my relationship status on facebook has changed. it wasn't really something i expected to happen, but i'm pretty happy about it. i met chipper a couple of years ago when a friend took me to play rockband at his house, but we didn't really hang out much after that. i struck up a conversation with him when i saw him out around my birthday, and we started hanging out. i've done things differently with chipper than i've done in the past, and it's been a pretty big challenge for me. given that i'm completely neurotic, i normally require the input of every acquaintance i know before i give a guy the green light. everyone has to know all of my business and approve before i make a decision, which normally just stresses me out more. i consulted the people i care about the most, and they were all for it. and after i prayed about it and felt a peace, i was all for it.
my life has been such a whirlwind recently with all the changes going on, but i feel better than i have felt in months. things aren't perfect by any means, but i see direction and i feel pretty confident about where my life is heading. i hate pretending so much, and i hate living under other people's convictions and opinions about my life. for the first time in a while, i have the space to be me and figure out what God has for me without everyone whispering in my ear.
i still get texts and facebook messages and kids approaching me asking about gossip and things they've heard about chipper, and i'm glad i'm in the place where i can understand and give grace to that very small-minded, legalistic attitude. in earlier years, i would have gotten discouraged and gone as far away as i could get from that crap. but being involved in church and learning more about the Christian faith has really encouraged me to be an example in any situation i find myself in. at sherwood, it's hard for the general public to understand when someone pulls back a little in their involvement. people get uncomfortable about it, and they start to assume things without having any information. i know this, because i've done it to people. it's common to alienate and accuse someone rather than confront them with a concern, and even though that's sad and frustrating, i'm not letting it stop me from what the Lord has for me at the church he's called me to attend.
because let's face it, the way i choose to spend my time and the people i choose to spend it with is ultimately between me, God and my parents, because they are the authority in my life until i live on my own or until i'm married. i like to share my life with everyone because i'm an open book, but i don't owe anyone an explanation about who i'm dating or why i've decided to pursue a full-time job that takes time away from the things i was able to do in the summer time.
i truly hate experiencing people waste their energy creating false ideas about what i'm doing, which in turns wastes my energy becoming frustrated with instigators who further unnecessary gossip. it's my hope that the Lord will bring understanding to people in my generation soon that we should build each other up through His love by showing grace and mercy to all people. not just the needy children at gillespie park, but the pregnant girl in the youth group and the Christian friends who have gotten distant and the family member who is disappointing you. grace and mercy aren't just for the people it seems easy and convenient to give them to--it's for everyone. and the Lord calls you to show love through grace and mercy far more times than he calls you to rebuke others in love in His Word.
enough of that soapbox. it's just something that's been bothering me lately, because my happiness would be pretty unbeatable if there wasn't a backlash of silly opinions everytime i look at my phone. i feel pretty joyful right now. i love working at lemonade. i feel successful, because i can give my favorite skills toward my everyday tasks to please my boss. i still love sherwood everything i get to be a part of at sherwood, even if there's awkwardness because of some lack of understanding. and i really enjoy the relationship i'm in. i wrote a blog back in april about what i hoped for in my dating life, and it wasn't just fluff. i look back at that, and chipper has all of the qualities i want in a person (here's the link, if you need a reference: http://erinwhatley.blogspot.com/2010/08/guy-appreciation-101.html).
it's my goal to continue to grow in all seven areas as an individual so that i can be the best person i can be for the Lord and as a girlfriend. faith, sincerity, independence, consideration, kindness, motivation & appreciation. they are all such heavy virtues to uphold that i think it could take me a lifetime to succeed in all seven, but i really do love a challenge. :) nothing could really rain on the erin parade at this point. i'm loving life, and i'm being myself--so i couldn't really ask for more. well, i could use more money...but couldn't we all?
- erin whatley
- two-two-niine, Georgia, United States
- i never thought it would be hard to fit a nut into a nutshell, but here's a go at what i'm about. foremost, i know, love and follow the Lord. i'm a wild card. i enjoy being alone as much as i enjoy other people. i eat up anything art-related. i'm an only child. i have a BBA in Marketing & an AA in Fine Arts. i'm the marketing and PR gal for Stewbos group, a job i truly love. i do this part-time, and the rest of the time i'm a stay at home wife/mama to Justin and Vayda. i itch to travel and i delight at learning new things. you'll find i'm neurotic, intellectual, honest and somewhat naive. i'm open and compassionate, yet paradoxically hard on myself. my biggest fear is succumbing to cynicism, and my greatest joy is experiencing growth. my idol is willy wonka, because i never want to grow up. i sing and dance my way through the day. I believe the best ones are full of giggles. i think blogging is rather self-indulgent. writing about my thoughts feels selfish, yet i enjoy the exploration it brings. thanks for stopping by.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
when life gives you lemons...
i'm currently working on a guest blog piece for my friend jonathan, and i've learned it's much harder to write with aim than to just stare at a blank screen and start vomming out words. that's how i work this blog. i feel sorry for people who read it, because it's long paragraphs full of me and all me, all the time. i guess that's where i'll start...
my dad picks on me a lot because i give such detailed explanations of things. i include stupid, vivid details when recalling stories, and i've gotten really self-conscious about it lately. i hate being unaware of how selfish i come across to others. and then i hate being aware of it even more. and then i hate talking about being aware of being selfish, because that seems doubly selfish. what a paradox, huh?
lately, i've tried to be more aware in conversation how much i talk about myself or how much the questions i ask someone are related back to me. i truly care about others, and i enjoy listening and learning about their lives and offering helpful advice. but i can't just rely on those good deeds and pass off my selfish habits. i really want to share relationships with people and not just use them.
for example, casey perkins is my best friend. we have been together since 7th grade, and he knows and understands my tendencies better than most people in my life. i feel like i understand him pretty well, and we make a good pair because we're both very complex and dynamic people. casey understands that i'm completely spontaneous and i will loyally follow a whim at any cost. i'll lose myself in something and forget the people around me, and out of anyone, he's been hurt the most by what many of my friends call my "sketchiness." i'll have the best intentions, but i'll ditch friends and cancel plans to serve myself, and i'll justify it however i can without caring.
