simply about having a puzzle-piece companion.

in both of my long-term relationships, i rarely ever looked outside of myself to see who they truly were. when i would feel intellectual, i'd comment on it, but i wouldn't really receive a response. i guess they couldn't understand what i was trying to convey, because it was an issue with my selfishness. see, i'm good at appreciating someone on the shallowest levels:

"oh, what a lovely picture."
"you're so kind-hearted."
"you were good playing bass tonight."
"thanks for bringing me ice cream."

but it's always been about me. i appreciate the things i can relate to, and i forget the rest unless i have to. the things that bothered me, i would try to alter rather than just appreciating them & learning from them.

"he should be more intellectual and intelligent. maybe if he changed his major to something smarter? maybe if we read books together?"
"he should be more social. maybe i can force him to enjoy my friends?"

so, i say all that to say that i've started making my list of qualities i'd like in a man, but i've done it with a twist. rather than creating an imaginary man full of impossible details--i'm making a list of qualities i would like to have for my future partner that i would also like him to possess. i figure that makes the most sense, and i really can't believe i haven't had the revelation sooner.

Here's what I have so far:

#1: FAITH: evident & active belief in Christ--the stuff that grows, the stuff that shows.
#2: SINCERITY: speaking & acting how I truly feel.
#3: INDEPENDENCE: having a grasp on myself beyond a relationship.
#4: CONSIDERATION: hand-in-hand with independence; to think of you before i make important decisions.
#5: KINDNESS: showing goodness, tenderness & concern.
#6: MOTIVATION: inspired to grow in all areas, especially those that influence the well-being of the Faith & the home.
#7: APPRECIATION: understanding & loving all, so that I can truly encourage strengths & show patience with weaknesses.

it's a far cry from: "must be attractive & in shape. must have good personal hygene. must understand i'm a nut who wears crazy clothes." yea, that reaaally happened (i'm shaking my head, too). the two of these qualities i'm marginally good at are independence & motivation. i have faith, but i'm cautious to ever feel successful in acheiving anything faithwise--because it's a neverending journey.
i feel sincere most of the time, but i often tell people what they want to hear. i like buttering people up, so that they associate positive energy with me. so i need a lot of work. i'm independent, and i always will be. maybe i'm too good at this one--as in, i'm pretty selfishly ambitious and sometimes all my activities have ruined past relationships. maybe i should take some focus off of that and put it into some of the other categories.
consideration--bleh. i'm terrible at this. i've never had to care how others feel about my decisions, because i grew up alone and did what i wanted. it's so far from me naturally to care, and my inconsiderate nature is usually the reason my relationships end. i really have to get on the ball with working on that, or i'll be 50 & single.
i'm pretty kind, but again, it's usually for the good of myself, not true goodness. i want to be deeply concerned with another being. i've had such trouble connecting like that in the past. motivation, i've got it until i get bored. i need to be more balanced, stable and willing to do undesirable things for the good of others.
and last, but not least, appreciation. i'm no good at this one. i can appreciate a beautiful physique. a talent that i find attractive. intellectual people who connect with me mentally & emotionally. but when it comes to truly knowing someone--knowing their heart, knowing their hurts, knowing their motives, knowing their tendencies--when it comes to understanding someone and knowing them outside of how the affect me and my life, i fail.

that's the one i'm starting to focus on: appreciation. i'm going to attempt to know the people already in my life on a deeper level as practice. i wrote all of this, because i hope i can comment on my progress in later posts. we'll see what happens!

full.

if i were trying to have some sort of eat, pray, love-esque adventure while i was here in Boston, i'd have failed miserably. the pray and the love have gone well, obviously. it's the eat part that's failed me. i've tried so much wonderful food, but like always, i can't enjoy it. i'm so tired of being consumed with how much i weigh. i pay $25 a week to have someone measure my weight loss and to get vitamin shots that help my metabolism stay boosted. who does that?!

i mean, i like someone keeping me accountable. i like having a record of my victories and of my failures as far as health, so i can't lie to myself and all that jazz. most people act surprised when i tell them i weighed 230 pounds in eighth grade. i guess that's a good thing. i'm just so paranoid all the time. if i eat more than one big meal a day, i force myself to take a fiber pill and drink at least four glasses of water and i walk or jog or aerobicise myself into oblivion. i can't just enjoy living and letting go every once in a while.

i get paranoid and obsessed over the possibility of gaining even a pound over the course of a vacation week. it's really embarrassing. it's embarrassing when my friends tell me i have an issue, whether it's because i'm not eating enough, "forgetting" meals so that my waist stays as small as possible in an outfit, or lamenting a larger meal i allowed myself to cave in and enjoy.

when i look at myself, i see a fat girl. i see an unattractive blown-up figure that i can't undo in my brain. i compare myself to others endlessly. i find sitting positions that i feel flatter my body more. i buy my clothes two sizes too big in case i gain a pound or two, so no one will notice. i find clothing fits and styles that i think make me look thinner than reality, and i buy that outfit in every color. i have a walk-closet packed with clothes due to this obsession, and it's terribly sinful.

because i lost weight so quickly and unhealthily in high school--around 65 pounds in a summer--and my weight has constantly fluctuated since then, i have what i think is hideous looking excess skin all over my body. i especially hate my arms. i feel like i have freaking wings hanging off of me. it's the same on my legs and my stomach. i want it removed more than anything, but i feel so guilty spending that kind of money on something so vain.

i feel guilty for all the things i've mentioned in this post. how can i be so vain? how can i care so much about this shell of who i am? after all, my body really is the shell. it isn't me. i don't always hate it, but the majority of the time i do. i get so neurotic over my appearance. i have a horrible habit of going into dressing rooms and picking at my face. i can't stop myself either once i've started. it's like i'm solving all the problems in my world by clearing up my face, aka making my face look like a used battlefield. most of my lifelong friends have seen my face in this condition. it's usually when i'm down about my weight that i do this to my face, because i feel like if i can have my face looking flawlessly no one will notice how hideous my body is. no one will notice that i picked an outfit that makes me look ugly today. maybe if i'm loud and funny enough, no one will notice my nasty arms when i raise my hand.

i'm really down about this today. i thought i had gotten much better than i used to be over this obsession, but i'm not. i've spent thousands of dollars on diets and working out. on clothes. on things that prolong my awful vanity. i did crunches in bed last night at 2 AM, because i had a few scoops of ice cream before bed. i did secret arm curls on the bus today, because i'm especially hating my arms right now.

i know i'm neurotic. i suffer from OCD, just not the kind you'd think. it's a sadder kind, where you obsess over issues, and worries are the compulsion. typical anxiety disorder. we diagnosed it a few years ago. i should probably take some sort of medicine or go to some sort of counseling, but i really hope i can give this to the Lord and let Him help me fix it. i think it's my deepest-rooted sin. this tragic vanity. i hope one day, i'll be able to enjoy what i eat and savor the meals i eat throughout life--healthily, of course.

it's just been on my mind today. i'm in cambridge right now at vux school of music watching jamie teach lessons. we're going to a jewish deli later. i've had such a wonderful time here decompressing and learning. i feel very replenished spiritually and mentally, and i don't want to lose that when i get home. i want to take in as much as i give out. not give of myself to oblivion and then take in all my toxic escape habits to "get away." i'm actually glad to be heading home. it's funny, because i was glad to leave, because life was getting crazy. everything seemed to be getting beyond my control, and now i feel like things are more clear. i'm looking forward to seeing my people, my parents, a boy, my cat, my kids, my life. i'm very grateful for all i have and for all i have experienced in my life. it's full, and that gives me joy.