full.

if i were trying to have some sort of eat, pray, love-esque adventure while i was here in Boston, i'd have failed miserably. the pray and the love have gone well, obviously. it's the eat part that's failed me. i've tried so much wonderful food, but like always, i can't enjoy it. i'm so tired of being consumed with how much i weigh. i pay $25 a week to have someone measure my weight loss and to get vitamin shots that help my metabolism stay boosted. who does that?!

i mean, i like someone keeping me accountable. i like having a record of my victories and of my failures as far as health, so i can't lie to myself and all that jazz. most people act surprised when i tell them i weighed 230 pounds in eighth grade. i guess that's a good thing. i'm just so paranoid all the time. if i eat more than one big meal a day, i force myself to take a fiber pill and drink at least four glasses of water and i walk or jog or aerobicise myself into oblivion. i can't just enjoy living and letting go every once in a while.

i get paranoid and obsessed over the possibility of gaining even a pound over the course of a vacation week. it's really embarrassing. it's embarrassing when my friends tell me i have an issue, whether it's because i'm not eating enough, "forgetting" meals so that my waist stays as small as possible in an outfit, or lamenting a larger meal i allowed myself to cave in and enjoy.

when i look at myself, i see a fat girl. i see an unattractive blown-up figure that i can't undo in my brain. i compare myself to others endlessly. i find sitting positions that i feel flatter my body more. i buy my clothes two sizes too big in case i gain a pound or two, so no one will notice. i find clothing fits and styles that i think make me look thinner than reality, and i buy that outfit in every color. i have a walk-closet packed with clothes due to this obsession, and it's terribly sinful.

because i lost weight so quickly and unhealthily in high school--around 65 pounds in a summer--and my weight has constantly fluctuated since then, i have what i think is hideous looking excess skin all over my body. i especially hate my arms. i feel like i have freaking wings hanging off of me. it's the same on my legs and my stomach. i want it removed more than anything, but i feel so guilty spending that kind of money on something so vain.

i feel guilty for all the things i've mentioned in this post. how can i be so vain? how can i care so much about this shell of who i am? after all, my body really is the shell. it isn't me. i don't always hate it, but the majority of the time i do. i get so neurotic over my appearance. i have a horrible habit of going into dressing rooms and picking at my face. i can't stop myself either once i've started. it's like i'm solving all the problems in my world by clearing up my face, aka making my face look like a used battlefield. most of my lifelong friends have seen my face in this condition. it's usually when i'm down about my weight that i do this to my face, because i feel like if i can have my face looking flawlessly no one will notice how hideous my body is. no one will notice that i picked an outfit that makes me look ugly today. maybe if i'm loud and funny enough, no one will notice my nasty arms when i raise my hand.

i'm really down about this today. i thought i had gotten much better than i used to be over this obsession, but i'm not. i've spent thousands of dollars on diets and working out. on clothes. on things that prolong my awful vanity. i did crunches in bed last night at 2 AM, because i had a few scoops of ice cream before bed. i did secret arm curls on the bus today, because i'm especially hating my arms right now.

i know i'm neurotic. i suffer from OCD, just not the kind you'd think. it's a sadder kind, where you obsess over issues, and worries are the compulsion. typical anxiety disorder. we diagnosed it a few years ago. i should probably take some sort of medicine or go to some sort of counseling, but i really hope i can give this to the Lord and let Him help me fix it. i think it's my deepest-rooted sin. this tragic vanity. i hope one day, i'll be able to enjoy what i eat and savor the meals i eat throughout life--healthily, of course.

it's just been on my mind today. i'm in cambridge right now at vux school of music watching jamie teach lessons. we're going to a jewish deli later. i've had such a wonderful time here decompressing and learning. i feel very replenished spiritually and mentally, and i don't want to lose that when i get home. i want to take in as much as i give out. not give of myself to oblivion and then take in all my toxic escape habits to "get away." i'm actually glad to be heading home. it's funny, because i was glad to leave, because life was getting crazy. everything seemed to be getting beyond my control, and now i feel like things are more clear. i'm looking forward to seeing my people, my parents, a boy, my cat, my kids, my life. i'm very grateful for all i have and for all i have experienced in my life. it's full, and that gives me joy.