just because casey understands this and has endlessly forgiven it over the years doesn't mean that i want to selfishly continue this pattern. starting in 2009ish, i consciously started trying to be more consistent and reliable to the people in my life. i've gotten a lot better, but it's a hard habit to break. being aware of this selfishness and trying to change it hasn't been easy, but casey and friends like him have the care and decency enough to be honest with me about my bad behavior so that i can be better.
i had lunch with casey today, and i don't know what brought it on--but i was just really fascinated and overwhelmed at the progression of our friendship. it hasn't been a perfect ride, but he really means the world to me. he's been the one to stand by my side during two ultra crappy break ups, and he's been so consistently himself throughout my life, and he doesn't act a part to impress other people. even if we don't agree on every opinion, he's always casey--and that's impressive and inspiring. it's hard to be close with casey and not want to be confident in who i am as a person. having that kind of friend in my life makes me a really lucky person.
a lot of people don't understand casey or are intimidated when they meet him, and those people that write him off are really missing out. i can have a good time going out with him or enjoy musing over intellectual ideas with him, and no one gives me more of a forum to be myself. no one friend has earned the right to speak about my relationships like casey has either, because he's pretty much always hit the mark with his evaluations in my life--and no one friend has come over like he has to comfort me in the middle of the night by singing glee karaoke when i've been crappily dumped over the telephone. he listens endlessly about my life and my problems, and we've shared a million fun memories together. so, thank you, casey, for everything you are to me. i love you a ton.
i was musing over all of this today, and i began to wonder if i had truly been as great a friend to casey as he has been to me. probably not, in all honesty. but wondering that, it inspired me to think less of myself, think less about the people who come and go, and stop focusing on mindless drivel that i do day to day. i want to focus on being there and being good to the people who are there and good to me. like casey, lindsey, my parents, anna, shelby, etc. all of my closest friends are givers, and by nature, i am a taker. i want to take steps to be more of a giver in my friendships. i'm feeling very inspired by this, and i hope that one day i will lose a lot of these selfish qualities.
as far as this blog, it's documenting my journey in life, so i'll probably continue to talk about myself here. i mean, that's what it's here for, after all. i started an internship at lemonade marketing firm and i have a really wonderful feeling about it. i'm already taking pride in my work, and i think it's going to bring a lot of growth and learning in my field. it's not what i planned for my life at this point, but clearly it's what God wants--and i'm excited about it. a lot of things are falling into place and i am gaining focus and direction again.
i made the decision to renounce my position as an intern at sherwood. i'm not quitting my activities there, but i just can't give the time like kenny and shelby do. i don't want to make a mockery of what an intern does when i can't keep up with all the events and information. i love the youth, and i will still be serving in relevate and at youth events when possible. i've just been enduring a lot of mental and spiritual stress by trying to juggle everything in my life, and i haven't been able to really serve like i want to for a while. i hate the idea of failing or taking a step back from things, but i think the bigger failure would be to continue in all of these directions when i'm just not capable. it would be selfish to continue an internship simply for the prestige and value of the title when i just can't perform the duties. i'm trying to be wise and prayerful about my decisions, and that one was hard to make. i hope people will understand, but i know that God, my parents and i are all involved in it--so that's all that really matters. that's all i have for today!
my dad picks on me a lot because i give such detailed explanations of things. i include stupid, vivid details when recalling stories, and i've gotten really self-conscious about it lately. i hate being unaware of how selfish i come across to others. and then i hate being aware of it even more. and then i hate talking about being aware of being selfish, because that seems doubly selfish. what a paradox, huh?
lately, i've tried to be more aware in conversation how much i talk about myself or how much the questions i ask someone are related back to me. i truly care about others, and i enjoy listening and learning about their lives and offering helpful advice. but i can't just rely on those good deeds and pass off my selfish habits. i really want to share relationships with people and not just use them.
for example, casey perkins is my best friend. we have been together since 7th grade, and he knows and understands my tendencies better than most people in my life. i feel like i understand him pretty well, and we make a good pair because we're both very complex and dynamic people. casey understands that i'm completely spontaneous and i will loyally follow a whim at any cost. i'll lose myself in something and forget the people around me, and out of anyone, he's been hurt the most by what many of my friends call my "sketchiness." i'll have the best intentions, but i'll ditch friends and cancel plans to serve myself, and i'll justify it however i can without caring.
just because casey understands this and has endlessly forgiven it over the years doesn't mean that i want to selfishly continue this pattern. starting in 2009ish, i consciously started trying to be more consistent and reliable to the people in my life. i've gotten a lot better, but it's a hard habit to break. being aware of this selfishness and trying to change it hasn't been easy, but casey and friends like him have the care and decency enough to be honest with me about my bad behavior so that i can be better.
i had lunch with casey today, and i don't know what brought it on--but i was just really fascinated and overwhelmed at the progression of our friendship. it hasn't been a perfect ride, but he really means the world to me. he's been the one to stand by my side during two ultra crappy break ups, and he's been so consistently himself throughout my life, and he doesn't act a part to impress other people. even if we don't agree on every opinion, he's always casey--and that's impressive and inspiring. it's hard to be close with casey and not want to be confident in who i am as a person. having that kind of friend in my life makes me a really lucky person.
a lot of people don't understand casey or are intimidated when they meet him, and those people that write him off are really missing out. i can have a good time going out with him or enjoy musing over intellectual ideas with him, and no one gives me more of a forum to be myself. no one friend has earned the right to speak about my relationships like casey has either, because he's pretty much always hit the mark with his evaluations in my life--and no one friend has come over like he has to comfort me in the middle of the night by singing glee karaoke when i've been crappily dumped over the telephone. he listens endlessly about my life and my problems, and we've shared a million fun memories together. so, thank you, casey, for everything you are to me. i love you a ton.
i was musing over all of this today, and i began to wonder if i had truly been as great a friend to casey as he has been to me. probably not, in all honesty. but wondering that, it inspired me to think less of myself, think less about the people who come and go, and stop focusing on mindless drivel that i do day to day. i want to focus on being there and being good to the people who are there and good to me. like casey, lindsey, my parents, anna, shelby, etc. all of my closest friends are givers, and by nature, i am a taker. i want to take steps to be more of a giver in my friendships. i'm feeling very inspired by this, and i hope that one day i will lose a lot of these selfish qualities.
