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i'm in boston right now. i can't believe i actually flew here by myself. i would have never done this in college. i was always dependent on the relationship i was in back then, and i would have never had the guts to navigate my way here alone. it was so freeing to know i had the capability to make it across so many states alone. i didn't need anyone to hold my hand. another thing that would normally hold me back is leaving situations at home behind. i remember going to london in high school while i was dating nathan. i wondered what he was doing the entire trip, which makes me feel so lame now. i have so much more confidence in who i am now that if anything will have drastically changed when i get home, i'll just shrug my shoulders about it.

it's so tragic, really--all the things i missed out on in college. going to visit my friends in other states, mission trips, making friends of all kinds and partaking in other fun adventures. i chose to stay wrapped up in my silly relationships, when i had them, and i compromised so much of who i was to please those people. it feels good to make up for it now. i like the freedom of making my own decisions without having to clue my boyfriend in to make sure it's OK by him. bleh! how could i ever live three years like that?! i never did anything inappropriate during my relationships, so why did i ever feel the need to ask for permission? i've been single for four months now, and i don't feel lonely. my life is full, and even if i were sitting in my bed every night doing nothing, i think i'd still feel great. i've gotten a better grasp on who i am, because i've really focused on myself. i know my limits, and i feel like i can honestly evaluate who i am every day.

so, here's been my struggle. the topic i've described as "vague" these past few blogs. i'm far away from my life right now, so i'm feeling brave about discussing it. boys. the men in my life. i tried really hard not get myself mixed up in any romantic crap while i processed my break up, and i did really, really well. however, i was interested in someone toward the end of the summer. i'm pretty positive it was an unrequited thing, but i still had hopes about it that i only admit to shelby. that person isn't in my life anymore really, yet i felt so intensely about it. just a weird situation that i don't want to be too specific about or else i'll be embarrassed. i was confused (and still am), so i decided at the beginning of the month that maybe i focus on attention from guys too much, and maybe it's time to cut dating out of my life for a while just like i successfully cut other distractions previously. i'd advise anyone to tread carefully when thinking about making that decision, because you have to really, really mean it.

i'm glad i didn't tell a ton of people i was pursuing that, because i'm not succeeding. there's someone in my life right now, and i really don't know what to think of it. i don't want to know what i should think of it, honestly, because i enjoy not knowing. i feel like a dude sometimes, because most girls are always trying to have the DTR ("define the relationship") talk with a guy and i absolutely hate them. i feel like if i saw one of those coming, i'd close my ears and start yelling jibberish to drown it out. that's how much i hate them. that's how my last relationship started nearly two years ago--with a premature DTR chat, and we all see how that worked out. so, i guess i may not be failing my "no dating" deal, because i'm definitely not trying to get into a serious relationship. i don't want to be cynical about it. everyone knows how much i LOATHE cynicism about life, but i just can't trust things anymore. i'd rather look at romance as a joke or as a game. it seems like that's all it is anyway, because you generally lose if you don't play your cards right. when i keep it on the surface like that, i won't get hurt.

keeping my sarcasm up front and my feelings as far back as possible has been working out. for the most part. that's the part i'm not willing to write about for everyone to see. what i wrote today is very raw, and i'm sure it may seem scary to some people. don't worry about me though. i really am OK. dating is in no way my focus in life right now. my focus is me. and my relationship the Lord. i also know that my current view on dating is screwed up. i'm working on it...maybe. when i feel like it. i think it's understandable to be in this place sometimes. i just wanted to mention that i was aware of it being an unhealthy view before anyone prescribed me some counceling. i just felt like it was unfair to blog so vaguely here recently when i've been so vomit-worthy honest throughout my other posts. blogs aren't fun to read if they aren't full of juice, so i'm trying to bare all.