klondike

i've learned a lot from my recent addiction to solitaire. it really is an issue, by the way. i started it about a month or two ago. the simplicity of the game draws me in, because it helps me escape from the stress of larger, more important decisions. it's a cop out. i also enjoy how the fifty cards i play with can be formed in any order, making some games impossible to win and others boringly easy to complete. i like gaining speed in choosing to play cards correctly. i like the way an empty playing table looks after i've won. i like the joy of several consecutive winning streaks. i like letting my brain imagine the most trivial things as i let it turn to mush over such a silly game. but my favorite solitaire situation is when there are two of the same card on the playing table, and i can only decide to move one of them. the consequences of this situation can be moot or be so extreme it causes an immediate loss.

this situation is so thrilling for me. sometimes i imagine it being a larger decision occuring in my life. when i'm imagining that, i flip cards as quickly as possible, almost mocking the way i truly make decisions. sometimes, i get serious about the game. if i've been winning a lot and i'm trying to break a streak, i really begin to care (a little too much) about the game. the choice begins to mean something to me. now, yes--i am admitting how utterly insane i am today on the blog, but no one call the psych ward yet, please. i find this situation to be such a perfect illustration for life. yes, i'm reading way, way too into the solitaire game if i'm making an allegory out of stupid computer game. however, it just fascinates me that sometimes, our decisions can be so important. two roads diverged means never ending up in the proper place if you choose to travel the wrong one. then there are times when any decision can lead you to a better reality. a person can have so many positive options that no particular one seems more attractive than the next, and choosing any of them would bring great joy and satisfaction.

i'm to the point where i don't know which of these dilemmas is harder. i always envied people with multiple blessings and limitless opportunities, and now i'm one of them. i used to feel very forgotten and bitter, and all of my decisions during that season were hard decisions--like the first situation i mentioned. now, i have so many doors. so many GOOD doors. so many really, really attractive doors, and i'm sort of cracking them all open and taking little peeks inside. i'm too scared to choose! it's a blessed place to be, that's for sure. however, i don't want to linger too long before all of the opportunities pass.

that's what's going on in my life in a vague sense. i have a minor, somewhat controllable solitaire addiction and some pleasant, yet difficult, decision-making to attend to. i'm going to see my relevate kids in about an hour at the wrap party tonight. i'm so proud of this year, even if i only got to help with the last six months of it. i can't wait to see what God brings next year. what blessings i have been fortunate enough to see and partake in. :)