as far as this blog, it's documenting my journey in life, so i'll probably continue to talk about myself here. i mean, that's what it's here for, after all. i started an internship at lemonade marketing firm and i have a really wonderful feeling about it. i'm already taking pride in my work, and i think it's going to bring a lot of growth and learning in my field. it's not what i planned for my life at this point, but clearly it's what God wants--and i'm excited about it. a lot of things are falling into place and i am gaining focus and direction again.
i made the decision to renounce my position as an intern at sherwood. i'm not quitting my activities there, but i just can't give the time like kenny and shelby do. i don't want to make a mockery of what an intern does when i can't keep up with all the events and information. i love the youth, and i will still be serving in relevate and at youth events when possible. i've just been enduring a lot of mental and spiritual stress by trying to juggle everything in my life, and i haven't been able to really serve like i want to for a while. i hate the idea of failing or taking a step back from things, but i think the bigger failure would be to continue in all of these directions when i'm just not capable. it would be selfish to continue an internship simply for the prestige and value of the title when i just can't perform the duties. i'm trying to be wise and prayerful about my decisions, and that one was hard to make. i hope people will understand, but i know that God, my parents and i are all involved in it--so that's all that really matters. that's all i have for today!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
tententen.
i missed church this morning. i hate missing church. the past few weeks have been up and down for me, and i think i hit bottom last night. i couldn't sleep, and i just stayed up and searched out what my problem was. i'm really confused and disappointed in myself. i got really unfocused on my relationship with the Lord, and i realized how much i really do lack in being a good person. what i mean is, i can't be good on my own. like, i need the Lord to work in me and through me to be any sort of good--because nothing about me naturally wants to be good.
i'm really a wreck right now. i've taken a few steps backward, and i've been in denial about it. i've allowed things into my mind and my thoughts, and therefore into my actions, that just isn't what i want in life. and it's definitely not what God wants for my life either. through all my hurt, i think i might have hurt people around me, and that disappoints me greatly. however, i'm moving forward and forgiving myself. i can't dwell in this place where i try to control everything and please everyone. i'm just focusing on the Lord and i'm going to take whatever He brings me. that's all really.
i know everyone makes bad choices sometimes. i know i'm human. but for some reason, when it comes to me, i have too much pride to accept that. why do i hold myself to a higher standard? it's so easy for me to show grace and mercy to others, but i have such a difficult time showing it to myself. if God has moved on from it, why don't i allow myself? it's pretty sinful, i guess. so, i've made a resolution to heal from this and stop trying so hard to perform. there are so many situations in my past that i just won't forgive myself for, and i'm devoting some time to sorting through those situations so i can be a better person.
i wrote an earlier blog about being the kind of person that i want my future partner to be--and one of those qualities was sincerity. i'm living under a lot of pretense right now. i'm trying to pretend i'm "up" when i am really, really "down." in all reality, i'm confused, and i've lost a lot of direction. i hate to disappoint everyone who believes in me, but that's truly where i am. i'm working through it, and i am trying to re-evaluate and reinvest my time into the right areas. it's going to take time for me to get through this, but it's something i'm really passionate about fixing. healing isn't fun.
it's much easier to distract myself and justify my human nature, but at the end of the day--my life isn't mine. there's something i'm here on this earth to accomplish, and being selfish just isn't getting that job done. i'm not a failure, and i've got to stop playing around and get to the place i need to be. quite frankly, i don't care who i lose in that endeavor, because they weren't a part of the plan if they have a problem with it. operating in fear is my specialty, and i think that's about to have to go, too.
i know it sounds like someone has died or i've murdered someone or something completely crazy, but it's not really all that surface level. i just stopped caring as much about the One Thing that matters, and i'm really grieved about it. i almost wish i had killed someone and it were that simple to get through--but it's not. there's a lot of depression and deep things going on in my mind and heart. i'm going to be fine, and i immediately feel joyful and hopeful now that i have repented of this situation i've put myself in. i'm promising myself to move slowly in the coming months through everything. more than anything, i want a clear mind and a pure heart as i move into a new year.
i want to be an encouragement to the people around me. i want to make a difference and pour into the people who love me. i want a full life. not full of fun and full of me all the time like i've let occur lately, but full of the joy and purpose that only God can bring. i want to show Christ and be known as someone who tried. i'll never be a perfect example, but i want to have tried my very best to display Him as well as i could. i want to be free of burdens so that i can do the things God directs me toward, and i just haven't been living in that freedom lately. i've been trapped in this weird, repetitive, ungratifying funk of serving only myself. and i was miserable. i'm so thankful for a God who can redeem me from my own weak mind and restore my joy and the meaning in my life. i just don't know how people operate who don't believe in Christ, because without Him my life is a complete void.
i'm really a wreck right now. i've taken a few steps backward, and i've been in denial about it. i've allowed things into my mind and my thoughts, and therefore into my actions, that just isn't what i want in life. and it's definitely not what God wants for my life either. through all my hurt, i think i might have hurt people around me, and that disappoints me greatly. however, i'm moving forward and forgiving myself. i can't dwell in this place where i try to control everything and please everyone. i'm just focusing on the Lord and i'm going to take whatever He brings me. that's all really.
i know everyone makes bad choices sometimes. i know i'm human. but for some reason, when it comes to me, i have too much pride to accept that. why do i hold myself to a higher standard? it's so easy for me to show grace and mercy to others, but i have such a difficult time showing it to myself. if God has moved on from it, why don't i allow myself? it's pretty sinful, i guess. so, i've made a resolution to heal from this and stop trying so hard to perform. there are so many situations in my past that i just won't forgive myself for, and i'm devoting some time to sorting through those situations so i can be a better person.
i wrote an earlier blog about being the kind of person that i want my future partner to be--and one of those qualities was sincerity. i'm living under a lot of pretense right now. i'm trying to pretend i'm "up" when i am really, really "down." in all reality, i'm confused, and i've lost a lot of direction. i hate to disappoint everyone who believes in me, but that's truly where i am. i'm working through it, and i am trying to re-evaluate and reinvest my time into the right areas. it's going to take time for me to get through this, but it's something i'm really passionate about fixing. healing isn't fun.
