newberry

this trip has really inspired me. intellectually, culturally, artistically, individually. i'm here with my aunt and uncle, but i took this trip alone. that's big for me. as an only child, i require my time alone daily. that's why i'm so scared to get married one day. could i end everyday with another person always being there? blech. but that's another story. the point is that even with my intense desire to be alone as an only child, i've always been very dependent on others in my actions.

i'm spoiled and overprotected, so i never experienced many huge events alone in life. i always relied on someone else to walk with me through situations as a crutch. i hated making people my crutch, because i'm so strong-willed & self-centered that we'd always do what i wanted. sara, kyle, justin, mom, & dad--this trip is for you. you all put up with that crap through the longest spans of time, so thanks.

my blood pressure went a little crazy today after lunch. it's been getting really low or shooting up high or something weird for the past six months. my eyes start vibrating back and forth, i get dizzy, my body feels tingly, and i feel a little sick and dizzy when it's really bad. it's sort of like vertigo. i had to go sit down and rest rather than going to harvard with jamie, and i ended up walking around the city by myself when i felt better. it was really...normal.

i guess i'd always thought being on my own in some strange place would feel like a novelty, and though it was cool, i felt the same as i do walking around the mall in albany. i felt the same way walking around the airport. i've felt the same way about walking through my life everyday. i don't feel like i'm in survival mode, but that's definitely how i'm living. it's not that i'm jaded or anything. i'm still fascinated and completely enjoying my world. i'm just taking it all in more calmly, and when i come to a time to make decisions, i make one and go with it. i don't get bothered as easily with worries i used to normally ponder over. it feels cool, but it's definitely not me. i'm just not this open to life usually.

these blogs are starting to suck. this is a "me" thing--stopping in the middle of a situation to evaluate what's going on, because i'm paranoid. i'm just so introspective at this point in my life that i can't even tell a story without turning it back to myself. sorry for the self-centeredness. but it's my blog, and you don't have to read it. :p

moving on, i got caught up looking around. i walked for hours. i shopped a little. i went into a cool comics store. i got my parents some neat, funny little things. i got a hair clip. i got a shirt. i met some people, and a guy from save the children asked for my number to hang out later. i met some homeless people and felt awful for not having any change. i saw two guys on the bus speaking in ASL, and i wanted to join--but i just don't know enough yet. totally revived my interest in studying sign language. i saw a beautiful muslim girl and two lesbians involved in some heavy PDA on the train. things you don't see often in albany.

i watched people walking up and down the sidewalk. oh, the sidewalk. we don't have many of those in albany. and the people. the business suits, the real grunge scene, the too-trendy outfits, the headphones, the cigarettes, the combat boots, the bags, the pets, the children running to catch up. i would have taken photos if i had the guts to be so invasive. it's really a tradegy i can't document it more vividly than this blog. hearing the feet walking on the floor above us. listening to the city so clearly moving all night outside of my window. ambulances, glass breaking on the sidewalk, voices shouting, laughing, bass booming from every direction.

i saw so many things i would have loved to share with people back home. so many gifts i could have bought. some for people i don't really have an opportunity to see anymore. some for people it might be awkard to give a gift to. i saw so much that reminded me of the people who make up my life currently, or who have contributed into making me who i am. it made me sentimental today. i heard cole's song blasting out of a shop, and i went in just to listen, and i got choked up for the first time in a while. i'll hear it pretty often, and it doesn't always get me--but i guess being here and missing people back home and people who aren't in my life anymore really got me missing him. it's weird how his death can feel so new in a moment.

anyway, i feel revived now. this trip has done me a world of good. i've looked inside myself. not everything in there is good. not everything in there is complete whole or healed, but i'm working on it. i've been able to get some clear vision about some things going on in my world, and i'm feeling relaxed. i hope to go back to albany with a stronger grasp on the things i should be a part of. i can't be overextended. this trip has been so much about watching only. i need more time to watch, to learn, to experience. doing and serving and running just make a shell of who i should be.

anyway, enough blabbing. i don't even know if i said what i wanted to say, but we're going out to harper's ferry to hear a band play. then dinner, then midnight movie maybe. it's supposed to be a rad friday night. :)