it's much easier to distract myself and justify my human nature, but at the end of the day--my life isn't mine. there's something i'm here on this earth to accomplish, and being selfish just isn't getting that job done. i'm not a failure, and i've got to stop playing around and get to the place i need to be. quite frankly, i don't care who i lose in that endeavor, because they weren't a part of the plan if they have a problem with it. operating in fear is my specialty, and i think that's about to have to go, too.
i know it sounds like someone has died or i've murdered someone or something completely crazy, but it's not really all that surface level. i just stopped caring as much about the One Thing that matters, and i'm really grieved about it. i almost wish i had killed someone and it were that simple to get through--but it's not. there's a lot of depression and deep things going on in my mind and heart. i'm going to be fine, and i immediately feel joyful and hopeful now that i have repented of this situation i've put myself in. i'm promising myself to move slowly in the coming months through everything. more than anything, i want a clear mind and a pure heart as i move into a new year.
i want to be an encouragement to the people around me. i want to make a difference and pour into the people who love me. i want a full life. not full of fun and full of me all the time like i've let occur lately, but full of the joy and purpose that only God can bring. i want to show Christ and be known as someone who tried. i'll never be a perfect example, but i want to have tried my very best to display Him as well as i could. i want to be free of burdens so that i can do the things God directs me toward, and i just haven't been living in that freedom lately. i've been trapped in this weird, repetitive, ungratifying funk of serving only myself. and i was miserable. i'm so thankful for a God who can redeem me from my own weak mind and restore my joy and the meaning in my life. i just don't know how people operate who don't believe in Christ, because without Him my life is a complete void.
Monday, October 4, 2010
stubborn
i tallied the number of times a woman clicked her pen in church this week. it was over 3o times. i try really hard not to let things like that bother me, but i can't help it. it's funny how obsessive i am over repetitions like that. how i have to put the cap of an open pen back on every open pen i see. how i can't use hand sanitizer without having lotion nearby because i hate the way my hands feel. how i get a weird tick when someone tries to touch my ultra-ticklish neck. how come my OCD causes me to be so specific about pointless things? why can't it hinder me from being stupid in the areas that really matter? oh, areas like--oh, gee, i don't know. relationships? people?
i'm a stubborn person, and i will do what i want to do for the most part. usually at my own expense. i feel like when everyone around me feels like strangers that maybe i might admit i'm doing something wrong. when my biggest supporters tell me to ditch a 'friendship' that isn't enough for me, i should probably follow their advice. when i feel sick after hearing that truth but then justify my involvement, i think i prove my foolishness quite a bit.
here's a topic that's been frustrating me recently. i haven't had the guts to write about it, but now i don't care because it's done. i just decided it's not fun anymore, really. it started out easy to put on the facade that i was fine with some pseudo-relationship that i can classify as friendship with no commitments. in fact, that did seem fun. i was convinced that having my cake and eating it was the way to live for a couple of months there. i can have all the perks of having a boyfriend without actually having to deal with one.
it was cool to further my humanistic cynicism that relationships just create hurt and confusion and do nothing but hold me back and bring drama. but deep down, i know i don't truly believe that. i know one day i'll start a friendship that turns into a relationship that will grow and never end. i know that i'm daily turning into a better me for that person, and that's the reason i didn't want to date for a while so that i could be the BEST for that person without distractions--even if i knew him right now, even if i wanted to date him now. i know that a good percentage of the failures in my last relationships have been because i loved the idea of a person instead of the person himself.
trying to pretend that i didn't want a relationship when i truly have these standards was foolish and wasteful. spending time and energy on anyone is a gift. a very precious gift. and when you're giving gifts to someone who doesn't appreciate them, you're the fool. not him. he's just a lucky taker who enjoys not having to work very hard to receive the benefits of your time and energy. who doesn't love attention? i certainly do. why wouldn't a guy show just enough interest to keep an awesome girl around to keep getting that attention? i can't fault him. not that this dude is a mean guy, because he's not. he's a gentleman, a sweet guy. he never did anything mean or wrong, but when someone is willing to disappoint you in small ways, they're willing to disappoint you in big ways--and frankly, that's just not something i'm willing to endure. and when you feel uncomfortable sharing the way you feel and you spend more time being stressed over a friendship than not being stressed, it's probably time to reevaluate your involvement.
i write all this to apologize to the people around me. i was in this toxic, time consuming thing, and it was so fun being distracted for a little bit--but then it was just agonizing because i wasn't able to focus on the things and the people who mean the most to me. it was my fault. i was lonely, and i wanted someone to pretend with. that was stupid. for any girls out there, i encourage you to never pursue something you know will end.
i encourage you to never pursue a guy at all. let him display all the interest, and you get involved at your own discretion, if the guy seems like a promising person who'd be worthy of your time, energy and affection. never stop taking seriously the people you spend your time on. the second you spend time on a person, you give them something very valuable and nonrefundable. when you waste that value, you can easily become bitter and frustrated with that person even though it's not their fault. that's why deep friendships and relationships are so meaningful and can get so sticky.
don't chase a boy. and even if you don't chase him, when he invites you in, don't become a part of only his world. if he's not interested in knowing your friends or becoming any part of your world, you haven't found someone who's "shy" or who's "stuck in his ways" or "not good at making new friends." you've found someone who's not that into you. don't make excuses for him. it seems flattering when someone invites you into their life, but if they aren't willing to share or give back in the same respect, they're either selfish or lazy--or both. and more than that, he's not interested in you, or else he'd be falling all over himself to know everything about your life and your friends.
and don't ever mistake courtesy for curiosity. he may send a text or two to ask how your day was, but if it never gets past surface level, he's just maintaining whatever he thinks it requires to keep you appeased and in his world. guys don't have to be anything more than simple to keep a girl around, because the girl will play all the games for him. all a guy has to do is decide what a girl desires and display a fraction of that desire toward the girl, and she'll convince herself of anything if she likes a guy enough. some marriages make themselves this way, i'm convinced. when a girl is willing to make excuses, she's willing to accept dating someone who is not enough for her. and if she's willing to be addicted to a toxic relationship, she's willing to compromise who she is for the comfort of someone who isn't worthy.
don't be that girl. it's easy to be that girl. games are fun. i love card games. i'm so competitive. but when i get done playing rummy or basketball, i can put up the cards and i can pack up the ball. but when i'm playing with my own mind and my time and my emotions, i can't just turn it all off at the end of the day. it's really foolish to even involve yourself with someone who you can't see yourself getting serious with.
and when someone you've invested your hopeful, precious time into looks at you and says, "i just don't want anything serious right now" you should run--fast, in the other direction as far as you can in the other direction and probably never accept contact from that person again. because that person was able to take full stock of all of your qualities and tell you that you just weren't interesting enough to date exclusively, but that he'd still like to have you around for fun. and you're better than being someone's fun. at the end of the day, i want to go to bed knowing i spent my time being respected, effective, inspiring, loving, loved, liked, understood, and meaningful to the people i invest in. not just fun. fun is good in its place, but just don't let that be the one definition a man wants to give you.
i've been pretty down since before my birthday about this. i wanted someone to want to date me that i didn't even want to date. haha, that's a paradox, i know. i was displaying a lot of interest in a guy i wouldn't normally be into, and my games didn't always work, so i just tried to make him want to be interested in me more. which in turn just failed, made me more interested, and obviously made him more frustrated (and i'm sure entertained from all the attention). the truth is, i was bored and feeling lonely when all this began. i thought it'd be fun. and now, like i opened with, it's not fun anymore. it seemed harmless enough, and there really isn't a whole lot of damage done besides the fact that i'm wasting my time.
it was cheap to waste time on someone i had little intention for in my future. that was selfish and wrong. i have the stamina to get ready and wait for a someone who is worthwhile, meets my standards, and completely interested in me. and while i was not ready and waiting, i tried to ignore some pretty worthwhile guys who attempted to hang out with me. don't miss out on great people, because you're too blinded by something lame.
a new friend of mine who probably won't think they play a part in this at all has really given me hope lately. the care with which they interact with me and even the things they say and do in passing really impress me. they remind me why i want to be authentic and the best version of me, and i feel like i'm on my toes again for the first time in a while. people like that make it easy to forget games and silly situations like the one i've discussed here at length. maybe i'll get the chance to thank that person if they become more a part of my life. either way, i don't think it's a coincidence that an encouragement would come at just the right time. it must be the Lord.
i took the time to write this not only as an apology and a limited, lame explanation of where my time was being spent last month--but i wrote it as a warning of sorts, in hopes that others will be inspired to move out of situations that just aren't enough. it doesn't have to be dating. it can be a job or a habit or a friendship. if it's a timesucker, and it's not showing you equivalent respect--it's time to reevaluate at least.
this blog isn't meant to bash anyone but myself for my own decisions, so please don't interpret it in any other way. i started this blog in vomit-worthy honesty, and it wouldn't be fair to withhold just because it's less personal business for other parties. i guess i should make any closely involved family and friends sign a consent waiver for my blog. yep, i'll remember to do that next time. great idea. until next time.
i'm a stubborn person, and i will do what i want to do for the most part. usually at my own expense. i feel like when everyone around me feels like strangers that maybe i might admit i'm doing something wrong. when my biggest supporters tell me to ditch a 'friendship' that isn't enough for me, i should probably follow their advice. when i feel sick after hearing that truth but then justify my involvement, i think i prove my foolishness quite a bit.
here's a topic that's been frustrating me recently. i haven't had the guts to write about it, but now i don't care because it's done. i just decided it's not fun anymore, really. it started out easy to put on the facade that i was fine with some pseudo-relationship that i can classify as friendship with no commitments. in fact, that did seem fun. i was convinced that having my cake and eating it was the way to live for a couple of months there. i can have all the perks of having a boyfriend without actually having to deal with one.
it was cool to further my humanistic cynicism that relationships just create hurt and confusion and do nothing but hold me back and bring drama. but deep down, i know i don't truly believe that. i know one day i'll start a friendship that turns into a relationship that will grow and never end. i know that i'm daily turning into a better me for that person, and that's the reason i didn't want to date for a while so that i could be the BEST for that person without distractions--even if i knew him right now, even if i wanted to date him now. i know that a good percentage of the failures in my last relationships have been because i loved the idea of a person instead of the person himself.
trying to pretend that i didn't want a relationship when i truly have these standards was foolish and wasteful. spending time and energy on anyone is a gift. a very precious gift. and when you're giving gifts to someone who doesn't appreciate them, you're the fool. not him. he's just a lucky taker who enjoys not having to work very hard to receive the benefits of your time and energy. who doesn't love attention? i certainly do. why wouldn't a guy show just enough interest to keep an awesome girl around to keep getting that attention? i can't fault him. not that this dude is a mean guy, because he's not. he's a gentleman, a sweet guy. he never did anything mean or wrong, but when someone is willing to disappoint you in small ways, they're willing to disappoint you in big ways--and frankly, that's just not something i'm willing to endure. and when you feel uncomfortable sharing the way you feel and you spend more time being stressed over a friendship than not being stressed, it's probably time to reevaluate your involvement.
i write all this to apologize to the people around me. i was in this toxic, time consuming thing, and it was so fun being distracted for a little bit--but then it was just agonizing because i wasn't able to focus on the things and the people who mean the most to me. it was my fault. i was lonely, and i wanted someone to pretend with. that was stupid. for any girls out there, i encourage you to never pursue something you know will end.
i encourage you to never pursue a guy at all. let him display all the interest, and you get involved at your own discretion, if the guy seems like a promising person who'd be worthy of your time, energy and affection. never stop taking seriously the people you spend your time on. the second you spend time on a person, you give them something very valuable and nonrefundable. when you waste that value, you can easily become bitter and frustrated with that person even though it's not their fault. that's why deep friendships and relationships are so meaningful and can get so sticky.
don't chase a boy. and even if you don't chase him, when he invites you in, don't become a part of only his world. if he's not interested in knowing your friends or becoming any part of your world, you haven't found someone who's "shy" or who's "stuck in his ways" or "not good at making new friends." you've found someone who's not that into you. don't make excuses for him. it seems flattering when someone invites you into their life, but if they aren't willing to share or give back in the same respect, they're either selfish or lazy--or both. and more than that, he's not interested in you, or else he'd be falling all over himself to know everything about your life and your friends.
and don't ever mistake courtesy for curiosity. he may send a text or two to ask how your day was, but if it never gets past surface level, he's just maintaining whatever he thinks it requires to keep you appeased and in his world. guys don't have to be anything more than simple to keep a girl around, because the girl will play all the games for him. all a guy has to do is decide what a girl desires and display a fraction of that desire toward the girl, and she'll convince herself of anything if she likes a guy enough. some marriages make themselves this way, i'm convinced. when a girl is willing to make excuses, she's willing to accept dating someone who is not enough for her. and if she's willing to be addicted to a toxic relationship, she's willing to compromise who she is for the comfort of someone who isn't worthy.
don't be that girl. it's easy to be that girl. games are fun. i love card games. i'm so competitive. but when i get done playing rummy or basketball, i can put up the cards and i can pack up the ball. but when i'm playing with my own mind and my time and my emotions, i can't just turn it all off at the end of the day. it's really foolish to even involve yourself with someone who you can't see yourself getting serious with.
and when someone you've invested your hopeful, precious time into looks at you and says, "i just don't want anything serious right now" you should run--fast, in the other direction as far as you can in the other direction and probably never accept contact from that person again. because that person was able to take full stock of all of your qualities and tell you that you just weren't interesting enough to date exclusively, but that he'd still like to have you around for fun. and you're better than being someone's fun. at the end of the day, i want to go to bed knowing i spent my time being respected, effective, inspiring, loving, loved, liked, understood, and meaningful to the people i invest in. not just fun. fun is good in its place, but just don't let that be the one definition a man wants to give you.
i've been pretty down since before my birthday about this. i wanted someone to want to date me that i didn't even want to date. haha, that's a paradox, i know. i was displaying a lot of interest in a guy i wouldn't normally be into, and my games didn't always work, so i just tried to make him want to be interested in me more. which in turn just failed, made me more interested, and obviously made him more frustrated (and i'm sure entertained from all the attention). the truth is, i was bored and feeling lonely when all this began. i thought it'd be fun. and now, like i opened with, it's not fun anymore. it seemed harmless enough, and there really isn't a whole lot of damage done besides the fact that i'm wasting my time.
it was cheap to waste time on someone i had little intention for in my future. that was selfish and wrong. i have the stamina to get ready and wait for a someone who is worthwhile, meets my standards, and completely interested in me. and while i was not ready and waiting, i tried to ignore some pretty worthwhile guys who attempted to hang out with me. don't miss out on great people, because you're too blinded by something lame.
a new friend of mine who probably won't think they play a part in this at all has really given me hope lately. the care with which they interact with me and even the things they say and do in passing really impress me. they remind me why i want to be authentic and the best version of me, and i feel like i'm on my toes again for the first time in a while. people like that make it easy to forget games and silly situations like the one i've discussed here at length. maybe i'll get the chance to thank that person if they become more a part of my life. either way, i don't think it's a coincidence that an encouragement would come at just the right time. it must be the Lord.
i took the time to write this not only as an apology and a limited, lame explanation of where my time was being spent last month--but i wrote it as a warning of sorts, in hopes that others will be inspired to move out of situations that just aren't enough. it doesn't have to be dating. it can be a job or a habit or a friendship. if it's a timesucker, and it's not showing you equivalent respect--it's time to reevaluate at least.
this blog isn't meant to bash anyone but myself for my own decisions, so please don't interpret it in any other way. i started this blog in vomit-worthy honesty, and it wouldn't be fair to withhold just because it's less personal business for other parties. i guess i should make any closely involved family and friends sign a consent waiver for my blog. yep, i'll remember to do that next time. great idea. until next time.
Monday, September 27, 2010
i'm trying
and for the record, that last post makes me never want to blog again.
i just didn't like posting that for some reason. i get angry thinking about the people who will roll their eyes or give me unwarranted advice on how i should handle my life and these issues.
i don't even know who i write for anymore on this blog, because it was clearly directed a specific audience months ago, but now i just feel vulnerable when i write feelings. especially current ones. and i don't feel like i can be honest and say what i want to say, because i'm not writing certain things to avoid certain audiences, which again makes me feel like i'm not being honest.
clearly, this is my issue and no one is at fault for reading my blog.
i guess i'm just mad because i still don't have the courage to be honest.
i'm tired of playing games all the time. knowing human nature so well is sometimes not a gift. being able to put on faces to motivate people to certain outcomes seems like it would be a very profitable gifting, but i get so caught up in it sometimes that i lose myself.
i'm trying so hard to be myself. and i feel like it's bad that i have to do that. try.
i just didn't like posting that for some reason. i get angry thinking about the people who will roll their eyes or give me unwarranted advice on how i should handle my life and these issues.
i don't even know who i write for anymore on this blog, because it was clearly directed a specific audience months ago, but now i just feel vulnerable when i write feelings. especially current ones. and i don't feel like i can be honest and say what i want to say, because i'm not writing certain things to avoid certain audiences, which again makes me feel like i'm not being honest.
clearly, this is my issue and no one is at fault for reading my blog.
i guess i'm just mad because i still don't have the courage to be honest.
i'm tired of playing games all the time. knowing human nature so well is sometimes not a gift. being able to put on faces to motivate people to certain outcomes seems like it would be a very profitable gifting, but i get so caught up in it sometimes that i lose myself.
i'm trying so hard to be myself. and i feel like it's bad that i have to do that. try.
a
i've been meaning to blog, but i haven't known what to say. today is my mom's birthday. tomorrow is my dad's. years are passing so much faster now. it's odd, really.
hmmm. what to say...
i've started to write a blog a few times, but i just haven't wanted to be very introspective lately. it gets exhausting. i was so deeply inside of my thoughts this summer that it made me lose touch with reality. i mean, it was good for me to do that with where i was, but it's been a really weird transition.
i am finally begining to realize the little protective bubble i had myself in for a few months there. i would stay at home most of the summer unless i was gone on a trip. and even when i was on trips, i would shut down a lot. except for washington, which was why it was completely exhausting mentally and emotionally for me. that's when things changed, i guess. i sort of created a new life with new friends and avoided anyone from my past who i'd have to answer questions from.
i'm finally hanging out with my friends again. i avoided casey and lindsey for awhile, and now they're back in my world. i'm hanging out with some old friends and new friends. for the past month, my life has been consumed with "fun," i guess. my little bubble was really legalistic and full of work to no end. seeing my friends made me miss all the careless fun that makes up so much of who i am. not that i enjoy wasting time, but i like to be able to spend time with people i love without working on a time-consuming project. and the latter was my summer.
neither of these extremes are a good place for me. the legalistic bubble just made me tired. i was effective at doing good, but how much was i examining and taking in from my awesome experiences? not a lot, and that's pretty shameful. i took on too much, because i'm an eager overacheiver with many abilities. and i got tired. so then i made it to the other extreme of just letting it all go for a little while in order to be irresponsible and have fun doing what i wanted to do. not really caring if i let people down, shutting down my intellect so i could just enjoy trivialities. i'm aware of how dangerous that is as well.
i've been really depressed lately. just completely emotionally exhausted over all of this whirlwind recently. see, because being legalistic, i was able to pretend that i was as put-together as i looked like. but when i'm self-seeking, everyone sees the disappointing weaknesses i have. having so many friends and people i see everyday makes me happy, but when i'm depressed and when i can't be impressive, i hate it. it makes me even more depressed, because i feel like i'm making a fool out of myself for everyone to see.
i know not everyone really notices or cares, but some people do. my parents have noticed. shelby has noticed. my kids at church have noticed. i'm pretty involved with a guy i like, and i've over-analyzed everything to death so much so that i've really frustrated him a few times. so even he's noticed. i'm back to the same lesson i can never learn--that i can't please everyone. i've backed out on some opportunities lately, and it's been hard. but it's been necessary. my focus on God is flawed. it's not as directed as it should be. it's scattered between people i love and commitments to service and ministry, and i just can't juggle it all anymore.
i'm finding that balance, and i can honestly say that today i'm feeling more joyful that i've felt in a long time. i'm tired of not being myself to everyone. i'm a mess of a person. i have issues. i believe the worst of every situation. i'm currently over-analyzing every situation in my life so much that i can't enjoy any of it. but i'm making a conscious effort to breathe and not punish all the awesome people in my life right now for the damage someone else has done to me in the past.
this post was scattered. i guess i'm just trying to say that i like knowing myself. i like being introspective. i like analyzing people. but it gets exhausting when i'm ever changing and people are ever changing. i can't keep going in cycles of introspection and shallow living. i have to find a balance, because it's super destructive and confusing to the people around me.
ps: the movie "devil" was pretty awesome.
hmmm. what to say...
i've started to write a blog a few times, but i just haven't wanted to be very introspective lately. it gets exhausting. i was so deeply inside of my thoughts this summer that it made me lose touch with reality. i mean, it was good for me to do that with where i was, but it's been a really weird transition.
i am finally begining to realize the little protective bubble i had myself in for a few months there. i would stay at home most of the summer unless i was gone on a trip. and even when i was on trips, i would shut down a lot. except for washington, which was why it was completely exhausting mentally and emotionally for me. that's when things changed, i guess. i sort of created a new life with new friends and avoided anyone from my past who i'd have to answer questions from.
i'm finally hanging out with my friends again. i avoided casey and lindsey for awhile, and now they're back in my world. i'm hanging out with some old friends and new friends. for the past month, my life has been consumed with "fun," i guess. my little bubble was really legalistic and full of work to no end. seeing my friends made me miss all the careless fun that makes up so much of who i am. not that i enjoy wasting time, but i like to be able to spend time with people i love without working on a time-consuming project. and the latter was my summer.
neither of these extremes are a good place for me. the legalistic bubble just made me tired. i was effective at doing good, but how much was i examining and taking in from my awesome experiences? not a lot, and that's pretty shameful. i took on too much, because i'm an eager overacheiver with many abilities. and i got tired. so then i made it to the other extreme of just letting it all go for a little while in order to be irresponsible and have fun doing what i wanted to do. not really caring if i let people down, shutting down my intellect so i could just enjoy trivialities. i'm aware of how dangerous that is as well.
i've been really depressed lately. just completely emotionally exhausted over all of this whirlwind recently. see, because being legalistic, i was able to pretend that i was as put-together as i looked like. but when i'm self-seeking, everyone sees the disappointing weaknesses i have. having so many friends and people i see everyday makes me happy, but when i'm depressed and when i can't be impressive, i hate it. it makes me even more depressed, because i feel like i'm making a fool out of myself for everyone to see.
i know not everyone really notices or cares, but some people do. my parents have noticed. shelby has noticed. my kids at church have noticed. i'm pretty involved with a guy i like, and i've over-analyzed everything to death so much so that i've really frustrated him a few times. so even he's noticed. i'm back to the same lesson i can never learn--that i can't please everyone. i've backed out on some opportunities lately, and it's been hard. but it's been necessary. my focus on God is flawed. it's not as directed as it should be. it's scattered between people i love and commitments to service and ministry, and i just can't juggle it all anymore.
i'm finding that balance, and i can honestly say that today i'm feeling more joyful that i've felt in a long time. i'm tired of not being myself to everyone. i'm a mess of a person. i have issues. i believe the worst of every situation. i'm currently over-analyzing every situation in my life so much that i can't enjoy any of it. but i'm making a conscious effort to breathe and not punish all the awesome people in my life right now for the damage someone else has done to me in the past.
this post was scattered. i guess i'm just trying to say that i like knowing myself. i like being introspective. i like analyzing people. but it gets exhausting when i'm ever changing and people are ever changing. i can't keep going in cycles of introspection and shallow living. i have to find a balance, because it's super destructive and confusing to the people around me.
ps: the movie "devil" was pretty awesome.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
happy birthday to me. :)
life lately. hmmmm.
i found out today that i'm losing my job in a month. i thought i might have more time that that, but i'm trying not to worry. who am i kidding? i feel like i'm about to faint just thinking about it. it's such a struggle for me to find peace that God wasn't surprised by this and that he has it under control.
all i can think about is that i need money to pay for gas, to pay for my weekly shots, and to pay for my compassion international sponsorship. it was just a blow in the face when i wasn't expecting it. i thought i was stable until christmas at least, but it'll work out. happy birthday to me...woohoo!
speaking of, i turn 22 in six days. i can hardly believe it. where did this year go? everything has moved so quickly! 22 is such a weird age. i feel old. i'm getting farther away from my teenage years, but i still feel like a teenager in so many ways.
i've been having so much fun lately. i love all the "me" time i've had to live my life. i'm old enough and alone enough to make decisions now, and i love the freedom. it's not something i've gone crazy with by any means. i can travel on a plane up the coast or i can hop in the car to drive to valdosta for the weekend. i'm responsible for me, and i don't have any dead weight to drag along behind me.
so much of what i did throughout the summer was still based on my previous relationship. i was still subconsciously living under that person's requirements, and don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad arrangement. but is it truly me? are these my values? are these my desires? is this how i truly feel about the issues in my world?
in my search for sincerity and my genuine nature, i think i'm far enough away from that situation mentally to begin exploring these ideas. in fact, i know i'm far enough away, because i started doing it without even realizing.
it's all a part of healing. see, i've never consciously seen myself through the grieving process far enough to know that there are other steps to healing. see, grief is all about survival. it's an agonizing process, where you balance somewhere between drowning in a puddle of self-pity, worthlessness, depression, and jealousy; and distracting yourself without becoming unhealthy or shallow.
after grieving comes rebuilding. how do i take the things i learned in my relationship and apply them to who i truly am? not that i wasn't myself in the relationship, but i did compromise of myself to share life so deeply with another human being. that's why serious relationships are so...serious. they take from you. they change you.
so, how much were the decisions i made really my own? how much of a thought was truly mine or just a means to impress or pacify another person? these are really hard questions to answer. i have to really explore myself and possibly admit to living a lie. pretention isn't easy to admit, especially when it's been running two years deep in your life.
because when i was 20-21, knowing myself wasn't important. all i cared about was knowing who i should be with. knowing the truth wasn't important to me. it was all about finding someone who might know the truth. if you've been there you'll understand me. if you're not an introspective intellectual, you probably aren't following my discourse, but that's OK. now the truth is so evident. Christ. He is so deeply rooted in me now. in the way i think and in the things i do. his mysteries are so much more vast, and i can no longer remember what it was like to so shallowly ponder Him as i did back then. i knew Him then, but i know Him better now.
knowing that truth makes me want to know myself. i put on so many faces. i'm such a good actor that it's a wonder i don't have an academy award by now. i'm such a melting pot of everyone around me and everyone i've ever known. i don't even have my own laugh or my own accent, because i take on whoever i'm around the most.
i'm excited about this phase of life i'm in. it's a little scary and i could make some weird mistakes. however, it feels good to be able to live life focusing on God and on myself. without my focus on anyone else, i feel like i can be honest about my flaws and my convictions. even though there is someone in my life that i'm into, it's something different. i'm completely myself, and i'm just enjoying whatever it is. i'm not changing me to make things work, and i've never had more fun getting to know someone without trying to force it into something too quickly. it may not work out, but it's refreshing and i'm into it.
so happy birthday to me. :)
i found out today that i'm losing my job in a month. i thought i might have more time that that, but i'm trying not to worry. who am i kidding? i feel like i'm about to faint just thinking about it. it's such a struggle for me to find peace that God wasn't surprised by this and that he has it under control.
all i can think about is that i need money to pay for gas, to pay for my weekly shots, and to pay for my compassion international sponsorship. it was just a blow in the face when i wasn't expecting it. i thought i was stable until christmas at least, but it'll work out. happy birthday to me...woohoo!
speaking of, i turn 22 in six days. i can hardly believe it. where did this year go? everything has moved so quickly! 22 is such a weird age. i feel old. i'm getting farther away from my teenage years, but i still feel like a teenager in so many ways.
i've been having so much fun lately. i love all the "me" time i've had to live my life. i'm old enough and alone enough to make decisions now, and i love the freedom. it's not something i've gone crazy with by any means. i can travel on a plane up the coast or i can hop in the car to drive to valdosta for the weekend. i'm responsible for me, and i don't have any dead weight to drag along behind me.
so much of what i did throughout the summer was still based on my previous relationship. i was still subconsciously living under that person's requirements, and don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad arrangement. but is it truly me? are these my values? are these my desires? is this how i truly feel about the issues in my world?
in my search for sincerity and my genuine nature, i think i'm far enough away from that situation mentally to begin exploring these ideas. in fact, i know i'm far enough away, because i started doing it without even realizing.
it's all a part of healing. see, i've never consciously seen myself through the grieving process far enough to know that there are other steps to healing. see, grief is all about survival. it's an agonizing process, where you balance somewhere between drowning in a puddle of self-pity, worthlessness, depression, and jealousy; and distracting yourself without becoming unhealthy or shallow.
after grieving comes rebuilding. how do i take the things i learned in my relationship and apply them to who i truly am? not that i wasn't myself in the relationship, but i did compromise of myself to share life so deeply with another human being. that's why serious relationships are so...serious. they take from you. they change you.
so, how much were the decisions i made really my own? how much of a thought was truly mine or just a means to impress or pacify another person? these are really hard questions to answer. i have to really explore myself and possibly admit to living a lie. pretention isn't easy to admit, especially when it's been running two years deep in your life.
because when i was 20-21, knowing myself wasn't important. all i cared about was knowing who i should be with. knowing the truth wasn't important to me. it was all about finding someone who might know the truth. if you've been there you'll understand me. if you're not an introspective intellectual, you probably aren't following my discourse, but that's OK. now the truth is so evident. Christ. He is so deeply rooted in me now. in the way i think and in the things i do. his mysteries are so much more vast, and i can no longer remember what it was like to so shallowly ponder Him as i did back then. i knew Him then, but i know Him better now.
knowing that truth makes me want to know myself. i put on so many faces. i'm such a good actor that it's a wonder i don't have an academy award by now. i'm such a melting pot of everyone around me and everyone i've ever known. i don't even have my own laugh or my own accent, because i take on whoever i'm around the most.
i'm excited about this phase of life i'm in. it's a little scary and i could make some weird mistakes. however, it feels good to be able to live life focusing on God and on myself. without my focus on anyone else, i feel like i can be honest about my flaws and my convictions. even though there is someone in my life that i'm into, it's something different. i'm completely myself, and i'm just enjoying whatever it is. i'm not changing me to make things work, and i've never had more fun getting to know someone without trying to force it into something too quickly. it may not work out, but it's refreshing and i'm into it.
so happy birthday to me. :)
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